Song: Lost Without You by Freya Ridings.
I don't usually put songs in chapters but I heard this one as I was planning this chapter and I thought it fitted.
Emilia stared at herself in the mirror. Her dress was black, for the funeral. She'd tried several times to put on her makeup but she kept bursting into tears so it kept running. Emilia gave up trying.
Fred's funeral was today and Emilia wanted to get it over and done with. With the unexpectedness of Fred's death, she would never get the closure she needed. The box that lay unopened at the end of her bed would provide more maybe but she didn't feel strong enough to open it. Emilia wondered why he had a box for her because that would suggest he knew this day was coming but he couldn't have could he? Fred would have told her if anything was wrong.
This time next week, she'd be in the garage preparing for the first free practice. Emilia should be showing her Grandad around and introducing him to all her team. Excitement would be running high in the garage for their home Grand Prix. Emilia would be aiming for a good points finish and potentially a podium. Now, she was considering not competing because she saw no point. Tears were now flowing as she set herself off again. She sat in her bathroom at her parent's house on the floor with her back leaning against the cupboard.
It had been only four days without him and she knew people always said time healed everything but she was desperate for time to pass quickly so she could be mostly herself again. Emilia knew it would never be the same and she would always miss him. Though she had hope. Hope that one day the pain would stop but it never does. The pain of someone passing never goes away. You just learn to live with it.
Emilia's breathing quickened and she positioned her head between her knees. It probably wasn't the best position to help her breathe but she didn't care. She heard footsteps coming up the stairs and they quickened. Emilia didn't want her parents or brother to see her like this so she tried to hold her breath so they didn't hear her hyperventilating but she could only hold it for a few seconds because she was panicking. The door opened but Emilia ignored it.
"Oh shit Emi." Lando's voice immediately calmed Emilia a bit and she looked up to him. Lando quickly sat down on the floor with Emilia. "Em, breathe with me. Touch your pressure point." Her hands were resting on her head and he gently moved them so he could press in her palms which was her pressure point that helped her feel better. Eventually, she calmed down and sobbed into Lando's shoulder. He didn't know what to say to make her feel better.
"I need to straighten my hair." Emilia mentioned between cries.
"That's okay. I can do that." Lando offered stroking her hair. He led Emilia back into her bedroom and managed to turn on her straighteners. Straightening Emilia's hair was a lot harder than he anticipated. Emilia briefly explained how he needed to split it into layers and she sat there expressionless but still releasing tears. Lando did his best and it was a pretty good job but it took a long time. "I can try doing your makeup but I don't think that's going to go very well." Lando chuckled. Emilia smiled at him.
"I'll go bare faced it's fine." Emilia replied. She turned around so she could face him. "You look good in a suit. You should wear one more often." Lando laughed.
"For our next date, I'll wear a suit." Lando promised pressing a kiss to Emilia's forehead. "Today's going to be horrible but I promise I will be by your side for every second." Lando pressed another kiss to Emilia's lips.
"Every second?" Emilia questioned and Lando nodded. "I don't need you to come to the toilet with me." Emilia blankly stated.
"Okay good point but I would if you needed me to – not in a creepy way though." Lando smirked and Emilia smiled as well. "I love your smile."
"I love you." Emilia responded pressing his nose against hers. Lando didn't want to make the move to kiss her just in case she didn't want this much affection. Emilia did and placed her hand on Lando's face pulling him in the tiny distance that separated their lips so they met. She kissed him slowly wanting to go no further than a kiss.
"Emilia Louise downstairs now!" Jackie shouted from somewhere with not a particularly nice tone. Emilia tilted her head back and took a deep breath in.
"You're staying at mine next week or I'm staying at yours. I don't care, I'm not having them speak to you like that." Emilia tried to protest that it was fine but Lando won. "Your initials are elm?" Lando grinned.
"Yeah they are." Emilia responded.
"You're a tree." Lando stated.
"Obviously." Emilia rolled her eyes as she got up. She held Lando's hand as they went downstairs.
"Well there you are. Where's your makeup? It looks like you've barely put effort in." Steve tutted. Emilia ignored him but Lando wasn't having it.
