039 | TIMING IN TIMES LIKE THESE
( renegade — big red machine,
ft. taylor swift )
" is it insensitive for me to say
get your shit together
so i can love you?
is it really your anxiety
that keeps you from giving me everything
or do you just not want to? "
( renegade is 100% stiles' pov in this chapter... )
MANHATTAN,
NEW YORK
____________________________
"OOH, KINKY." Aspen chuckled as Stiles wrapped a black cloth around her eyes as a blindfold, then proceeding to open the car door for her.
"Should've known you'd make a comment like that," Stiles laughed, making sure she got into the seat safely and then closing the car door.
"Remind me again why I have to be blindfolded?" Aspen asked as Stiles got in the driver's seat, "If I didn't know you better, I'd say you were giving off a real kidnappy vibe right now."
"Because it's a surprise," Stiles chuckled, switching the engine on.
"A surprise?" Aspen scoffed, "We literally just found out that Allison is sired to Theo and that she's basically superhuman with a super-villain agenda, and we're spending time on surprises?"
"Just shut up and let me do this," Stiles smiled— even though Aspen couldn't see it through the blindfold. "It's not a long drive."
Aspen's lips pursed in thought, and then she sighed. "Fine— but only because you've got me incredibly curious."
It was about ten minutes later when Stiles pulled the car over to a curb to park on the side of the road, and as he pulled up the handbrake to stop the car, he reached over to Aspen in the passenger seat and said "You ready?"
"Dying of anticipation." Aspen smirked, making Stiles laugh as he untied it and revealed the surprise to her as she looked out of the window.
The smile on Aspen's lips fell as she realised where they were, where Stiles had brought her.
A pit formed in her stomach as her entire mood shifted from the excitement from a few seconds ago, to dread.
An adoption centre.
"Stiles..." Aspen's mood had completely shifted as she turned to look at him with a wary look.
"What's the harm in a visit?" Stiles said softly, "You said you were open to thinking about it, Asp."
"Yeah— but only after everything with Allison is over." Aspen clarified.
Aspen noticed something about his expression change for a moment as she said that, but it was gone as soon as it arrived.
"Stiles, I love you— and I love that you're thinking about the future and us—" said Aspen, "But we have literally an allisongajillion problems right now— and we don't have time for carrot dangling."
"Carrot dangling?" Stiles chuckled in response.
"Yes, carrot dangling." Aspen replied firmly. "For right now— we can't have this life. And you wanna show me some kid who doesn't have a home—who—who in some other perfect life, I'd actually be able to be a mother to, with no complications. But I don't live in some other perfect life, I live in this one, and with everything going on right now— I don't know if I can ever have this life. That's like dangling a carrot in front of a frickin' bunny."
"Well you're not a bunny." Stiles replied softly, "And you don't even like carrots."
"I do if they're roasted." she clarified dumbly, with a shrug, "Anyway— not my point!"
"Look," Stiles shifted in his seat, facing her, "I'm not dangling the carrot in front of you. Think of it as just having a taste to see whether you like it or not. You can't swear you don't like something if you've never tried it."
"That's also not true." Aspen scoffed, "I don't need to try mushy peas to know they taste like gack."
"Well this isn't mushy peas!" Stiles exclaimed, almost laughing at the stupid analogies they were using in such a serious conversation, "Would you just let me do this? Let me give you a glimpse of a life you deserve?"
"What's the point..." Aspen said hopelessly, "I'm probably gonna die anyway, I won't get the chance to raise any kid in there."
When Aspen had agreed to sort of get back together with Stiles, that had been before they heard what Deaton had to say. Knowing the facts behind what was going on had taken the tiniest shred of hope Aspen had and ripped it up completely, tossing it into a fire.
"Stop it." Stiles shook his head, "Don't talk like that. I don't care how long it takes, or what we have to do— but we are ending this the right way. Deaton says there's no way to get Allison back to normal? But when has there ever not been a way? It's called a loophole. And we have found just about every single loophole there has ever been, even when we thought we were going to lose."
