ANITA POV
I kissed Lydia's forehead as the doctor placed the gel on her stomach. In her excitement, she'd taken a pregnancy test the previous day that turned out to be positive which actually did not help or hinder her mix of excitement or fear. The doctor gave a general disclaimer that most times parents aren't able to see the baby this early on because it's hard to tell what they should be looking for. Lydia held my hand as the doctor held the instrument against her belly. My heart dropped as I looked at the screen, there was nothing there. My mind immediately flashed to years ago when I was staring at an ultrasound of my own uterus, the day I lost my first baby. The pain of the memory choked me but I refused to let it show because Lydia still didn't know, and now was not the time. The doctor continued to search for a few moments, clearly just stalling before having to break the news. I took it as my moment to collect my thoughts because I knew, that as gutted as I was.. this was going to be harder on Lydia.
Finally the doctor gave in with a sigh, "unfortunately the IVF was unsuccessful."
Lydia's hand left mine and she pulled her shirt down as she sat up without speaking.
"Ms Colvin, we still have time to discuss your options for next steps." The doctor attempted but Lydia stood and made her way for the door.
I realized stopping her would be a futile attempt so I turned to the doctor, "Thank you for your time, I think we both just need some time to process it before being ready to discuss it further. If you could email me the information that would be great."
"I understand." She nodded.
I quickly left, grabbing our jackets and purses on my way out of the door in an effort to catch up to Lydia. She'd reached the elevator and the doors closed on my face as I got to her. I impatiently waited for the next one and finally caught up to Lydia at the car. She was attacking the driver side door of the car. I reached the car and first threw our things into the backseat before going to the other side of the car to deal with Lydia.
"Babe." As I approached her, she slowed her motions and her forearms pathetically thudded against the window. I pulled her into a hug, "I know it hurts, and it is frustrating."
She shook her head and attempted to pull away, letting me know that encouraging words werent what she needed in the moment. I knew despite her current mindset the last thing she really wanted is to make a spectacle of herself in the hospital parking lot so I didn't allow her to pull away, instead I picked her up and carried her to the passenger side. I usually make it a point not to assert just how much stronger physically I am but this was different. I sat her in the passenger seat and closed the door. By the time I got into the car she had fastened her seatbelt but was staring glumly out of the window.
"Let's go home." I said softly as I touched her thigh.
"No. Take me to the office." She said dryly, then she added "please" because the statement must've come out harsher than she intended.
We sat in silence for the rest of the ride. Once I parked she all but darted out of the car and into the building. I exhaled and grabbed our stuff from the backseat and went in to follow her. The security guards greeted me at the door, by now they knew me by name and appearance so I didn't need the formalities of using ID and signing myself in or anything when I came now. The express security helped me to catch the same elevator as Lydia this time. I stepped inside as the doors shut. We both stared straight ahead as it went up.
"I wish you'd stop running from me." I said without opening my mouth fully.
The doors opened and to my dismay, she stormed out and straight into Nic's office. I exited the elevator slow and defeated. Nic looked in the direction of her office door as Lydia shut it, then she gave me a rather authentic sympathetic look. She told Rachel to unlock Lydia's office before she walked to me. She came over and grabbed the stuff from my hands as I followed her into Lydia's office. Once she shut the door and dropped the stuff onto the table she turned to me, in that moment I broke down.
The tears built up in my eyes and my voice cracked when I spoke, "she won't talk to me." She nodded in understanding and opened her arms to me. I leaned into a hug and she held me tight. It felt like time stood still in that moment. "I just want her to talk to me."
"I know babe. She just needs a moment."
"Then why aren't you in there helping her? I pulled away from her.
"Because what will help her get better sooner, is to know that you're getting the support you need. Because she's upset, yes. But the reason she can't face you right now is because she knows you're hurting too, but she's hurting too bad to be there for you. So as far as she's concerned she's failed you TWICE today." She held my shoulders.
