I felt sick to my stomach with the lie I had to tell Lexi to get her off my path. I didn't sleep with another woman. The night I didn't come home I was on a construction sight torturing and murdering a man. I can't tell her that, nor can I tell her what I found out because of it. The walls are closing in on me, and I have no fucking idea what to do with the information I now possess.
Seeing Lexi's face when she accused me of fucking someone else and I told her I did...I hated that face. And when I came out and realized she wasn't even in the house anymore it soured my gut. I've spent hours waiting, thinking about what to say or do so she doesn't hate me, or go and fuck someone else just to spite me.
I think I'd lose my shit if she did that. And I'm already losing my shit enough.
The weight of this lie will crush me if I don't get a hold of myself. But first, I need to mend things with Lexi. I don't like how that conversation ended. I called her several times, but she didn't pick up. I saw her bag in the bedroom, so she can't have more than just her phone with her. So where the hell is she?
I finally just texted her. *Me: You don't have to talk to me just lemme know you're safe and alive somewhere* That was the important thing. But I thought she might not answer even that. She's stubborn and I know it.
When my phone pinged with a message I should've been embarrassed by how quickly I scooped my phone up.
*Lexi: I'm fine.* was all she said. Disappointment joined my sour gut. Fuck. I hate this. *Me: Lex, come home. Let's talk* I offered. I just wanted her here. She didn't respond though, and fuck if that didn't sting.
I waited up for her, but I must have dozed off at some point because suddenly I was waking up to the sound of movement in the bedroom.
I popped up, remembering who I'd been waiting for and why. I caught Lexi with her arms full of pillows and blankets. She doesn't want to sleep beside me. Fuck. I jumped to my feet and went to her. That only made her rush off to the sofa.
"Lexi, I won't do it again if you have a problem with it. I just needa know" I had to continue the lie. Just until I figure some things out. Until I decide what to do with the information I have.
"Oh fuck off, Rizzo" she called me by my last name, which I know is an attempt to distance herself. She's done it before. Back when she was off limits to me. When we had to sneak around and felt guilty about it. How have I found myself in a similar position again?
I took Lexi's shoulders in my hands, but she yanked herself away. I held my hands up in surrender. "I just wanted to talk to you," I explained. Lexi dropped the blankets and crossed her arms in front of her. She glared at me, which made me fumble a second.
"Just tell me how you feel, Lexi, and I'll act accordingly" I gave her all the power. She has it, whether she knows it or not. "How I feel?" She asked in a tone I couldn't decipher just yet.
"I Feel like this thing between us has run its course. I Feel like you should stop bullshitting as the good guy and just live the way you wanna live, and I Feel like we should Feel other people. That's how I'm feeling" she spat in the harshest tone I've heard from her yet.
Feel other people? No. That's not what I want. Fuck. I shouldn't have gone with this lie. It's dug me into a hole with Lexi.
"It didn't mean anything to me, but You mean something to me, so tell me what you want and we'll do it" I talked, but what am I even saying? What am I insinuating she wants?
Lexi flipped her pale blonde hair over to one side and tapped her plush pink lips with the tip of her finger, like she was in thought. All sarcastically of course. "I wanna stop pretending" she said suddenly. Flat in her tone. For whatever reason it made my chest stutter.
"What do you mean?" I had to ask like an idiot.
I watched as Lexi pulled the ring off her finger and placed it down on the coffee table. It fucking hurt to see it. I wasn't expecting the sting of it. It made me rub my chest there in front of her. My wedding band is on. Fake or not, we made a promise to each other.
"I mean just what I said. I don't wanna play pretend. We could either be friends or we could be lovers, but we didn't get to make that choice because we were forced into an arranged marriage. Now both those options hold their own weight. We can't be both, Anthony. We can't do both things" she started talking.
"Why not?" I wasn't sure I agreed with her. We've been hesitant to label this, but maybe we should've. "Because I can't be your wife and your girl" she laid it out in front of me. I didn't know what to say.
My heart was beating faster the longer I let Lexi talk. It felt like the girl was breaking up with me and we aren't even fucking dating.
I hate this feeling. This is Exactly what I wanted to avoid. A girl telling me to fuck off without actually telling me to fuck off. Then again, I doubt Lexi would hold back from telling me to fuck right off....I needa say something. I needa fix this. I know she's mad because she thinks I'm screwing around with other girls, but that's not even what I'm hiding from her. I'm an idiot.
"So be my wife" my mouth spoke without letting my head catch up.
Lexi's head moved back on her elegant neck in surprise at my words. "What the hell does that even mean?" She had to ask. Fuck if I know. But I need a better answer than that. I'm not good with words, but this goes beyond the Rizzo smoothness. That can't save me now.
Man up, Rizzo.
"What I mean is that I like you. A lot. And it freaks me out to be living with you, and doing all the things a matured couple should be doing all so soon, but it freaks me out more thinking about you ending this...whatever this may be" I managed to get out coherently, even though my insides were screaming. I'm scattered inside.
"And a girl's pussy was your solution to that worry?" She didn't miss a beat. I closed my eyes and took a breath. "No," I told her. When I opened my eyes her blue gaze could've killed me.
"I won't defend myself. It was stupid of me to do what I did, but I can't change it. I can only promise that I won't do anything else if you don't want me to" I added.
