Sixty-two... sixty-one... sixty...
It was about to hit 12:00 am on my clock, and it would be Thursday, September 12, 2013. I am turning twenty one in just a few seconds. I don't know how this has all happened so fast.
Fifty-four... fifty-three... fifty-two...
Yesterday was Jc's birthday. In the morning, I and the guys woke him up with some silly string and a chocolate cake Ricky bought for him. Then on the afternoon they all went to ride some go-karts with Jenn to celebrate. I didn't join them; I told them I would be meeting my manager and that I couldn't make it.
Forty-six... forty-five... forty-four...
But I didn't really go to meet my manager. I didn't go to meet anyone. I went all by myself to the beach to watch the people walk together hand in hand, and to a café that I learned of a few months ago which Tyler Oakley, who had started to hang out with me a lot, had told me about. I had spent the day alone. For this past week, since the time I met Dr. Kellerman, I have been going everywhere alone.
Thirty-nine... thirty-eight... thirty-seven...
Jc had been sad I didn't go to hang out with him for his birthday. He told me when we met back at the house last night. He wasn't mad at me anymore for the way I acted last week, though I'll admit I kind of wish he were. It would have made me feel less guilty. But when he asked me why I couldn't make it, I felt so horrible. I lied; I didn't want to make him feel that I was avoiding hanging out with him on purpose.
Thirty... twenty-nine... twenty-eight...
Jc was my first internet friend. We met long before any other of the O2L guys, and now I was running away from spending his twenty first birthday with him. Ricky, who I thought of as my best friend, had been calling me all day, probably trying to contact me. And I had done my best not to pick up the phone, not to ask for help. I was running away from them.
Eleven... ten... nine...
Why am I acting like this? Two months ago I would've given anything to spend Jc's birthday with him, but I lived away from him, and then moving to LA happened.
Why am I distancing myself from Ricky? I used to trust him. Does he even still trust me?
And why do they keep trying to reach out to me? I'm not worth it. I am lying here, alone, questioning things in my head that shouldn't be there. Alone, in the darkness, about to turn twenty one...
Three... two... one...
The alarm clock signaled midnight. I then noticed I was on my bed, alone, staring at the ceiling. I wasn't wearing any clothes other than my boxers. My head was not stinging. It wasn't drowsy, either, nor was it numb. My head did not feel anything. I was not excited that I turned twenty one. I was not sad. I was not angry, mad or anxious.
I would have given anything in the world in exchange for feeling something on this moment.
I heard soft scratches against my door that caught my attention. Curious, I headed towards it slowly, as if my whole body were asleep but not my steps. I opened and a sleepy Wishbone came and jumped on my bed, inviting himself in. After closing the door I went back to lay with him, as he cuddled by my chest and I patted his head.
-"Well..."—I said to the dog—"at least you are feeling something for me..."
Wishbone's warm body felt like something good, nice to cuddle with. He made me at least feel something. It was the closest thing I had to a reaction for something at all. All of me is numb.
-"Thanks for wishing me happy birthday, Wishbone..."
All of the sudden, my laptop started ringing. Yeah, you've read that correctly. I have programmed it to do this annoying ding-ding thing anytime that someone is Skyping me. Although it is in the middle of the night...
I pulled up the laptop out of mere curiosity. The Skype call read "Troye Sivan". This is weird... we do not really talk too often. I mean don't take me wrong, Troye is amazing and a lot of fun to hang out with, but I wouldn't say we are particularly close. Deciding that maybe it was better than nothing and that maybe a little human interaction would do me good, I picked up the call.
On the screen a sleepy looking Troye appeared before me in pajamas, clearly sometime in the afternoon.
-"Happy birthdaaaaaaay...!"—he said, immediately before yawning.
-"Why, thanks Troye! This is so nice of you, but how did you know it was today?"
-"You kidding? I have been stalking you for months..."
That felt strangely awkward, and my face probably showed it. I felt myself going a bit red. Troye did like boys, after all.
-"Hey, don't get all blushed up!"—he said—"I was kidding! Tyler told me your birthday was today... and I just so happened to notice you were on Skype, but I was not sure if it's already the 12th over there."
-"Hahaha... well, congratulations, you made it right on midnight."
