Present
"There is the Birthday boy! Come here Henry!" Chloe cheered, falling around my neck and hugging me. I was surprised by her sudden attack, but I hugged her back, chuckling a little awkwardly and looking at the people behind her, which were Soo and Thomas, the rest would probably come soon anyway. Chloe pulled away and next was Soo, who hugged me, handing me a present. "Here Henry, for you! Chloe picked it out so it is perfect...just like her" Soo smiled shyly and I chuckled, taking the wrapped box out of her hands. "Thanks you two" I smiled, laying it down on the table next to the rest of the presents.
"Uhh a chocolate fountain! Come on Soo!" Chloe exclaimed, taking her...friend? Girlfriend? Taking her Soo by the hand and pulling her into the apartment, letting me greet Thomas, who was also handing me a present, which very obviously was a bottle of wine, but that was nice. "I think you can guess what it is. Anyway, I still had it and it's a good one so... happy birthday Henry!" Thomas chuckled, also hugging me and I smiled, briefly hugging him back and then letting him push past me and into the apartment as well, where the other guests were already having fun I suppose.
Yes I was having a birthday party. Not my idea...but Josh's.
He insisted. It was my twenty-second birthday and Josh wanted to throw me a big birthday party in our apartment with all of my friends and colleges, celebrating me and my birthday. I wasn't entirely sure why he would want that, it wasn't like he celebrated my twenty-first birthday much, I mean he took me to a restaurant, but then he slapped me when I didn't seem happy and grateful enough, so why would he do so now? As an apology? No, that wasn't Josh's style, he would just buy me an expensive present or take me out for dinner or something, not invite strangers into our home, where he beat me up almost daily. So why?
To show off what a good boyfriend he was. Yes, he wanted to have people on his side. I mean, he had already Milo on his side, so why not win everybody else I knew over as well? He wanted to show off our good and happy relationship, where he would organise a whole party just for me and make me feel like the most important person in the world. Even when the reality would look very different, he just needed the public to believe different for one night, so he could have even more control over me. Because if everybody would tell me what a great guy he was, maybe I would believe it as well? Maybe he thought that then I was more bound to him, because even if I would tell somebody about what he did to me, nobody would believe me. And he was kind of right about that.
So yeah, I did not feel happy about this party at all. I didn't feel good, I felt fucking horrible, especially since I knew that to some extend I had to pretend to be happy and grateful about Josh for a whole evening in our own home, where I had bled and cried so many times on this very floor. But there was nothing I could do about it, I just kind of had to pull through this, because otherwise I would regret it very much once everybody would have left. But for now I had to face many hours of people talking to me and congratulating me on my great great boyfriend that I had and acting happy about all of this. But what else was new?
When the doorbell rang again and I opened it, I looked at Milo and Adrian, who were apparently having a heated discussion. "Adrian you have to be fucking with me, you can not ask me to believe that you think that Mickey MOUSE is a fucking Seal with ears, are you fucking with me??" Milo asked, losing his mind with Adrian apparently, who held a Micky mouse stuffed animal in his arms. "Apparently you have never seen a mouse, this is not a mouse it's a seal. Here Henry, for you. Micky Mouse the seal, so you know that you can still be child, even if you are getting older" Adrian said, handing me the stuffed animal and I raised my brows, very surprised by all of this and lost of words but that was Adrian.
"Oh ah thank you Adrian that is very...sweet of you" I smiled and Adrian just nodded at me, before he spotted something in the apartment and I thought it would be the chocolate fountain but he just said "Uh olives!" Adrian pushed past me and Milo groaned, throwing his head back in agony and I chuckled at seeing him in his misery. "God he is killing me! Ugh Henry either I will get shit-faced tonight or you have to stay by my side and save me from Adrian and his weird mind" Milo whined, making me laugh. Milo chuckled as well, before he stepped forward, hugging me tightly and that was the first hug I actually, really really craved today. My heart was beating a little faster now that Milo was so close and I didn't dare to think about the reason for that, since I kind of already knew it...
"Happy birthday Henry..." Milo said, hugging me and I hugged him back, even closing my eyes and enjoying this, since I was facing the door and nobody, especially not Josh could see that and get suspicious. I just fell into Milo's embrace, loving the feeling of having him hold me. When he pulled away and looked at me, I showed him a weak smile, looking into his eyes before I smiled "Thank you Milo...thanks." Milo simply nodded, seeming happy to see me happy, before handing me a big box wrapped in wrapping paper and I chuckled, shaking my head "Oh you shouldn't have Milo, honestly."
