just a warning that you might need tissues towards the end of the chapter hehe
Emilia did not phone Lando that night. She hovered her finger over the call button but then she remembered the girl in the garage. Emilia presumed Lando had brought her with him to Russia to watch the race. Daniel hadn't greeted the girl when he'd walked past her so that was the conclusion Emilia came to. Emilia didn't like that he was with something else but she couldn't do anything. She'd fucked up in the first place. Plus, Lando would probably mad if he found out what Emilia the did the night of her brother's wedding and the night they broke up – or rather who she did.
Emilia missed Lando a lot. She wanted him back in her arms, she wanted to make him smile and plant kisses all over his face. They had spent three weeks apart yet for Emilia it felt like an incalculable amount of time. She had learned that life was possible without Lando, but it was a life she didn't want to live. The problem was Emilia didn't know how Lando felt. That was biggest problem with relationships. Unless the other half explicitly shares their feelings, which even then could be a lie, you have no idea how they feel. Emilia yearned to talk to Lando now, go up to his room, have a conversation and spend the night with him. But she couldn't because that girl was probably up there with him doing things Emilia didn't want to think about.
The Williams driver knew she was being incredibly hypocritical. She also knew that she could have been overreacting and making a deal over one small interaction she could have taken the wrong way but an instinct told her she wasn't making things up.
Emilia did plan to go to the McLaren and speak to Lando after FP3. She walked past their garage in the pitlane aiming to stop but saw Lando laughing and the same woman excessively giggling and putting her hands on his arms. Emilia decided to stroll straight past. She needed to go somewhere at that end of the paddock to not make herself look stupid by randomly turning around. Mercedes and Toto seemed like a good choice. Emilia could also ask the Team Principal to see whether Alfa Romeo have any interest in her. Even if Alfa have interest, they would probably be overruled by Ferrari who want one of their drivers in the seat.
To make matters worse, Valtteri was in the garage and Emilia didn't particularly want to encounter him. Clearly Valtteri did as he stopped talking to his engineer and headed towards Emilia.
"Practicing your reserve driver duties for next year?" Valtteri chuckled. Emilia stopped and turned to face him.
"I guess I should congratulate you." Emilia replied. "I presume it was your idea to keep it a secret from me?"
"Actually it wasn't. I didn't know Jost didn't tell you." Valtteri admitted. Was that supposed to make Emilia feel better? "I guess it'll be nice going from second driver to first again. I mean you can relate to that right?" Valtteri was really pushing Emilia but she didn't see any benefit in causing a scene.
"I don't know what you're on about, Williams don't have favourites. Both drivers are treated equally and whoever is in front gets the priority of strategy. I don't have to let my teammate past whenever he comes within a second of me. But you can relate to that right?" Emilia knew that they were in entirely different situations in terms of teammates but also where they were in their career. Emilia could still get a shot at a top team later on whereas Valtteri would probably not get the chance again.
"George is nowhere compared to Lewis." Bottas responded defending himself.
"If I remember correctly, George was way faster than you in Sakhir. He ended up behind you at the end but the world knows he was much quicker especially as he didn't even know how to use the car. So I think that makes you nowhere compared to Lewis as well but I didn't need to tell you that, you can just look at the Championship." Emilia pointed out and Toto entered the garage so she went off to talk to him. Emilia was aware that if she looked at the Championship, she would see herself a mile behind George but she was a rookie. Valtteri did not have the same excuse.
Toto had found out something from Alfa Romeo and it was that they would give them an answer to whether Emilia would be considered for the seat by the end of the race weekend in Singapore. Until then, Toto said they wouldn't look at other options. Emilia was thinking about them though. Endurance racing? Le Mans would be quite exciting to partake in.
But for now, Emilia was still in Formula 1 and she had to make the most of it. She needed to prove Jost wrong. Qualifying in Russia was the next thing to take on and rain added an extra challenge. They had to find the dry patches on the track to gain speed but for Q1 it wasn't dry at all. Wets were required and though it wasn't raining, inters weren't even considered.