-"I did? Hey, how about that? For once I ace at something..."
Troye and I talked for over twenty minutes. I was actually conversing for the first time in the whole week, mostly about YouTube though. We talked about how his collabs with Tyler have been explosive, addressing the whole Troyler thing ship. We also talked about VidCon and how much we liked it, and then mentioned he was coming to visit LA sometime soon. Out of courtesy for the most, I brought up hanging out with Tyler when he was here.
-"Really? Won't you mind us talking about cute boys?"—he asked teasingly. Now that I think about it, I may have not thought this through.
-"Well, Tyler has got me used to that already, so, yeah..."
-"Well, that's nice for a change! Finally a straight guy to be friends with!"
-"I'm touched!"
We laughed at our silliness. This is the first actual laugh I've had in a while. Maybe this is something I need? Someone who does not see me in a daily basis, who can just talk idiotic stuff with me and distract my head.
-"Hey"—I said—", this will sound random as eff, but how come we don't talk more often?"
Troye looked visually perplexed.
-"Well... we do live on opposite sides of the planet, for one..."
-"I know but there's Skype"—I said—"and I must say you are fun to hang out with."
-"Well... thanks, Connor... that means a lot..."
-"You can just call me Con if you'd like! My friends call me that."
Now it was Troye's turn to be awkward. Maybe I was taking it too far; he looked out of his comfort zone. I should remind myself he is not used to having straight male friends complimenting him.
-"How about this"—I said—": let's try to Skype more often. Today is a long run for me, and I need to go sleep at least a bit, but whenever you have free time and see me online, let's catch up!"
-"Well, yeah, I guess that would be nice!"
-"So, talk to you soon, Troye boy?"
-"Sure, Con! Let's talk tomorrow."
I ended the call and reflected upon what I had just done. I was making a new friend. This is not like me, but I have to give it a shot. I must prove Dr. Kellerman wrong. Today I turn 21, and from now on I will go back to being the happy person I have been so far along my life.
-"Are you eating ok? Are you making plans with your friends? When are you coming home? We're missing you and this is the first year you're so far away..."
-"Mom, I already told you, I think I'll be going home sooner than what you thought, I may go before Thanksgiving after all..."
I was talking on the phone with my mom, who had called me around noon to greet me on my birthday. My dad had already spoken with me, and now it was my mom's turn to make sure I was healthy and having a nice birthday. Well... at least I can try my best to make her feel less worried for now.
-"Well, sweetie, I have to run, but log in to Skype later so that I can at least see your face."—she said on the other end of the line—"Have all your siblings called you already?"
-"Well"—I answered—"Brandon and Nicola have, but Dustin hasn't called yet..."
-"Oh that kid, he's gonna hear it from me!"
-"No mom, it's fine! He's probably working; he'll call me later..."
Dustin was my eldest brother. When I was little I hanged out mostly with my little brother Brandon and my big sister Nicola, because we were not so apart in age. Being a middle child kind of sets you off with the siblings that are wither way too older or way too younger. Dustin and I were never the closest out of us four, but I really looked up to him. The last thing I would want would be for him to get any sort of trouble.
-"Well, if he does not call you, I will find out anyway Con."—my mom continued—"So he better do."
-"It's fine, mom... I'll Skype you later."
-"Ok, honey. I love you sunshine."
-"... I love you too, mom..."
I hang up and stared at the sky. I was lying on a grass bed in the middle of a park, shadowed by a tree. I had been jogging, and that was when my phone rang, so now I was just here on my own. I made sure to leave the house extra early this morning, so that the guys wouldn't find me sneaking off. It probably sucked to do that, because well it's my birthday and all that jazz. But yesterday I ditched them when they asked me to join them at the go karts to celebrate Jc's birthday. And to be honest, I feel like doing that has been a low blow on my part. I should've manned up and at least told them that I didn't want to go instead of simply disappearing, the way I am doing today as well. I keep disappointing myself myself like this, and I bet they are probably angry at me as well...
-"Found you!"—I heard a loud voice somewhere behind me before being tackled into a group hug by Jenn and Andrea. Wait, what? Jenn and Andrea? What are they even doing here?—"Happy birthday Connor!"