"How can you say that? Your daughter has been crying so much there's no point of putting makeup on and she's tried already." Lando took a breath. The hallway was quite narrow and Lando and Steve pretty much squaring up to each other but Lando stood his ground. He was shorter than Steve but not by much. "You may be grieving differently but at least appreciate that Emilia is beyond distraught about this. You're acting like we're going out for a day trip but for Em, it's the worst of the day of her life, at least acknowledge that. I have to ask you to do the basics of parenting which you should already be doing but in situations like this you should be going above and beyond. You don't do enough for Emilia. You don't support her or give her any sort of love or attention. Emilia says none of this because she loves you, you're the only family she has left and yet you don't treat her like that. I get you have disagreements on her career but you should put that aside for circumstances like this, especially for circumstances like this." Lando finished. Steve didn't say anything and walked off into the kitchen. Emilia wouldn't look back up at him. "Emi, you good to go?" Lando asked.
"Yeah let me go tell my Mum we're leaving." Emilia answered. She went into the kitchen and came back a few minutes later. Emilia grabbed an umbrella as the sky looked grey even then British weather is unpredictable so it might be thirty degrees in an hour or pouring it down. Lando wrapped his arm around Emilia as they walked to his car. Lando started driving in silence.
"You're not meeting my eyes babe. Do you want to talk?" Lando queried.
"I don't know how to feel about you shouting at my Dad." Emilia admitted sadly. She started crying so Lando pulled a packet of tissues out his pocket. He had stuffed his pockets completely so Emilia wouldn't run out. "I mean you were right. I just don't want to admit you are."
"I know. They're your family, but I couldn't let them speak to you like that. I probably shouldn't have said anything but that, I couldn't not." Lando replied.
"I appreciate you standing up for me but I need to do it myself. One day I'll tell them." Emilia stared out the window. Lando reached over and put his hand on her thigh. Emilia rested her hand on his and gave him a smile. "I was hoping with Grandad having a heart attack, it would piece our family back together but instead I'm left alone with them."
"Fred never wanted to leave you. He tried his best to stay and gave it everything he had." Lando reassured. He knew this for a fact.
"How do you know? Maybe he got tired fighting death." Emilia sighed. She had lost all positivity with the loss of her Grandad to the point where she was doubting his desire to be there. Fred wasn't fighting just death. Death had its ally cancer do all the work for him but Emilia didn't know that.
"I just know how much he loved you and would want to be by your side at your home Grand Prix if he could." Lando assured. He couldn't tell Emilia what happened because it wasn't his place to. "Are you doing a speech today?" Lando moved the conversation so he didn't spoil the secret.
"Yeah, I'm supposed to be. I have notes but I don't think of words to justify how I feel." Emilia replied.
"That's okay. This is a lot for you and it's very quick." Lando softly responded. He was trying his best to be there for Emilia and he was hoping that what he was saying was reassuring her somehow.
"Yeah, I just wanted to get the funeral over with before race week." Emilia nodded. She didn't want to have to worry about planning a funeral while thinking about racing. This would hopefully start the process of her healing.
"That's smart. Are you coming karting on Sunday for Sky?" Lando questioned.
"It'll help me take my mind off things so yeah I will." Emilia replied. She'd have to put a smile on her face but maybe it would be a bit of fun as well. "Unless anyone else dies." Emilia snorted.
"No one else is going to die. You can only go up from here." Lando comforted.
"That's what I thought after Baku." Emilia huffed. They drove the rest of the way in silence because Lando didn't know what else to say to make her feel better. Lando held Emilia's hand as they walked into the church. She took her seat in the front row which was not the same pew as her parents. People came over to talk to her and give their condolences to her but she wasn't paying attention to them. Alex and George soon turned up.
"Hey, Em." George greeted giving Emilia a hug. "I'm so sorry." He mumbled into her shoulder. She hadn't seen George or anyone else since Sunday. She'd shut everyone apart from Lando out and even then, she'd only sent him a few texts a day. Emilia felt that she could deal with it all better alone. Now, with all these people here, Emilia was wondering whether she could cope. Alex hugged her as well and they sat down in her pew. Aurelia and Christine joined them later on.
