Waah ang bilis lumipas ng araw. I've already sent a letter of acceptance to Ms. Salvador about Wilmana's offer. It's been two weeks and nearly three pero wala pa akong natatanggap na sagot nila. No reply, no mail, no call, nothing. I think I have to call Andy instead.
And especially since I didn't talk to Kev about it yet. I won't talk about it now, not today because we're at Niel's birthday party right now. Dito sa bahay yung venue and I literally had to push him into coming here today.
"Anong oras ba tayo uuwi?" naiinip na tanong niya.
Tignan mo 'tong taong to. Wala pang isang oras na nandito kami eh.
"Will you stop asking me and just enjoy yourself."
"Kung hindi mo sana ako pinilit na pumunta dito wala sanang nagtatanong sa'yo. Tss."
"Will you stop complaining? We're here anyway and you can't go home without me." I smile at myself.
"Paano ako makakauwi eh na sa'yo yung susi ng kotse ko?"
Kinuha ko yung susi niya dahil baka umalis na lang at pag bumalik tapos na yung party.
"Kaya nga. Loosen up, will you?" I say but he just rolled his eyes at me.
Nag-enroll na rin si Niel last month sa preschool. May magician ngayon sa harap at nanunuod si Niel kasama yung mga batang bisita niya. We're seated around the table right now.
"Gusto mo ng beer? Ikukuha kita." alok ko. I think he needs it right now because his annoyance is growing.
"I'll get it myself. Stay here." sabi niya ng may pagbabanta pa sa boses niya.
"Sa'n naman kaya ako pupunta?" tanong ko pero hindi na niya ako pinansin at umalis na siya para pumasok sa loob ng bahay.
After a few minutes, lumapit sa'kin si Mark. Syempre nandito rin siya. He's a family friend at close sila ni Niel.
"Working it out with the boyfriend?"
"Yep. Are you mocking me right now?" biro ko.
"If you take it that way..." he shrugs his shoulders.
"Back off." I playfully tell him.
"Given that he's coming right now... mas mabuti ngang umalis na ako." natatawang sabi niya at napatingin ako sa tinuturo niya sa likod ko.
Kev's coming my way with two bottle of beer on hand.
"I'll see you later." paalam niya and I just nodded and smiled.
"Ano namang kailangan nun?"
"Wala, nangamusta lang. Para sa'kin ba yang isa?" pagiiba ko ng usapan.
"Nope." he said, popping the 'p' before drinking from the bottle.
"You're still driving later. Wag kang masyadong iinom."
"Since when did you start repremanding me like that?" he smiles.
"It started 5 seconds ago." I stuck my tongue out and he smiles more.
I love that smile.
****
"Tita!" napalingon ako sa tumawag sa'kin sa likuran ko.
Kevin's arm is around my chair and we're seated nearer than we were.
Excited na nagpakandong sa'kin si Niel while Kev removed his arm from my chair.
"Are you enjoying?" I ask the cute kid.
"Yes tita! Sa'n regalo ko?" He pouts.
"Oh, shocks! I forgot." I dramatically say as I get the paper bag under the table.
He puts on the sad face until I place it in front of him.
Masaya niya lang binuksan yun. It's a limited edition of Ben 10 collections na gustong gusto niya pero ayaw bilhan nila Kuya.
"Wow. Tita is the best!" Masayang sabi niya tsaka ako niyakap.
"I know right?" I laugh. Kev is just drinking from his bottle of beer. Pangatlo na ata niya yan eh.
"Tita wag muna kayong gumawa ng baby ni Tito Kevin ha."
Biglang naubo si Kev habang umiinom ng beer habang ako natigilan lang.
I didn't comment on it because I don't even know what to say.
"Go to your mom." I tell him. He kisses me before he runs off.
Kev clears his throat.
"Uhm.. We can go in thirty minutes." I tell him and he nods.
****
So yun nga umalis na kami after 30 minutes. Hindi naman mukhang nahihilo si Kev pero tinanong ko pa rin siya.
"Are you okay? Gusto mo ako na lang magdrive?" Tanong ko sa kanya nung makasakay kami ng kotse.
"No. I'll drive."
"Okay."
He pulls out of the driveway and on the way to his condo.
