Enjoy :D My Spring Break is coming to an end, so the weekend updates are back on track now.
Chapter Eleven
Will
“It was when I was five, I barely remember it, but I knew it wasn't good. I had asked you if I could play outside and you said yes. I was confused and just a kid. I didn't understand what was wrong with you until it was too late. Until your actions fucked me up completely.”
20 years ago
I was playing with my ball when she opened the door and called my name. “Will, get in here! Why are you outside?” I look at her confused, “Because mommy, you said I could—“No I didn't, now get in here. I’m not going to ask you again.” I grabbed my ball and walked inside. She slammed the door behind her. “Damn kids. They never listen.” I went back to my room.
Before dinner, I went to her room. She was sleeping. “Mommy?” I called her name, going to the end of her bed. “Don’t touch me; don’t take my boy from me. Please!” She screamed. Her eyes were closes shut; she was rustling around the bed like a maniac.
“Mommy wake up!” I yelled. I was shaking her, but she continued to go crazy. “Mommy please!” She grabs my wrist hard. “Don’t touch me you bastard.” I try to pull back, but she didn't let go. I pull my hand out of her grip, crying. “Mommy.” I sob, and when I said her name for like the thousandth time she turns to me and opens her eyes. She looks at me weird for a second, and then something passes through her eyes.
“Will honey, what are you doing? What time is it?” I shrug, with tears in my eyes. “Mommy, you were screaming and yelling, it was scary.” She sits up from the bed and caresses my face. “What are you talking about baby?” She gives me a look, “Go in the kitchen and grab mommy one of those brown drinks.” She tells me. I go in the kitchen and open the big thing with the food. I see the brown drink mommy has all the time. I wonder what it was, I see all the adults on TV drink it. I bring it back to her and she takes it. “Good boy.” I left the room, because I was too scared to say anything else.
I don’t remember eating that night. I was hungry and haven’t eaten since morning time. It was dark outside. I go back to my room and hope my mommy remembers to heat up my dinner with the dinosaur chicken nuggets.
~~~
We were learning about the alphabet in my 1st grade class when my name was called to go to the office. My teacher let me go and wished me a good weekend. I go to the office with my super hero backpack that my Papa gave me and opened the door. When I go in, I see the two pretty ladies behind the very big desk. “Hey sweetheart, are you Will Harrison?” I nod, and she smiles. “Your grandmother is here to pick you up.”
I spot my grandma sitting down in a chair. “Grammy!” She stands up and holds out her arms to hug me. “Hey Willie.” She picks me up. “What are we doing? Are we going to the zoo?” That whole week, I've asked and asked my mommy to take me, and yesterday she finally said she will. “Sure buddy, whatever you want.” I get down from her arms and we walk to her car. She buckles me in the backseat.
“Grammy is mommy coming? She said she would take me.” Grammy turns around. “No Willie she’s not. Mommy has to go away for a while; you’re going to stay with me until she comes back.” I frown, “Why is mommy sick?” She nods, “Yeah, but she can be helped. You don’t worry.”
I wanted to ask more questions, but I got distracted by the music she turned on. It was one of my favorite songs. I didn't know the name of the song, but I danced along anyway. “What are you excited to see the most buddy? The elephants or the lions?” Grammy asked me. I thought about it, because I loved Lions, but the Elephants were so big. “The Lions!”
~~~
“We are!” I was at my grandma’s house for so long. I wanted to go home with mommy. Even though she yelled at me sometimes, used bad words, and forgot to feed me. I was sad and cried a lot. I missed her, and I hope when she came back she was okay. That she was nice mommy again, and not mean mommy. I didn't like mean mommy. “Yes buddy, get dressed and we can go see her.” I get dressed in my fanciest clothes and try to comb my hair. “Looking good Will.” I go out and show off in front of my Grammy and Papa. “You look spiffy buddy lets go.”
We take a long drive to the place Grammy says mommy is in. We go inside and have to go through some detector thing before seeing her. We go in a room and there was mommy, but she didn't look good. “Mommy?” She turns to me and blinks. “Will? Is that you?” I run to her bed. Mommy’s skin looked whiter than usual and her hair was messy.
“Grammy said you were sick Mommy.” Mommy looks up at Grammy. “Mommy rather talk about you buddy, what’s going on?” I fill her in on my life while she’s been gone. “You got a hundred on your test? That’s amazing buddy.” I nod, feeling happy. Mommy was Nice Mommy today. I missed Nice Mommy. I hug mommy.