The word twice resonated within me, and it hurt. I stared at her without blinking, "twice?" Before she could respond I continued, "Nic.. does she actually want this? I mean ACTUALLY? Or is she doing it to make me happy?" It hurt to think that she'd been doing all of this just because I wanted a baby or worse- because she felt like she needed to after I told her about the twins.
Instead of giving me a straight answer Nic shook her head, "If it was only for you, she'd be here right now consoling you. Guilt or disappointment whatever you want to call it, she can handle on its own. But right now she is mourning and she is processing and she can't handle processing the guilt or disappointment on top of that." I nodded as a tear fell and I stepped away from her, I started to speak but she gave me a nod that let me know it was unnecessary. "Stay here, I will get her back to you as soon as I can. I can't guarantee the stat she'll be in but I'll get her to you and you two can process and talk and cope together."
"Thank you."
"I'll have someone bring you some tea and maybe some water. If you're hungry I'll order lunch in a bit. Its Lydia's office, so you know- what's hers is yours. You have her computer password if you need to use it. Whatever else- send me a text." She scanned the room with her arm out as she spoke.
"Okay."
LYDIA POV
I sat on the bench by what used to be the floor to ceiling windows in Nic's office. They were still impressive and reached the ceiling, now they were just bench to ceiling instead. I stared out into the city, everything felt calmer from up here. Watching people shuffle through the streets on foot, on bikes, in cars and on buses, every single one of them has a million things on their mind at this very moment but from this height it's just a miscellaneous system of movement. My stomach was still sticky from the gel and the realization brought me back to the doctor's office and I immediately needed it off of me. I peeled off my shirt and used a bottle of water to wet the clean parts of my shirt to scrub the gel off of me frantically. I then found a sweater in Nic's closet to put on before returning to my seat by the window.
Nic entered eventually, she sat in a chair nearby, I knew she wouldn't come over to the window with me so I didn't bother asking.
"Is she okay?" I asked her.
"She's hurting and she's worried about you and she wants you- she needs you."
I leaned my head against the window, "I know in my head I shouldn't be so hurt- I mean, I'm mourning a baby that never existed. It's ridiculous."
"It's not"
I curled myself into a ball and tucked my chin into my chest. She didn't speak up for a while but when she did she spoke in a low near whispered tone.
"What's going on in your head right now?"
"I just want to stay in this little ball and shut the world out for a few days and live under a blanket."
"What would that solve?"
"I don't know Nic."
She came over and sat beside me, "I'm not going to tell you how to feel because I havent been in your place. But your fiancée has mourned two babies already, and I'm sure she thought this third one wouldn't be as bad because at least she wouldn't be alone like last time. But apparently she was wrong, because she's alone and she shouldnt be."
"How can I help her when I can't even help myself?"
"You help each other babe. You want to close off the rest of the world? That's fine but let her in with you." She touched my knee, "but she did tell me to make sure you understand that she needs you."
"Can you take it?" I asked her.
"I can, but I won't." She shook her head.
"Nic, please."
She contemplated but stood her ground, "No, I think it would be best for your relationship to be able to heal and cope together. I don't want you to take the easy way out."
I groaned, "sometimes I hate that you always do what's best for me but I know I'll be thankful later."
I ended up writing a letter to Anita for Nic to deliver for me as I took a few more moments to prepare myself.
ANITA POV
I sat on the couch near the windows in Lydia's office, they weren't open but at least they gave the illusion of getting a little air. I had shamelessly searched every corner, drawer and shelf in her office unsure of what I was looking for but I'd found it. A sketch book that quite literally had my name written all over it. The pages were a mixture of random sketches of me or general facts about me or my likes and dislikes, some were lists of date ideas or gift ideas, some clothing designs, I even found the outfit she'd made for me the other week as well as all of her plans for that weekend. But there was a page way before all of that, maybe at the halfway point of the book that was a pro and con list for having a baby.
Pros:
- I've always wanted my own
- I love babies
- OJ & Liyah are the best big siblings ever
- i have the best coparent
- Anita's genes are better than mine anyways
- share the experience with the woman I love
- close in age with Nic's kids
- little baby cuddles
Cons:
- babysitter/nanny/day care???
