Why not put this picture when he looking FINE AS FUCK! Also long one, 4.3k.
Warnings: Mentions of suicide, cutting, body shaming, and mentions of blood(I know some people might think this one is weird. But my friend hates blood and hates when it's mentioned too.).
"Is this all for you today?" The cashier asked me. "Yes." I nodded. She ringed up the dress and put it in a bag. I paid for the dress and walked out the store.
I got back to the compound after putting my dress in my room. I changed my shirt from Bucky's sweatshirt and went to the lab.
I started my work for the day figuring out what some stuff was that my friends, the Avengers, picked up from a HYDRA lab. I was looking through the microscope to the sample from a serum. When I heard some other women scientists talking behind me.
"So who is she dating?" I heard the new girl, Camden, ask. "Bucky. You know the Winter Soldier. The man who looks like a fucking god." Emma, the girl I hate, told her. "Really? Bucky is dating her? He could do such better." Camden questioned.
"I know right. Me and him would be so much better together. He shouldn't be with a fat girl like that. I mean he should be with a goddess, like me. I'm surprised he even asked her out. Let alone put up with her for almost two years." Anna, the girl I hate more the Emma, said. The girls laughed and I just tried to shake it off.
My name is Y/n Dugan. The reason I work closely with the Avengers is because best friend since I was a kid is, Tony Stark. The reason me and Tony have been close is, his dad and my grandfather, Dum Dum Dugan, worked together in SHIELD after WWII.
Me and Tony being the geniuses we are worked our way up together. We went to college when we were kids together. I have been working at Stark Industries, SHIELD, and now at the Avengers compound. Tony's like my brother so it was hard for us to leave each other.
After finishing my work after about another hour I figured out it was another try at recreating the super-soldier serum. But after looking at the cells i saw what was wrong with it. Instead of enhancing the cells making someone stronger, it would just attack the cells breaking them down killing someone after a few days.
I made my way back up mine and Bucky's room and took a shower. While in the shower I picked up my shaving razor and looked at it. And I started thinking about my past.
One thing clear Bucky and Tony knew about my past is me being suicidal. I had this boyfriend that would hit me, degrade me, keep telling me I was ugly. So the only thing I could find as a way out was... dying. But every time I would cut he would find me and beat me more.
Once Tony found out about what he was doing and my thoughts he beat him to a bloody pulp, made me move in with him at the house, and promised he wouldn't let me get back to cutting. But when I hear people talk about my body I can't help but think about him and the pain.
I got out of the shower and dried myself off. I put on shorts and one of Bucky's sleeping shirts which was just one of his big t-shirts. I walked back into the bathroom and looked in a bag I had stuffed in the back under the sink. I pulled out the small razor I used to cut with. I dried the bottom of the shower and laid a different towel down and sat on it.
"It'll be fine. He doesn't come home 'till tomorrow. He won't have to know." I told myself. Bucky, Natasha, Steve, Tony, and Sam were gone on a mission 'till tomorrow.
I took a deep breath and put the blade on my thigh. I pressed down and slowly moved down making a medium sized cut. I let out the breath and sighed. It started to bleed and I took in the soothing pain.
It's been a while since I cut myself. I haven't cut since before me and Bucky got together and that was almost two and a half years ago. I never cut during our relationship because every time I heard someone say something Bucky or Tony have been here. But, they're not here right now.
I left about seven medium cuts on the inside of both my thighs. I watched as they just bleed there. Since I hadn't cut in a while they were bleeding a lot. I watched until I felt my eyes start getting heavier and heavier. Before I knew it I had passed out.
Bucky's POV:
"See you guys later?" I waved and got off the quinjet. "Where you going?" Tony asked. "To surprise and be with my wonderful and beautiful girlfriend. So, goodbye. No offence, but i want to be with her right now." I said and jogged off.
I've been on a mission for almost two weeks. Me and Y/n have been face timing every night before she goes to bed. But that's not enough for me. I need to be able to hold her in my arms. I need to be able to kiss her and cuddle.
The mission clean up went by quicker so we got home a day before. So, now i get to surprise her.
I walked out of the elevator and looked in my floors living room hoping to see Y/n. She wasn't here so i went to the bedroom thinking she'd be here. "Y/n!" I called out. "Doll! I'm home!" I yelled. I opened the door and the bed was made get like she does every morning. The bathroom door was closed. I opened it and saw something i wish i hadn't.
"Y/n?" I asked quietly. She said anything or move so i walked forward seeing her legs. The bottom half of her thighs and part of her legs were bloody. There was blood running from the cuts going down the drain. Her hand was set beside her holding a small razor blade with blood on it.