"Stiles you don't understand—" Aspen said lowly, "I've— I've never had this feeling before."
"What feeling?"
"The feeling that we were seriously and utterly going to lose." Aspen spoke. "Every other time, I have managed to keep a glimmer of hope alive, no matter how pessimistic I got— I always had that slither of faith that we'd find a way and we'd all survive.
I don't have that slither of faith this time."
"Okay, let me ask you something then." Stiles said a lot more seriously—"You promised me you'd think about this— about the future, about us, about adoption— you said you'd really think about it once this was all over. But if you seriously don't think you're gonna make it once this is 'all over', then tell me, was that just a lie?"
"No," Aspen shook her head, "No it wasn't a lie. If we both make it out of this— then I will. I will think about it."
"No one's dying." Stiles said compellingly, like he was trying to believe it himself, "I promise— especially not you."
"Yeah? And what's our track record with promises like, huh?" Aspen shot back— she knew it was harsh, but there wasn't time for sugar coating in times like these.
Stiles couldn't help but feel stung by those words—but she had a good point. They tried to promise so many things over the years, ever since they were teenagers—but the number of promises broken outweighed the ones they'd kept.
"I promised you I'd love you forever." Stiles said softly, "Not once in all these years have I ever broken that."
"And so did I— but those aren't the only promises we ever made to each other." Aspen said with a soft but serious tone. "Every promise matters—every time we broke one, it mattered—every time we break one from now on—it's gonna matter. I learnt my lesson to stop making promises if I couldn't guarantee I could keep them."
Stiles' voice lowered to almost a whisper as he looked into her eyes and said— "I'd die before I let you get hurt."
Aspen then scoffed— "Is that supposed to be comforting to me?!" she practically snapped, "Because it's not— that's my worst fucking nightmare! Being alive because you killed yourself for me!"
"Oh yeah?" Stiles returned the same tone, "Well my worst nightmare is being stood at your grave, speaking at your funeral, all because you decided to play martyr because you couldn't have hope!"
"Hope's for suckers..." Aspen muttered under her breath, tearing her eyes away from his. She hated that this had escalated to an argument so quickly— but she couldn't help it. Everyone around her were so deluded with misplaced hope, she felt like she was the only one who could see the situation for what it really was.
"Your brother used to say the same thing." Stiles shot back, "And even he says he was wrong!"
"Well maybe he was right." Aspen replied, shaking her head, "Because Allison's sired to Theo. A name that I hadn't spoke or heard of in ten years—but never once forgot about. I made a lot of enemies—but he was by far the worst. River, Raven, Johnathon, my literal Demon-Wolf of a father, Jennifer Blake, Brunksi—Brunski's devil spawn, Avery Drake—hell, even Peter back in the day. Not a single one of them came close to what Theo was able to do to me. And then I killed him, I ripped his heart out with my bare hands, buried him out in the woods, washed the blood from my hands, and I slept like a damn baby every night since. But even from beyond the grave— he does not stop haunting me."
Stiles was quiet for a long moment, her ramblings lingering as the air in the car felt thicker. He pursed his lips, his heart clutching in his chest.
"But it's not Theo, Asp." he said softly, "It's Allison. You and her— you were like Scott and me. That kind of bond can't all be washed away by some manipulation. That serum that Theo gave her— it's in her blood, not her soul."
"But it's not just her blood." Aspen replied, "It's corrupted her mind too. Any memory she has of me? It's altered, deformed to make me look evil, like the enemy. And if you seriously wanna bring up Scott— then fine, let's bring up Scott, let's play that game."
"What're you talking about?"
"Put yourself in my shoes, Stiles!" Aspen said frantically, "You said it yourself, Allison and me—we were like you and Scott. So if this was Scott—if Scott was the one that died back in our Junior Year, if he died taking a blade through the stomach that was intended for you, and you spent the rest of your life feeling guilty over it, wishing and praying in some God that you don't even believe in to give him his life back—and then twelve years later, you find out he's been alive the whole time, and he wants you dead. And then you find out that the only way to get him back to the Scott we all know and love—was to just let him kill you. What would you do, Stiles?"