"No no no, I really should have. I hope you will like it, but open it in peace later" Milo smiled and I nodded, just as the door bell rang again. "I will go and check the party out" Milo said, leaving me alone and when I opened the door again, I looked into the eyes of my little brother. Yes, Josh invited him as well, mostly because apparently my parents were gone for the week and he could leave the house and visit us for a few hours. "Oliver!" I exclaimed, always excited to see him. God if you would have told me three years ago, that I would be immensely happy and excited about seeing my brother, I would have died of laughter and then brought you into an asylum, because you are crazy. But now it really did make my day.
"Happy Birthday Henry" Oliver smiled shyly and I pulled him into my arms, getting a hug from him back. When I pulled away, he smiled at me and glanced past me a little awkwardly, looking at the many people standing in my apartment, who were talking and laughing with each other. "Don't worry, they are all very nice, but you can stay by my side, or talk to these guys, Adrian is a little...special, but also very nice. Maybe Thomas and you would get along?" I asked, since he looked a little lost and maybe even scared, but my brother only chuckled.
"I'm not a kid anymore Henry, I can look after myself. Go have fun, this is your party" he smiled, before handing me a present. "It's a video game...I mean, you never really liked to play, but maybe if I come over more often we can play together, I don't know just...here" Oliver said, and I took the bag from him, looking inside and yes indeed it was a video game. Yes I had never been the biggest fan of those, mostly because it was my brother that played them all day long in his room, but for him I would try it. And though it sounded nice to have him around more often, it also scared me, because Josh would be around as well...
"Thank you, that is really thoughtful of you" I smiled and Oliver nodded, before walking inside while I closed the door again. "Hey Josh!" I heard my brother grin and when I turned around, I saw Josh smiling as he exclaimed "There is the man, up here!" Oliver giggled, before high-fiving my boyfriend and running into the apartment to hopefully not confuse the cocktails for the none-alcoholic juices. I hated seeing them together, because although I knew that Josh would not drop me to get together with my brother, which would be illegal and weird, and then abuse him, I still did not trust him. Just like with Milo. I just didn't want him to hurt the two people that were important to me. That I really really cared for.
"There he is" Josh smiled as he walked up to me and hugged my side, kissing my cheek. I leaned into his kiss, just so the many people in our apartment, some which I didn't even know, but were apparently Josh's colleagues, wouldn't think something was up, ask Josh and then he would make me pay in private later on. "Are you enjoying your party so far?" he asked, rubbing my arm and grinning at me, but I was well aware, that some people were looking at us and that was why he was extra nice right now, Jesus fucking christ. I hated pretending almost as much as begging for his forgiveness when I had done nothing wrong or even if I had...
"Yes, it's wonderful, thank you" I smiled, even though I really didn't want this. I used to love parties, not necessarily hosted for me, but still, I used to love the feeling they gave me, especially when I could get wasted, but I never asked for this party. This was...weird. It felt wrong. Maybe because what we portrayed or tried to portray was completely fake and that hurt even more or it was just because I wasn't the type to crave this kind of attention, especially in this home anymore. I don't know, but I just didn't want these people in this apartment, especially on my birthday. I wanted to be out with...Milo. No, my perfect birthday would be with Milo in his apartment and my brother would come over...that would be perfect. But I could not tell that to Josh.
"Yeah I thought you would love it. I mean you deserve to have all of your friends, your colleagues and some of mine here to celebrate this day with you. I think everybody is here now, do you want to open your presents then?" Josh asked and I nervously smiled at him, very uncomfortable by all of this. "Ah no it's fine, I will do it later. I think I will just go get a drink and...go socialize with everybody" I said, before leaning up and kissing Josh's lips, who nodded, giving me a smile as well. "Alright, but don't wander off, I have a surprise for you later" he said and I just smiled, while I thought: Please god no, not another surprise.
I've had enough of those today and it confused the hell out of me, honestly. At first in the morning it knocked on our door and there was a huge bundle of flowers being basically thrown at my face. Josh had ordered them for me and he was so excited when he saw me with them. Then, when he brought me to the company, he stopped at my favourite café and bought me a bunch of sweets and drinks, which I didn't even need, since I didn't really eat breakfast. When he later picked me up for lunch, he had set up a private table in fucking Central Park, yes, where they brought us food from my favourite restaurant and I was so confused why he was doing all of this. I had known about the party, but it was still so huge and that was surprise enough. So I didn't need another one.