- what if I can't carry full term?
- what if I'm a total bitch while pregnant...
I ran my fingertips over the page before closing the book. I picked up another one of her more general sketchbooks and flipped through the pages to admire her work. If she wasn't going to talk to me, at least this way I could still feel close to her in a way. Her creativity and artistic ability never ceases to amaze me and it's abundantly clear that this is where her passion is.
A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts.
"Come in." I called out.
Nic entered and couldn't help but laugh, "you two are like the same person, Lydia's been in the same position in my office."
"Is she okay?" I asked her as she approached me.
"She's upset and hurting, and she's worried about you."
"If she was worried about me, she'd be here." I said through clenched teeth.
"That's.. yeah that's fair. But she wrote you this letter after I started to get her to understand that she doesn't have to wait until she's feeling better to face you." She handed me a folded piece of paper, "and before you complain, she said once you read the letter she'll come in her immediately. She just wants to make sure you're both on the same page in case she gets too overwhelmed to talk to you right away." She took a moment to scan the room, "did you find what you were looking for?"
"I wasn't looking for anything really." I shrugged.
"The only thing Lydia will ever be hiding from you, is whatever the next surprise she has lined up for you." She stood up, "but if you're going to go through her office, the least you could do is uncover her candy stash and treat yourself." She walked over to a shelf, moved a few things out of the way and opened a hidden compartment. She returned to me and handed me two lollipops. "Now I'll shut up so you can read your letter." She giggled.
Anita-
I don't think I've ever apologized to a single person as much as I've apologized to you. I should not have shut you out, I saw how much I was hurting you and please believe I wanted to reach out to you. I was too consumed in myself and that isn't fair to you. The more I realized that I was adding to your pain, the worse I felt and I couldn't take it. I don't really DO emotions, I can help others through theirs but I've never been great with my own and ever since Nic and I had our connection I never really had to. I want more than anything to just be there for you, to help you through this but I honestly don't know how. Nic says we should be able to help each other through this together, I have no clue how that would work but I'm willing to try.
Also, you told Nic you were worried I didn't actually want this baby- that I was only doing it for you. That's ridiculous. Honestly. Yes, I will always move mountains for you. Yes, I will always try my best to make you happy, make you smile. But let's understand one thing- I allow you to push me out of my comfort zone. Going scuba diving, taking a day off from work, learning a new skill or trade- that's all little stuff that I would do a thousand times over because I know they mean a lot to you. But bringing a baby into the world? Babe that's huge, that's life changing- and if I didn't want to do it, it would not have been done. Let's not forget, when we first had the conversation you specifically made sure you asked me first because you didn't want my answer influenced by yours and I told you then that I wanted. And you've given me so many chances to turn back and I refused.
Yes I feel like I failed you, but not because I was doing this only for you babe. I lost our baby... Your eggs were healthy, the sperm we used was healthy. It had to have been me, my body.
And I think you should know, I knew. I knew you could read an ultrasound, I knew the moment you saw nothing, the moment you realized the doctor was just biding her time by finishing her search. But I could tell you needed that head start to figure out your emotions, so I tried to hold mine back. And then they all came crashing down on me at once. I thought that if I could get away you could finish processing yours- or I'd be able to quickly process mine. I was trying not to get in your way. By the time we were in the car I realized I couldn't manage mine, but I still didn't find it fair to make you help me when you were hurting as well. That's why I suggested we come here to the office. Because, as I've mentioned before, Nic instantly fills in where I can't. I knew she'd know to go to you first, she'd catch on to what was happening immediately. I didn't want you to be alone, so I used Nic because I was too weak to do it myself. I hoped you'd feel my love for you through her.
She made it very clear that you didn't want a surrogate for my love. So as I'm sure she mentioned, she'll come get me once you finish this letter. I love you so so much.
