REENA
Three days passed since my accident, pero hindi ko pa nakakausap si Kev. No texts, no calls, no updates. But hey, why am I even waiting? Maybe he just said all those things just to spite me and get a reaction from me, para lang paasahin ako kaya bumabawi siya? If that was the case, he succeded.
Pero wala akong oras para isipin yun, I wanna get busy so I can't think of anything else other than work. Despite Andy's reminder that I should rest for two weeks, I called Jean today to update me on my schedule and engagements since it has already been pushed back for a few days.
I'm sitting on the couch with a coffee in hand while Jean is standing in front of the coffee table updating me.
"You backlogs are pushed next week because I can't align those and resched your shoots this week but are you sure you don't need to rest for at least two more weeks? That's what Andy told me." she asked me.
I shook my head, "I'm bored out of my ass here. I have to work or else it's going to drive me insane." of course boredom is just an excuse but going insane isn't. I might as well go crazy over his words. Damn his effect on me.
Mabuti na lang wala naman akong galos sa mukha, may bukol nga lang ako sa likod ng ulo but that would go unnoticed.
"Okay, well..." she continued to read my sched for this month to me; all the advertisements, magazines and interviews.
She knows better than to convince me to rest because I won't have it. Though my ribs still hurt, painkillers are the key. At hindi ko naman siguro ikamamatay to, I'm not that weak -- kay Kevin lang naman ako mahina. Yes, I have the time to be sarcastic to myself.
--
I'm on my way out for a shoot the next day, wearing a black ribbed dress with a back slit and sneakers. I also wore sunglasses just in case, I don't want the media to roll on me again. Thankfully, my accident wasn't reported and the people at that hospital were discreet even after that bickering with Kevin.
Patungo na ako ng pinto nung tumunog yung lock which means somebody who knows my passcode is here to see me.
And to my surprise, here he is -- wearing his white dress polo shirt folded to his elbows and dark slacks. He must have seen the shocked look on my face.
"Nakakita ka ba ng multo?" salubong niya sa'kin.
Sana nga multo na lang.
"Yep, a ghost from the past. Anong ginagawa mo dito?" wag na tayong magpaliguy-ligoy pa dahil baka mamaya mauto na naman ako neto.
"Where are you going?" tanong niya sabay taas-baba ng tingin sa'kin.
"Work." sabi ko lang at lalabas na sana nung bigla niyang isara at harangan yung pinto.
"You should be in bed." tinungo ng ulo niya yung kwarto ko.
"And you shouldn't be here." I shrugged.
"I thought I made myself clear before? Ganon ba kalakas yung tama sa ulo mo kaya hindi mo ko naintindihan?"
How dare he be rude now?
"Oh, you mean that part where you said I'm not getting out of your life? I got that, but if your goal is my misery, you've succeeded and I've had enough. Kung kulang pa maybe I can pay it in the next life. Now, can you move? I have people waiting for me." tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. Yes, I'm taunting him but he also can't play with my feelings like this. How can he say all those things and not talk to me for days?
If he expected me to believe his words that day and make me fall for those charming, attractive eyes, tall-figure, straight out of the magazine body and face of his; he's got another thing coming.
"Will you stop it?" I hear his warning but I was never the one to back down.
"No." I stand my ground. He tilted his head a little bit to the side as if asking me to tell him why.
But my stubborn ass ignored him to walk past through the door, my hand is on the handle, pulling the door open but he won't budge and my body's too close to him. My strength to pull open this door is making me push him so my back is now on his front. The tingling sensation of his body this close to mine went straight to my center that I had to pull back and let go of the door but before I got away, his arms are now around my waist, he's breathing against my neck.
As much as I want to break free from his hold, my body is betraying me. I've missed his touch so much that my body is aching for it.. I longed for this. But the intensity is too much that if I don't break this lustful air around us, I may lose it soon.
"What the hell do you want?" my breathing is heavy but I delivered my feelings well.
His lips are teasingly brushing my neck as if saying he wants me to go straight to my bedroom and let him do me. Damn, my mind and body is on another level of lust with hopes in breaking my dry spell.
"I want you so will you please stop denying me? I'm tired of fighting this." He's so damn close that if I so much as move, he could kiss that sensitive spot on my collarbone and send a message straight to my center that is aching for him.
He knows my body too much and I won't be able stand it if he continues to tease me like this.
Babae lang tayo, marupok. I wanna kick my subconscious but who the hell am I kidding? It's true.
But no. Even though I'm longing for his touch, I should be sane enough to talk some sense into him. As if that's what you want. My subconscious betrays me but I know better. I'm not going to let him take control and manipulate me like this. I won't be fooled twice so with all my strength I broke free of his hold.
I'm now facing him as he took a step towards me.