Oh but if you thought that he was only going to be nice to me today, don't be mistaken. Just yesterday he thought I wasn't excited enough for the party and so he had slapped me and called me a bunch of ugly names, just today he was relatively nice, but I was waiting for the moment when he wouldn't be anymore. I knew that something was coming, he was way too nice to me and if he was nice without trying to apologize, he was most likely planning something worse, something that would fuck me up more than a simple beating so...yay. Colour me excited.
I walked over to the open bar, yes we had a bar in the house with a bartender, I know, what the fuck, where I ordered myself an extra large cocktail, just when I noticed somebody standing next to me. "Are you that nervous about your birthday, because Henry, if you are scared of getting old, you look like a baby in my eyes, honestly, Josh might be a pedophile" Milo joked and I chuckled, gently hitting him in the side with my elbow, before taking my large drink and tasting it. "Whats going on?" Milo asked, the smile on his lip now genuine and he showed me that expression, that he just knew that something was going on. And once again, I could not tell him why. I would have loved to let him in, I craved that kind of connection and...intimacy I guess with him, but it was not possible.
"No, I'm fine, I just...there are so many people here you know? I like being by myself a little better, but it's ok, I'll be fine" I said and Milo frowned a little, seeming concerned. "Are you overwhelmed? Do you want to get out of here? Because this is your day Henry, we can do whatever you want or if you want to be alone, I could act as if I was choking on an olive and you could sneak out, whatever you need" Milo said, gently laying a hand on my back and fucking hell, if Milo was my boyfriend, he would have not done this party, at least not without consulting me first. But that was a lost cause, because ...I was together with Josh. At least for a while until I could get away. One day I would get away...And maybe then...i-if Milo was desperate enough, maybe he would consider me?
"That's very sweet that you are offering to choke on an Olive for me, but first of all, I think Adrian ate them all already and I'm really actually fine. At least after this drink" I smiled and though Milo didn't look one hundred percent convinced, I just threw him a look with a small smile, that should show him, that it was ok.
But just when he wanted to say something again, we heard somebody clinging a glass and my boyfriend calling "Can I get everybody's attention please? Hello? Thank you." Oh lord. We all turned towards him, who stood at the end of the apartment, a glass of champagne in his hand, looking at the crowd. Great.
"Hello everybody and thank you so much for coming today and celebrating with me the birthday of the most wonderful and important person in my life. Henry, would you come up here for a moment?" Josh asked, looking at me and I bet I was beet red at that point. Yes for a guy who performed in front of thousands of people for a living, I really hated crowds, a lot, but here I couldn't hide behind my dancing, I would just be myself and the attention was on me. I hated that. And Josh knew that, but apparently he just didn't care about what I wanted. Like always.
I walked up to the front a little hesitantly and Milo gave me a supportive pat on the shoulder, but I just didn't want to go. But I had to. So I walked up to Josh, who laid an arm around me, looking so fucking happy. "There he is. I'm so lucky that I get to be here for Henry today, all of you are in my humble opinion. Because this guy is the funniest, kindest, smartest and most beautiful human being I know to exist in this entire world. When I met Henry over two years ago, I knew that I needed him in my life that very second. And when through unfortunate circumstances he had to live with me after just two months, we were both really scared. That that could burn the relationship. But nope, we made it, together, and now I can stand here with him in my arms and show off what a lucky guy I am" Josh smiled and everybody laughed at that. I smiled as well, but I prayed him to be done with his little speech, so I could get back to getting drunk and be happy before he would make me pay later on.
"No but seriously, I am so happy to have him in my life, because I couldn't imagine one without him. He makes me happy, he makes me smile everyday and he cares for me and let's me take care of him. Without him, I would be nothing and it's the other way around. I am so happy to be with him and I seriously don't ever want that to change. So..." Josh said, letting go of me and searching in his pocket for something, making me look at him. What had he planned? But suddenly he pulled something out of his pocket, that made me freeze completely. Like seriously, I think my heart stopped beating for a second.
"Henry Holland, love of my life. In front of all of these people, your friends, your colleagues, your family...I would like to ask you one important thing" Josh smiled, before he went down on one knee and surprised and excited gasps made their appearance around the room. Fuck. No no no no no please no-
"Would you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?" Josh asked, a big hopeful smile on his lips, as he opened the little blue box, revealing a golden ring with small diamonds in it. Oh fuck.