Emilia waited for everyone else to go out. In the rain, you wanted to be the last driver out there because you'd get the best track conditions. The blue-striped tyres removed eighty-five litres of water per second from the track when driving at 300 kph. So the more cars that removed water, the drier the track would be meaning it would be faster for the car behind. Of course, that was ideal but the big black cloud above the circuit looked like it was going to liven up qualifying by adding more rain.
Emilia joined the queue of cars waiting to start their flying lap but made sure her tyres were kept in hot condition so when she was the next car to go, she was ready. Emilia started her lap accelerating down the straight and keeping it tight round the first corner but trying to have no resistance to slow her down. The first corner wasn't even a corner really instead it was a slight bend. No massive manoeuvres of her steering wheel were necessary.
The second corner was very slower and involved Emilia braking heavily. She used the painted kerbs but avoided the orange kerbs that would, in these conditions, probably spin her car around. Emilia had to fight the car going round the long left-hander to make sure she got the best line.
Turn four was tight so Emilia had to break a substantial amount but had to keep going as fast as possible. Emilia also had to make the car stay on the track as much as possible. As she rounded the corner, she felt the wind on the side of her car try to take control of her rear but Emilia corrected her steering quickly and carried on. It was not nice weather.
Most of sector two was composed of ninety degree corners that slowed cars down. Emilia accelerated between them but could never get higher than sixth gear before having to come back down again. The second sector was finished off by a long straight where DRS flaps would usually open but due to the rain, it hadn't been enabled.
The final sector wasn't challenging apart from the two chicanes. The latter was uphill adding an extra challenge of controlling the car and keeping it facing the right way. Emilia managed it so and assumed everyone before her had as there was no one stranded or any signs of yellow flags.
Emilia felt her first lap was alright but there was room for improvement. It was a good first attempt. She got a good feel for the car and was comfortable but of course, the feel of the car would change as the wetness of the track changed.
Still, Emilia safely excelled into Q2 not making anyone in her team worry. In fact, her pace was a lot stronger than George's. She was adapting to the changing condition a lot faster than her teammate. Emilia took that as a big positive and it filled her with confidence going into the next round.
It was drier for Q2 and there was a debate between the blue and the green striped tyres. Everyone started on the wet tyres and their decision was reinforced when the drivers got out on track. It was too slippery for inters. However, maybe on the second run, they could try it out.
"Emilia this pace is brilliant keep it up." John praised after her first lap in the second qualifying stage. Emilia loved hearing his voice. It was calming and certainly not irritating like the other engineer she had the previous race.
"Thanks John, it's great to have you back." Emilia replied driving her car back into the pits. She'd set a really competitive time and unless McLaren had been hiding pace, she would be way ahead of them. In fact, the time she set was a couple of tenths in front of George.
There was a big debate on whether the cars would be fitted with inters or wets for the second run. Emilia left the team to make the decision. Her input was useful but their weather technology which could tell whether it would rain overruled her contribution.
"I think it's dry enough for inters if I'm one of the last cars to go and providing it doesn't rain again." Emilia answered when John asked what she thought.
"Okay copy, we're going to send you out on inters." John replied after a minute clearly conversing with others in the team. "George will be on wets just to split the strategy. He will also go out before you."
When Emilia was signalled to drive out, she almost had a slip exiting the pitlane. She had a lot less grip that she thought she would. Maybe this was the wrong decision. The strategy was fairly evenly split with some on inters and others on wets. No one had gambled on softs.
The out lap was definitely tricky and Emilia's heart rate was incredibly high a few times as she almost made contact with the wall. Her tyres needed a lot of warming up but swerving side to side caused her to nearly lose control of the car completely.
Emilia was the last one to start her flying lap. She had to send it but it was risky. Hopefully, the cars in front of her had dried up the track enough.
