035 | NOT AFRAID ANYMORE
( not afraid anymore — halsey )
" i am not ashamed anymore
i want something so impure
you better impress now,
watching my dress now
fall to the floor
crawling underneath my skin,
sweet talk with a hint of sin,
begging you to take me
devil underneath your grin,
sweet thing but she play to win,
heaven gonna hate me "
MANHATTAN, NEW YORK
_____________________________
AFTER ASPEN'S BULLET WOUND HAD FULLY HEALED, Josephine dropped her and Stiles off at Aspen's hotel. Aspen had to limp a bit through the foyer, leaning on Stiles' broad frame as he helped her into the elevator.
The two of them stepped into the elevator, suddenly feeling the air grow tighter with tension as the steel doors slid shut, leaving them both alone in a very small, crammed space— the only sound filling their air being their breaths.
Aspen's eyes glanced to the side to look Stiles up and down, as he just remained staring ahead, shifting his shoulders a little awkwardly. His messy dishevelled hair was fallen in front of his face, a little sweaty due to the night's events. His jawline seemed sharper than ever as it was clenched with tension.
Aspen tore her eyes away from him as she just prayed for the elevator doors to ding open at her floor, but this seemed to be the longest elevator ride she'd ever been in.
When she looked away, Stiles found his won eyes trailing towards her.
Despite having been shot in the leg that night, Aspen looked as beautiful and majestic as ever, even with Stiles' tux jacket draped over her shoulders like a blanket. She had a bit of dried blood on her face from where her bullet wound had bled out all over her hands, and her hands had then smeared on her face. But even despite all that, Stiles was completely and utterly mesmerised by her.
Everything in the past few months had happened so fast that neither of them had really had a chance to process what it was like being in each other's orbits again.
They'd gone years—six years—without being in each other's lives. But even after all that time, they'd circled their way back to each other, and it just felt... right. Even though everything else in their lives was horribly wrong.
Stiles tore his eyes away as he noticed Aspen wasn't looking back at him— little did he know she had just stolen a glance moments before he had.
The elevator finally opened with the dinging sound, as Aspen let out a breath she was unaware she had even been holding that entire time.
Her and Stiles stepped out of the elevator and walked down the hall in a tension-filled and awkward silence, as Aspen rummaged through her navy blue purse for the room keycard.
She took it out and unlocked her hotel room, pushing the door open and nodding Stiles inside before closing it behind her. It made sense for Stiles to carry on staying at her place seeing as the motel he was staying at was in a whole other borough of the city, and they figured it was safer to stick together and not be alone.
Aspen took off Stiles' jacket, letting it drift off her shoulders as she pulled her arms out from it. She then passed it to him with a soft smile, "Thanks for this."
Stiles took it and just shrugged, "It's no problem."
Aspen made a pursed lip smile as she gave him a brief, awkward nod of her head. They'd both felt the tension since Jo dropped them off outside the building— they could barely string sentences together, too distracted by the resisting of temptation.
Aspen pried the high heels off her feet and threw them to the side of the room, and then headed into the bathroom, "I'm gonna try and get this blood off my hands," she announced to Stiles— only realising her words after they'd left her lips, making her scoff as she remembered the message Allison had written on her bathroom mirror almost two months ago.
YOU THINK A TAP CAN WASH OFF ALL THAT BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS? is what the message had said. It had been scarred into Aspen's mind like a tattoo beneath the skin. Aspen had spent a long time trying to make sense of it—she knew she wasn't innocent, she knew she had blood on her hands.
What she didn't know was whose blood was on her hands that could possibly have brought Allison Argent back from the dead with the sole purpose of murdering her old best friend.
Aspen walked past Stiles who seemed unaware of what to say in response to her words followed by her scoff. Aspen walked into the bathroom, leaving the door to the bedroom open as she turned on the tap and ran her hands under the water. At least this time it's my own blood, she thought to herself as she rubbed harshly to wash the dried stains away.
Once she finally got it all off, Aspen turned off the tap and let out a huge breath as she rested her palms on the sink counter, and looked up into the reflection of herself in the mirror.
She stared at her reflection like it was a painting up for inspection. Her hair that was curled to perfection in a fancy up-do hours before hand was now a mess as strands fell in front of her face.
