There was a knock at my front door, but I wasn't expecting any company so I found it odd. I also found myself hoping it was one person in particular. But she wouldn't come here. That's far too dangerous and she's currently ignoring me.
Instead when I looked through the peephole I saw my mother of all people. I haven't seen her in over a month. She comes and goes as she pleases.
"Ma?" was my greeting because I was thrown off guard. My mother was a good looking woman in her day. It's not that she's ugly now, but she's got some wear and tear from years of experimenting with drugs, drinking too much, and getting herself into all kinds of trouble.
Her hair's dark as midnight. She keeps it shorter now. And the woman loves her hoop earrings. She didn't look so bad today. No smudged makeup, unexplained bruises, or wacko outfits.
"Hey baby" she grinned, throwing her arms up in a big show of stepping in to hug me. I noticed a small bag bumping me when she grabbed me. When she pulled away she looked down at it, pulling it from the crook of her elbow.
"For you" she said, holding it out for me to take. A gift? Wow, she must be having a really good day.
"Can I smoke in here?" She asked me, already patting herself over for her pack. "No, Ma. You aren't stinking up my apartment" I stopped her right there. She huffed but let it go, waving for me to open the bag. When I pulled it out I just stared at it. Literally had no sensical reaction to it. A rubber ducky with a fireman's hat on...
"Ma, you know I'm 27 going on 28 years old, right?" I couldn't for the life of me think why she'd come all the way over here to give me this. She clutched my arm and looked all wide eyed at the toy. "No, don't you remember?! Remember, I threw your duckie away and you were furious with me. It was just like this one. See" she held the duck even higher towards my eyeline.
I have no recollection of any ducks, fireman hat or otherwise. My mother did go on 'cleaning sprees' sometimes and throw half the shit in our house away. That was always a rollercoaster ride. My trying to run back to the trash to grab back the things I knew she absolutely should not be throwing out. So I guess the duck thing is probable.
"Thanks ma," I nodded at the duck and put him down on my counter.
"You're welcome my handsome boy" she walked past me now and started tinkering with things around the house. I don't like tinkering. I like things clean and my stuff left alone. "Wow, so spotless here...you definitely didn't get that from me" she said, peering into the dark of my bedroom and moving on.
"Where have you been staying?" I asked her. My childhood home, the one my father got arrested in, is no longer ours. Mom was never there and I moved out as soon as I was 18, so we sold it off after a while.
She does still have a place I bought for her to live, one less mansion-like and more manageable, but I know she doesn't always live there. Which begs the question of where else she's living.
She waved her hand, "Here and there." I hummed.
"And your husband?" I asked her. Last year she invited me to her 'wedding' one night in the middle of the night. My mother is still legally married to my father, so she can't legally be married to anyone else. Didn't stop her from marrying some guy in vegas. So she's got double husbands, which was obviously a clerical error or they would've never let it pass.
"I divorced him," she told me.
"How can you divorce him if you weren't even legally married to him? Did you ever tell him that?" I bothered asking. She plopped down on my sofa and patted the cushion for me to come beside her. "I did. He was very angry about it. So I divorced him. Took half his shit and left" she shrugged.
"That's stealing mom" I shook my head at her.
"We're not gonna have cops busting in here looking for you, are we?" I wanted to be sure that wasn't really what her surprise visit was about. Suddenly she got all emotional. "I'm some big joke to you, aren't I? God, I know you talk bad about me to your aunt. She thinks SHE is the one who raised you more than I did. The cunt" she spat.
"MA," I wasn't gonna have her talking bad about my Zio John and my Zia when they've been good to me. She's always been jealous, but she could've been a parent at any point in my lifetime. She chose not to.
"I'm always the bad guy. Always here to stir up trouble. Have you talked to your father lately? At least I didn't go getting myself thrown in the pen for the rest of your life, huh, did I?" She asked me. Why she's angry right now, I have no idea. She does this. I never understood it. "Oh I'm just so tired" she started to almost cry from anger or emotions i don't know.
I sighed and took her shoulders to start laying her down on the couch.
"Why don't you take a short nap? Huh? You're just tired, is all" I looked for the throw blanket and walked back to cover her up. She sniffled. "Yeah, I think I just need a little nap. Thank you, baby." When she shut her eyes I just looked down at her.
I've never understood her. I don't think she even understands herself. That's why her life is harder for her than it is for everyday people. It's exhausting for her.
I just shut the main light and went into my bedroom so I wouldn't disturb her. Once the door was shut I felt the silence settle in around me. Reminded me of that day when the cops busted in my front door and took both my parents away.