Stiles hesitated to answer as he just looked into her eyes as she started to shrug and shake her head while he couldn't voice his answer.
They both knew his answer without him saying it.
"You'd let him do it, and you wouldn't think twice about it." Aspen said softly,
"Because deep down you would know that you lived a good life. Sure, it wasn't the best, it could've been better, but you'd know that you had your chance. You had your chance at a normal life, but he didn't. You would have had your turn— and you wouldn't even think twice before letting him have his..."
Stiles shook his head, "You've got this all wrong. You let Allison kill you— and this freaky mind bond between her and Theo is broken the second your heart stops beating—she doesn't suddenly go back to having a normal life afterwards like you so think.
She's gonna be just like you were twelve years ago— consumed with guilt. She's not just gonna snap out of it and live a happy care-free life. Because she will know and have to live with the fact that you died for her. And you know more than any of us how that will feel like for her..."
"But she'll get a second chance at life..." Aspen whispered between them, "A life that doesn't include being some supernatural revenge-seeker for one of my old enemies— a life she only lost in the first place because of me..."
"Okay," Stiles replied, "Sure— she'll get that second shot at life if you let her kill you. But it'll be a life consumed with crushing guilt. She won't just be crushed with the guilt of having your blood on her hands— okay? What about Ethan, and the other thirty-nine people she's killed in the last ten years?"
"What're you trying to say?"
"I'm saying she wouldn't want you to let her do this—if that's the life waiting for her on the other side..."
Aspen's brows frowned, "You think we should kill her? Let her die? Again?"
Stiles felt guilty as he said it, but the words came out so fast without an ounce of hesitation— "Better her than you. I just got you back..."
The reality of the situation was truly starting to set in now: that Allison and Aspen couldn't both make it out of this alive. Whether there would be any other casualties from either side of this conflict, at least one of them would also have to perish in order to end this war, if not both.
"The person she's become over the last decade isn't really her..." Aspen shook her head, "Her mind is corrupted, and if everything Deaton said is right— she's hearing Theo's voice in her ear all the time— and we all know he's pure evil. And Deaton was also right when he said Allison probably tried to fight the mind control in the beginning, but it's been eleven years— no one can fight it for that long. The real her is probably trapped underneath all of that, screaming for a way out—praying that one of us will hear her. And I know what that's like, I've been there— and so have you."
"Yeah, and when all that guilt came flooding back to you that day in the animal clinic twelve years ago—do you remember what you said to me?"
Aspen fell quiet. She knew the answer, but Stiles was going to say it anyway.
"You said that you wished I never stopped you that night at Glen Capri." Stiles' voice dropped to a solemn murmur quiet enough to almost be a whisper. "You wished that I had let you kill yourself—because that's how crushing the guilt was for you. You said you wished that I had stood by and let you commit suicide—because the guilt of killing all those people was so strong.
And Okami only made you kill five people in New Orleans— Allison has killed forty people. You seriously think that's not gonna crush her once the sire bond is broken?"
"That's not the point." his brunette replied. "The point is that she's spent the last decade trapped in a prison inside her own mind. I was locked in mine for three months—she's been locked in hers for ten years. And Allison was the only reason I was able to break free from mine, or else I'd be dead right now. So the way I see it, I owe her. She died for me, so that I could live for her. Maybe it's finally my turn to repay the favour."
Stiles shook his head, almost speechless and in disbelief at the way she was talking.
"Don't you dare say shit like that." he said as he shook his head, clenching his jaw at the thought. "You are not playing martyr this time, Aspen, I mean it. I know you can't help yourself—but not this time. Do not play hero."
Aspen broke out into scoffs of laughter that were nearly hysterical, "That's exactly what Allison said."