“Mommy, today at school, we drew our families,” I grab the picture I drew for her. “That’s me, and that’s Grammy and Papa, and then that’s you,” I drew mommy with a smile, because that’s the mommy I like. “That’s you when you’re Nice Mommy.” She looks at me. “What do you mean Nice Mommy?” She gets up from her bed.
“You don’t think I am nice mother? I am the only mother you have. Of course I’m fucking nice. I cleaned, and fed you all the time. I let you play outside; I bought you all the toys you wanted. How dare you fucking say that you bastard? You are just like everyone else. Judging me and shit. You all are some worthless piece of shits. I rather die than be”— I scream when a man comes in and stabs my mommy with a needle. She slumps backwards. Grammy and Papa come running in. Grammy picks me up. I was crying, because Mommy turned into Mean mommy again.
~~~
I was in was the summer time when Grammy told me that my daddy was coming for me. Mommy always said Daddy didn't want her or me. My Grammy opened the door and a very tall man looked down at me. “Nicholas.” Grammy said to the man. My daddy’s name was Nicholas. “Is that Will?” Grammy nodded. Daddy started to cry. “Mara never told me she was pregnant.” Mara was my mommy. “Is she okay?” Grammy looks down at me. “Will go in the other room and make double sure you packed all your stuff.” I follow her directions. Before I went to my room I heard Grammy say, “She almost hurt him when we went to see her.”
~~~
I moved in with daddy. He said he didn't live far away from Grammy, but I didn't believe him. I haven’t seen mommy since the last time she was mean mommy. Her mean words always made me cry. Sometimes I had bad dreams about mean mommy. But daddy made them go away when he let me sleep in his bed. Daddy and I were eating lunch. He made me a sandwich. The phone rings and he answers it. He was refilling my juice and his water. He hands me the cup, but drops his. The glass breaks on the floor.
“What?” Daddy’s face goes ghost white. “S-she’s gone?” I look up at daddy. He was scaring me. He soon hangs up and cleans up the glass. “Daddy you scared me.” He looks up, “I’m sorry buddy. I-I need to tell you something.” I hope it was that we could ride his horsey in the back. “Buddy, Mommy just passed.”
I've heard that word before. I've heard Grammy say it when she was talking about her old friend. The word was never good, because she cried for that whole week. She dressed in black on the last day. I started to cry. That means I was going to have to wear black and go see mommy in a box. Grammy said they went to a better place, but she still cried. “I’m so sorry buddy.” Daddy hugged me. I was sad. No more Nice Mommy, or Mean mommy. No more Mommies at all.
~~~
11 years later
“Dad there’s this girl that I really like. Her name is Haley.” I told my dad. He and I were outside grooming the horses. “Is that right son? What do you like about her?” Haley was my first and serious girlfriend. I couldn't believe she even wanted to date me. My friends said I was too nice, and that she liked tough guys, that I needed to be tough.
Ever since my mother died when I was five, I've just never been able to trust any kind of girl. I was nice to strangers, but was guarded on the inside. I've never really let anyone in, because I didn't want to be hurt. I remember being hurt by my mother emotionally and physically every day when she’d turn into a different person. I didn't need that from anyone else.
“Dad she’s great. Her hair is so nice, and she when she curls it, it makes her look even prettier. And she has these eyes. Oh dad and the way she looks in her cheer leading outfit.” My dad laughs, “So she’s a cheerleader uh?” I nod, “Yes, and she is very good at it.”
The month after that I came home from wondering when I should call and ask Haley to the prom. My step-mom Susan and my little sister Cayla just got home.
Cayla was born when I was seven. I was glad when my dad got with someone else, because she never turned into a crazy person at different hours. She didn’t yell at me, didn't call me mean names, or throw things at me. Dad met her when he used to live in the city. She moved with us and later on had Cayla. I loved my little sister to pieces. She was delightful and adorable as a child. She was always attached to my side when she was little and I loved being a big brother.
“What are you doing?” She was eleven and just got home from school. “Nothing. How was school?” She just entered middle school and thought she was all that. “It was fine. My friend is moving away.” She came in sat on my bed. “I’m sorry about that Cay.” I rustled her hair. She frowned, and fixed it back in place. “I’m sure you guys have each other’s number right? You can keep in touch.” Cayla just got her first phone too this year. “Yeah, mom says I can spend the night over there too. If it was okay with her parents.” I nodded, “See you’ll still be friends.”