No....No...No no no I-I couldn't- I-....I-I couldn't marry Josh!! That meant forever! Marriage was forever, except if you get a divorce, but that would still take many years before Josh would consider that appropriate and so I-I would be fucking married to my abuser, I would be married to Josh oh no oh fuck no no no please I-I didn't want that I just didn't- I couldn't no I couldn't do this, I couldn't marry Josh, I couldn't- oh god oh fuck no I-I....I-....
....B-But....But I-I had to. I-....I knew that I had to say yes. Because if I wouldn't say yes, right now, in front of all these people, humiliating Josh for life...he would kill me. Maybe even in front of everybody, but I would most definitely not survive saying no to him, denying him in front of everybody. And when I looked down at Josh, that smile on his lips, I saw something in his eyes. He knew that I couldn't say no.
He knew that I couldn't say no now in front of these people, or simply just to him. He knew it and that was why he planned it. This would bind me to him forever, this would make me stay with him until the day I died, or better, the day that he would kill me. I had to say yes...but I just didn't want to. It hurt, it made me feel sick, like I just rather would have died in this very moment and tears rose in my eyes, but not for the reason that everybody thought. But it changed nothing...I still had to answer.
"Yes" I whispered, because my whole body screamed no and the crowd erupted into cheers as Josh got back up, a big smile on his lips, as he put the ring on my finger and took my head between his hands, kissing me. I was trembling slightly, trying to get it under control, as a tear ran down my cheek and I just felt like dying. Maybe I should have said no, just so he could kill me right now, because living did not seem so desirable anymore. Josh hugged me, as everybody applauded us and he whispered in my ear "Now you will be mine forever." He sounded genuinely happy, but his words...his words were evil.
"Yes" I just choked, before pressing out a smile when he pulled away again, kissing my lips one more time. Oh shit oh fuck oh shit. While everybody walked towards me and mostly Josh, congratulating us, I managed to sneak away, because I felt like throwing up. And so, without anybody noticing, because the attention was on Josh, I snuck into the bathroom, falling to my knees and emptying my stomach into the bowl. Fuck...Fuck I was so done. I-I was engaged to Josh, I was engaged to him and he would hit me and rape me and slap me and call me names until the day he would kill me a-and- fuck. I threw up everything that I had in my stomach and when I was apparently done, I spit in the bowl one last time, but I waited a little longer, because maybe more would come out.
"Henry? Everything ok?" I heard Milo, who suddenly stood in the door, looking shocked as he saw me kneeling on the floor, obviously having just thrown up. He looked concerned, but I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to see him, I didn't want to be reminded that now I definitely never ever could be with him, that I was fucking engaged. I was just not in the mood to have somebody care for me and so I leaned forward, so I could reach the open door, slamming it shut in front of Milo's face, while looking at him with a dark look in my eyes. With the door closed, I leaned back over the bowl, going for another round of throwing up.
A few moments later, there was a knock on the door and I groaned in agony, calling with slightly raspy voice, due to just having thrown up "Go away Milo!"
"It's me" Josh called and my eyes widened. Fuck...oh fuck if he saw that I was feeling bad because of the engagement, he would kill me, he would kill me and so I quickly cleaned my mouth, flushing the toilet and calling "O-One moment please!" I got up and washed my face with some water, cleaning it, but it was still red and my nose wouldn't stop running but I quickly opened the door, just to see Josh and besides him Milo. Ah fuck.
"Hey you ok? Milo got me because he said he saw you were sick" Josh said, gently brushing over my cheeks, but his eyes, that were only facing me, were sparkling like they sometimes did when he was angry. So I knew that I had to be careful, because he was sensing that something was up. "Ah y-yes I'm fine, my stomach was hurting all day, I think the shellfish from lunch is acting up a bit, but I think I'm fine now, sorry for running off I just didn't want to throw up in front of everybody" I chuckled nervously and Josh smiled, but only Milo looked genuinely still concerned.
"Ok, but only when you are feeling better. Don't overdo it my dear fiancé" Josh smiled, before going in and hugging me, whispering in my ear "Get yourself together Henry and don't fuck this evening up for me." When he pulled away, his smile was back and I just nodded a little nervously, before I said "I will be right out with you." I cupped his cheek and Josh took my hand, pressing a kiss to the palm, before he left and I closed the door again, just in case Milo would see right through me and interrogate me, because I was in no condition to lie very well right now.