As Emilia reached the first braking point, she noticed the increase in grip. The car was a lot easier to drive and the spray was a lot less. Her time, providing she made no big errors, would be very good. Emilia's steering wheel showed her this after completing the first sector as it displayed that she was three tenths up on her previous lap. This was going to be a good one. She had optimum grip but any rain would spoil that. Obviously the black cloud heard her thoughts and the heavens opened.
Emilia could tell it was raining as there was more water hitting her visor but she also lost a lot of grip. She had a quick dispute in her head. Should she keep pushing and risk putting her car in the wall or back off? If she backed off she would be relying on her time she put in earlier in the session to get her through. The track had been a lot wetter when she'd set her lap. Yes, some drivers would be caught in this rain like Emilia but she was the last car to cross the line, she would be affected most. After all, she was only midway through the second sector.
"Keep pushing?" Emilia speedily questioned John. They didn't usually speak while Emilia was driving but she needed an answer. Until then, she kept pushing.
"Yes." John responded. Emilia listened to him and continued to give her everything. It wasn't easy and required even more concentration than usual.
Down the straight between turns eleven and thirteen Emilia sped trying to steer as little as possible to avoid a chance of spinning. The chicane she slowed down for but didn't take extra measures for her struggling inters. Emilia just didn't have the grip and spun her car round. That was her lap ruined. She waited for a second then frustratedly turned her car around and drove back to the pits – there was no point finishing her lap.
"Am I through?" Emilia hesitantly queried.
"Yes P8. It was tight." John responded and Emilia breathed a sigh of relief.
"George through?"
"Yes he crossed the line before the rain. He was on slower tyres but it was balanced by finishing his lap before the rain came."
"Yeah the inters would have been good if it wasn't for the rain." Emilia added. Had she been given the least preferrable strategy on purpose? Her pace had been better than George's so surely he'd need it. Or maybe the team didn't know that the rain would come and they just had a stab in the dark.
The rain pounded down between Q2 and Q3 do it would undoubtedly be back to wets. It wasn't even warm rain so Emilia was freezing when she got out the car. She grabbed a coat and chatted to John about where she was lacking pace.
It wasn't long before Emilia had to get back in her car and she was as confident as ever. Her spin hadn't knocked her ego because it was inevitable. With those tyres and the track in that condition she was surprised she had made that far without losing the car. What was also surprising was how wet the track was. It had gone from damp concrete to a literal waterslide with the flow taking her off the track within a few corners.
Emilia was prepared to start her first lap and did so hurtling her car down the straight with definitely no aid of DRS. She broke earlier than in Q2 because the track was significantly wetter so there would be less grip. Emilia picked up the throttle once she'd straightened out her steering wheel. The long third corner was difficult with Emilia trying to find the path of least resistance but also the fastest line. Often those two were the same but not in this case.
Emilia had no major problems with the rest of her lap and completed it relatively quickly. Once everyone had set a time she was P5 with room to improve. Emilia had gone wider than she would have wanted out of turn fourteen which compromised the following chicane. John reminded her of this but he knew his driver was aware of it.
On the final run in Q3, there was still no argument on tyres though it had stopped raining. Emilia positioned herself last so she would get the best track out of everyone – as long as it didn't rain again. The team assured Emilia it would be dry for the rest of the session. Watching the Ferrari in front of Emilia go round the final corner Emilia counted to three before following it.
Emilia could feel the improvement in the track but still told herself to be cautious as it was still very wet. She didn't have any aims for this lap in terms of positioning but she knew improving was a necessity to get a top spot. Emilia definitely did that as she set a purple in the first sector. The Williams driver tried not to get too excited and kept her focus.
Turns five through to nine were excellent and instilled Emilia with further confidence. In the dry, judging the braking points was routine but in the rain, there was no indication when to break other than on feeling. Emilia's feeling was bang on through all those corners. She reached turn ten and smashed that.
It was too good to be true. Emilia's engine cut out down the straight.
"Losing power." Emilia panicked.