"Then listen to her!" Stiles snapped, "Listen to us both! Aspen— it's mind control. We've fought and won against way worse— we'll find a way!"
"You and everyone else can keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep at night." Aspen said lowly, "But me? I am not holding my breath anymore. I learnt to stop holding my breath for miracles— a very long time ago..."
Stiles held back a tear from falling as his throat grew tight— "I'm not letting you commit suicide, Aspen. I didn't let you twelve years ago, and I'm not letting you now."
"It's not suicide, it's sacrifice—"
"No!" Stiles snapped at her, "It is suicide, Aspen! Do you even hear yourself right now? You sound like you don't even want to fight, you sound like you actually want to kill yourself!"
"Is that seriously what you think?" Aspen's brows furrowed as she shifted in her seat, meeting his eyes.
Stiles didn't reply.
"You think that I want all of this to end up with me as a pile of ashes with you giving my eulogy? Stiles— I just got you back!"
Stiles still couldn't reply, as he watched the tears well up in her eyes while she continued.
"It's nearly Christmas." Aspen's voice cracked as she spoke, "What I— what I really want is to be sitting on a cosy couch, with your arms around me, surrounded by our friends and family under a Christmas tree, eating Turkey and stupid roast carrots— without a care in the world! I want nothing more than to walk into that adoption centre with you and find a kid in need of a home, and— and to be that home for them. I— I never thought I could be, but that doesn't mean I never wanted to be a mother. I just believed it wasn't in the cards for me, but now, with you back in my life, I realise that maybe it could've been. I want you to get the chance to be a father, because I know you'd be the best dad in the whole world, and any kid would be lucky to have you.
I want you—and me—and a family— and... and a stupid white picket fence. I want to grow old with you, I want to live in a house by a lake. Remember that cabin we stayed in when we went to Maine? It was like seven years ago now, I— I wanna live somewhere like that, surrounded by nature and beauty. I want to wake up in your arms every morning and help our kid get ready for school. I wanna be the best damn mother to that kid, because that's something I never got growing up. I want to prove to myself and to you and to the world that I can be a good mom. And I— I don't want to be scared that I would just screw our child up. Because while I've tried to put on this little miss perfect facade the past few years—I know that deep down I'm so fucked up, Stiles. I'm so fucked up... And you know what it was that fucked me up so bad?
That damn white picket fence."
For about thirty seconds—which felt like it could've been hours—neither one of them could say anything. Aspen's chest was rising up and down frantically as she caught her breath after the rant she just let out. She swallowed a lump in her throat, blinking back some brimming tears that threatened to fall.
She never liked to think about it for too long, but every time she was reminded about her childhood being a carefully orchestrated lie reliant on blackmail and parents who saw her as nothing but a burden— she was distraught.
She'd never want to put another child through that— but she worried that maybe it was an endless cycle doomed to be repeated.
Stiles' eyes glimpsed to the adoption agency out the window, pursing his lips as he glanced between the building and his brunette. His heart felt heavy after hearing all of that—hearing about the life she wanted for them, but didn't believe they could have.
The house on the lake, the two of them raising a kid together—he wanted it all too.
"I just..." Stiles spoke up, "I just brought you here to... to show you what we could have. I wanted to give you something to fight for— I wanted to give you hope again, since you've clearly lost it."
"I can't lose something I never had."
Again, the silence from before returned. They both just sat there in the car, not knowing what else to say—they didn't want to argue, they hated that an argument is what this turned into. With everything going on right now, there was a constant reminder of how life was short. They didn't want to spend precious time at each other's throats.
Aspen was desperate to change the conversation.
"I can't believe we went five years without seeing each other..." she spoke up in a wistful tone of disbelief at all the lost time.
Stiles looked at her, silently appreciative of the switch on conversation. Her words made a small smile creep onto his lips, making her a little confused—the fact they went half a decade without seeing each other wasn't exactly a smile-worthy subject for her.
"You didn't see me for five years. But I saw you, one time." Stiles admitted.