Sometimes I envied my little sister and her simple life. She was worried about her friend moving, when there was way more things out there to worry about. I wanted to protect her from ever getting hurt like I had. She had amazing parents that love and care for her. When I had to suffer all those years in therapy at her age, my bad dreams about my mother were getting worse. Her hateful words and tendency to not remember any of the shitty things she did to me, always ran through my head.
But I was better now. I had an amazing and pretty girlfriend, and I was about to ask her to prom.
~~~
Prom night finally came and I was going with Haley. I was thinking about telling her that I loved her tonight. My dad finally let me drive the car and I picked her up at her house. Her parents took our picture and we headed out. I met up with my friends, “Dude, can you believe how hot Michelle looks.” My best friend Peter said. Michelle Waggoner was the black girl Peter has been crushing over this whole school year. “Damn. She does look good.” I said agreeing with him.
I loved Haley, but I had to agree with him. Michelle did look good. Haley was my first girlfriend, but that didn’t mean I never got female attention. Everyone thought I was Mr. Nice Guy, so everyone wanted to be my friend.
“Oh she’s coming over here. How do I look?” Peter was wearing a tux like me, but with a red tie. My tie was dark blue, which matched Haley’s dress. “Great. Go get her.” I pushed Peter to Michelle’s direction.
I looked for my own date. Spotting her by her friends, I go over and hug her from behind. “Hey babe.” I whispered in her ear. She turned around, smiling at me. “Hey baby. Did you get those drinks?” I raised a brow. “Drinks? Oh yeah, sorry. I meant to, but Peter stopped me. I’m right on that.” Haley laughed. “Alright. I’ll be over here.”
I go to the table to fill some cups with the punch. “Bro do you think they spiked it?” I heard someone ask. I shrug, “I don’t know.” He filled a cup and sipped it. “Nope. Damn pansies, we got to get this party started.” Just then the guy pours a bottle of some kind of liquor in the whole tub of punch. I had already filled our drinks before he did that. I was kind of glad.
My mother wasn't just crazy. My dad told me all those years, she wasn't taking her medicine. My mother was bipolar, and when she wasn't taking her medicine when she’d ask me to get her those brown drinks. When I began to get older and understand everything, I realized that those brown drinks were alcohol. I told myself I would never drink because of that. I went back over to Haley and handed her the drink. “Thank you.” She gives me a kiss on the lips. I kiss her back. “You welcome.”
Later on we dance the night away. Haley was dancing with her friends; I spotted her in her little group. She was doing all these moves the she normally wouldn't. She and her friend were grinding on each other, her eyes never left mine. She ushers me over. I go, because I couldn't deny the feeling of my hormones racing. She pulls me to her and grinds on me the way she was her friend.
She giggles, “You are so cute Will. And so nice to me. Why are you so nice?”
She got close to my face and that’s when I smelled it. The liquor on her breath was strong. I instantly grab her shoulders. “Haley how many cups of punch have you drunken?” She looks at me, thinking. “Um…I honestly don’t know. Maybe eight? Or was it four?” She held up five fingers.
“Damnit, fucking shit.” I never really cursed like a sailor unless I was mad. I grab her hand and take her to the hall. “You stay here and I’m going to come back with a bottle of water.” I direct her. “Oh now your demanding. That’s kind of hot. Tell me again Will, kiss me.” She grabs my hand and pulls me too her. She grabs my face and kisses my lips. She pushes her hips against mine, making me moan. “Mmhh Haley stop.” I push off. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.” I leave.
When I was heading to the machine Peter stops me. “Bro! Michelle just asked me if I wanted to join here and her friends on this party bus to their hotels. You have to come with me.” Peter was always the adventurous type. He was risky, and he would do anything to impress a girl.
“I don’t think so. Haley is drunk—“Come on Will. When have you ever done something outside of your box like this? I’ve known you since we were seven. Just join me for once, and maybe Michelle has a hot friend and we can both nail—“Stop Peter. Alright I’ll join you, but with Haley. She needs somewhere to crash and I don’t think her parents would appreciate if I brought her back drunk as fuck.” Peter fist pumps the air. “Yes! Alright, we’ll leave in a little.”
Turns out that night, Michelle and her friends all happened to be drunk. Some were high as a kite, but that didn’t stop the place to turn into some kind of makeout session. Peter got what he wanted; he and Michelle were attacking each other lips like it was the last thing on earth.
Haley said she was going to go with her friend Madison. I watched her get on another party bus and made sure she was okay. We were all headed to the same destination. A hotel that one of the rich country kids parents owned. I sat back in the seat, totally sober and just wanted to lie down. One of Michelle’s friends was eyeing me. I’ve seen her before in my math class. “Will right?” I nodded and she moved over by me. “I’m India.”