Tahimik lang kami hanggang makarating kami ng condo niya. Hindi ko alam, hindi naman kami nagaaway pero parang ayaw niya kasing makipagusap but I will need to talk to him later.
Dumeretso siya ng kusina kaya sumunod ako. Nagbubukas na naman siya ng beer.
"I think you've had enough."
"Would you stop being so nosy? Fck."
What?
"Nosy? I just think you've had enough dahil kanina ka pa umiinom."
"It's none of your business." he snaps at me.
"You're lashing out on me now? Ano bang problema mo?"
"Tss." And there he walks out on me and he enters into the bedroom with a beer in hand.
Sinundan ko lang siya ulit. I'm not being nosy. This is me caring about him.
"We were okay earlier. May problema ba?" I ask him in a soft voice.
"God Reena. Pwede ba?" He placed his beer on the nightstand.
"Nagtatanong lang naman ako ah." I defended.
"Well, stop asking me then." He enters in the closet, closing the door.
"Fine. You can sleep alone then."
He's not to treat me this way. Nakikipagusap ng maayos yung tao sa kanya tapos ganon siya makasagot?
I step out of his bedroom and to the living room where my phone is ringing.
I didn't bother to look at the screen to see who it is.
"Hello?" I say on the line.
"Thank God! Reena Chris Fontanilla. What the hell happened to you? Ngayon mo lang sinagot yung tawag ko ah."
"Hoy babae ngayon ka lang naman tumawag ah."
"Bakla ka. Lagi kaya akong tumatawag sayo pero laging deretso sa voicemail." Eh?
"Eh hindi ka pa nga tumatawag. Baklang to. I don't usually put it on voicemail unless I need to." I say more to myself.
"Anyway... ano na? Nagrereklamo na si Sandra dahil hindi ka na raw nagreply sa form na sinend niya sa mail mo."
"I've never even received one. Naghihintay kaya ako. I already accepted the offer."
Stress na nga ako kay Kevin pati ba naman dito? Wala akong maintindihan.
"Mabuti naman. Bruha ka talaga. Ilang ulit ka na raw niyang nire remind at tulad ko sa voicemail rin deretso yung tawag niya."
"Oo na. I'll check my phone at paki sabi i-mail niya na lang ulit. I-ch-check ko na lang. Okay, bruha?"
"Fine, fine. Nakausap mo na ba si Kev about this?" tanong niya at biglang hindi ako nakasagot pero nakabawi rin ako agad.
"Not yet. I will, soon."
When is that "soon" for me?
"Okay, because you need to come to New York and live there if you're really going."
"Yeah, I know. I hope he'll come with me though."
"Come with you? Seryoso ka ba? He's got a job there. Pa'no niya naman iiwan 'yun just to come to New York and besides he won't let you accept the offer in the first place."
"I don't know. Hindi ko pa naiisip 'yan. I just want him to come with me and that's by how far I've thought about this."
It's true. I just want him to come with me dahil buo naman na yung desisyon kong bumalik ng New York. I think there's nothing for me here except for my family and Kevin of course.
"Well... I don't think he'll agree to it."
I sighed, "He can work from there." I say as if it's the most obvious solution in the world.
"And you think that would work?"
"Yeah." No.
"Well... ikaw na ang bahala but I'm just so glad you made up your mind!" she squeals.
I smile, "I'm glad I'm doing this for myself."
"Yep. Me too." I hear a voice calling her name over the phone.
"Gotta go but I'll call you again soon."
"Fine. Byeeee." I hang up and when I turn around, nagulat na lang ako, Kevin's already there.
With his beer on one hand, he's leaning on the breakfast bar in the kitchen. How did he get there? His eyes are fuming with emotions but I can't tell what he's thinking.
"You're leaving me again?" he took a swig from his bottle.
"Ka.. kanina ka pa ba d'yan?" I don't know what to say.
"Answer me."
"Kevin..."
"Don't 'Kevin' me!" sigaw niya tsaka niya tinapon yung bote ng beer sa sahig. Nagulat ako sa ginawa niya and right now I can't find the right words to explain myself to him.
"You've had this coming since when? Isang buwan na di ba? You didn't even ask me if I want you to go!" he shouts again.