Yours,
Lydia
I blinked away a few tears as I indicated to Nic that I'd finished the letter. She gave me a nod as she stood up and left the room. I played with the letter in my hands for a bit until another knock on the door came. I called for her to come in, although it was a little silly to me that she knocked on her own office. She entered and closed the door behind her, she'd changed her shirt and was wrapped in a blanket. She walked over to me and opened her arms, I pulled her into a hug. As I felt her tears begin to soak my shirt I remembered the two lollipops Nic had given me, everything was always a hint to a riddle with them. I managed to slip one of them under her blanket and into her hand.
She sat up for a moment and examined it, she gave me a confused look, "how the hell did you find this?"
"Nic found it for me." I replied as I opened mine.
She opened hers and looked me in the eye, "are you okay?"
"I'm better now that you're here and talking to me." I put my lollipop in my mouth.
"Its not fair to you if I just curl up into a ball and hide from the world. Even though that's what I want right now." She licked her lollipop, "I can't shut you out though completely, even if I wanted to I couldn't. And I've also been reminded that I would hate to miss out on our last few weeks with Ken."
"Good to know." I nodded, "and if you do ever need to shut the world out, thats okay- short term."
"Except you. I don't want to shut you out." She reiterated.
"I'm honored." I joked.
She sat next to me and laid her head on my shoulder, pausing as she realized she'd sat on her sketchbooks. She picked up the one with my name on it, "I could've saved a lot of time on your letter if I knew you had this."
"It's not my proudest moment." I admitted.
"Pfft.. you read or look through whatever the fuck you want." She assured me, "I'm just surprised you're still here and not super creeped out by it."
"If I weren't already madly in love with you and knew that I could trust you with my life- I'd probably have you committed. But you're just secretly a helpless romantic with not enough opportunities to express it outwardly."
"Yeah, and you have equally terrifying tendencies, so we must be perfectly matched."
"You're seriously unbothered by me going through your stuff?"
"Well don't do it too often or else surprising you would be impossible. But otherwise, I would only be upset if you did it because you didn't trust me."
We sucked on our lollipops for a bit without talking. Eventually she spoke up.
"I know it's stupid to miss something that never existed."
"Its not stupid. All of your emotions are valid babe. It's disappointing, trust me I know. But I need you to understand it wasn't your fault. Sometimes it just doesn't work, that's all that happened. There's nothing you could've done to change the outcome." I let the silence fall over us for a moment before deciding on what to say next, "and just so you know, me looking at an ultrasound is like how you felt about water color painting, yes I can do it, I learned to do it. But it's not my specialty, I could've been wrong."
"Next time, I'd rather hear it from you. And I'd rather the doctor correct you than for us not to be on the same page."
"Next time?"
"Oh babe, you know me better than to think I was going to completely give up after one failed attempt." She held my hand beneath the blanket.
"You're resilient, one of the many things I love about you."
Soon Nic stopped by with lunch for us, I invited her to stay and eat with us but she said she had a working lunch and couldn't. After lunch we decided to leave and go home. I made us stop by the kitchen and opened up the liquor cabinet.
"What are you doing?"
I poured us each a shot of an apple flavored brandy, "to our baby that never was." I lifted my glass.
She lifted hers, "to our baby that never was." After we took the shot she looked at me.
"What?" I giggled.
"Drinking our sorrows away?"
"Well I know you don't want Dr. Anita, and she wouldn't approve but your fiancée Anita would very much love to drink with you in the middle of the day."
"As you know, I haven't drank in a few months but for this occasion- and with you, of course. The one joy of finding out I'm not pregnant." She slid her cup towards me.
I poured another shot for each of us and gasped, "wait, we need to be sober to pick the kids up from school. Or at least I need to be."
"Nic can do it." She shrugged.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. I'll text her now." She confirmed.
After our second shot we moved upstairs to the bedroom, by then she showed me Nic's confirmation text. After a few more drinks we were feeling a little tipsy but not drunk and decided to quit while we were ahead.
She placed her hands on my cheeks and looked into my eyes, "okay I have a question, that I hope you know the answer to but if not its fine."