~~~
Haley had cheated on me that night with some jock from the football team. I’d heard everyone at school the next morning. I was humiliated and upset. I fucking loved her and she goes and treats me like this. That day everyone kept on calling her a slut and giving me pity looks. Everyone felt sad for me and didn't really care about Haley’s feelings.
Honestly, I was trying to the better person and not let anger consume me, but it was fucking hard. I let her in and tell her about my mom and she goes and screws me over with some worthless jock.
I was glad I didn't tell her, because sometimes in a blue moon, I have those bad dreams again. That would tipped the fucking ice-berg if I told her I loved her. I was glad I never did. Cause she never deserved my love, she only used me. She faked everything like she meant it, and then her true colors came out. When I made I contact with the jerk she slept it, all my fury and hurt was just unleashed. I attacked the guy with everything I had and beat his ass. He got his fair hits in, but I stood my ground. We were pulled apart by some teachers and I was suspended.
~~~
I never saw Haley again after that. Senior year ran around and I was happy to graduate and leave high school. Peter ad Michelle finally got together that last year and they both went to the same college. I went as well, but we drifted when he went with her to her family reunion over the summer. That summer I was working in the city to earn some more money before college set off. I met a girl named Mia. She was a cute brunette. Nice and very daring.
She came into the store I was working at a lot over the break. I would ask her if she needed help and she’d just blush. Soon enough I gained the courage to confront her, not in a mean way, but asked what she was really coming in here for every day. She said it was to see me, and that she would love to go on a date. I wasn't trying to look for another person to open up to, so I reminded myself not to get so invested if you didn't see it going anywhere. I couldn't handle another Haley. She already looked like Haley a little. The brown hair, that daring attitude, and the tendency to lie.
~~~
India from my math class two years ago, and the same girl I remembered partying with on graduation was standing right there. She looked great with no braces and her hair was curled. I was unpacking my stuff after my parents and Cayla helped me settle in. I was finally done and decided to look around. I ended up outside staring at her. She was cute before, but now she was beautiful. She turned around and met my eyes. I waved, being polite. I was staring her down just a second ago. She says something and friends leave, just then she starts walking my way. “If it isn't Will Harrison.” I chuckled. I didn't know her last name. “India…” She smiled, “I don’t know your last name.” She held out her hand. “It’s Timmons. India Timmons.”
Sometimes I cursed myself for meeting women that only hurt me in the end.
~~~
Present
“So Thank you mother. For corrupting my mind and ruining my chances to ever trust or let in any kind of women in my life.”
I was standing at my mother’s tomb stone. Staring at the words, ‘Mara Harrison, loving daughter and loving mother.’ I did love my mother, that didn't stop the blame I felt for those first ten years of my life.
“Will.” I turn around and surprisingly see Carmen Logan’s mother.
“Carmen? What are you doing here?”
She smiled, “I’m just here to visit your mother.”
I looked at her crazy. “You knew my mom?”
I didn't remember anyone from my mother’s funeral.
“I did in high school. Mara and I were best friends.”
Friends? Really? I doubt my mother had friends.
“You were her friend? Why do I find that hard to believe?”
I wasn't trying to be mean, but my mother was a hard topic to talk about.
“I know your probably thinking why wasn't I there at her funeral or why didn't I ever try and help her when your father and her split her and she started to dig herself in a hole,” I said nothing, willing her to continue. “Because I had my own mess I was dealing with. I wasn't making the right choices and I made a mistake. That didn't help when I dragged someone that I so deeply love into and I had to give them up to save myself.” She seemed more like confessing to herself rather than speaking to me.
She looks up, “I went by your place before I came here. Where’s Logan?”
Hearing Logan’s name made me remember why I was here. I was telling my mother about her.
Logan bewildered me from the moment I accused her of trespassing. There was something about her and I knew it. I felt it in my gut, but I didn't know what it was. Which bothered me, it felt like an itch that you couldn't get. She seemed to have more baggage than me. Her grandmother filled me in when I went by to talk to her about staying with me just a month ago. She said Logan just needed at break, she was dealing with things back home and just needed someone to take her under her wing. She also said she was quite emotional and had a temper.
And she was right.
Logan’s tendencies to reflect her anger out the most of all was something that intrigued me. I remembered being so upset and just wanting to drown myself in my sorrows and forget the world, but that did nothing for me. And it wouldn't do anything for Logan if she didn't start fresh.
