Addison and I walked over to the nurses' station where Dr Erica Hahn was filling out paperwork with Dr Webber.
"This is Addison Montgomery head of neonatal and co-head of OB/GYN. Addison this is Erica Hahn," Dr Webber said.
"You're the new chief of cardio," Addison said. The two shook hands. Dr Hahn looked at me.
"Your brother is head of Plastics," Dr Hahn said.
"Yeah and the other one is head of Neuro," I said.
"You're on my service today right?" Dr Hahn asked.
"Correct," I said. "I'm gonna go get ready," I said kissing Addison's cheek before walking off.
Timeskip
I was doing a pre-op checkup on one of Dr Hahn's patients' Mr Arnold.
"My hands always get so sweaty in hospitals. It's the weirdest thing," Mr Arnold said.
"It's pretty common, actually. If it makes you feel any better, Dr Hahn has done this procedure hundreds of times," I said hanging my stethoscope around my neck.
"And she's really gonna thread a catheter up my leg, all the way to my heart?" Mr Arnold asked.
"Trust me, you are in excellent hands," I said putting a set of clean gloves on.
"But, um, I...I'll be out, right?" Mr Arnold asked.
"Oh, yeah, you'll be asleep. You won't remember a thing," I assured.
"Ivory-billed woodpecker," Mr Arnold said.
"I'm sorry?" I asked.
"Ivory-billed woodpecker...that's what's getting me through this. I'm a, uh, lifelong birdwatcher. And when I get through this, I am finally going to scout the ivory-billed woodpecker. It is so rare. You know, we...we thought it was extinct. But it's not. It lives in Arkansas...in this one little patch of swamp. Do you have any idea how incredible it is to see a bird like that in person?" Mr Arnold asked smiling at me.
"Ah, I get it. You got something to give you a reason to fight. I had my own ivory-billed woodpecker," I said.
"You do?" Mr Arnold asked. "What was it dear?"
"1969 Chevrolet Camaro ZL1. My best friend's mom took me and him to a car show when we were kids and we saw this car and fell in love. So we agreed that once we got enough money we'd buy the car together. We joined the army and he didn't make it back but I kept up the deal. I bought the car to honour him and our friendship," I said.
Timeskip
I was in the cath lab with Dr Hahn.
"The trick is to envision the artery like a spaghetti noodle...pliable, but not too fragile," Dr Hahn said talking me through it as I fed the wire through Mr Arnold's artery.
"Good morning," Dr Webber said walking in.
"Oh, this is an unexpected surprise, chief. You need something?" Dr Hahn asked.
"Oh, first day. Just wanted to see how you were settling in," Dr Webber said. I saw something on the screen.
"You see that?" Dr Hahn asked me.
"It's a blockage, left main coronary artery. It's totally closed off," I said.
"There's no way I'm getting a stent in there. We're gonna have to open him up," Dr Hahn said.
"BP is dropping to 58 over 20," I said.
"His heart's racing," Dr Webber said.
"What's happening to him? Tell me, Sloan," Dr Hahn said.
"His temp's rising. Muscles are rigid. All right, let's bring him off anaesthesia and start him on 100% o-2. He's got malignant hypothermia," I said. "He's allergic to the anaesthesia,"
"He'll never be able to endure the CABG," Dr Webber said.
"So we close him up?" I asked. Dr Hahn nodded.
Timeskip
We were in Mr Arnold's room now that he had woken up. We told him about what happened in surgery.
"That's just, uh...I mean, it sounds like you're telling me...you're not actually telling me I'm... I'm gonna die?" Mr Arnold asked.
"The blockage we found in your heart needs surgery, extensive surgery. Angioplasty won't work. And since you're allergic to the anaesthesia..." Dr Hahn trailed off.
"So I'll just, uh...I'll be like this. I'll be sick and exhausted and like this until one day when I'll just, uh die. It would've been wonderful to see that bird. It would've been wonderful," Mr Arnold said.
Timeskip
I sat in one of the research rooms behind the nurses' station with Cristina and Meredith.
"I drowned. I was sinking...I died. And you know what I realized? I realized how stupid all of my issues are," Meredith said.
"I'm waiting for how this applies to me," Cristina said.
"It doesn't," Meredith said.
"Of course not," Cristina said.
"Well, that man fell, and all he wanted was one last chance to tell Sally how he felt about her. And I got one last chance. I got my chance. And what have I done with it?" Meredith asked.
"You know, being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things," Cristina said.
"I know. Sage, how do you do it? You've got your life together," Meredith said.
"She knows me better than I know myself. I think about having kids and being married and having this perfect life and it's with her. It's me and her standing on the side of the field at our son's soccer game. I don't want a future that doesn't have her in it. She gets me. I have a crappy day and she's the first person I want to see," I said. "I love her," Meredith and Cristina looked at each other before looking at me.
"The lieutenant is all loved up," Meredith said. "And happy,"
"It's disturbing," Cristina said. I found what I was looking for and hit print.
"See you later," I said walking out to find Dr Hahn. I found her. "Dr Hahn, is it possible to perform Mr Arnold's surgery while he's awake by using a high thoracic epidural to numb him from the chest down? Let him breathe on his own the entire time. I mean, they pulled it off in India last month," I suggested.
"Let's go present our patient with it," Dr Hahn said. We walked into Mr Arnold's room and talked him through the option.
"Wide awake? You want me to let you slice open my chest while I'm wide awake?" Mr Arnold asked.
"It is your best option," Dr Hahn said.
"Uh, how...how long would I have to be lying there, uh, on the table with my chest open, uh, like that?" Mr Arnold asked.
"The surgery can take up to five or six hours. Maybe more," Dr Hahn said.