Aspen's brows pinched together with curiosity, "Really? You did? When?"
"It was a couple years back." Stiles started to tell the story, "I was walking downtown alone, it was a Saturday night. I walked past this bar, some karaoke was going on inside. I wouldn't have thought a thing of it, and I was about to walk right past it until I heard a familiar voice from inside.
I hadn't heard your voice in so long I thought maybe I was just imagining it, so I went inside. I sort of just stood by the door the whole time, watching from afar. Then I saw you. You were standing on top of these tables that were pushed together to make some kind of stage. I remember the first thing I noticed about you was your hair— you had cut it shorter since we last saw each other on Halloween a couple years before. You'd gone a lot blonder too, you had these like—honey caramel streaks in it. It looked nice. You were uh— you were singing this Fallout Boy song."
A smile crept onto Aspen's lips as she listened to him recall the night— how he'd remembered so much about her, meanwhile she hadn't even known he was there. "Dance, dance. I remember."
"You looked like you were having the time of your life." Stiles smiled weakly, "You were smiling ear to ear, flipping your hair all over the place like Hannah Montana. You were wearing this um—this yellow flowery dress, and your leather jacket—the same one you had since high school."
"I still have it." Aspen smiled softly, feeling a sense of wistfulness at the fact that Stiles was there that night but he didn't go up to her or say hello. If he had, maybe they would've made their way back to each other a lot sooner, and not reunited by a trial for murder.
She remembered most of that night—she'd had a lot to drink to get the confidence to go up on the stage for karaoke—and seeing how hard it was for her to get drunk, it required a lot of alcohol, so some of the night was blurry. But what she did remember was that that night was before Jordan proposed to her at Christmas.
"Once you, um—" Stiles continued, "Once you finally stopped singing and stepped down from the table, you'd brought the entire house down. Everyone was cheering for you, and I hadn't seen you grin that wide in a very long time. I watched you walk back to your booth and I—I thought about walking over there just to... I don't know, say hi? Maybe catch up? But then I.... well I saw him. You slid into the booth next to Jordan, and I saw him put his arm around you and kiss your cheek. You were there with this whole new group of friends, but I recognised Jo. The two of you were sipping on margaritas, laughing about— well, I don't know what. I saw you look at him— and I saw you smile. It was then that I knew... going over there wouldn't have done either of us any good. You'd clearly moved on, and I hadn't. I didn't want you to pity me, I didn't wanna spoil your night. So I left, went back to my apartment, and I listened to that damn Fallout Boy song all night..."
"It's not exactly a ballad," Aspen chuckled at the idea of Stiles solemnly listening to Dance, dance by Fallout Boy longingly as if it was some sad pining love song.
"Didn't matter," he shrugged, "I had heard your voice for the first time in over two years—I couldn't let it go."
Aspen stared into his eyes, letting a tear fall that had been welling up for a long time. She wiped it away, smiling at him. She never knew he was there that night.
She wished she had known. It might've gotten them back a lot of lost time.
"I hadn't really moved on, you know." She said softly.
Stiles looked at her, pursing his lips as a question plagued his mind— a question that had plagued his mind for many years now.
"Did you love him?" he finally asked.
Aspen smiled softly, "Yes, I loved Jordan. I loved him a lot— but I was never in love with him. I tried to be, but I just couldn't."
Stiles didn't reply to that, he just nodded his head slowly and smiled weakly at the words.
Aspen then looked out the window and stared at the adoption agency building, letting out a sigh. "Okay, let's do this." she finally agreed.
Stiles blinked, slightly surprised, "Wait, really?"
Aspen smiled, opening the car door and stepping out onto the pavement. She slammed it shut, then looked into the window where Stiles was still frozen in slight disbelief in the driver's seat. She chuckled, knocking her fist on the window— "You comin' or what?"
______________________________
There were a lot of kids in the adoption agency that needed a home. Aspen felt filled with a mix of sadness and sympathy as she walked through the building, hand-in-hand with Stiles. They'd told the woman who ran the place that they were only thinking about adoption right now and that it wasn't a sure thing just yet.