Fuck...I was engaged. I would marry Josh and then I would have to stay with him forever. This was it...I always thought he was just waiting for me to pay off my dept with him for everything that he has given me, I thought that was all he wanted from me and then he would get himself a new toy and toss me aside, but no...I was wrong. Josh would never let me go, never. I was bound to him until death. And that became so fucking painfully obvious now, that looking myself in the mirror with my hair kind of wet from having splashed some water in my face, I looked at a broke guy, whose days were numbered. It was like I had been kidnapped, but was kept in a glass cage in Times Square, with people just passed by instead of helping me. I couldn't ask them for help, but still...no, I couldn't fight this, I might just had to accept it.
I pulled myself together as best as I could, after quickly brushing my teeth and when I came out of the bathroom again, Josh claimed me basically for the rest of the night, as everybody came and congratulated us on our engagement. My friends from the company, Chloe, Soo, Thomas and even Adrian came and told me how lucky I was, that I was marrying my sugar daddy, but they doubted that my hulk of a boyfriend would die before me, so that was a waste. Of course they were joking, but it was hard to laugh about this matter. I managed to do so, but I didn't want to. Still, they only meant well and Adrian seemed like he was the least happy, the way he looked at Josh made me fear that he knew something, but I think he just hated the guy for everything that he represented. Couldn't blame him there.
Then Oliver congratulated me and even said that maybe after the wedding we could move into a house and once he would be old enough he could live with us and Josh seemed excited by that thought, but it just sounded like my own personal nightmare. Not because I didn't want to live with my brother, I just didn't want to get him into danger and my boyfriend-...well...fiancé now I guess, was exactly that. I knew that too well didn't I. But Oliver seemed genuinely happy and not weirded out at all that I was...that I was apparently getting married to a guy and that was a nice thought I guess, if you forgot for a second who I was...going to marry. Fuck...I hated this thought oh so very much I wanted to throw up again.
And then there was Milo, who genuinely seemed excited for me and hugged me and told me, that he was happy that I was happy, but of course he was still concerned about my health from early and I just had to tell him that I really was fine, maybe it were the nerves. And Milo accepted that. It hurt. It hurt to look at him when I was wearing this ring, this ring that was the beginning of the end for me. It hurt to know that I could never kiss Milo again, that he could never make me happy or let me make him happy. That that was over...I didn't want to think about it too much and I managed to do so...until everybody left.
When the party was over at like three am and everybody was gone, I stayed up and opened my presents. Josh was too tired and drunk to argue with me and so he just laid in bed and told me to open his tomorrow, when he could see. But judging by the fact that it was a envelope, I knew that it were plane tickets. I took my time opening everybody's gift and some were really nice, like that Soo and Chloe got me a karaoke machine, a small one but still it was cool. Some were lame like basically all of the ones I got from Josh's colleagues, who just got me coupons or soap for some reason, maybe they thought because I was gay I would like that.
Lastly I opened up Milo's present. And sitting there on the floor of my apartment in the darkness with only the lights from the outside shining in, I wanted to cry and so I did. I took out the book out of the packaging, feeling the fabric of the old paper beneath my fingers. Whinnie the Pooh was one of my favourite books as a kid. I know basically every kid loved that bear, but to me he was special, my mom literally had to read it to me every day or else I would refuse to fall asleep. To me the story of spending your time with the people that you love, having to go through adventures together and at the end of the day, never being alone...I loved that thought.
But when I was thrown out, of course I didn't take that book with me. My parents probably burned it. I told Milo about it once, but not even really seriously, I just briefly mentioned it and he...he got it for me as a present. It seemed to be a very old version, one of the first ones probably and that's why I loved it even more. I looked at the washed out drawings of Whinnie the Pooh and I felt the tears burn in my eyes. It was like I was looking at my lost childhood, my lost self and...Milo. I looked at the book, before pressing it against my chest and looking out the window with tears rolling down my cheeks. The ring suddenly hurt on my finger, even though it wasn't too small.
I just wanted to be free...to be free and be with Milo...please
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So...Henry is engaged to Josh...I feel like you all hate me right now, ok listen, calm down everybody lets just get one thing straight here! I'm not. Well, that's all, please don't kill me, that would be awfully inconvenient for me and have a great day nevertheless!!
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