"Baby, please look at me." I put my hands on each side of her face. I could barely see with the tears brimming my eyes. "FRIDAY i need you to call Tony and Bruce. Tell them to bring a gurney for Y/n." I said with a shaky voice.
"I can't lose you, Doll. Please don't leave me." I begged putting my forehead on hers. I moved my hands down to the cuts and put pressure on them to try to slow down the bleeding.
Bruce, Tony, Steve, and a nurse came into the bedroom. "In here." I said. Tony rushed in first and sat next to me.
"What happened?" Bruce and Tony asked. "I don't know. I came in here to find her and saw her laying here." I trembled out.
Tony stood up and walked out. I stood up and put my arm under her legs and one on her back. I picked her up and set her on the gurney. Once i did i turned around and put my arms around Steve's waist. He put his around my shoulders and rubbed my back.
"She'll be fine, Buck. I know it. She's one of the strongest people i know." He said.
Me and Steve went to his floor because I didn't want to sit on OUR bed or OUR couch. Not if the news I got was that they did everything they could.
We got to Steve's floor and I took a seat on his couch. I put my head back and closed my eyes. And did something I thought I would never do again.
"No one ever knows if your listening or not. Or if you can only hear when we say this stuff aloud. But i don't really say these things out loud where anyone can hear them. I need your help. And i know A LOT of people probably ask for help. But this time i really need you to listen. Not for me but for Y/n. Before everything happened with the war i didn't really date. I was the person to sleep around. But as soon as Steve found me and helped me bring back my memories and i saw Y/n. I knew I wanted her. I needed her. And i need her now too. I have no idea why she did that to herself but i need you to help me. I have no idea what i would do without her. She is always there and helps me when i need it. I love her so so much. So please just listen to what i have to say and don't take her from me. I never got to ask her."
I opened my eyes and leaned forward putting my face in my hands.
I definitely haven't talked or prayed to god in a long time. The last time was before i was finally wiped. Before every time HYDRA would take me to look at my arm or try to wipe me or force the Winter Soldier program in my head, i would pray. But i stopped and lost faith in god after that day. Because i realized he never cared.
I went through all that pain and he never helped. Everyone tells me that god plans out our life. He makes us the path and we follow it. And my path just lead to pain and sorrow. My path lead me into being happy that i could go and serve my country and try to help make a difference. To falling off a train, which doesn't help my fear of heights. To losing my damn arm, my family, my best friend, and even myself for a long time.
But the reason i'm happier than i could imagine is because of Y/n. We met when i went into the lab so i could have some blood drawn. Y/n was trying to compare the serum in my blood to the ones they were making now. So me being curious and wanting to know more about her i asked if i could help out some.
And then she found out i would be absolutely no help to her I apologized and asked her out. She told me, "Since you tried to help and show more interest than even Tone... yes I will go out with you." And then she gave me one of her smiles that I love so much.
"Mr. Barnes, Bruce is asking for you in room 8 on the hospital floor." FRIDAY told me. "Thank you FRIDAY. Please let Bruce know we're on our way." Steve answered. "You want to grab her some extra clothes on our way up?" Steve asked and I nodded.
We went back to our floor and i went to the closet. I grabbed a couple pairs of her sweatpants and one of her shorts. She might not want the shorts, because they will probably show the cuts, but i know she loves to sleep in them. I grabbed her favorite sweatshirt of mine and a few of my sleeping shirts she wears all the time. I then packed a bag for me knowing i won't leave her side. I also got one for our bathroom stuff.
Once we made it up there she was laying on the bed with a tube in front of her nose helping her breathe. There was a few wires coming from the top of her hospital gown and a heart monitor beeping. I set the bags down on the floor next to the couch and Tony was sitting there just looking at her not letting his eyes off her.
"She'll be fine. Physically at least. The cuts were very deep for normal cuts that people do like this. She was bleeding a lot because she ended up cutting her adductor hiatus. Which is a artery in her thigh. She got lucky. If you showed up yesterday like you originally said. She wouldn't be here. Now mentally i don't know. Something obviously happened for her to do this. I didn't know she had problems with this type of stuff but-" Bruce was cut off by Tony.
"She didn't want anyone knowing. She's had really bad depression, thoughts and attempts at suicide, anxiety, and trust issues." Tony named them.
"She told me about it all. She only wants to cut when someone says something about how she looks. But whenever something like that happens either me or Tony is here to stop her. But this time we weren't here." I added.
