My eyes blurred from my tears that I failed to notice what happened as I slipped out of Elladan's grip and reduced to a sitting mess heap on the ground. All I know was that my knees felt weak, my spirit was broken, and an ancient loneliness returned with such force– another intent to devastate me further.
I knew it. I was selfish. I was an ungrateful human being–that, if I was still in fact, even human. I hurt those I love the most; pushed my husband away–one whose love never falter and affection I did not deserve. My poor children, who I avoided at all cost in defense of my own self righteousness–thinking that I was protecting them.
I know I was weak. I was evil. And they know that. But it won't change the fact that I was still their mother, and they'd still need me. But what have I done? I've pushed them away. I left them alone.
My shoulders sagged as cry of anguish shook me to the bone. I thought… I can't go on anymore. I didn't have the strength anymore. With the many sins that I carried, both from my past and this life–
God. Dan was right. I was going to die, and along with me, I would drag those that I loved and feed them the fruit of my transgressions.
With that, I realized that there would be no religion that could save me. Not God, not Eru, nor whatever kind of resting place you can think of that would accept me. Not in heaven, not in the Halls of Mandos.
A familiar touch–loving and understanding–caressed the side of my cheek. Through the well of my eyes, I saw a silhouette of a beautiful ellon with long, silky blond hair that looked as if its strands were made of the fibre of sun itself.
He was after all, my sunshine.
Aur nin, I spoke inwardly.
As I blinked my tears away, his gentle expression told me that he heard me, and that soft smile stole my heart all over again. It soothed me that I was the cause of that smile; but it also broke me that I was also the culprit of the absent of light in his eyes.
The easiness and light that used to hide behind his icy blue eyes seemed to fade completely. Instead, lurked behind those mesmerizing eyes were sadness, waiting to be discovered by those who knows how to read him. My pain was his pain; and again, I hated myself for making him suffer for my sins.
"Are you alright, meleth nin?" he asked worriedly. I was too busy trying to uncover everything in his eyes that I have been avoiding all these weeks, that I failed to answer him. "Can you stand?"
There was electricity from his touch as he put one hand behind my lower back and other hand beneath my arm as he steadied me back on my feet.
Say something, love.
But I was lost in his eyes; I'd tell him that I'm fine, but I'd be lying, and in that realization, I figured that there was nothing more I'd like than to be alone with him.
And rest.
Your wish is my command, he replied with a weak hint of teasing in my mind. He flashed me his playful smirk; but I know in my heart that it was also a facade. That the truth was, he was also nursing another kind of pain–one that I caused.
And as much as I wanted to, I couldn't bring myself to return his smile. Through our bond I felt his disappointment and worry–then anger.
The softness in his eyes was gone momentarily as he pried his gaze from me–to shot Elladan a threatening glare.
Immediately I felt how angry Legolas was; and for a split second he entertained the idea of punching the eldest son of Elrond, or even planting two arrows on his face. But Legolas' focus was quick to shift to me, and just as quick as the revengeful thought came, it was gone.
"Take her away from here," murmured someone, "You can come back and murder my brother later."
To my surprise, I failed to notice that Elrohir had been standing in front of Eladan, forming a wall between Legolas and his older brother. As soon as our eyes met, I dropped my gaze in shame, remembering the pain im Elladan's eyes when he rebuked me earlier.
As I let Legolas led me away from the garden, I could hear the twins bickering between themselves.
"You should be on my side!"
"Grow up, Dan! What on earth were you thinking?"
"Don't patronize me, I am the older brother here."
"Yes yes, by three minutes and two seconds, and you never let me forget that!"
Their voices faded out after a while as I and Legolas exited the royal garden towards the royal family wing. With him and his warmth next to me as we walked, I almost forgot the reason why we fought–why I fought him in the first place. Now, it all seemed silly to me.
Our room felt less cold now that he was here with me, unlike the past three weeks where Legolas resorted to sleep in the extra room in the royal family wing. A pang of guilt hit me at realizing that by letting him leave our room while I was being 'upset' with him was an act of punishing–one that was not only selfish, but also wrongful.
