i roll over and groan, realizing who was behind me. he smiles in his sleep, his hand still resting on my waist. i throw it off and stand up, the sun hasn't even come up yet.
wow. i never wake up this early.
i quietly sneak out and shut the door, hoping i wouldn't wake him.
"you fucking slept in a bed with him?" dad says.
"didn't have much of a choice, dad," i walk off, already tired of the attitude.
after changing, i go to find carl. i need to know what happened to him.
"carl, what are you doing out here?" i ask as i walk up behind him.
he looks up from the grave, "visiting noah."
"this is where noah is? i didn't know negan let you bury him."
"well, when i got back they had buried whatever was left of him. i'm surprised he let us do that too," he sighs.
"carl, what happened? how the hell did you lose your eye?"
"well, when i was on the way back, i had to disguise myself as one of 'them'. i was caught in a horde. when i was getting close to the fence, i thought i dropped something so i turned and just as i was about to bend down, a bullet came flying by. popped me right in the eye. i don't know how i got out of there, but i remember dad carrying me inside and carol telling me to lay still."
"carl, i'm so sorry," i say as sadness overcomes me, i couldn't help but feel partly guilty for what happened to him.
"why? you had nothing to do with it."
"i don't know, i just feel like you deserve one."
"you're kinda weird, y/n."
"shut up," i say while playfully hitting his shoulder.
we sit and talk to noah as if he is there. then, we have to say our goodbyes to him and head back to the house. i don't know when we will be leaving, and i want to soak this up - the goodness. the happiness.
my family is sitting on the back porch, on the swings. and they're finally happy and smiling. i guess it's because negan isn't outside. carl and i walk up, i pick up one of the twins. "hi rory, getting into trouble i see," i say cuddling her. i missed this so much, these moments, the smiles, the laughter.
we were all laughing at rose, who was making faces. i think these girls can sense something is wrong, they're trying to make us happy. i guess negan can sense happiness too because he rounds the corner with a huge smirk on his face.
"what's so funny?" he asks.
the mood changes immediately. dad is tense again and picks rose up, holding her tightly. mom clenches to judith. carl comes next to me and nudges me behind him.
"aw now, don't ruin the moment guys," he turns to dad, "ricky, we need to talk." dad hands rose to carl and follows negan to the backyard.
all of us girls and carl walk inside and go to the playroom. once the twins are put down in their play pen with some toys, carl, mom and i head to the hallway.
"y/n, i can't let you leave with him. i can't let him take another one of my babies. i can't," my mother says, holding back tears.
negan interrupts, "too bad, sweetheart. my wife and i," he puts an emphasis on wife, "leave tomorrow. say your goodbyes. we leave as soon as the sun comes up." he comes over and puts his hand on my waist, pulling me closer. he leans down and whispers in my ear, "start acting like you give a shit about the rules, you're second strike is wearing thin."
i don't know how to react to what just happened. i just stand there, looking at the ground. he squeezes my side before letting me go and walking out of the room.
"y/n, what did he say to you? what is going to do to you?" my mother says while placing her hands on my cheeks.
"mom, he didn't do or say anything. my actions cause some consequences, he's never laid a hand on me."
'yet', i thought, 'not till my strikes run out'.
i look her in the eyes, hoping to reassure her that i would be okay, "mom, i'll be, okay? he treats me well, i'll be fine. i promise," i lean in and hug her.
after hugging, i leave the room. hoping for some time to think, i go to the tree that my siblings and i used to play under when we were younger. i see judith sitting there, reading a book. 'junie b jones and the stupid smelly bus'.
"so you found my old book collection, huh?" i smile as i approach her.
"it was under our bed."
"when did you go in there? did you see negan?" i question, worry washing over me.
"i waited till he left."
"good, judy. i don't want you alone with him. he is not a good man."
"then what is he?"
"he is a hard man to describe, but he isn't a good man." i couldn't really tell her how i felt about him.
"now i'm not that bad, am i?" negan says. he always seems to find us. i turn to him, crossing my arms and shooting a glare at him. "oh relax, princess. i didn't follow you. simon's been watchin' you."
i just roll my eyes and turn back to judy. "how about we go color? would that be fun?"
"yea!" she perks up.
we pass an annoyed negan and head inside. after judy and i start coloring, dad comes in with a grim look on his face, he eyes me.
"hey judy, could you go upstairs for a minute and check on rory and rose?" he asks politely. she shakes her head and smiles before going towards the stairs.
"dad, what's wrong?" i ask as i stand.
"y/n, i don't know how to say this, w-we can't save you. we can't make him let you stay. he said he would kill judith if i tried anything, sweetie, i need both of my girls alive. i'm sorry."
"dad, it's okay. i know that i have to go," i hug him and whisper in his ear, "i'm gonna find a way out, i promise."
he lets out of the hug and looks at me, tears in his eyes, "i love you y/n, with all my heart."
"i love you too, dad."
"look, this is sweet and all but can we wrap this up? you've got shit to divide up," simon says, interrupting our time together.
"alright. i'm coming," dad says before leaving.
later that night
i'm rocking rose to sleep, soaking up my last moments with her just as i did with rory. once i get her to sleep, i gently lay her down and step back, i watch them for a few minutes. i don't want to leave. i don't want to say goodbye. "i love you," i whisper as i shut the door.
i try not to cry as i open my bedroom door, i'm really leaving them tomorrow. and i don't know for how long. i don't know when i'll see them again, but i suck it up. no signs of weakness with negan.
once i see he isn't there, i head to the shower that is attached to the room. after a quick shower and taking my unnecessary, old bandage off, i change and head back to my room.
he still wasn't there so i decide to use this to my advantage. if i leave him no room, he'll leave me alone. or be really mad at me. either way, i get what i want.
i lay down and spread out as much as i can, giving him zero room. then, lights out.
i'm awoken in the middle of the night - well not really, it's whenever negan has decided to come to bed.
"move darlin'."
i groan in response.
"i've decided you only have one more strike, and then i will punish you. don't make me do it now doll. i'm tired so i won't enjoy it, and you really won't enjoy it."
i roll over, i was too tired to form some smart remark.
"good girl," he says.
next day...
when i wake, there's a devil in my bed.