"Why does she want to every time someone says something?" Bruce asked and waved the nurse out. I took a seat before answering. "Her ex. She told me when they got together he was this sweet loving man. But after a while he started acting weird. He started hitting her and telling her she was ugly. Saying her body was disgusting." I said.
"And let's just say when i found out... it didn't end well for him. She moved in with me and helped her get some help. Once she was more back to normal i gave her a job at Stark Industries." Tony said.
After talking a bit Bruce said Y/n would wake up probably later tonight. They all left leaving me with her. I pulled up the chair on her right side and grabbed her hand.
"I'm here, Doll. I'm right here with you. I promise I'll help you." I kissed her hand and put my head on it.
"Thank you."
Y/n's POV:
I slowly started opening my eyes and i looked around a bit. I was in one of the hospital rooms upstairs. I looked down and saw Bucky sleeping there. He was sitting in a chair next to the bed, he had his head on the bed with his mouth slightly open letting out soft snores, and his fingers were still laced with mine.
It's not the first time would fall asleep with his hand in mine. Most nights he will grab my hand and hold it and just fall right asleep. I asked him about because i was curious. The answer he gave me was about his nightmares.
They're usually about me being taken by HYDRA, old memories about being the Winter Soldier, or just losing himself all over again. He said if he wakes up or can feel something in his hand in the dream he knows it's me safe in his arms.
I moved my left hand over and put it in his hair. I moved my fingers around massaging his scalp. Something i know he loves and something I've done so much when he comes and sits with me i will start doing it without realizing.
He started to shift in his sleep and i gave his hand a light squeeze letting him know i was awake. His head shot up and i giggled a bit.
I moved over and patted the space left on the bed. Bucky got right in and put his head on my chest and wrapped his arms around me.
"Please don't ever do that again." He said then kissed my neck softly. "I'm sorry. I just couldn't take it without you." I said softly.
"I know. But that's when you call me. Call Tony. And if neither of us will pick up tell FRIDAY to send us a message telling us it's urgent. If i'm in the middle of fighting i will pick up and multitask. But you have to promise me. I can't live without you, Doll. I need you more than anyone." He moved his head up and looked me in the eyes with those beautiful blue ones.
I nodded and said, "I promise." He smiled and leaned up placing his lips on mine. He moved his hands to my face and i put mine on his hips.
"I love you. So god damn much, Darling." He said and pulled away. "I love you." I smiled.
"I have a question." He said. "Yes?" I asked and moved some hair off his face. "I need to do something. Right now. Because i can't take holding it anymore. But know this isn't how i wanted to do it." He told me.
"Okay. What's wrong, Baby?" I asked. "Just give me a second." He kissed my forehead.
He got out of bed and went to some bags on the ground. He pulled out this jacket and grabbed something. He walked back over with his hand in a fist hiding something.
"Okay. I love you Y/n Dugan. The day i walked into the lab that day i was hooked. And i thought i totally messed it up when you figured out i didn't know what fuck you were saying. But you gave me a shot and it turned out to be the best thing in my life. I can't ask for anything more with you. You give me the world and when i get to come home from a mission and know you're waiting for me... it makes me so unbelievably happy knowing your there. The simplest things, like holding your hand when i sleep, grounds me. That saves me from falling back into my past in my nightmares. When i get to wake up and still see you sleeping on my chest or under my arm it makes me happy. Knowing i get to wake up to you and love you that day. And you know me. And i know you. So you know i don't ever say things like this. But can't help but let everything pour out of me." Bucky wiped the tear from his face. I wiped the few that were falling down mine.
Bucky moved down onto his knee and looked up at me. "I love you. Y/n Y/m/n Dugan will you do me the greatest honor in my life and be my wife?" He asked me. He opened his hand and showed me a absolutely beautiful ring.
"Yes. Of course i will." I nodded letting more tears fall. He got up and took my left hand sliding the ring on. I grabbed his face and he put his hands on my neck and we connected our lips.
"Mr. Barnes has proposed to Ms. Y/l/n. And she has accepted. Congrats. Message sent." FRIDAY said.
"Did she really just tell the entire team before we could?" Bucky asked and pulled away. I just started laughing. "I think so. But who cares. they were gonna find out tomorrow anyway." I said.
All of a sudden we heard a scream of excitement come from below us. Which happened to be Natasha's and Wanda's floor.
"Finally!" We also heard them yell. Which just made us laugh more.
A COUPLE DAYS LATER
After being in that stupid room for a few days Bruce said i could go back to mine and Bucky's room. Bucky kept asking me who said those things and so did Tony. So i finally gave in and told them who but i made them promise that we would confront them together.