"Okay stop the car." John instructed. Emilia parked her car in the runoff of the thirteenth corner. She climbed out and put her steering wheel back in the car so the marshals would have an easier time moving her car.
Emilia kicked the barrier behind her in frustration. She was on for a good lap yet her engine had failed her again. It had happened in Spa and again here. After Spa, the team had replaced her engine but it hadn't lasted. It wasn't Emilia's fault. The car had broken itself.
But Emilia had set a purple. Her pace throughout qualifying had been up there with Mercedes and ahead of George excluding the lap in Q2 where she was caught in the rain. Emilia could have been on pole. Yet again, it was taken out of her hands. This sport was so cruel.
The medical car picked a miserable Emilia whose mood was reflected well by the weather. She didn't need to be checked at the medical centre as she hadn't actually crashed. Emilia went back to the garage and fist bumped everyone.
"Nothing you could have done about that." John assured.
"That's my last engine." Emilia sighed. If she needed a replacement that would result in Emilia starting last. Though, she would probably be eighteenth as Max was doing the same as well as Mick. The reason she wouldn't be last was because her qualifying times were ahead of the other two who had only set one lap not wanting to damage their car. They needed to set a lap in the first place to be eligible to race through the 107% rule otherwise the stewards would have to approve them to be allowed to race.
"Yeah I know. You can do something with eighteenth though. You can climb back to the points. Look at your pace today." John reminded.
"We'll see." Emilia huffed and continued her fist bumps around the garage. It turned out Emilia's engine did need changing so she would be starting at the back.
Emilia drove back to the hotel feeling very defeated. She was an athlete. She had a trainer who trained her physically but also mentally therefore, Emilia knew there were techniques to keep her motivated and turn the negatives into the positives but they just weren't working.
She knew she should keep pushing through because eventually she would reach the top of the cliff. Emilia had kept climbing and she could see how far she had come but the top didn't look any closer. It was evident where she had slipped and almost had to restart the entire process but how many more times could she do that? She'd slipped again but found something to grab onto yet she didn't feel like climbing up again. Up or down were her only two options. Up seemed impossible and climbing back down would be the easy way out. Would Emilia be okay with herself if she took the easy way out? Had she attempted to climb this cliff too soon? Should she have practiced more before taking on this big cliff? All these questions were swimming in her head making her doubt her abilities and wonder why Williams had employed her in the first place.
When Emilia got back to her hotel, she decided a face mask would be a good thing to do. To relax but not in silence. Silence meant she could think and that's not what she wanted to do. Emilia put some loud music she could dance to on. If anyone knocked on her door, she probably wouldn't hear them which Emilia thought was a good thing.
Emilia knew she had brought some face masks and she searched her bathroom for them but was unsuccessful in finding them. Emilia opened her suitcase and couldn't find it in the main bit so she shoved her hand deep inside all the smaller pockets. Instead of face masks, Emilia stumbled across a box. She pulled it out of the suitcase and inspected it. It was the one her Grandad had given her.
The music was playing loudly and Emilia sat on the floor contemplating opening it. This wasn't the first time she'd remembered she'd brought it with her but she never wanted to open it. Emilia told herself it was never the right time. But would it ever be the right time? There was no way to prepare for something like this – whatever it was inside. It was a small box that she could hold with one hand. Shaking it, Emilia heard nothing move.
Emilia picked up the box and put it down on her bed while she turned the music off. Maybe now was a good time to open it. Emilia was upset after today's qualifying events so it wouldn't ruin her happy mood. That was never Fred's intention anyway. He never meant to hurt or offend anyone and it made him deeply sad when he did.
Emilia took a deep breath and unwrapped the bow around the box. She slowly took the lid off as if the contents were going to jump out of her. Emilia put the lid back on. This was the most recent thing she had of her Grandad's. After this, there would be nothing from him. It was the last gift he had given her. Emilia decided she should open it because it was the last gift he had given her. He had given whatever was inside to her for a reason. Fred didn't give her a box; he'd given her something else. What that something else was, Emilia had yet to find out.