"Stop." I raised my hand in front of him.
"What?" His brows creased.
"What is this, Kev?" I gestured between us, "what game are you playing here?"
"What game? I wasn't joking when I told you you're not getting away from me anymore." I search his eyes. And there, I saw a glimpse of sincerity and claim.
"Well not talking to me for days after that obviously didn't send the message. You didn't reach out after that so how am I suppose to believe you now? We're running circles around here and clearly, I know that there's a line I shouldn't cross." I say because I want a confirmation directly from him.
He sighed, "It's over with Sab, Reena. I don't wanna waste any more time not being with you. I wasn't able to contact you for days because I also haven't slept in three days."
Oh. I didn't really pay much attention to his appearance but it's clear as crystal.. he really hasn't slept in days. The dark circles around his eyes is evident, his body is sloppy and he looks... well, tired but with Kevin Villarama, he's always pulled off everything with his look. He still looks tall and handsome as ever, his hair is disheveled but hell, I can make more of a mess of that in bed. Wait, stop Reena. You need to talk with sense not sex.
"Why? What happened to you?" This is new. He usually doesn't get this worked up at work because he's good at what he does. But what do I know? That was before.
KEVIN
"Well.." hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang sabihin sa kanya.
I don't want the guilt to eat her because I know she's suffering enough.
But to hell with it, this started because she didn't tell me the truth in the first place and I don't wanna go down that road again.
So fuck it, I'm gonna tell her. She's gonna find out either way.
I sighed, "I finished the necessary details and plans for the incoming projects in partnership with Sabrina's company before Carlo takes over." I tell her.
Napakunot siya ng noo, "Before Carlo takes over? Why aren't you supervising those projects yourself?"
I examined her expression and I so don't wanna tell her any more but that would only create more trouble for us in the future.
"That's the deal I made with Sabrina. Those projects were brought in because of our engagement but that's not up for negotiation anymore so I made a deal with her. She's gonna talk to her dad regarding the projects if I take a step back and give it to someone else."
"What?" now there's that guilt written all over her face.
"Nothing would go well if I continue to work with my ex on those projects, Reena." I said.
She didn't say anything so I continued.
"Stop feeling guilty for everything. We can't control how we feel. If I could, I would but that's not the case. I can't have it all but I'm sure as hell, you're the one I can't afford to lose." I tell her.
And that is the truth. I can't lose her again and not ever.
She sighed, "But-" I cut her off because if she dwells any more on this, we can't move past it.
I closed the space between us and held her face between my hands.
"Look at me in the eye and tell me you don't want this then I'm out that door and I'll get back with Sab. Is that what you want?" I ask her.
I'm sure as hell I'm not gonna do that but I have to make my point and put an end to her overthinking because right now all I want is to be with her.
She sincerely looked at me with those beautiful hazel eyes that I wanna wake up to every damn day.
She shook her head as her answer and I smiled.
"Good, now. Can I just fucking kiss you?" I didn't wait for her answer because her body's reaction says it all. I closed the space between us and slowly brushed her lips. I can smell the strawberry scent on her as we both close our eyes and I kiss her. Slowly, deeply, and surely. Fuck, I missed her so much.
Our kisses were light and sweet at first but I can't resist anymore. I want her now.
REENA
His kisses started to get rough and needy but hell, I wouldn't have it any other way. I missed him so much that it hurts.
His hands went down my butt and he carried me so my legs are now around his waist as he led us to the bedroom. He laid me down on the bed while still kissing me. I unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his pants. It's been so long and I really wouldn't mind going rough and hard and fast. Thanks to the painkillers, the pain on my broken ribs is taken care of.
It seems like he can sense my hastiness as he smiled through our kiss but doesn't pull away. He reached the hem of my dress and pulled it over my head. I silently pat myself on the back for wearing my pair of black lace underwear. He kissed me again and I pushed his boxer briefs down. I gripped his erection and he hissed. God, I am so wet and so ready for him. I don't even want to do foreplay, I can do that some other time. I just want him inside me now.
And as if he silently agreed, he removed my panties and positioned himself between my legs and before I know it he pushed through me and I felt something inside me rip. It's been so long that it feels like it's my first time again.
I gasped and I closed my eyes. The pain was there just for a second but when he started to move, it has all been replaced by pleasure.
"God, I love that I'm the only man to ever do this to you." I opened my eyes and I see him smiling. His eyes is fixated on me letting me know how much he wants me and how hot he is for me. Damn, his body is really one to die for.
"Oh, shut up." I said and kissed him as he continued to move on top of me.
We were both relentless and gasping. It's rough but I like it. I love how he makes me feel so missed. His hands are all over me. He held my hips to keep me in position. He went rough and before I know it, I came. After I did, he didn't last long as he released inside me.