Emilia wasn't really concentrating on what was going on. Steve made a speech and so did one of Fred's friends. The whole time, Lando had kept his arm around Emilia comforting her in whatever way possible. He gave her a little nudge when her name was called up. Emilia blinked and got up. She stood up and saw the colossal number of people in the church. Her eyes watered as she saw how many people cared about Fred.
"My Grandad meant everything to me. I wouldn't be where I am today without him. He first started me off karting when I was seven. I was the only girl there, surrounded by a lot of boys and most of the time, they didn't like me being there. They didn't like being beaten by a girl, so they said horrible things. Grandad always reassured me and helped me get up from it." Emilia took a deep breath. She kept crying in between sentences and she wasn't certain whether anyone could tell what she was saying. "Karting isn't cheap either. Grandad worked really hard getting sponsors for me and that wasn't an easy task because they didn't believe a girl could get into F1 but he believed. I would have given up a long time ago if it wasn't for him. He travelled across Europe for me taking me to karting competitions. You may wonder why my parents never took me. The answer to that is I still don't know." Emilia flashed a glance to her parents but she couldn't make this about them. "As I progressed to single seaters, he came to every single one of my races. Sadly, in my second season of Formula 2 he wasn't well enough to travel but he calls me after practice, qualifying and the race because he was supportive and understood that it was difficult to be now the only one in F1 to not have anyone to give a paddock pass to. He is the reason I got into F1." Emilia felt like she was talking about herself a bit too much but the whole point was she was sharing her experience with Fred. She was focusing on the door that she was praying would open and Fred would walk in but he hadn't yet. "Grandad put everyone before himself. He helped the community out a lot whether it was picking up rubbish, organising charity fundraisers or he even trained a few guide dogs a while ago but he had to stop that because he couldn't walk them enough. His favourite thing to do, was learn sign language. Grandad loved using it as well. The excitement he got from it was unimaginable. We were on FaceTime once and he was full of joy that he had been able to communicate with a deaf person through sign language. My Grandad has been my inspiration and always will be. But with him gone, there are things he's going to be missing out on; like walking be down the aisle, seeing my first born child and coming to see me at Silverstone. It's my first home race and I was so excited that he was going to be there and I could show him around maybe even let him sit in the car but that can't happen anymore." Emilia completely broke down and couldn't finish putting her head in her hands. She felt arms around her and Emilia met eyes with Lando as she looked up.
"You go sit down love. We've got it from here." Lando smiled and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Alex led her back to her seat and she rested her head in his shoulder as Lando and George stared cluelessly at each other having a conversation with their eyes. "Hi um everyone. We just wanted to finish of Emilia's speech for her. Emilia loved her Grandad more than anything in the world even more than racing and you know how much we love our jobs – most of the time. I only had two conversations with him I think George had a few more but he had the kindest heart I had seen. From what Emilia has said the world hasn't been kind to him like he deserved. I met him in the hospital and though he had just had a heart attack, his main concern was Emilia. He always but others before himself and not many people do that these days so he's rare and maybe he's gone but his imprint on the world, on people's lives will remain here." Lando concluded. He and George left the stand to go and sit next to Emilia who was staring at the front again. Lando put his arm around her but as soon as the funeral finished she left to go outside. Without hesitating Lando followed her.
Emilia got outside and it was raining heavily. She gasped for air and put her hands behind head to help her. Lando was quickly there and had his arms around him. George and Alex joined the hug. Emilia didn't know how she was supposed to move on from this. How she was supposed to live without him.
"Emilia Louise Miller!" The hug broke apart as Emilia's Mother called her with her full name, that meant she was in trouble. "What on earth was that in there?"
"I tried my best. I honestly did, it's just, it's just too much." Emilia sobbed. She realised she had all done it too soon. The funeral was too close to his passing and it was all too close to Silverstone. Maybe she should have planned everything for afterwards. She regretted it and her Mum shouting at her from under an umbrella not shedding a tear hurt her more. Even though she wasn't Fred's daughter she thought she should at least be a bit sad.
"We trusted you to organise this because you declared you wanted to and you can't even finish your speech." Jackie shouted. She felt George tense up behind her but she turned to give him a look that said don't and delivered the same one to Lando. George wouldn't hurt Jackie but Emilia needed to deal with this herself. She didn't need a man to fight her battles for her.