Again, Emilia opened the box and saw a small photo of the two of them. They were clearly at some sort of party from their attire and it was taken during Emilia's early karting days as she looked young. This was the one Fred had in his bedroom. He always said it was one of his favourites. They were jumping off a table onto the floor with their arms in the air. Emilia remembered getting into a lot of trouble for that. They both looked genuinely happy and Emilia would have given anything to go back to that day. Even if that day had resulted in Emilia getting banned karting for a month.
Emilia turned the photo over and on it Fred had written 'I carried this in my wallet every day' in his scrawly handwriting that had been smudged because he was left-handed. Emilia felt her eyes swim with tears. She took off her clear phone case and put the photo inside – it just fit. Emilia smiled at it happy that she had mindlessly bought a clear phone case ages ago.
That wasn't the only thing in the box. Inside, was a carefully folded piece of paper covered with writing. Emilia composed herself before reading it. She should have known something like this was in there, it was the type of thing Fred would do.
Dear Em (my favourite granddaughter),
By the time you've read this I'm already gone. I want you to know I died peacefully. I knew this was coming a long time ago but I didn't think I'd have to write this letter so soon. I'm sorry I probably won't be their there for Silverstone. I am trying my best to make it but unfortunately it's not up to me.
You are such an intelligent young lady. You worked out I was having extra hospital appointments and didn't trust the excuses I gave you. But yes, I did lie to you about them. I regret doing it. I wish I told you but you were just so happy. I was diagnosed with cancer in late November last year. Just before you won your F2 title. It was too late for them to do anything. It started in my pancreas and had spread to everywhere and eventually to my heart which caused me a heart attack. They've offered me to go to a hospice but I don't think I have that long. I'd rather die here, in the room where your Grandma died.
I was going to tell you about the cancer but you were so stressed with your F2 season that I couldn't put a burden like that on you. I planned to tell you over Christmas but then you got your F1 seat and I didn't want to ruin your chance at a sucessful succesful successful career. I know what you're like, you wouldn't have travelled so much if you knew which is why I didn't tell you because I couldn't let you deny an F1 seat to take care of me. I wanted to tell you and almost did so many times but then you'd smile and I knew that if I told you, your smile would go away. So I decided to keep it from you. You probably are angry and resent me and I understand that if you did. I shouldn't have kept it from you.
They tried surgery but it was they couldn't remove the lumps because it had been left too long. I should have noticed the signs sooner. When you get old, everything doesn't work as it should but it never occurred to me it was cancer until it was too late and they suggested I started radiotherapy. You were at pre-season testing then. I agreed to start radiotherapy to prolong my life so I could be there for your home race. That's always when you're away. Luckily, the few strands of hair I had left on my hair stayed there so you never noticed the affects effects. And the carer I had was doing a lot more than cleaning the house especially after treatment.
I was given a year to live. I haven't got that year. That's maybe what hurts most. I'm supposed to have another six months with you and I won't have that. It's not fair. Terminal cancer is horrible to live with and I wouldn't wish it on anybody but having your life expectancy cut short is the worst thing. I'm so close to Silverstone. It's in two weeks, but I don't think I'm going to make it. It's too coincidental all of this. This room being the same one your Grandma died in. The doctor having your Grandma's maiden name. I can feel her in this room. I can smell her perfume. Em, I don't think I'm leaving this room.
I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I told the doctors not to tell you. I made sure you didn't find out from anyone else other than me. Even your parents, they won't tell you. Lando knows. He's a good man, and you don't find many of them. Keep him close to you.
Your parents never understood your love for racing. They should be shouting that you're their daughter from the rooftops. They should be prouder than I am but that's their loss if they're not. They never thought you could do it. I believed in you. I think you're capable of everything. I wouldn't be surprised if you broke every record in existence. Now don't be disappointed if you don't do that. I know what you're like, you're like me. You getting into Formula 1 makes me proud. You will probably be the first women to do a lot of things and that makes me immensely proud. But putting all the racing aside, I'm proud of the person you are. Whether you stay in F1 for one season or whether you stay for ten. Whether you win ten World Championships or none. I'm proud of you. Don't ever let yourself think you've disappointed me because you haven't. You never will do. It's impossible for you to do so.