He's sprawled on top of me without pulling out.
"Fuck, that was.." I don't let him finish.
"Yeah, it was." I giggled and hugged him, "I missed you."
We stayed in bed for a while then Kevin dozed off, he must be really tired.
My phone rang from the living room so I picked up his shirt to wear and went to answer it.
Tumatawag si Jean, "Reena! Where were you?! The director was so pissed. I've been texting and calling you kanina pa."
Shit. "Sorry, uh.." I wanted to explain but I'm not really in the mood to divulge everything to her right now so.. "I was feeling dizzy kaninang paalis na ako that's why I stayed in bed." I lied.
She said she convinced the director to reschedule the shoot and made an excuse that I had an emergency. She can't make an excuse regarding my health because it was never exposed to the media. I'm frustrated because this is my first time bailing but hey, I broke my dry spell today so I guess it's worth it.
I apologized again, told her I would make it up to her and hang up.
It was already five in the afternoon so I decided to make dinner.
I'll just wake him up in a few hours. When I finished cooking, I decided to watch New Amsterdam on Netflix while waiting for Kev to wake up.
Hindi ko napansin na nakatulog na pala ako habang nanunuod nung may nag-doorbell. Tatayo na sana ko nung si Kevin na yung nagbukas. I checked the time on my phone and it's already eight in the evening.
"Good evening sir. I brought your laptop and the remaining paper works from the office and here's the thing you asked." it's his secretary, if my memory served me right her name is Maris, I think. May inabot siya kay Kevin na folders with his laptop and a small paper bag.
"Thanks." he nodded, "Send me my sched for next week."
Nagpaalam na yung secretary niya saka niya sinara yung pinto.
"I cooked. Let's have dinner?" I smiled at him.
Lumapit siya sakin at yumakap. "Yeah, I saw. You made chicken cacciatore. Smells good."
Wow. I almost forgot how it felt to be hugged by him like this. My heart melts at the affection.
"I could get used to this." I said and wrapped my arms around his neck.
"You can complain for all I care if I overdo it but either way I won't stop doing it." he said as he buried his face on my neck.
Hinigpitan ko pa yung yakap ko sa kanya, "I ain't complaining." I smiled.
After we ate, I put the utensils in the dishwasher while he's working in the living room. Still the same workaholic Kevin.
I made coffee for the both of us and joined him in the living room.
"Here." inabot niya sa'kin yung paper bag na binigay ng secretary niya kanina.
I was drinking from my cup when I opened it.
Kamuntik ko ng mabuga yung kapeng iniinom ko sa nakita ko. Napaubo ako dahil sa naiwang kape sa lalamunan ko.
It's an emergency morning pill.
He raised his brows at me in confusion, "I'm under the impression that with your career going on, you can't afford to get pregnant yet." he said.
I haven't touched that topic since I heard the news from my OB-gyne that year. I also didn't tell him because we broke up but now..
"Well.. yes, but-" I wanted to make up some lie or an excuse, just anything really but nothing comes to mind except for the fact that I may never get pregnant in the future and I don't really know how he's going to react. I know for a fact that he's not fond of kids -- I've seen him with Niel but I think that's a different kind of issue to being a dad.
"May problema ba?" he asked me. I know he can feel that I'm being hesitant.
How do I tell him this? I don't even know how he's gonna take it. So I'm taking the long way. Yep, prolonging the agony.
"Don't you wanna have kids?"
"I didn't know you're already thinking about the future." he said smugly but not in a bad way.
Oh, so he's thinking of the future. That's a hint.
"No, I mean not now, but do you wanna have kids?" I asked again.
I need to know so I could figure out a way to tell him.
"I was never fond of kids. I was an only child, so.." he shrugged, "But if it's with you, then yes. We've come a long way, Ree. Having a family with you in the future is a given." he answered.
"Oh." I nodded but deep inside, this issue is eating me alive. I'm already starting to picture him walking away from me, again. I don't know how to handle this issue this time because this is our future and it could break us. It already broke me three years ago but I've made my peace with it. If I can't have a kid on my own then that's fine with me but now that I'm telling him, I'm not so sure if he's going to be okay with it.
There are one too many ways to tell him but I could also not tell him. But that would be unfair. I lied to him before and I don't want an additional plate on my shortcomings.
So I decided to do it the fastest way but it's also the hardest way.
Fuck it. Let's get it done, Reena.
I talked fast and precise, "I can't get pregnant, Kev." I broke the news to him.
Hindi ako handa sa reaksyon niya kaya hindi ko siya tinignan. I don't exactly know how he would react but I don't wanna see it.
"What do you mean?" his voice was curious and confused at the same time.