"Okay..."
"If we wanted to try again, how soon can we- or do I have to do all the medication again?"
I bit the inside of my cheek, "I haven't checked my email yet, but she was supposed to email me all the details. But I would think maybe four weeks, so you can go through a full cycle in between tries."
She bit her lip and looked down at my lips as I spoke, "okay, that's not too bad."
I touched her chin gently and pulled her into a kiss.
Nicki POV
I had a working lunch as Margo and I split up Lydia's workload to avoid either of needing to stay late. I had an intern pick up chipotle for Lydia and Anita before Rachel and Vanessa informed me they were headed to a Mexican restaurant to grab food so Margo and I put in an order with them to bring back.
Margo sat on the corner of my desk leaned over to look at my computer with her ipad in hand as we divided up our work. We separated some stuff that could technically get done tomorrow or from home later into a list before dividing up the more pertinent items.
"Do you think they'll try again?" Margo asked me.
"Who?" I continued sifting through the task lists.
"Lydia and Anita.. for the baby." She clarified.
I looked up at her, realizing I hadn't paid attention to her initial statement, "of course they will. They're both too persistent to give up after the first try."
"I really thought it was going to happen" she sighed.
"We all did."
"It just really sucks. They're gonna be awesome moms together, like their kid is already lucky as hell." She thought out loud.
"Can we just focus on work for now?"
"Jeez, sorry." She puffed out some air.
She ended up using one of the tables behind me to eat her lunch and get work done. I got a message got a message from Lydia thanking me for the lunch on behalf of her and Anita, and letting me know they were heading home. Soon after I received a message requesting for me to pick the kids up from school and take them to my place.
I did as much as I could at the office and set up everything else to be finished from home.
I picked Rory up from school first and had identical conversations with her as I did with the younger 3 soon after in response to their surprise that Anita wasn't picking them up. And because I don't lie, I remained vague by saying 'Lydia and Anita just needed a break to spend some time alone together today'. They lost interest soon after anyways and began telling me all about their day and everything that happened.
Aubrey was at home when I got there, he had already started on dinner and offered me a kiss after I sent the kids upstairs to do homework.
"Hey, I heard- are you okay?"
"I don't want to talk about it right now, how was your day?" I placed my hand on his chest.
"Okay." He agreed, "my day was pretty good, quiet. And I went to lunch with two of my colleagues, it was a nice italian restaurant I think you'd like. If you have time this weekend I want to take you there."
"We'll see, but I love that idea." I hugged him.
I ended up tending to the little ones and checking on the older ones while he finished dinner. During dinner the kids did most of the talking, afterwards the older kids had some freetime while we got the triplets and Logan bathed, dressed and read stories to them before putting them all to bed. Then we monitored to be sure OJ, Zoe and Ken showered, brushed their teeth and so on. Ken slept in the other guest room again, with a few borrowed decor from Zoe to make it more homey for her. Aubrey left to go get showered himself as I tucked the three of them in one by one.
OJ asked to read some of his book before bed so I set a timer on his ipad for him to know when it was time to stop and go to bed. As I went to leave his room he stopped me.
"Mommy, are you sad?"
"Am I sad?" I repeated his question.
"Mhmm."
I walked back over to him and cupped his face in my hands, "I'm always so happy to have you here with me, because I miss you so much and rarely get to see you."
"But you have a new family."
"Who told you that?" I gave him a confused look.
He shrugged.
"This is your family. Its not a new family, we're just bigger than we used to be." I assured him.
"I'm gonna read my book now." He picked up his book.
I shook my head as I stood up, that's kids for you. They'll throw you for a loop and then shrug you off as if you started this craziness.
I found Rory in Zoe's room helping her wrap her hair for bed. They blew me kisses and said goodnight before I left to check on Ken.
"Hey lovebug, are you all set for bed?"
"Can we call Nee Nee so I can say good night to her?" She wiped her eyes.
"Maybe not tonight, she might be asleep already she had a long day." I told her, "but we'll call her in the morning okay?"