My eyes began to well up again. Not wanting to let him know, I looked down on my hands as I sat on my side of the bed. Legolas stood a couple seconds long in front of me before hesitantly voiced his concern.
"Do you want me to go?"
My lips quivered with guilt. I looked up to him and shook my head.
"Do you want to talk?"
Deep down, I wanted to. He knew everything already. Nothing to lose, right? But the shame that accompanied that knowledge prompted my actions to oppose what my heart wanted. I shook my head, knowing that it'd hurt him.
I was the worst partner someone can end up with, but Legolas' response was only a nod and an understanding smile. Then without as much as goodbye, he left me. I bit my lip as a surge of sadness hit me, but unable to do anything to stop him because I deserved that.
I clutched my chest, hoping to ease the pain. I sobbed quietly, but when his boots suddenly came into my view, I flinched in surprise. When I looked up, Legolas was back in front of me, holding my sleeping gown in his hand.
His eyes were so sad when he looked at me–it didn't match the slight playfulness in his smile.
"Do you need a moment alone to change?"
I was torn between laughing or crying at that question. So instead a pathetic chuckle left me as I wiped the tears on my cheek. "You're my husband. There's nothing new for you to see."
He smiled at that. But again, his eyes were so very sad as I took the fabric from his hand. I sat awkwardly at the edge of the bed as my shaky fingers went behind my back to undo the many buttons sewed to my dress.
"Allow me."
There was nothing sexual with the way he helped me undress. No innuendos, nor any hint of playfulness exchanged between us like we used to do throughout the entire time we were married. After he gently helped me slip my sleeping dress over my head and straightened the dress to my thigh, he fluffed up my pillow–which reminded me with the way he usually do for our kids when they were but elflings.
"Lay down and rest," he instructed softly, "I will join you soon."
"Hannon le (thank you)," I nodded and did as he told.
I watched as he disarm himself. The bow and the quiver of arrows went first to the nightstand beside his side of the bed; then his twin knives and his arm braces. He took off his boots and put it aside before sending me a small smile and disappeared towards the closet. When he returned, he was already in his silk sleeping shirt.
Over the years I grew a habit of sleeping in his arms, or in any position that let me feel the warmth of his skin. But now I held back, thinking that there's no way he'd accept me that easy, not after much pain that I inflicted on him. But to my surprise, I felt Legolas' desire to hold me wafted off of him, as if his own soul was reaching out to me, but he too, held himself back, and instead opted to watch me from his side of the bed.
We both knew what we wanted, but each of us held ourselves back for our own reasons. But as much as I know that I didn't deserve that luxury of being near him, I reached out a hand to touch his. In response he intertwined our fingers together. My heart beat faster at the contact, and hearing that with his superior elven ears, he smiled.
We stayed like that for a minute, wanting each other from a small distance, until he broke the silence altogether.
"Come here."
To hell with it! I found myself rushing into his arms and wrapped myself around his middle tightly, as if my life depended on it. It was as if the tension that had been hanging between us was gone in an instant, and both of us let out a breath of relieve as we found ourselves back into each other's embrace.
I inhaled and let his comforting scent filled my lungs. "I'm sorry," I mumbled to his chest.
"You did nothing wrong, meleth nin," he answered graciously, then I felt his arms tightened around me, "It is me that should have said sorry...and that I missed you very much."
Pffft. If anything, Legolas had been trying to say sorry for the past three weeks while all he did was just trying to protect me. But I didn't want to ruin what we have now by starting an argument with him. Instead I let myself subconsciously slipped my hand that was on his back under his sleeping shirt, letting the warmth of his skin seeped into mine, and his scent to lull me to sleep.
***
[Auhor's Note: Sorry for the long updates. I hope the fluff in this chapter eased the long waits ☺️ Also sorry in advance for any grammatical error and typos–I'm too lazy to proofread. So, yeah or nah? Review and stay tuned for the final chapter! And also I wanna take this time to thank all of your support. I wouldn't be able to write at all of not for your uplifting words and support! Stay safe and healthy wherever you are, sexy readers ❤️]