I have always been told that if one day we go through a difficult period, it will only last for a while. Every cloud has a silver lining, they said.
It's called regression toward the mean, it's the tendency for scores to average out. In other words, if you are going through difficult times, there will come a time when everything will calm down and return to normal.
Only, if they think they are helping me by telling me that, that's the worst idea they ever had. What I want is not for things to calm down, it's simply for them to stop.
Is it too much to ask?
People are there to reassure you, to help you, maybe. But, for me, they are there to remind me, to let me know that it's real. That, unfortunately or fortunately, life goes on. I'm not alone, and I have to move on. Some will only see the positive side, while I would remind them that the light will always bring shadow.
They are there for me, but so that means what I decide to do isn't just about me anymore. I have to think about them too. So yes, thanks to them we move forward, we get up. Except, I just see that as another possibility for me to send everything up and down and destroy someone else's happiness.
This ability for people to feel the emotions of others, to take hold of other people's stories until they can even feel the consequences, it's both wonderful and scary. However, it also means that the moment you let someone in, you allow yourself to hurt them as much as you hurt yourself.
I guess I'm not the best representation of myself. I'm the crack hidden behind a beautiful painting because we don't know how to fix it. At least I can think of myself as a masterpiece in my own way, even if it's just an illusion.
I mean, I would rather try to cheer myself up, or I'm good to go back to my depressed self because I just came back where everything started... Or should I say end?
Three years ago I was a huge mess. Well, let's simply say that today I'm only a little mess. I can't lie, I thought that if I leave this place to go to France for a bit, I could ease the pain and eventually overcome all my fears, maybe even start to enjoy my life again. I could somewhat heal.
If it's even the right term.
Who was I fooling? Pain can't heal when it's emotional, at least that's what I think about mine. It's not like an injury, there is no medicine, bandages, or whatever that can heal her. Because she's not real. Except, she feels real for me, and apparently she's not planning on leaving me soon or ever.
Yet, I have to learn to live with it. And for that, I have to go back to where it all happened. A place that I loved, but have learned to hate.
Welcome home...