She groaned, "okay.. but she never said when we could see my new mom's again and I really wanted to ask her."
"In the morning." I repeated.
"Fine.." she pouted.
"Good night." I sang.
"Good night." She pulled the covers up, "I love you."
I paused before responding, "Love you."
Aubrey was in bed on his phone when I got back to the room. I closed and locked the door behind me.
"Aubrey." I whispered as I realized my body was frozen in that spot. "Aubrey." I said again, this time my voice cracked slightly.
After looking up at me he got up with a calm sense of urgency and within seconds he was standing in front of me cautiously touching my arms, "what's wrong?"
I looked up at him, still unable to move, "I held it together. I held it together all day. I did everything I was supposed to do, I was there for both of them, I worked, I picked up the kids, I did the whole family and mom thing. And I held it all together the whole time." I rambled.
"You did. And you did amazing babe." He told me.
"I need you." I managed to say before it all came crashing down at once. The tears fell and my legs refused to hold my weight anymore but he caught me and carried me to the bed.
"It's okay. I'm here." He hugged me, "is this about Lydia and them?"
I nodded, "I know I'm being ridiculous and I'm trying not to be but I can't help it. It's not fair, I didn't deserve to have my kids and they're here- and she-they." My voice cracked.
"Stop saying that, maybe they don't deserve it. But dont put yourself down and our family down because of them," he protested.
Without thinking I slammed the sides of my fists into his chest, "Why would you say that?!" I didn't even realize my eyes were shut until I opened them.
He shook his head and took a deep breath, "Nic I didnt mean it like that, it came out wrong"
He continued talking but I couldn't pay attention to him. I stared at my own hands in horror at what I had just did.
I pulled away from him, "you need to get away from me."
"What?"
"I- I just hit you. I'm sorry." I managed.
"Its fine Nic."
"Its NOT fine. It's NOT okay that I hit you. Don't ever tell me that's okay."
"I upset you, and it didn't even hurt babe."
"That's not the point!"
"What do you want me to do Nic?" He threw his hands in the air.
I ran my fingers through my hair as I felt myself beginning to hyperventilate, "I don't know, I don't know. It's too much. I cant-"
He grabbed his phone, "I'm calling your therapist then."
"Okay." I nodded, "No wait, no. What if she's with Anita? Or is she needs her? She should be there."
"Then you let her tell you that Nic. You need to stop prioritizing them over yourself." He yelled as he dialed the number.
"I'll be in the guest room. Because I don't want to fight with you and we're both upset right now." I said calmly as he raised the phone to his ear. He gave me a silent nod as I left.
I found myself silently crying in the guest room, distraught, filled with guilt, and upset because the one person I would usually be able to come to about it is the one person I can't go to- which added to the guilt. Then there was the added stress of knowing the worse I felt the more likely it was that Lydia would feel it and it would cause her to worry about me instead.
There was a soft knock at the door and I realized I had lost track of time.
"Come in." I lifted my head.
Lea entered and closed the door behind her, "I got here as soon as I could."
"Thank you." I started to sit up.
"You don't have to sit up if you're more comfortable laying down right now." She said as she sat next to me on the bed.
I laid back down.
"So, do you want to talk about it?"
"Yes, but I don't know where to start." I groaned.
"Okay, how about lets start with what happened right before Aubrey called me. He said you were upset and you were trying to talk it out- good job by the way- and then it took a turn for the worst."
"I hit him." I said dryly.
"Why?"
"I was angry with him, with what he said."
"Okay. What did he say?"
"He said they didn't deserve a baby." I blinked away a tear, "I know its not what he meant to say, that it came out wrong. But I hit him."
"What happened then?" She prodded.
"He said it was okay, but it's not. So I started freaking out and couldn't calm myself down so he called you." I relayed then I looked at her, "wait, can you promise that if Anita needs you you'll go to her?"
"I can do that." She nodded, "now why do you think you got so upset after you hit him?"