"You wouldn't have even bothered with one if I hadn't arranged it. Whatever disagreements you and Dad had with him you should put that aside to grieve."
"What do you think your Father is doing in there?" Jackie spat pointing to inside the church. People were filtering out now and seeing the argument outside.
"He's not even feeling guilty." Emilia protested.
"Guilty? Why should he be guilty?" Jackie rolled her eyes.
"Because he said nasty things to Grandad which made him feel alone and never had the chance to apologise. I feel guilty for not forcing you to make up so Grandad died thinking you despised him." Emilia shouted. Steve had now turned up and joined his wife under the umbrella. Josh was not far behind him.
"He didn't need to apologise. And he is feeling sadness. You're exactly like him Emilia so you know how he's feeling." Jackie retorted putting an arm around her husband.
"No, you don't compare me to him. Don't do that." Emilia replied shaking her head.
"You seem to be doing the same for us. Saying nasty things." Jackie responded.
"I haven't said anything nasty. I only said that you should be feeling guilty but what would I know? I don't have the medical degree you wanted me to get. I'm only the first female Formula 1 driver in over thirty years and somehow that doesn't seem to be enough for you. I was hoping after Grandad's heart attack you would come to Silverstone with him but now I see that I'll never be good enough for you. I'm done trying to impress you. I don't want to see you again, ever."
"You'll be written out the will." Steve threatened. Again, their words revolved around money. If they were Earth, then wealth would be the sun, constantly orbiting it. Not venturing out because greed keeps them the same distance away.
"I don't need the money. I'm perfectly capable of supporting myself. What I do need though is the people behind me. They love me more than you ever will and maybe I don't share blood with them but that's fine. They're my family and they'll be a far better family than you ever were." Emilia finished her sentence and stormed off. She felt guilty for arguing at Fred's funeral but she couldn't let this one go.
The wake was almost worse than the funeral. She didn't speak to her parents at all. Emilia glanced at them once or twice and at least one of them was looking at her sourly. She couldn't not have said anything. Yeah, it was Fred's funeral and the day was supposed to be about him but Emilia couldn't take it any longer. Though, she felt slightly less guilty for ruining his funeral as Fred had always taught her to speak up for herself. However, with family that was especially hard and if you add the fact that her parents and brother was the only family she had left, she thought she was brave to cut them off.
Jost was at the funeral and Emilia hadn't paid much attention to the people there so she hadn't noticed. It wasn't until Jost approached her at the wake she acknowledged that he had attended. He was understanding and allowed her to take as much time as she needs off but Emilia assured she would be back in work on Monday. She hadn't decided how she felt about racing yet but she knew she was going to anyway because she had to race for Fred. Hopefully, he'll be perched on nice cloud with a good view of the track where he can see all the cars. That would be better view than she could offer him in the garage but she would give anything to have him the garage. She kept expecting him to walk through the door but he hadn't yet. All she could do now, was race for him. Make him proud again. Put in a performance so good that his face would hurt from smiling. Fred constantly told her how proud he made her but she never knew whether he meant or whether he just said it to make her happy. This race, she was desperate to make him proud even though she would never hear him say it again. Maybe a win would come out of her home race but that was very unlikely. Anthoine's passing motivated Charles then Pierre to win for him but she didn't feel the same. She felt that it unmotivated her. Even with the visor down, she felt that she would not be at her best. That was death though. Relentless and unexpecting to the point it ruined people. Emilia didn't know how she was going to pick herself up from this but she had to, for Fred. He would always be watching her, up in heaven reunited with his wife cheering her on and Emilia would look up for his support and guidance which Fred would be shouting from the sky but down on Earth, Emilia wouldn't be able to hear him.
Yeah these last two characters are pretty much just for Fred but that's okay and I hope you all loved him as much as I did. I was crying writing this chapter again oops. This chapter isn't as good as I wanted it to be due to stress of results day which was today but I'm mostly happy with this chapter. I hope everyone got what they needed with their results no matter what I'm proud of you and you should be too!
Go check out moonishf1 's and leaasoph 's story they're amazing writers!!
I love you all, stay safe and I hope you enjoyed the chapter <3