The one greeting me was Jenn, while Andrea did also hug me but remained particularly silent. She seemed... upset.
-"Thanks, Jenn! Thanks Andrea... funny to meet you guys here..."—I said trying to brush off my awkwardness.
-"Fancy meeting you here, sir!"—Jenn said—"We were about to drop by at your place to say happy birthday!"
-"Yeah"—Andrea said—", it's a shame you couldn't make it to Jc's yesterday, though."
I let the realization sink in. She was mad at me. This can only mean one thing; Kian is feeling hurt, and I was the reason. Andre and Kian have this thing that I have always envied. She would always stand up for him, comfort him, and he would do the same for her in ways that I have never experienced with any dates I've had before. She could tell from the slightest of details what—or who—was what made Kian feel miserable. Her eyes sunk like daggers onto me. I was the guilty one. I have let the guys down, and now I am running away. Why am I such a horrible person?
-"Do you have any plans for today? What a stupid question, of course you have!"—Jenn kept saying—"You and the guys are probably hanging out, can we come with?"
She kept rambling on and asking me questions. But all I could notice was Andrea. She looked hurt, disappointed at me. Am I really such a piece of shit?
-"Connor?"—Jenn asked, visually worried.
Why should she be worried?
I'm not worth it.
I'm not worth anything.
I backed up slowly, trying my best to hide my thoughts. Jenn looked concerned, Andrea looked pale. I felt the blood dry from my face. I felt the headache again. I felt... and then I felt nothing. I am... so... empty...
-"Thanks for asking, Jenn."—I said—"But I don't think I'm celebrating today. I feel kind of off... Actually... I'm going away, today..."
Jenn switched her concerned look to a disappointed and kind of confused one.
-"You're leaving? To where?"—She asked.
-"Portland."—I said, giving out the first name the popped up in my head—"To visit my older brother Dustin who lives there with his girlfriend. They have invited me over for a week, and I could only book a flight for today."
-"Wow, that's a shame..."—Jenn said—"but, surely you'll have fun!"
-"Yeah, totally"—I said.
After giving each other awkward hugs, and saying goodbyes, I left Andrea and Jenn and headed towards the O2L house. I had packing to do.
-"So"—Ricky said—"You're leaving?"
-"Yeah, my brother feels bad because he hasn't seen any of the family lately"—I replied, while stacking some underwear into my luggage—"it's really nothing, Ricky, I'll be back here in a week."
-"It's a shame you have to leave on your birthday, though."—Kian said as he helped me pack my things. Jc was holding Wishbone within his grasp, and Ricky was by the door of my room with a nutella cake he had just bought for me and a couple of candles. He's so caring... I don't deserve my friends...
-"I know... It was on really short notice so there's not much to do"—I lied again—"I'm really sorry for ditching yesterday, and having to leave today... but hey next week we are definitely hanging out together!"
I felt like a lie I told was packed upon another lie. I kept lying to them so that I wouldn't feel like such a douchebag. But to be honest, I am probably the worst piece of shit ever.
-"Wait, Connor..."—Jc said all of the sudden. He let Wishbone down on the floor and headed my way, and embraced me in a hug.
I felt my lungs paralyze for a second. Why is Jc not mad at me?
-"Happy birthday, bro"—he said—"I know you are sorry you couldn't make it yesterday, I couldn't stay mad for long. I hope you have a safe trip."
I do not deserve the friends that I have. I hugged Jc back, trying my best not to look totally helpless. Before I knew what was happening, Kian was hugging me as well. I do not deserve the friends that I have. Ricky walked over to us, took a match and lit the birthday cake candles.
-"Ricky..."—I said—"You really didn't have to..."
-"None sense!"—he said—"You're my best friend, today you turn twenty one. This is the least I can do. Ok guys, on the count of three..."
I want to say that the birthday song drove me to tears. I want to say how much their words meant to me and how little my life would mean without them, without my best friends. I would die to be able to say that they drive me on, that they made me happy. But all I can say was that I faked a smile during my last moments in the house before boarding the taxi to LAX, because I am such a horrible person that I am unable to actually feel something at all. My friends, they are such good people. I don't know why they even take all my crap. I don't even take all my crap. I can't. I have to be away; I need to escape. Portland, here I come.