I am deeply sorry I am not able to spend more time with you. I'm sorry I can't come to Silverstone, I know you will do brilliantly. I'm sorry I won't walk you down the aisle. I'm sorry I won't be able to see your children grow up. I'm sorry I won't see you get your first podium, your first win, your first World Championship or you fifteenth World Championship. Just know I would give everything I had to spend another few days with you but I fear my time is running out. I don't have long.
I want you to know I love you. I will always love you and as you always want me to clarify: yes, you have always been, are and always will be my favourite grandchild. You'll always be my favourite person. You make life enjoyable; your laugh makes me want to push through this treatment so I can spend time with you. These last nineteen years of my life have been the best (though don't let your Grandma hear that) and I wish I was able to spend more with you. Even though I won't be here physically, I will always be with you. You make me so proud and I know that's all you ever tried to do.
I'll say hi to Anthoine and Grandma for you.
Lots of love,
Grandad Fred x
Emilia had broken down into tears after the first sentence. She struggled to see the writing through the water blocking her vision. It was just so Fred. He was always fussy about his grammar as he corrected Emilia as well. He knew when Emilia was younger she would ask if he was her favourite grandchild but he never said yes because he couldn't offend the others.
This letter was everything Emilia wanted to hear. Fred knew what was going through her head and that's because he thought the same way. Emilia was almost happy knowing she made him proud by simply being herself without all the racing achievements who defined who she was to the rest of the world. She smiled as she read the letter because it was written by her Grandad and she could imagine him saying it but she had to imagine – he was no longer here. Emilia missed Fred so much.
It also put Fred in a different light. When he was alive, Emilia had only seen him happy, laughing, enjoying life. Here, he seemed defeated and remorseful. Emilia hadn't seen him like that before and that only made it sadder. Fred had probably been like this the rest of the time when Emilia was away and that was a big proportion of time.
Emilia wasn't mad at her Grandad for not telling her she understood that, though she would have wanted to know. He had to go through the toughest thing alone and he had no family there to support him which was the entire point of having family in the first place.
Emilia was astounded Lando knew. Fred must have told him but Lando had never mentioned it. He had told her to open the box but then so had Mick and Fred never knew her and Mick were together, he only knew them to be friends. Emilia felt horrible knowing she had made up the fact she had slept with George to annoy him. Lando had not told Emilia her Grandfather had died of cancer when he had the opportunity to. Emilia felt really bad about that.
After reading that letter, Emilia felt like she was grieving all over again though she had never really stopped in the first place. Her sobs were uncontrollable due to the pain of not having Fred here. He'd told her she'd done everything she was trying to and emphasised that she was making him proud. Emilia had failed several times now to win a race but now, reading that letter, she knew her Grandad was still proud of her and that was enough for her. Anything else was a bonus.
Emilia knew that her Grandad didn't have forever but she would have cherished the time they spent together even more if she'd known Fred had that little time left. She would have taken him for more days out, helped him more in his garden. Emilia thought she should have pursued the badly answered questions about his hospital visits. She believed there must have been something she could do to help him.
Racing is cruel but cancer is even more of a bitch.
Anyone cutting onions? I certainly am. I literally cried writing it and then cried editing and now I am a mess no joke. Another thing to cry about is that there's only thirty chapters left of this story. I cannot believe that we are two thirds of the way through pretty much. I have no idea what I'm going to do once I finish this. Okay that's a lie I have loads of ideas.
Also, I absolutely do not think Valtteri would be like this in real life. It's just Emilia needs someone to dislike. And Emilia can relate to real life Lando as well by being on the wrong tyres in Sochi lol.
I hope you beautiful people enjoyed this extra update that I promised on Monday. Love every single one of you <3