I slowly looked at him and met his eyes because if I can't look at him straight when I tell him then I may not be able to gather up the courage to go on if just in case he slips through me again. "I may not get pregnant no matter how hard I'll try. It's not impossible but it's a long way." I confessed.
I almost wished I didn't look at him. His eyes are just full of confusing emotions. I've known him and loved him for so long and this look may as well be one of the most hurtful emotions that he's given me. He looked sad, disappointed and lost. I feel like I just took something precious from him. I feel like I've robbed him of his chance of a happy ending.
He's not even saying anything and that alone scares me even more.
I'm not mad because he's just being honest and open about his feelings right now but I can't help but be upset. Before, he didn't even want kids but of course, things could change over the years and judging by his reaction he's clearly changed. I can see it. He's now foreseeing his future and I can't blame him for feeling like I disappointed him in some way.
But I want him to talk about it. I want him to tell me how he feels and how we go from here.
"Please say something.. just anything.." I plead.
"I.." he cleared his throat, "I'm sorry." he apologized.
"Sorry for what? You're not at fault here. Gusto ko lang malaman kung anong nararamdaman mo. Talk to me."
"Since when have you known?" he asked me.
"When you arranged that appointment with the OB a few years back." I answered.
"That long?" his voice sounded like he was betrayed. Maybe because I could've told him before and I didn't. Siguro iniisip niya ngayon na kung sinabi ko sa kanya noon pa hindi na umabot sa ganito and right there and then he would've already forgotten about me and went all happy ending with Sabrina. Maybe I just got in the way again?
"Yeah. I didn't get the chance to tell you before because we broke up but now I think that I should because I want you to consider all the factors or your options..." I explained.
Options? Seriously, Reena?
"Okay.." his tone doesn't sit well with me. He looked down, taking it all in, processing everything that I just told him.
I pursed my lips, "I'm sorry.." I don't even know what I'm apologizing for -- the fact that I may not be able to get pregnant or what. I mean how was not being able to get pregnant my fault? What did I ever do that was so wrong to deserve this kind of ridiculousness? I'm a woman, shouldn't it have been natural for me to get pregnant and give birth? There are a lot of women who get pregnant by accident and do abortion so why can't they be the one to bear this kind of shit? I just don't understand.
I can't even bear to be in the same room as him right now. I wanna get out of here. As if the heavens is suddenly listening to my cry of help, Jean was calling me on my phone. I didn't bother to excuse myself from him. I immediately stood up and hurriedly went to my bedroom to answer her call.
I cleared my throat and answered.
"Are you still dizzy? I'm sorry but we need to meet up with Sandra. She's in Manila right now." she explained.
"Uh.. yes, I'm okay now. I'll just wash up and meet you. Send me the address." I ended the call.
I'm desperate to get away from Kevin right now so may as well be a blessing in disguise. Kung sana nabiyayaan ako ng kapasidad manganak eh di sana hindi ko kailangan ng ganitong excuse para lang umalis.
I washed up, got dressed and went out of my room.
Pagkalabas ko, nasa balcony siya and he's talking to someone on the phone.
I'm surprised that he's still here, I may have half expected him to go. He was shocked and I really understand his feelings. I even got drunk the day I found out about it. Just picture this; I've known all along and the least I could've done was tell him the moment I knew but I chickened out and I chose to hide it. Not even Andy knows because I can't even face the reality that I may never get pregnant.
But I guess we both need the space to think right now. I don't wanna drown myself in misery but all I could do is smile sadly to myself.
Why is it that the moment I think I found my happy place, it suddenly comes crushing down on me? I can already feel him slowly slipping away when I haven't even had enough time to get everything back. And the worst part is, it's beyond my control because even though I love him so damn much, I can't bring those pieces back together alone.
So much for I can't have it all but I'm sure as hell, you're the one I can't afford to lose.
Inantay ko siyang matapos sa phone bago ako nagsalita. Nasa balcony pa rin siya but his back is facing me and he may not have noticed me dahil may kausap siya kanina.
I cleared my throat and he turned to face me, "I have to go, the director of my agency is here and she wants to meet up."
Kumunot yung noo niya, "Hindi pa tayo tapos mag-usap, can't you meet her tomorrow?"
"She's the director of my agency, Kev. I can't just say no." It's the truth though.
"Importante rin naman tong pinag-uusapan natin, you can't just go." of course, he's not backing down but I know him better than that. He may have claimed that I don't know him at all but I know.. if I stay now, we're both just ticking bombs waiting to explode and I don't want that. Kung mag-uusap man kami, gusto ko yung nakapag-isip na kaming dalawa.
I sighed, "You need time. We both need the space. I'm not backing out of this conversation but I'm asking you to give it some time. Let it sink in first then we'll talk." I tell him.
I didn't wait for his answer because all I needed was his silence as his affirmation and with that I got my car keys and left.