I'm not a lonely person, but I've always been alone. Most of my life growing up in that big ol' house with both my parents always gone for different reasons. Then again I moved out freshly at 18 to my own little spot, so I could be independent from that chaotic place.
I've lived alone for about ten years now.
My aunt and uncle always offered for me to live with them. That's why I have a bedroom there, but it never stuck. I didn't know how to live with people for long periods of time. I kept going back to the habit of doing things for myself. Cooking for myself, keeping up my room's cleanliness when the rest of the house was at another's mercy, and not having to report my in and outs from day to day.
I've never been in a relationship where I wanted the girl to share a living space with. I've had many temporary relations. So yeah, I'm not lonely but I've been alone most of my life.
-
I haven't felt right with how I left things with Lexi the other day. We were always meant to be a casual and temporary thing. She and I knew it both. That usually means that you can see other people. Before her and Enzo, Lexi was on the same page as me with that. Now she seems to feel differently about it.
I want to ask her what's on her mind. What she thinks about it now. I have asked, but she's completely shut down with me. She'll answer the text, she won't be petty and ignore me, but she'll say things like, "I overreacted the other day. You can screw whoever you want. We don't owe each other anything."
But I don't buy it. I don't think that's how she genuinely feels about it anymore.
It's not like I can walk up to her front door and knock, so I can see her face to face and confront this thing. So I'm limited to the phone, and she's not very timely with her responses. It's kinda driving me crazy actually, and that's exactly what I Didn't want when looking for a woman to pursue.
And yet, I'm full of shit when I tell myself it's better this way. That distance is exactly what we need, and that I don't wanna confuse things any more than it already is. I tell myself 'last time was the last time I'll have sex with her'. Or the last time I'll hang out with her outside the group. And I lie to myself each and every time.
When my mother showed up out of the blue with her usual antics I found myself wanting to talk to Lexi about it. Which is weird for me because I don't usually talk to people about my stuff. The baggage stuff. Not Enzo, not anyone. Not about the shit with my mom.
But I also find myself wanting to know the story behind Lexi's mom. I heard things here and there, but I want her to open up to me. Since when? When did this massive shift happen? Casual. Uncomplicated. Physical and temporary, Rizzo. Pull your shit together.
-
We've officially begun to clean house in Philly where all the Irish operations used to be. Not only did our major attack scare Old man O'Riley, but it revealed a major cocaine operation of theirs that was funding the rest of what they had going on in Philly.
Well, we cut off their pipeline once we rooted out its source. Now the Irish are tapped for cash and losing territory fast.
Domani De Luca and Vitaly Petrov went and sat across the table from one another to have a big fat steak, and cross their T's and dot their I's about this Philly business. I should be the one eating the expensive steak and making nice with Vitaly since I was the one who did a good majority of the work, but that's not how it ever goes with bosses.
They always wanna be the big shots at the end.
That left me in a sharp suit with nowhere to go except with those clowns who invited me to De Luca's to have a meal with a bunch of my buddies. It's always the same shit over there though. Same booth seat, same couple of guys, and same conversations, which are either business, girls, or talking shit making fun of each other for no reason other than to make laughs.
I decided to go to the Rizzo construction site instead. There was paperwork to be reviewed that was piling up since my uncle's been making less appearances here. He'd been distracted by other things. I figure I better pick up the slack and get rid of that stuff in the office trailer that is always on our sites.
Sharp suit and all, I found myself at the dusty construction site where a few guys were still inside the structure with the lamp lights on, doing some last minute welding and what not before the other guys come in to finish the walling.
I clicked the lamp of the trailer and it flickered overhead until the box type room lit up. The desk was a fucking mess. I huffed and unbuttoned my coat, removing it and draping it on the back of my seat before I sat down.
I removed my cufflinks and slid them into my inner pocket for safe keeping. Those are expensive damn links. I felt a little less stuffy when I was able to roll up my sleeves. Then I got to it. I sorted the papers out into piles of relevance and what needs signing and what's what.
I don't know how long I'd been there, but I didn't even realize that the welders had since cut their lights and went home. The site was dead. I was wearing the type of gun holster that tucks under the arm, and I almost removed it and put it to the side, but I never did. I kept it there. It's like an extended appendage. I'm so used to it.
I did loosen my collar though and rub at my eyes. I had a couple more things to review and sign off on. I shook my pen when it was coming off spotty, turning in my chair to look for another one within the messy drawer full of all kinds of shit. A junk drawer.
I grabbed the pen, but hadn't sat fully up yet when I sensed I was no longer alone. Subtly I grabbed the handle of my gun from under my left arm, and slowly started to turn around without giving away that I knew they were there.
My grip tightened when I saw who it was.