Aspen let out a sigh as she looked down at her thigh through the slit of her satin gown, seeing the wound was fully healed— which was a good sign. She healed from that a lot faster than she'd healed from Allison's arrows. But there was dried blood smeared all the way down her leg from the top of her thigh to her ankle which needed cleaning up.
Aspen grabbed a flannel from the towel rack and ran it under the tap to dampen it. She then jumped up on the counter to sit on the marble surface as she began to clean up the blood.
The door to the bathroom then creaked fully open as Stiles walked in a little sheepishly. Aspen looked up and their eyes met, as he noticed what she was doing. He had taken off his tie and undone a few buttons of his white shirt, the sleeves rolled up at the cuff.
"You need some help with that?" he asked.
Aspen nodded with a sheepish, pursed-lip smile. She handed him the damp flannel as he walked over to the bathroom counter, standing between her legs as she was sat on the marble top.
Aspen tried to disguise the shaky sigh she let out, but didn't do a good job of it. She felt her chest tighten up at his close proximity, feeling his leg graze her bare one. She was slightly embarrassed at how dramatically her body and her pulse would respond to his closeness.
He'd always had that effect on her, ever since she was fourteen and he'd just hold her hand in the most platonic way.
Stiles gently rubbed the damp flannel down the shin of her leg, starting at the bottom with all the dry blood from her bullet wound. He flitted his gaze up to meet hers with a soft look.
"Does it still hurt?" he asked.
Aspen shrugged, "Not really, it sometimes aches a lot after it heals, but it feels okay."
"That's good," Stiles replied softly, "I'm sorry this happened— I know tonight was meant to be a big night for you."
Aspen chuckled a bit— her angelic laughter a harmony to Stiles' ears.
"Hardly," she replied, "I wasn't gonna take the partner position anyway."
Stiles looked back up at her again, "How come?"
"I told you," she shrugged, "I don't really enjoy being a lawyer. I'm good at it— but that doesn't mean I enjoy it."
Stiles went back to cleaning up the blood, his hands slowly inching further up her leg with the damp flannel. Luckily for Aspen, he didn't notice the hairs of her skin prick with chills at the contact.
Aspen just stared at him longingly as his head was dipped down, focusing on cleaning the healed wound. She pursed her lips tightly as she contemplated asking him a question, her head tilting to the side in thought.
"Did you enjoy being a CIA agent?" she decided to ask the question.
Stiles looked up, a little surprised by the question. And in that moment, they both thought back to the argument they got in that basically triggered their breakup. The night Stiles told her about his CIA job offer and she was against it. She never told him why she was so against him taking it— but it had just been because she was worried about his safety. She knew what was in the job description for CIA agents— and it was a lot more life-threatening than what he was doing at the FBI, which was just a desk-job most of the time.
But since he joined CIA after their breakup—and they decided against trying to stay friends afterwards as it would've hurt too much—she never knew whether he regretted that choice or if he enjoyed the job.
"Um, yeah— I enjoyed it most of the time." Stiles replied honestly, "Don't get me wrong— it was a hell of a jump from what I was doing at the Bureau, but it felt like they respected me more, gave me more freedom to make executive decisions and give my input on things. And y'know— taking down terrorists was a great feeling. Kinda like how you must feel when you save an innocent person from jail, right? Or put a guilty person away?"
Aspen shrugged again, "Kinda, I guess. I'm glad though, that you enjoyed it." she then hesitated before adding— "Did you ever... get hurt? On your missions?"
Stiles met her glance again, their argument from six years ago running through his head as he started to understand why she had been so against his proposition. His smile softened as he returned to rubbing the flannel over the blood on her leg.
"No, I never got seriously hurt." he replied, "I mean, I got a bit bruised up every now and then, but I was never shot or anything like that. Well, except when Avery shot me in the leg— but that technically wasn't the job's fault."
Aspen forced a light chuckle, even though the idea of him being shot, even if it was just in the leg— made her stomach churn.
"What's your dream job?" Aspen asked curiously with a smile, tilting her head again as she leant her palms on the marble countertop, staring into his eyes as he looked up again. "You know, like— in some alternate reality where our lives are normal, and you could do absolutely anything in the world— what would it be?
Stiles smiled at the question, the tightness in his chest deflating as his nerves eased up, feeling more comfortable the more they talked.