"Because it's my decision in the first place! If I wanna do it, I'll do it. Stop shouting, will you?" sagot ko sa kanya. I want to talk to him in a calm way. Wait... how did he know it's been going on for a month now?
"How did you know I've had this for a month now?"
His expression suddenly changed.
"Screw this. If you're going to leave, just leave. Be my guest." he attempts to walk out on me again but I walked towards him and grab him by the elbow to stop him.
"You deleted my mails, didn't you? You were the one diverting my calls into voice mail! Oh my god." I can't believe he just did that?!
He's not looking at me straight in the eyes.
"You knew and yet you're acting this way now? Bakit hindi mo na lang ako kinausap?"
He scoffs, "May mababago ba pag sinabi ko sa'yo? Pag kinausap ba kita hindi ka na aalis? I was preventing you from leaving, yeah fine. But is it a crime that I don't want you to leave me?"
His answer caused me to frown and think about his side here.
"Okay. I wasn't thinking rationally. Inaamin ko naman eh pero natakot lang ako. I was afraid that if you knew, you would break-up with me."
"Break-up with you? It's you who's breaking up with me."
"I am not breaking up with you. What the hell are you thinking?"
"Hindi ba dun na rin naman papunta 'to? You're going to New York, Reena and long distance shit isn't going to work for me."
"We may try it and it might work. Bakit ka ba nagsasalita ng patapos?" I try to reason with him.
"Patapos? Eh matatapos na nga tayo patapos pa ba sa'yo 'to?"
"Walang matatapos! Pwede ba?" Bakit ba kasi iniisip niyang nakikipagbreak ako sa kanya? Gaaahd.
"I waited for three fcking long years and this is how it's going to end?" He walks through the hallway and I follow him.
"End? No one's ending this relationship. I'm not breaking up with you and you're sure as hell that I won't let you break up with me." sabi ko tsaka niya ako hinarap.
"T*ng in* Reena. Hindi mo ba alam kung bakit ayokong magmodel ka in the first place? It's because of this. It's not because of you showing off. It's you, leaving."
"We don't need to break-up. You can come with me to New York and support me there. You can even work from there. You can do that, right? Just please, don't make me choose." I plead with him. My tears are threatening to find their way out of my eyes. No, don't cry.
"Support you? Anong suporta ba kailangan mo? Suporta kung sa'n may chance na pwede mo akong iwan?" he sarcastically laughed, "Hindi kita pinapapili Reena pero simula pa lang namili ka na at alam mo kung anong sama nun? Dehado ako dahil hindi mo man lang ako kinonsidera."
"Kev... please." Hindi ko na napigilan yung luhang pumatak mula sa mga mata ko.
"T*ng in* talaga Reena. Kailangan ba talaga ako lagi yung naiiwan?"
"You can come with me. Why won't you?" I'm still pleading with him.
"You don't really get it, do you? Hindi na ako magiging parte ng mundo mo dun pero ako hindi na ata iikot yung mundo ko pag wala ka eh. Kagago, di ba?" he scoffs.
My heart flutters from his words and I nearly call Sandra to back out but I can't find myself to because I know that I'll hate myself if I miss this opportunity and I'll hate Kevin more for it if I won't go because of him.
He means the world to me at alam kong matagal nga kaming naghintay to be together but if I miss this chance to pursuit what I want then that means it's the end for this new journey and it hasn't even started yet.
"Hindi ba pwedeng kung nasa'n ako nandun ka rin kahit na minsan lang? Hindi ba pwedeng maging masaya ka rin para sa'kin dahil gusto ko yung ginagawa ko? Hindi ba pwedeng intindihin mo naman ako? Hindi ba pwedeng ako rin yung humiling minsan?" I really plead and for a moment I thought his emotions are beginning to soften but they don't.
"Gawin mo na lang kung anong gusto mo Reena and I'll do the same. Bahala ka na." and once again, he walks out on me. He's done it far too many times but why is it that this time I feel him slowly walking away from me and slowly getting out of my life, slowly torturing me inside.
This is not the end for us. I won't let him let go of me. This is way far too easy. I won't let him go like I did three years ago but I won't sacrifice this opportunity either. I will hold on to both of this until I can make him come with me because didn't he know? He's my world and I don't think it will ever be the same without him in my life.