Y/N POV
"Ok... I'll tell you." Eren said.
I was getting nervous.
We've never spoken of high school.
I never heard of the aftermath.
I'm ready to hear it, but at the same time... I'm scared to hear it all.
Hear his side of it all.
"I remember when I kissed you at the party. I don't know why I did honestly. I had been around another girl all night, but something about you made me want to follow you into that room. I was drunk and wasn't thinking straight. Thinking back on it now, it was a horrible thing to do. All the times I kissed you forcefully wasn't ok. And I'm sorry about that." He said while looking down and away from me.
"The next day, I had told Mikasa that I kissed you. I don't know what came over her, but she decided to say that I should get close to you and date you, then humiliate you in front of the school. That you deserved to be unhappy. And at that point I agreed with her. I don't know why I thought it was a great idea but I liked it and decided I was going to go along with it. I was getting bored with life, I wanted something new to do. And this was it. At one point she said that I should just end up sleeping with you and ditching you. That felt wrong to do, I couldn't bring myself to do that."
I was feeling a type of way.
Why did he hate me so much?
"That night that I stood you up, I had no intentions of showing up, but Armin caught me and got really mad and forced me to go and apologize. Saying that I made you wait long enough. I only felt guilty that I got caught, not because I actually stood you up. And for that I am sorry too. You didn't deserve that treatment. I just needed to spice things up in my life. I was getting bored. I didn't have any intentions of talking to you after that night, but then both Armin and Historia got on my case about it."
That still doesn't explain why he hated me so much.
I started thinking back about how excited I was to go to that place... Amy's place was the name right?
I can't even go to it. During my college years, the first time we came to visit my dad, Hanji was looking for places to eat at and that place was once of the options and I declined and we decided on another place.
She wanted to surprise us with a place and I refused to go in and pretty much caused a small scene.
Great times.
"For a while, I felt like I was just apologizing to you whenever we spoke. and that one time that you smacked me, that was called for. I shouldn't of had kissed you or touched your thigh. I was just so dumb. As time went on, I forced myself to hang out with you. For a while I didn't enjoy it, but then I started easing into it. I was having fun, I felt like I was able to let loose. And you were showing me a side I didn't know about you. I was liking that side of you. I found myself getting frustrated at the thought of being happy with you. I didn't want to accept that you were beginning to become important to me and that you were making me soft for you. I... I fell hard and I was just frustrated with myself."
So he did like me.
But why did it have to be in such a cruel way.
Why did it have to be under those circumstances for him to find something to like about me?
"When we went to the fair, I had such a great time. It was a little fake, but I did end up enjoying my time being there with you. I got frustrated then too, but I had fun. I understand why Jean and your mom hated me. They knew nothing good would come out of our relationship. But I wanted you to see they were wrong, even if they were right. You know the audio that Mikasa played at the winter ball?"
Sadly I do remember it.
I hated that so much.
I just nodded lightly at him.
"That audio is from the day after the fair. We had been drinking that day and I spoke unconsciously. The day before, she said she was going to make a scene, that's why we were able to look past that and hang out the next day. And then you told me about how you didn't have that good of a day and honestly, it bothered me a little, but then I got over it."
So he played me so much.
And I didn't even know.
"But then when it came to Jean... that really pissed me off. I couldn't stand that he spoke to you that way and made you that upset. I couldn't control myself. But then you... you looking so distraught and upset that I went to go confront Jean, that hurt me really badly. I couldn't stand the thought of me making you upset. I didn't want to make you anymore upset than you already were. Then we left for the rest of the day. And we had our adventure. I had such a great time, seeing how your face lit up seeing the paint in target and seeing the candy store, it warmed my heart. I couldn't believe you were making me feel that way. I was happy to be around you."
So that's when he was genuinely happy to be with me?
I felt his hand rest on my cheek and wipe away a tear I didn't even know was there.
"Please don't cry." He said softly.
"I didn't even know I was crying. I'm sorry."
I didn't flinch at his contact.
It felt almost natural.
Almost as if I wanted to lean into his hand more.
Being here with him felt somewhat natural.
I was still hurt, but I had Eren here.
I still felt a sense of comfort.
He continued to speak.
"I wanted to be around you constantly. Then as we got closer to the Winter Ball... Mikasa got weird and wanted to continue with that plan. She didn't accept that I was beginning to fall for you. She said that I either tell you and break up with you, or she was going to do it her way. Thinking back I should have just done it. Not in front of everyone but in a private setting. I just didn't know how to do it. I was scared of you breaking up with me because I had become so fond of you. I didn't want to let go of you. I should have never let Mikasa humiliate you like that. I... I'm sorry for letting that happen. I don't talk to her anymore. After graduation, I let her go. She really tried over the summer to stay in my life, but I just couldn't have her around. I hated her for what she did... but I was at fault too."
He still held so much hurt in his eyes.
"I wanted to explain everything to you. That's why I had my doubts on going to the Winter Ball. I knew Mikasa had something planned. I just didn't know how to tell you. I was scared to tell you. When I went home that night, I was a mess... I trashed me room. I threw everything and anything that I could get my hands on... I punched a hole in my wall. For a week I was arguing with my parents badly, it was one thing after another. And soon enough I just broke. I broke down mid argument and had to tell them everything that had happened. They were both very disappointed, but they accepted it and moved on with their life. They still gave me their support. I was miserable. I wasn't eating properly or showering. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Everyone tried to forget about it... but I couldn't. I just felt wrong being happy. I didn't deserve to be happy after what I did."
