Steve had gone back and stayed with Peggy, I was very happy for him. I keep pictures of Steve and my father with me at all time...it's kind of like my therapy. I did actually started therapy with someone I used to know, Christina Reynor. She was a close friend since I was a child and actually was my therapist throughout my childhood.
I got my own apartment in New York, I did some roles in some Broadway plays in New York but I mostly liked to stay home alone....Away from the world. I also make sure to check in and visit Pepper and Morgan.
For the last six months I've struggled to move on...I've struggled to cope with the loss of my father. Everywhere I went he was there...something was reminding me of him. It didn't help that I wear a lot of his shirts, I just liked knowing I had something of his with me.
My apartment was very fancy, It has two bedrooms with a large living room and large kitchen. I use the second bedroom as a small recording studio. It was a perfect apartment for me.
I mostly wait to run errands until late at night so I can avoid being seen. Tonight it was raining, I decided to take a long walk to the grocery store with my umbrella, luckily no one was around to mess with me.
I mark my list as I walk through the store, stopping as I see a magazine about the Avengers. I pick it up and flip through its pages, seeing a page about me and Sam. Then I stop on a page about dad. I put the magazine away and continue to walk to the front, trying to blink away my tears.
As I was walking back I stop as I see someone familiar in a closed restaurant. I drop my umbrella and walk over to the window to see Bucky handing a woman flowers. He sits down with his back to me as she stands on the opposite side of the counter, smiling at him.
This was the first time I've seen him in months. I've missed him terribly, my tears mix with the rain as I watch him for a few minutes. As the woman steps away, he turns and his eyes widen as he sees me.
I quickly walk away, holding my breath as I hear the door open and slam shut. "Y/N! Wait up!"
"Go back to your date, Bucky." I say, not looking at him.
"Y/N-"
I teleported before he could finish....I didn't want to talk to him. I shouldn't be upset, hell I slept with Steve. But I only did that because I knew he didn't want me. Because he broke my heart.
The next day I had therapy......great!
I teleported into the waiting room, still in my pajama's which was grey joggers, one of dads shirts, slippers and a messy bun. I sigh and sit down for ten minutes.
"Y/N...are you ready?" Christina asks. I smile and stand as she turns. "I'll see you next time James."
I freeze in my spot as Bucky stands in front of me. His jaw tightens as he slightly tilts his head. I brush past him, causing him to turn to look at me one more time before Christina shuts her office door.
"How are you today, Christina?" I lay across the couch.
She walks over behind her desk and takes out my blanket, "Great now that you are here." She smiles and hands me the blanket. I wrap it around me and lay back down as she sits.
"I'm offended you didn't tell me that your Bucky's therapist."
"You know I'm not allowed to talk about other patients." She tilts her head.
"Okay....but it's me." I chuckle.
"I was gonna ask if anything improved between you two...but I'm assuming it's a no?"
"I saw him last night.....I get my groceries late at night and on my way back home I saw him on a date...he got her flowers." I stare up at the ceiling.
"How did that make you feel?"
"Sad...really sad." I sigh. "I know I have no right to be sad or angry, I mean I slept with Steve." I chuckle, I then look over at her. "I'm not a slut or anything...I've only been with two guys."
"Y/N you know I'll never judge you. You act like sex isn't a normal thing." She chuckles.
"It's just...he said he didn't want me. He wanted me to move on. I tried with Steve...but I knew he couldn't love me the way I wanted him to and I couldn't love him the way he wanted me to. We both were in love with other people so I told him to go back for her. Knowing I'll be alone, because I didn't want to be selfish like Bucky."
"Did you tell him about you and Steve?" She asks.
"I did...he didn't really care." I pause for a moment. "He broke his promise to me...he broke my heart. And now he's with a new girl...giving her flowers. I never got anything like that from anyone." I shake my head. "I know I seem jealous..."
"Not jealous. Your just heartbroken. It's understandable."
"I stood there in the rain...just watching him. I don't even know why. He saw me...he came running out as I walked away." I sigh.
"What did you do next?"
"I teleported away." I turn over on my side to face her. "I don't want to talk to him...all he does is break promises....Anyway...let's not talk about him anymore." I chuckle.
"Why don't we talk about your father. Tell me how you are coping with his passing."
"I see him everywhere...standing across the street or when I look into a store or restaurant I see him standing behind me in the reflection. Then there are things around me that remind me of him. And it doesn't help that I wear his shirts." I shake my head.
"Why do you wear them?"
"Because it makes me feel like he's with me...I can smell his scent and it makes me happy." I smile. "I should of taken those stones and snapped instead of him. I should of been the one to die-" I stop and close my eyes. "I didn't mean to say that."
"Yes you did. This is very serious, Y/N."
"Okay I think about death sometimes...so what? I've always felt like that since I was a kid, what's the big deal?" I sit up.