"Uh, six hours...awake...with you operating on my heart. I..." Mr Arnold questioned.
"The ivory-billed woodpecker," I said. "The ivory-billed woodpecker. Mr Arnold, you want to live to see it, don't you? This is your only chance,"
"Ivory-billed woodpecker," Mr Arnold said nodding.
"Excellent. Sloan, we will scrub in as soon as an OR is free," Dr Hahn said.
Timeskip
I was sitting studying ready for the awake open-heart surgery.
"Awake open-heart surgery," Addison said sitting next to me.
"Yeah. I'm going to be home a little late. Is that okay?" I asked.
"Yes. Of course, it's okay. I've done my residency and my fellowships. I'm an attending now. This means that in terms of whose career comes first, it's yours. You're still learning and making it as a surgeon. I've already made it," Addison said. "It's your turn now,"
"That's a lot of pressure," I said.
"No. No pressure. You smash it on the field and I'll be right here cheering you on like a cheerleader. I'm going to go grab some food and then I'll come back and help you study," Addison kissed my cheek. "Stop picturing me in a cheerleading outfit,"
"I'm not," I said.
"Yes you are," Addison said.
Timeskip
We were in the OR with Mr Arnold. He had just received the epidural. I wheeled over an IV bag with an ivory-billed woodpecker and left it on the side where Mr Arnold could see it.
"Uh, I can't feel anything from the neck down. It's almost like the rest of me just...doesn't exist," Mr Arnold said as Dr Hahn made the first cut.
"Okay, the sound you're about to hear, that's the saw," I said. The saw was turned on.
"That...that's not a pretty sound. And...and...and that smell. That...that smell is not..." Mr Arnold trailed off.
"That's the cautery. I...I know it's hard, but you'll get used to it. In a moment or two, you won't even notice it. I promise. We've got you, Mr Arnold. Just try to relax and embrace it. It's not every day you get to say that you had awake open heart surgery. Lots of people can say they've had awake brain surgery but awake open heart surgery now that is something very unique," I said. Dr Hahn cracked his chest. Around halfway, through the surgery, Mr Arnold started freaking out.
"You're, uh...you're, uh you're looking at my heart? You're looking at my actual heart?" Mr Arnold asked.
"Better than that, Mr Arnold, we're fixing it," Dr Hahn said.
"And, uh, all...all those people, uh, up there in the observation deck, they're...they're, uh, looking at it, too?" Mr Arnold asked.
"They are," I said.
"People watching me. People watching me instead of, uh...it's...it's so weird, uh, to be the one being watched. It...it's so weird," Mr Arnold said freaking out.
"How you doing there, Mr Arnold? You need anything?" Dr Hahn asked.
"Uh, uh, it's...it's cold, uh, co-cold in here. Uh, I...I need to cover up. Uh, uh, c-cover me up. Um, cov-cover me up. C-cov-cover me up," He began stammering.
"Yeah, we're gonna...we're...we're gonna cover your legs with more blankets right now," I said.
"Oh, c-cov-cover me up. Okay? Okay, cover...cover me up," Mr Arnold said.
"His heart rate's up to 168," I said.
"Damn it," Dr Hahn said quietly.
"You know, uh, ev-everybody's watching, uh, and...and, uh, I...I need to be covered up. I...I need...I...I can't stay like this. I can't stay like this. You need...need...I...I can' I can't. No, stop right now. Just...just stop the surgery. Stop! Stop it! Stop! Stop! Okay, I...I mean it. Get your hands out of me. Please stop!" Mr Arnold said.
"Mr Arnold, I need you to calm down so that your heart can calm down," Dr Hahn said.
"Okay, hey, Mr Arnold. Good. Okay. Think about the birds," I said.
"You bought the car now why do you fight? What's your reason?" Mr Arnold asked.
"I fight because when I was 22 I nearly lost my chance to fight. So Mr Arnold if it's alright with you keep fighting this evening because this morning you nearly lost the chance to fight," I said. "Just describe the people in the observation deck as birds," I said. "You think you can do that for me, Mr Arnold?"
"I can do that," Mr Arnold said.
"Then I'm going to get back to my job you keep doing yours though," I said.
Timeskip
I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling while Addison slept beside me. I sat up.
"Where are you going?" Addison asked.
"I'm just going to sleep on the couch," I said.
"Sage, you can talk to me if you want to. You're not alone," Addison said. "You don't have to be alone anymore,"
"I had open heart surgery in the desert with no pain meds. I was wide awake being held down by Hunt so that Teddy could operate on me without me killing her because I was so out of it. That gave me a fear of cardio surgeries. I pushed a limit today that needed to be pushed but I don't want to be in a cardio OR anytime soon. Teddy worked with me to work on that fear but I jumped in head first and I can't handle it," I said. Addison pulled me into her arms.
"I've got you. You're safe. I've got you. You're okay," Addison said.
"I feel like I can feel the scalpel," I said quietly.
"Come on stand up," Addison said. She stood up and held her hand out for me. I stood up and took her hand. She sat me down on the stool at her vanity table. "Can I take your shirt off?" I took my shirt off. I didn't have a bra on so all my scars could be seen. Addison's hand took mine and she traced my hand over the scar on my chest. "There's no scalpel. You're all stitched up. You're not bleeding. I've got you. You're safe and I'm right here," Addison said. I traced my hand over my chest.
"I'm safe and I'm not bleeding out right now," I said to myself. "Can I keep the shirt off? It helps,"
"You can do whatever you want," Addison said. We got back into bed and cuddled.
"Thank you," I said.
"I love you okay? I'm here. I'm always going to be right here," Addison said.
"I know. I love you too," I said. "Still thank you," I kissed her.