"I'd go back to the FBI if I could," he replied with a brief sigh, "But if we're talking dream job— I'd like to be a profiler, not some rookie at a desk without a voice."
Aspen grinned at his answer, "Totally Spencer Reid vibes, right?"
Stiles laughed softly at her humorous response, no matter how much he made fun of her for it—he always loved how she'd bring up some fictional character reference, especially the Criminal Minds ones. The two of them had binge watched all the seasons back when they were in high school, and she always told him if he was a character in the show he'd be Spencer.
He also remembered something she'd said a long time ago, when they were both back in Beacon Hills after graduating, dealing with the hunters.
"Un-sub's not very fancy, babe." Stiles chuckled, "It's just an abbreviation of unknown suspects."
"Still!" Aspen smacked his chest lightly, "You sound all Spencer Reid-like, it's kinda hot."
"I thought Derek Morgan was your favourite?" Stiles replied, the two of them spending many of their teenage years binge-watching Criminal Minds together.
"Oh he is," Aspen replied, "but you and I both know you're more of a Reid, so long as you never end up in an orange jumpsuit."
Stiles laughed off her joke, kissing her forehead again making her smile into his chest.
Safe to say that joke didn't age well.
"Yeah, totally. I'd be a genius with an eidetic memory if I could." Stiles replied. "What about you?"
"I'd go back to writing." she smiled, "In a dream world— my book would've been accepted by a publisher and I'd be a New-York best seller. Too bad my manuscript wasn't good enough..."
Stiles' smile dropped and was replaced with a solemn, apologetic look. He had replayed that fight they had six years ago a million times over the years— and he hated how insensitive he had been about her career setback. He was stressed, they both were— and they'd both been unfair and said unfair things to each other.
"What was your book about?" he asked curiously, "You never let me read it, remember? You said I could read it once a publisher picked it up..."
Aspen's smile weakened too. She let out a sigh, meeting his soft glance. "Us. It was about us—not just you and me, but y'know, all of us. I labelled it as 'supernatural fiction'. I gave us all pseudonyms cause I thought that was cool." she chuckled with amusement at the last part.
"Well those publishers back in Quantico were out of their minds." he smiled, "I bet it kicked ass."
Aspen didn't reply, just smiled gratefully for his comment as he broke his glance away from hers and went back to cleaning the blood on her leg.
Aspen's breath began to hitch as the tightness in her chest returned— when Stiles slowly got closer up her leg to her thigh where most of the blood was. The hairs on her skin chilled again as his fingers grazed her skin. The tension in the air around them returned as their conversation fell flat and the bathroom was filled with silence, the only sounds being their breaths which they both tried to keep controlled and calm.
Stiles rubbed the now-red-stained flannel over where her bullet wound had been, and then glanced up and asked— "Does that hurt at all?"
Aspen shook her head with a nervous smile, "No, it's fine."
A few more moments went by in excruciatingly tension-filled silence as Stiles finished up cleaning the blood on her leg. Once he was done, he put the flannel back on the marble countertop of the sink, and neither one of them made an effort to move.
Aspen remained sat on the counter, Stiles stood between her legs with barely inches between them. The heavy thumping of Aspen's pulse sent her back to last night at the gym, how she had fought the urge to give in to the tension so much, as strong and thick as it was.
But she didn't fight it tonight.
Aspen watched as Stiles' Adam's apple bobbed down his throat, as they made eye contact again, both of them equally aware of the tension between them as Stiles made no effort to put any more distance between them, remaining stood where he was.
Aspen glanced down at his lips— lips that hadn't brushed hers in five years.
She wondered if kissing them would still feel the same as it did after all this time, if they were just as soft, if they would still meld and collide with hers perfectly. She'd missed the way it felt to be kissed by Stiles Stilinski.
Stiles searched for that look in her eyes— the look he'd seen in them last night that told him she wasn't one hundred percent certain she wanted to kiss him. He knew her looks, he could read her emotions like a book, he always had been able to. That look was the only thing that stopped him from giving into the temptation last night—
But he didn't see that look in her eyes now.
But he still wanted to be sure. So Stiles brought the palm of his hand up to her face, cupping her soft cheek with it as neither one of them dared to look away. He brushed his thumb over her bottom lip, desperate to know what it would be like to kiss her again. She made no move to turn away, barely even blinking as their eyes stared into each other's longingly.