So I let her stay with me. I took her in and watched her. I watched the way she reacted, the way she did things, I knew her physically. The way she approached things like she’s never done them before, or the way she hid things and turned to alcohol like a coping mechanism. Eventually I got tired of watching her and finally gave into my protective instinct and slowly began to get attached.
India was back into my life, and she clouded my vision sometimes. We were together again. I was kind of happy, because I really cared for India. She knew me, and was the first girl to come back when they fucked up. She was the only girl who didn't give up on me even though she was the one who fucked it up.
Last time it was me, I was too invested in my work and she wanted to do all this traveling. She wanted to be model and that required to get out of this small Oklahoma town and to experience more things. But I couldn't go.
Working for the Roberts and managing a company on the side was hard. The Roberts gave me extra money. My company was doing extremely well this past year. I was working on expanding it to places like New York and Hollywood. Booming cites like that needed more corporate jobs. I was in my office at home when I wasn't working, and when I wasn't working at all, I was working on The Robert’s garden.
With Logan stepping into my life, I tried so hard not to overstep my boundaries. At the beginning I wanted to reach out and shake her. She just turned to alcohol so much, and at first it was not my place to tell her anything. I needed to get to know her first, before I began bossing her around. I didn't want her to end up like my mother. Who didn't help herself and turned to the next thing that is only killing her, before you actually did it to herself. Eventually I made it my goal to know her.
India soon suspected something between us. I reminded her that there wasn't anything. As I continued to remind her that there was nothing, I began to stop telling myself that there is. It was a lie, because that feeling of something about Logan was still there. For some reason I wanted to know her story. I wanted to know why she was the way she was. I wanted to know the real her, because no one knew the real me. They only knew that my mom wasn't the greatest and that she killed herself. They didn't know the pain and horror behind my nightmares and the reason I can’t trust women so easily.
But for some reason I wanted Logan to know.
And when I finally got something on her, that need is just increased. I wanted to sit down and share my secrets from the devil to the angel who just may save me. And that angel happens to not want that same. She brushes me off and turns to a different person when I try to touch her. And that makes me feel guilty, because my mother was always like that. Her attitude would change the moment I lay a hand on her. The moment I connect to her, she pulls away.
I didn’t need that in my life again.
Nothing like that has ever happened with any other women. They may have stepped all over me, but they never pulled away when I touched them.
Was there something wrong with me? Or was it Logan?
I had no idea and that made me pull my hair out. India’s constant negativity about her wasn't helping. When she left me that bullshit note about leaving, I knew she was running away from something. And it must have been me. So I let her go. For my sake and hers.
“She’s gone. She said she had to leave.”
“What?” She said alarmed. “Where did she go?”
I turn around and look at her, “She didn't tell you? You’re her mother, don’t you guys like confide in each other like daughters and mothers should?”
Cayla was always afraid to confide in me, because I eventually ended up telling her to talk to Susan if it was like about her period and crazy girl stuff like that.
“No she didn't tell me anything. She said she was going back home, but said later on in the week. Why did she leave so early? What did you do to her Will?”
I turned around, “What makes you think it was fucking me?” I snapped. “I care about Logan, more than I probably should, because I don’t know her. I don’t want her to end up like my mother.”
Carmen’s face relaxed. “Oh honey, she won’t be that first one to mess up. I know you care for her, but she’s been through a lot. You just have to be up and front with her. She is a feisty girl, but she will listen. To how ever you feel about her.”
“Carmen I don’t have those kinds of feelings for Logan.” She smirks, “So you think my daughter is ugly?” Logan was beautiful. I have never been attracted to a black girl since Michelle Waggoner from high school. Peter got her all those years, and they occasionally sent me pictures of their little mixed children. But it wasn't just looks I've just never met someone like her. Someone like me.
“No Logan is beautiful. She’s just… and it’s all just—“Complicated.” She finished my sentence. I nodded. “Well there is more you don’t know. Way more, and if you want to pursue anything with my daughter, you have to be able to accept her baggage and everything that comes with her.”
“Well she’s gone. It’s a little too late for any of that now.” I frowned at the grave. “It’s time for me to go. You have some alone time with my mother. I’m may go see my dad.” She nodded, “Alright. Tell Nicholas I said Hey.”
Aww what do you think?
We needed to see Will's side of everything and all the things that make him, who he is. His issues and past now have a reason that you all know.
How do you think that effects Will and Elliot's relationship?
Do you think Will and Elliot will ever open up to each other?