I sat up, "because if the roles were reversed, I'd have to leave him." She gave me a nod to let me know she understood so I continued, "I'm afraid that I am toxic. I'm the toxic partner emotionally, and I can NOT be one physically as well. I've been the victim too many times I can't- I can't do that."
"And that's completely understandable. And that's something we could figure out and work on together if you want." She made eye contact with me. "For now, let's focus on what happened before you hit him."
I hugged my knees and rested my chin on them, "I got pregnant twice without trying. Both times I wasn't even ready nor did I want to be pregnant. And Logan- I did everything wrong. She survived against all odds. Lydia and Anita are SO prepared and excited and they're doing everything right.. so why do I get a miracle baby and surprise triplets?"
"So are you feeling guilty for your successful pregnancies?"
"Yes."
"Hm.. how far along was she?"
"She wasn't pregnant- it didn't work."
"Okay. So its not the successful pregnancies that's the problem, it's the successful conceptions you should be comparing."
"I was on birth control when I got pregnant with Logan. It's like 97% effective or something."
"Your oldest, OJ, he was planned right?"
"Yeah."
"How many tries did it take?"
"Ugh... a lot!"
"Mhmm." She nodded her head slowly and waited for me to catch on.
"Right." I took a deep breath. "It's just a first try."
"Now, maybe we should try to think about why you wanted to find a way to blame yourself."
"Because it's Lydia, and she deserves the world. And we've always balanced each other out or shared everything... and we can't share everything now because we're not together." I explained, "I can't have a child for her, and if I could- it still wouldn't be the same. And I don't even know if that would be better or worse."
"It's very sweet that you want to help fix everything for her. But it's important to acknowledge what's out of your control."
"And instead?"
"Instead, you just be there for her to help her through it."
"How do I do that without imposing?" I groaned, "plus I already told her that she needs to work through it with Anita not me."
"So it sounds like you're already helping."
"Just send her to Anita?"
"Why don't you tell me what happened?" She readjusted her seat, but a look in her eye told me she already knew what I was going to say.
"I feel like that's unnecessary."
"Why's that?"
"Because you already talked to Anita, she already told you."
She contemplated her next words, "In that scenario- she could only tell me as much as she knows."
I drew in some air before relaying the pep talks I'd given to both Anita and Lydia this morning. She reiterated the idea that what I did was the best way I could support them right now and that moving forward just being present and available is all that was necessary. For a while she just let me talk and clear my head while she listened. We ended up circling back to our previous conversation regarding my fear of being the toxic partner.
"If you want to work through that together we would need to meet on some form of a schedule in order to appropriately assess and monitor the changes and progressions involved and you need to be willing to dig deeper to find the root of the problem." She explained.
"Like weekly right?"
"Ideally yes." She agreed.
"I think I can do that."
"I look forward to working with you." She shook my hand.
"Thank you for coming tonight."
"Of course."
I walked her downstairs and she paused at the door, "I see you keep the lights on at night." She observed.
"That's a conversation for another day." I nodded.
Something behind me caught her eye, "3 kids backpacks- which tells me you have OJ, Zoe and Kennedy here tonight"
"Correct."
"They're usually with Anita and Lydia right? So that puts you with all 8 tonight."
"Yeah, they just asked and of course I said yes."
"You're helping them and supporting them more than you give yourself credit for." She stated as she continued out the door.
Once she left I walked upstairs where I found Aubrey asleep sitting propped against the headboard. I got undressed before crawling to him and gently placing my hands on either side of his face.
He stirred awake and looked into my eyes, "damn it, I was trying to stay awake for you."
"I want to apologize for getting out of control, and especially for hitting you tonight. But also to thank you for being patient and just awesome with me nonetheless." I spoke softly.
"Are you feeling better?"
"Yes." I smiled, "now lay down so you're not in pain tomorrow."
He shook his head, "not until you kiss me."
I giggled, "oh don't worry that was already in the plan."
He pulled me into a kiss such that I was straddling him. I kissed him back and we ended up making out for a bit and for that moment nothing else mattered. Just that I loved him, and he loved me.