"Alright! Everyone out and into the conference room!" Tony yelled. Everyone looked at him and put their stuff down to walk out. The three girls started walking away before Tony stepped in front of them. "Not you three. Sit." He said sternly.
After everyone left the three girls were sitting in front of me and Tony was to my left and Bucky was behind me with his arms around my waist resting his head on my shoulder. "Y/n here has a few words she'd like to say." Tony said and they looked at me.
"You three are not the center of the world. And you're bitches. I won't apologize, nor will i ever for saying that. I don't know if you know or not but every little thing you say about me, i can hear. You have no regard for how people feel once they hear you. Now, I've had to hear that my entire life. So i'm going to say this. I hope you fall asleep easier tonight knowing you made someone cut themselves. And i apparently cut myself so badly i passed out and if Bucky didn't find me i would've died. So if you ever thought saying those thing about me just so i could hear them, and believe them, so i would break up the best thing in my life... you got another thing coming to you. Besides, after everything... i still got the ring." I held up my hand and they just looked at it.
They then moved their stare to Bucky waiting for him to say something. "Oh, i'm keeping my mouth shut. Because if i don't... you three would've been out of here within ten seconds of finding who it was." Bucky said and kissed my cheek.
"You three are lucky. If it was up to me i would have agreed with Bucky and fired you on the spot. But, Y/n knows the work you do. But if i ever hear anything come out of our guys mouth about her or about anyone, you'll be gone with a snap of my fingers." Tony said. They nodded and walked out. Tony gave me a hug and left.
"I love you." Bucky said and kissed the side of my neck. "I love you too. And if they want to talk about something... I'll give them something to talk about at the yearly party Tony's doing." I smirked and put my hands on his forearms.
"Is it something i'm gonna love you too?" He asked. "You're the whole reason i bought it." I answered.
"What am i talking about? I'll love you in anything. But those words that came out of your mouth make me wonder what you got." He said. "Well, you'll just have to wait and see." Bucky groaned and i laughed.
TWO WEEKS LATER
Tonight was the night of yearly party. Everyone is going to be there. Everyone in the lab, plus their dates, the Avengers, some Agents, and some more people.
I put my hair in a high ponytail and did my makeup. Bucky was getting ready in the bedroom as i was in the bathroom. I knew i would take longer to get ready. I slipped on the dress and put on my heels. I made sure i looked good before smiling at myself.
Over these few weeks i paid more attention to my body and realized it didn't matter how i looked. I have an amazing best friend, a job i love a lot, a family, and the best man i could dream of. And none of them, besides the job, could care less how i looked. They all loved me for me.
"Bucky? You dressed?" I asked and knocked on the door. "Yes, Doll. Are you done because i'm tired of waiting to see you in this dress." He said. I laughed a bit and unlocked the door. I walked out and Bucky's eyes were immediately on me eyeing my body.
(This is the exact outfit.)
"Fuck." Was the only word out of his mouth. He walked over to me and grabbed my hand. He raised it over my head and spun me around.
Once i was back to facing him he put his hands on my hips and pulled my body to his. "God you are so fucking magnificent, Doll. And unbelievably sexy." He said.
"Why thank you, Baby. Might i say you look super sexy too." I smiled and looked down at his body.
(I'm sorry, can we just take a second for the look he's giving the camera too. Like you already broke us with the suit we don't need a sexy look to top it off as well. 🥵😘😉❤️)
"You think?" He asked. I looked back up at his eyes very quick and he started laughing a bit. "'You think?' Boy shut the hell up! You know you looking fucking sexy." I said and put my arms around his neck.
"I love you." He said. "I love you too." He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. He slowly reached his hands down when we were kissing and grabbed my ass. I squealed in the kiss and pulled away.
"Save it for later." I said and he smirked. "How about we completely skip this thing and i show you how much i love you?" He asked. "Nice try." I said and pulled away. I walked over to the door and Bucky groaned before walking with me.
We got in the elevator and waited for it to finish going down. Once we were one floor before stopping i said something. "How about you show me when we go back up?" I asked and the elevator dinged.
"Doll, your playing a dangerous game." He said and linked our arms. I stopped and leaned up to his ear.
"Good for me then. I love playing dangerous." I lightly bit his ear before leaving him standing there and i found Natasha and Wanda.
"Why is Bucky just standing there?" Wanda asked. "Let's just say it'll be a interesting night. And I'm gonna be in trouble when we go back upstairs." I said and ordered my drink. "Girl, you're so in for it." Natasha said and we all laughed.
Part 2?