Since they broke each other's hearts and left each other's lives six years ago— Aspen had been afraid of what it would mean for them to kiss each other again. She had been afraid because she didn't want her heart to ache forever— and she knew that it would ache forever if she kept clinging to her great love that ended.
Six years ago— she thought she had the capacity to move on. She thought she had it in her heart to eventually say goodbye to what they had and hopefully find that feeling with someone else. She thought if she never let go, her heart would ache forever. And she was afraid of her heart aching forever.
But the truth was she never did let go.
And she wasn't afraid anymore.
Stiles gave her a silent look—because Aspen could also read his face like a book too, knowing what he was saying with his eyes.
"I'm seriously fighting the urge to kiss you right now..." Stiles murmured onto her lips.
"Why?" Aspen whispered in response.
"Why do I want to kiss you?"
"No— why are you still fighting it?"
Stiles then didn't waste any more time before intertwining his fingers through her hair and smashing his lips onto hers passionately without an ounce of hesitance or uncertainty. Their lips melded together with same passion and perfection that they always had, no matter how many years had passed between them.
Heartache was the last thing she was feeling when his lips collided with hers. When their lips connected, so did their hearts— and instead of aching, her heart had never felt so full.
It was like half of her heart had been missing for the last six years— and in that moment, she finally got it back.
Aspen's legs wrapped around Stiles' waist, eliminating any inch of space that had been between their bodies. Her skin felt ablaze with heat as his lips continued to collide with hers with a lustful passion— passion that had been building up for so many years of pining and longing and regret.
Stiles made a low groan-like moan as the space between them was eliminated by Aspen's legs wrapping around his waist. With one hand intertwined in her hair, his other hand snaked around the waist, over the top of the soft satin material of her dress. Aspen's heart raced at the action, feeling a blazing heat arise in her core.
Aspen ran her fingers through his long, grown-out hair, making another moan leave Stiles' lips that were still lustfully colliding with hers. They'd both dreamed and fantasised about this moment, wondering if it would ever happen again after that Halloween party five years ago. They'd both thought that would be the last time— they thought that was their goodbye forever.
But by some twist of fait— the world had brought them back together again. Jo had been right earlier— Aspen always did believe in fait. She liked to believe everything happened for a reason— it made the tough times easier. She didn't believe in God, she wasn't a religious person at all— but she liked to think there was some sort of power higher than them that made them go through everything that they went through and that it wasn't for nothing.
Without parting their lips, Aspen began unbuttoning Stiles' shirt, the lust growing as she inched down his torso to the last button, and then ripped the shirt clean off his body.
Stiles used his hand that was snaked around her back to unzip her dress with ease, letting the straps fall down her arms, exposing her navy blue lingerie underneath it.
They finally had to come up for air and part their lips, opening their eyes and looking into each other's souls. Aspen saw his hazel-eyes had darkened as his pupils had dilated with lust. Her glance trailed down his sharp jaw and the stubbly beard that peppered it. When she was younger, she always wondered if Stiles would suit facial hair since he never grew it out. And now she had her answer— he did.
Stiles cupped her face in his hands, "You have no idea how much I've missed you, Aspen..."
"I think I might have some idea..." Aspen replied in a soft murmur.
They then eliminated the space between them with another kiss, this one just as passionate as the last. Their skin felt electric as they were consumed with lust, the tension between them finally being relieved as they just fully gave into it.
Stiles hiked up her dress as she remained sat on the counter as he stood between her legs around his waist. His hands inched towards her blue lace thong which made her let out a moan that was muffled by his lips.
His fingers slipped beneath her underwear, and he didn't have to go any further before Aspen's head rolled back, breaking the kiss as she moaned sensually at the contact. Her dress was now a mess around her waist as Stiles's fingers slipped fully underneath her thong and cupped her core which had already grown wet with arousal.
"Are you sure?" Stiles asked softly as his lips kissed down her neck, his fingers lingering around her arousal.
"Mmhmm," Aspen moaned, sick of trying to fight it. She didn't know what hooking up now would mean for them tomorrow and every day after that— but right now she simply didn't care.
Aspen's moan increased in volume when Stiles thrusted a finger into her, making her hips buck as her head rolled back once again in pleasure. Stiles thrusted his finger inside of her at a rough pace, kissing her shoulder blade as he maintained the pace.