I've never met a girl more intimidating than Lexi Rizzo. She holds this air about her that makes you wanna be on her radar in some way because you know that most people aren't. She's smart and she'll never lose a verbal battle against you. Her mind is too quick to falter. So when she stands here across from me with this anger behind her eyes, and a scowl on her face, I wanna buckle to her. That's never happened before.
"Fine. I'll get a freebie to even the score, and then we can start fresh" she told me, and she didn't even sound sarcastic. She sounded like she was sticking it to me. Which she was.
"No!" My mouth blurted out before I could even think of her words. Freebie to be with another man? Never. I can't grant her that.
"No?" She asked. I shook my head no. "Call me a hypocrite or sexist pig, but I can't be okay with letting you do that. I can't, Lex."
"You are a hypocrite. And you're also a caveman, being territorial on a basic molecular level. You can fuck other girls, but I can't fuck other guys? You think by promising not to do it again that the scoreboard gets wiped clean? No. That's not how that works. You know why?" She asked me.
My heart was beating so fucking fast. She didn't wait for me to ask why before finishing her answer.
"Because then there is a power imbalance. I have to live with the uncomfortability of knowing you slept around, but you get the comfort in knowing I won't do the same. I have to be jealous, while you get to be possessive. Resentment builds and builds in the background until one minor disturbance blows the whole damn thing up."
"Lexi, you don't even have to sleep with someone else. I'm already jealous that you even want to" I admitted. "Oh you're jealous?" She sounded like she was mocking me. "Yeah. I am. I don't wanna fucking think of you with anyone else. You gave your virginity to me. I'm your first and I'm your-" I didn't get to finish.
"You're my first and you're my last?" again she sounded mocking. I was so anxious. I clenched my fists and tried to breathe through it.
"Please, Lexi. I know it isn't fair to ask, but please don't do it, Lex." She has me at her mercy now. Talk about a power struggle. She's got me by the fucking balls.
I wanted to step forward and bring her against me, but I knew I couldn't. She'd probably swing at me. There was just this gap between us full of restless energy and tension. I hated it. I hate it. I gotta tell her I didn't fuck somebody else before she leaves this apartment and fucks another guy. But what do I say?
"This conversation is over," Lexi decided. My heart skipped a beat and I just reacted. Taking her arm and trying to bring her to me. "Don't" I asked one last time. When she tried pulling away I felt desperate. And in my moment of desperation I blurted out, "I didn't fuck anyone else!"
I felt her stop pulling against me and she stilled in my hold. "Excuse me?" she thought I was trying to pull out a bullshit lie.
"I know this sounds ridiculous, but I didn't sleep out because I was with another woman. I didn't come home because of something work related that I really didn't wanna tell you about. I'm not proud of it, Lex, and I thought lying would be easier than telling you about it. But that backfired. You got hurt and it was stupid. I'm sorry" I swiped my hand down my face, feeling suddenly exhausted.
"What did you do?" She looked me up and down with an expression I couldn't read. My jaw clenched with tension. Goddamnit. I can't tell her. I just shook my head and looked away from her. "If it was bad enough to lie and tell me you were balls deep in someone else then what the hell is it?" She didn't let me off the hook.
"Can you please just leave it alone? You used to understand the importance of not asking too many personal questions" I reminded her. She folded her arms in front of her and hummed.
"And how do I know this isn't some bullshit lie, so I don't go out tonight and ride a different dick?" She didn't put it lightly. My jaw jumped with tension.
"Lexi, look at me. I didn't fuck anyone else. Do I look like I'm lying?" I asked her, looking deep into her eyes for the first time since that awful night. Lexi took her time looking at my demeanor, and behind my eyes. She could see the truth though. I knew she did because she didn't knock me in the face when she was close enough to do so.
"I still feel weird about this...and you lied. I don't like that" she took a step back. I took a step forward. "I hated lying to you. I buckled under the pressure of it, clearly" I waved over myself. Who am I? A little pansy bitch, is what I am.
"Lexi?" I had to call her name when she didn't respond, but didn't move. She snapped out of her thoughts and licked her lips. My eyes drew right to them. Damnit. God. I want her lips on me. I took another step forward and ran my hand up and down Lexi's arm in a comforting way. Or at least I was trying to be.
"I'm sorry. I really am" I drove the point home. Lexi chewed her inner cheek and nodded okay, but it still didn't feel very okay. "Can I kiss you?" I asked her. I haven't all week and it was kinda driving me nuts. Lexi's scowl returned. "I'm still processing" she held a hand up.
"I'm a dumbass...and a caveman" I helped her along. She pressed her lips together so she wouldn't show amusement. "I'm aware" she held on strong.
"If you want the God honest truth, I never want you to know the mobster in me, or the things I'm forced to do to survive that lifestyle. It's not who I am as a person, and...I'm ashamed of it. Especially in front of someone like you. I wanna impress you, not gain your disapproval. I see how you look at your dad and brother's for some of the things they've done.." I trailed off.
Lexi tipped her head at me and let my words sink in for a second. "You don't have to try so hard to impress me, Anthony. You impressed me the first day I ever met you" she admitted.
For once my gut wasn't soured. A sort of relief filled me. But then guilt burned that away. I'm still lying to her, just in a different way. I'm withholding an important truth, which Lexi would say is just as bad.
"I did?" I was pathetic and asked her. I just wanted to hear it again. "Sharp suit, bruised knuckles...you kept up with my banter, and showed me you know how to read. So yeah, you intrigued me in a way nobody has in a long time, if ever."