He looks so sad.
I wasn't sure how I was feeling.
So many new emotions were arising.
Some negative and one or two positive.
But I couldn't bring myself to say I hated him.
Even if that's what I wanted to believe, I couldn't hate him.
"I felt terrible for making you leave. I was beating myself up about it. Historia was the only one to truly listen to me. She wanted to hear what was going on. She wanted to hear my side and why I did what I did. She judged me, but she was still there for me. Then there was a time when nobody knew where you went. There were some rumors that floated around. Some saying that your parents sent you to a different school, some that you went to go live with another family member, some saying that you offed yourself, there was a range of them. Nobody knew. Jean and Historia really tried to stay in contact with you. The day that Jean got a text from you, Historia told me about it. She approached me really happy saying that you responded finally and that all you said was "I'm Alive." She was so happy to hear that you were ok. Each time you responded to Jean she would tell me."
So she kept him in the loop.
I'm happy she did.
I'm happy she didn't let him suffer alone.
"Before I left for the military, I came here and wanted to apologize to you and your parents. For all the stress I put you guys under and all the pain as well. When I came I found out that you were starting your second year of college, that you dropped out, got your GED and just left. You're dad looked heart broken, but he still looked supportive. I learned that your parents got divorced and that your mom blamed herself a lot for the way things turned out. Not only with me, but with you running away. I learned that you didn't text often. So your dad would wonder if you were ok or if you were eating or making friends. I didn't get the forgiveness from your dad, which I didn't expect, and I didn't explain much of my side to him, but he wished me luck in the military and I left. I didn't know what college you went to or how far it was. I told Historia about it and she was proud that it was your second year. She was sad though that you left."
My dad never told me that Eren stopped by.
I don't blame him for not telling me.
I don't think I would have told me either.
"So I left, and the military was ok, I just didn't have my head in the right place. You were constantly on my mind. Did you eat that day? Were you making friends? Were you happy? Did moving away help you? There were all these questions I had in my head that I couldn't let go of. I couldn't see myself in another relationship. I didn't think I was in the right mental state to do so. I slept with one girl but broke it off immediately. You were the only one on my mind. I couldn't shake you away. So then I came home, and here we are."
He said and looked towards me.
What do I say?
I didn't know it was hard on him either.
I had it worse though.
I wasn't panicking right now.
I wasn't necessarily sad.
Hurt yes, but at the same time, I was glad things happened the way the happened.
I met Levi, Hanji and Erwin.
They all show me their unconditional love.
If it wasn't for my heart break, I wouldn't of had met them.
I wouldn't of had gone to that university.
All three of them play a big role in my life.
They helped me get to where I am today.
"If it weren't for you, I wouldn't of had met my three closet friends. I wasn't happy for so long, but some good came out of this, not a lot, but very important things. I met Levi, Hanji and Erwin. I went to school early. I am doing what I love. Was it hard to get to this place? Absolutely, but I had my friends to help me get here. They were patient with me. Even when I was constantly pushing them away. They stayed by me no matter what and helped me grow into the person I am today." I said to him.
I really didn't know what to say.
Then it hit me. I knew what I wanted to say.
"This whole time, I believed I deserved to be humiliated like that. I thought that I wasn't supposed to be happy. I really thought I was supposed to suffer constantly. In college, Levi and I dated. I was really really happy, I felt like things were finally going my way, but then I had an episode and couldn't bring myself to be in another relationship, we broke up and I haven't been in a relationship since. I accepted that I wasn't ready to put myself out there like that and Levi understood that. We're still attached to one another, but it's a different attachment. At least on my end. Regardless, I have been doing great these past few weeks and have been able to accept and acknowledge what happened those years ago. Knowing your side makes it a little easier... but it still hurts. I have gone all these years thinking that I have only been played. That I was the only one enjoying myself during that time. I believed that everyone was going to do the same thing to me no matter where I go. It was hard. I couldn't open up easily. The beginning of college for me was really really tough. But I made it through that time... and I've gotten better now."
It was noticeable that Eren had calmed down quite a bit.
He had stopped crying, his breathing was steady, he just looked a little calm.
After a minute or two just sitting there, I began feeling weird.
My heart was racing.
I was getting nervous.
But nervous because I wanted to be held.
I missed him.
I missed being around Eren.
All the memories we had together.
The adventures we would go on.
All the laughs we would have together.
I missed it.
And I didn't realize that until this moment.
I longed for Eren.
He became such a known routine these past weeks that I don't want to let him go.
I know my feelings for him left some time ago, but this was different.
I just wanted to be in his arms.
It felt like the right thing.
"So you aren't dating Levi?" Eren asked.
I let out a small sigh.
"No, we haven't dated for a while."
He just nodded his head and it was quiet again.
"I've missed you." I said quietly to him.
He looked towards me.
I don't know what prompted me to say that.
"I've missed you too." He said giving me a sad small smile.
I felt weird again.
I really didn't know if this time it was a good weird or not.
I had so many emotions flowing through me right now.
Maybe this wasn't a terrible thing after all. I don't know.
A lot was said today and I'm sure he feels just as drained as I do.
I need a nap.
But... It was nice having Eren here with me.