"Oh my God..." Aspen moaned, her forehead resting on his shoulder.
Stiles then added a second finger to his thrusting pace, feeling his crotch grow hard in his pants as he listened to her moan in his ear. Aspen's hand trailed down his naked torso— her fingers grazing down his abs that were. a lot more defined now than she ever remembered them being before.
She got to the buckle of his belt and began undoing it chaotically as Stiles kept pumping his fingers inside of her, her moans in his ear continuing. She unbuckled his belt and his trousers fell to his ankles. Aspen palmed over his boxers, feeling his hardness underneath them which only added to her arousal as he thrusted his fingers inside of her.
Aspen pulled down his boxers, palming his hard length which made a low, gruntish moan escape his lips.
"I want you," Aspen moaned breathlessly, "I want this— I want this now."
"That makes two of us..." Stiles murmured into her neck as he continued to leave rough kisses on the sensitive skin.
And then, taking her by surprise, Stiles picked her up off the marble counter with ease, as she let out a surprised but excited yelp at the action. Her dress fell completely to the floor as he picked her up, holding her up with his hands on her ass, her legs wrapping around his waist again— feeling his erection against her core.
Stiles then took her back into the bedroom, practically throwing her down on the bed, her back hitting the sheets as he climbed on top of her. Aspen wrapped her hand around his neck and pulled him towards her, crashing her lips onto his again as her whole body felt electric and ablaze with lust and passion.
Stiles broke the kiss to tug her thong down her legs roughly, throwing them aside to the floor.
He lined himself up to her entrance, glancing in her eyes one last time, neither one of them having to vocalise any more 'are you sure?'s.
Stiles pounded his erection into her core, making a pornographic moan escape Aspen's lips, as they were in the privacy of a hotel room and she didn't make any effort to muffle them.
The sound of her moaning made Stiles release one of his own, before crashing their lips together again as he thrusted inside of her passionately. The sexual tension had been building up for so long that they didn't need any more foreplay.
"Fuck, Stiles!" Aspen moaned loudly, her jaw falling open as she was overcome with pleasure and sexual ecstasy.
Her and Jordan had had a good sex life— but there was a certain spark that Stiles ignited in her that had always been missing with Jordan.
Stiles' hand snaked behind her back, unbuckling her bra as she arched her back in response, letting him rip it off her body and throw it aside along with her underwear. Stiles palmed her breast in his hand as he kept his rough pace inside of her, running his finger along her hardened nipple, both of their moaning increasing at the action.
Aspen then flipped them over so she was on top of him, feeling his cock pound her clit at the new angle, as she muffled profanities under her moans of pleasure.
They collided their lips together again, feeling a heightened level of pleasure neither one of them had experienced in years.
Stiles' hands trailed around her naked waist, sending chills down her skin as her hips bucked and grinded on top of him.
Aspen's legs grew shaky as her body grew with fatigue, overwhelmed with the sensational ecstasy running through her veins. Stiles then took it upon himself to flip them over so her back was to the sheets again, as he continued to thrust into her, her legs wrapping around his waist from beneath him.
Stiles then brushed a stray hair away from her face, looking into her eyes with longing as she returned the same glance.
Stiles intertwined their fingers, stretching their arms out on the pillow beside them. Instinctively without even really thinking about it, he squeezed her hand three times as they were locked together.
He saw the look on her face shift at the action— but it wasn't like it was five years ago, when Stiles blurted it out during their messy hookup in the bathroom stall. Back then it was purely closure sex, run-of-the-mill ex sex.
Stiles blurting out that he was still madly in love with her had made it awkward, and despite her obvious mutual feelings, she didn't say it back.
It wasn't like that this time— she didn't look horrified at the action, or like she wished he hadn't done it. Instead, her face softened with adoration and acceptance— she'd accepted they were always going to feel this way about each other, and no amount of time or attempts to move on would change it.
"I love you," Stiles couldn't stop the words from coming out, "I've been in love with you all this time, I've never stopped..."
Aspen let out a breathy pant as his bucking pace inside of her slowed down to a much less rough pace. She stared up into his eyes, and brought her hands up to his face to brush away some of his longer strands of hair that had fallen in front of his face.
"I love you too..." she said back, not thinking about what this would mean when they wake up tomorrow, not contemplating what this would mean for their future, if they had a future still.