Aspen's eyes laid on some toddlers who were playing in a corner with some colour toys and dolls. She smiled as she saw them giggling with one another. She felt Stiles squeeze her hand beside her.
And then, while she couldn't explain it, Aspen felt drawn to a particular baby who was sitting all alone. It was a baby girl, she had grown a little bit of hair on her head which was dark brown, and her skin was a light, olive shade. She was dressed in a light blue onesie with bows on it—which made Aspen smile. The baby girl was looking around the room like she was confused—confused why she was alone, wondering if anyone was here for her.
Before she knew it, Aspen was walking over to the little girl, Stiles right beside her.
The woman in charge of the agency walked over to them with a friendly smile. Aspen had crouched down near the little girl with a soft smile, trying her best to not be intimidating to the baby.
Aspen didn't expect the instantaneous warm feeling that blossomed inside her when the little girl looked up at her and started grinning and attempting to clap her small tiny hands together with excitement.
"Hi..." Aspen said softly with a smile so wide it almost hurt her cheeks, "Hi there...."
Stiles watched as Aspen interacted with the little girl, his own heart feeling warm and full at the sight. And in that moment, he forgot about everything else, about their fight in the car, about Allison, about all of it. He just saw the love of his life— and for the first time, he actually saw a glimpse into the future they both now wanted.
"Does she have a name?" Aspen asked the woman.
"We leave it up to six months, and if a child hasn't been adopted by that point, and the biological parents don't provide a name— then we give them one." the woman said kindly, "This little one is coming up to five months now..."
Aspen turned back to the little girl, and she couldn't wrap her head around how much she seemed to smile in her presence when she was just this adult stranger.
But Aspen had felt drawn to the girl for some reason too. She thought she saw some of herself in her in a strange way.
"So um," Stiles said to the woman, "What's her story?"
"The biological mother had some altercations while giving birth, sadly she died of placenta praevia. The father was a runaway."
Aspen's heart clutched as she looked up at the woman, her eyes widened at those words. Her eyes also met Stiles', who understood why the woman's words had struck a chord for Aspen.
That's why she felt like she saw a bit of herself in this baby girl, why she felt drawn to her.
They had the same story of how they came into this world.
Stiles then crouched down next to Aspen to play with the little girl who's smile hadn't faded in the slightest since the couple had walked over.
"I haven't seen her smile that big—ever." the woman told them, "I know you guys just said you're considering adoption, but that little girl would be lucky as heck to have you both. I can tell just by watching you guys for a minute that you'd be good the whole parent thing."
Aspen looked up at the woman, slightly surprised. "Really? You think I'd make a good mom?"
"Like I said," the woman shrugged, "I've never seen her smile that much."
Aspen looked back down at the baby girl, who despite not having grown in many teeth just yet, was grinning widely.
"Can I, uh— am I allowed to hold her?" Aspen asked the woman, who nodded in response.
"You guys need anything or have any more questions, I'll be at the desk." said the woman before walking away and leaving Aspen and Stiles with the baby.
Aspen carefully picked up the girl, cradling her in her arms as she smiled down at her, having not felt her heart be this full in a long time. Stiles' own heart swelled at the sight of Aspen with her.
"Did you know Ace and Derek were thinking of tying the knot and adopting a kid too?" Aspen said to Stiles. The baby girl reached her tiny little arms up to play with Aspen's necklace.
"Really?" Stiles hadn't heard the news, "That's awesome..."
"You think Ace would make a good dad?" Aspen asked him.
Stiles nodded, "Yeah, I do. I guess he wasn't always the best guy, but... I think it's obvious how much Derek's changed him. For the better. They both deserve it."
Aspen looked back down at the baby in her arms, grinning ear to ear. She hadn't expected to feel this full-hearted when she walked through these doors.
"Yeah, they sure do." Aspen agreed, smiling down at the baby.
//