"The big deal is that this concerns me."
"I'm not gonna do anything." I shake my head. "I can't leave Morgan...she still doesn't understand that our father is gone. She'll just be more confused." I pause and stand up, walking over to the window. "You wanna know what I hate?"
"Sure."
"When someone dies....everyone starts crying and saying that they miss them and they loved them....but they didn't even know them. Or they hated them. Like all these people didn't know my father....I see so many stories about how Iron Man saved them from a hurricane or something. My father wasn't even around all that. It's all a lie." I pause and look down into the street. "That's exactly what people will do to me if I die. They'll come to my funeral and pretend that they were my best friend...tell fake stories. It's bullshit." I fall back onto the couch.
"I didn't know you were so bothered by this."
"It's just all bullshit. Like yeah, I'd like to jump out that window right now...but I'm not gonna do it." I roll my eyes. "I just don't care anymore...about anything." I sigh.
"Why do you think it should of been you instead?"
"My father was a complicated...but great man. He deserves to live...raise Morgan." I nod.
"You don't think you deserve to live?"
"No...I don't. Things would be better if he was here." I sigh and stretch my arms out as I start to yawn.
"Still having nightmares?"
"Every night...it's the same thing. Seeing my father die or of Bucky breaking my heart." I nod.
"I'm gonna prescribe you something to help with the nightmares and the depression." She starts writing in her notebook.
"Depression?? I frown.
"Y/N you are severely depressed and having suicidal thoughts. I'm extremely worried, this medicine is gonna help. Your gonna take it once at night, it'll make you a little sleepy." She tears off a small piece of paper. "Hand this to the pharmacist...they should already have a bottle there."
"Thanks." I nod, standing up.
"Y/N promise me you will take those." She stands and takes the blanket form me, wrapping an arm around me.
"I promise."
"You can call me anytime. Day or night." She smiles. "I'll walk you out."
"Actually I'm just gonna teleport. Thank you Christina." I smile and step back, teleporting into the pharmacy. I walk over to the pharmacist and hand him the paper, looking around me as a few people stare at me and whisper to others.
"God she looks awful, poor thing."
"Well of course, she lost her father and best friend." A woman whispers to her friend. I roll my eyes and pay for my prescription and teleport back home.
Tonight I decided to make a nice dinner for myself, I turn on the TV and start to chop up my ingredient's to make my own Stir Fry.
"Ladies and gentlemen... Your new Captain America!"
I suddenly cut my finger, gasping as I put my cut in my mouth to stop the blood, staring at the TV as I see man in red and Blue with Steve's shield. "What...the fuck?" I frown and walk over to the living room, sitting down as I watch the interview.
"Thank you so much for coming. This has gotta be fun, though, coming back to your high school after so much has changed?"
"John Walker!" Someone in the background yells.
"Oh, it's great. We're..." He stops and and starts waving as people cheer for him.
"John, I think the first thing everyone wants to know is what is it like being Captain America? Do eagles fly overhead wherever you go?"
"Who the fuck asks that?" I mutter.
"Uh, yes." He laughs. "Yeah, that and flags tend to start majestically waving in the wind."
"And how's the tour been? I know they did a big rollout for you, right?"
"It's the greatest honor of my life. Um, but I'm just a little shocked, I think. How did a guy like me end up here?" He asks.
"Oh, wait, wait, wait. A guy like m? Somebody's being a bit too humble. For those of you who aren't familiar with his résumé, John Walker, first person in American history to receive three Medals of Honor, ran RS-One missions in counterterrorism and hostage rescue. The government did a study of your body at MIT, and you tested off the charts in every measurable category. Speed, endurance, intelligence..."
"Still looks like a piece of shit." I mutter.
"Look, here's the thing, uh, I'm not Tony Stark, I'm not Dr. Banner, okay? I don't have the flashiest gadgets, I don't have super strength. But what I do have is guts. Something Captain America always had, always needs to have, and I'm gonna need every ounce of it. Because I got big shoes to fill."
"Did you know Steve Rogers?" The interviewer asks.
"I was two years out of West Point when Steve came back on the scene. I followed his career very closely as an Avenger. I like to think that I modeled my work after his."
"Oh fuck you, you creep." I mutter again.
"You've always wanted to be a hero?"
"I liked that what I was doing would make people feel safe." He nods. Steve Rogers was the kind of guy who could do that, he gave me hope. Even though I never met him, he feels like a brother." He says.
I quickly turn the TV off and slam down the remote, standing and kicking my couch. "Feels like a brother? You have know idea what Steve was like you worthless piece of shit!" I scream. "You are not worthy enough to carry that shield. You are nothing compared to Steve!" In anger and punch my TV, breaking it. I look over at the coat closet, walking over and taking out my suit and weapons. "I'm gonna kill you, Sam. Then that piece of shit John Walker." I mutter to myself.
He's a dead man.