All she could think about was that she loved Stiles Stilinski— no matter how many times she'd tried to stop loving him, she always had.
She fell in love when she was just a kid. The crush started when she was in the sixth grade— and by the time they were freshmen in high school— she knew it was love.
Sometimes Aspen tried to tell herself she was too young to know what love was.
After all, she was fourteen.
But when she started to feel that fluttery feeling in her stomach any time his hand would accidentally brush hers— or when she'd feel an inexplicable ache in her chest any time his attention was on the strawberry blonde it-girl of Beacon Hills High instead of his brunette best friend— or whenever she'd see he was in pain and it felt like his pain was her pain— she knew she was in love.
She fell in love with Stiles fourteen years ago.
He was her first love.
Her epic love.
Her only love.
"I've tried to stop loving you," she confessed, staring into his eyes from beneath him, "I've tried to put you in my past— but I can't. It's you, Stiles. It's always been you, and it always will be."
It wasn't lost on either of them that she'd recited the same words he had said to her the night they got back together after their first breakup in Junior Year. But those words were the most honest thing that either of them could ever speak.
Aspen was always the one for Stiles.
And Stiles was always the one for Aspen.
"I'm so in love with you, Stiles, that it scared the hell out of me." Aspen said softly, as his thrusting inside of her came to a complete stop as they stared into each others eyes adoringly. "It scared me what I would do for you— because there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for you..."
Stiles pressed his lips to hers at the sound of her loving words— part of him thinking he'd wake up and find this was all just a dream. It wouldn't be the first time he'd dreamed a scene like this only to wake up and it not be real.
But this was real.
When they parted their lips, Aspen's grew into a soft smile that made Stiles' heart swell. It was his favourite sight to see.
"I used to be scared..." Aspen reiterated her words, but as she stared up into his eyes, feeling her heart grow full as ever, she added—
"But I'm not afraid anymore."
While everything she was saying was the raw truth, neither of them still knew what all this meant.
The reason they broke up wasn't because they fell out of love with each other. It was the opposite— they loved each other too much. Too much to risk making any room for resentment further down the line when one of them would ultimately have to make a life changing sacrifice. Stiles wanted to be a father, and Aspen didn't want to be a mother.
But they didn't discuss that right now. That was a heavy subject that neither of them even wanted to think about. All they wanted right now was to live in this moment. Allow themselves to be unapologetically in love, unafraid of what pain and heartache might come with that.
"I fell for you, Aspen," Stiles whispered, Aspen feeling his breath on her soft lips, "And not once in all these years have I ever gotten back up. And I don't want to."
They then squeezed their intertwined hands together as Stiles moved in and out of her a few more times— their emotional confessional outburst having brought both of them close to their high. Aspen moaned into his lips as they collided in another love-filled, all consuming kiss, until they both suddenly hit their climax at once in unison with one another.
They both panted heavily out of breath, as Stiles fell onto the mattress next to Aspen, both of them just taking a moment to catch their breaths as they pulled the hotel bedsheet over their naked bodies.
A few moments passed, as Aspen rested her head on the pillow, looking up at the ceiling. And then....
"Stiles?"
He turned his head to look at her, awaiting her next words.
"We didn't use a condom..."
///
i'm literally a virgin how do i write this stuff
anywho...
i actually wrote this chapter a couple days ago and completely scrapped it and did it again because there was literally 35 chapters/5 years of tension building up to this moment and wanted it to be the best i could 😫
in the original draft of this chapter the smut sort of started in a different way, it was gonna be a cliche 'stiles the zipper on my dress is stuck can you help me' but then i decided it was TOO cliche so i took a different route, and in the first draft there wasn't the conversation before hand so it sort of happened without any talking which didn't feel right
and idk why i cringe so much at myself writing smut when i have absolutely no problem reading it 😭 i don't write it very often so i hope it was good enough
i also didn't wanna make it like too kinky or anything because like... that just didn't feel right, so instead i went with a more emotional route which i think worked for the chapter
anyway we're approaching the last stretch now, 15 chapters until the heartbreak weather series is over EXCUSE ME WHILE I CRY
that being said — if you missed the announcement, i am going to write the ace and derek spin-off book 'exile' once this book is finished! purely because i know i'm gonna get immediate withdraws from the series and i just love ace so much