Past
"Well good morning, if it isn't the man of the day!" Josh cheered, when he hugged me from behind, kissing my neck. I chuckled weakly, while continuing to mix the oatmeal together for our breakfast. Especially I needed it for once, because today really was a very big day for me. Normally, Josh would have gotten annoyed with me just having such a small reaction to him being nice for once, but I think he just thought it were the nerves and that was why he let it slide. And he wasn't completely wrong, because I truly was a nervous wreck.
"How does it feel to finish Ballet school in exactly-" Josh started, before he lifted his wrist, checking the time and continuing "Ten hours?" I bit my lip, chuckling again, before I put down the spoon, turning towards Josh in his hold. This day came with a mixture of excitement and nervousness, but for reasons that Josh didn't really know about. Sure I was nervous about performing in front of so many people, especially the important directors from Ballet companies all around the world and people judging your every move and of course I was also happy to finish my education, but most importantly...this could be it.
Because maybe I would get a contract offered somewhere....that wasn't New York. And Josh couldn't leave, he had to work at his dad's office, that he would sooner or later take over. So maybe...maybe then it would be the end to things. I would send him checks, clearing my dept with him over time and that would be it. Or maybe we would try long distance, but at least I wouldn't get hit so often and I wouldn't have to live in fear, because I genuinely didn't know how long I could keep living like this. I just had to hope that maybe, if I was good enough, I could dance somewhere else and that would help me escape. Of course I couldn't tell Josh about that plan of mine and so I just had to tell the other half of the truth, that he could know.
"I don't know, I'm just really nervous...I don't want to mess up in front of these important people and it will be my last performance at the school. It's a really big deal and I have felt so much pressure coming from my teachers, so uhm...I don't know, I guess I'm just really nervous" I said, opening up a little and looking up at Josh, who seemed to actually be listening to me. But then why was he smiling like that? My boyfriend leaned forward, kissing my forehead, before ruffling through my hair, saying "Aw babe, well don't be nervous and hey, at least you get to graduate!"
Oh...so he was listening but also...not at all. "Uh yeah I-I guess" I whispered and Josh just smiled at me, before he tried the oatmeal with a spoon and saying "Next time add less sugar. Thanks babe!" He put the spoon in the open dishwasher, before he walked over to our small dinner table, sitting down and texting someone on his phone. Oh...what a nice conversation that just was. I actually thought...I actually thought he might listen to my problems. After all, he was acting so nice and caring, as if he wanted to make up for something or maybe he actually and genuinely was just very much happy for me today, but...apparently I had misjudged him.
Honestly I didn't even know why, it wasn't like Josh actually gave a single fuck about me, as hard as it was to know that. The scars on my back and bruises healing everywhere just very much proofed that. Every time he lifted his hand I flinched. Anytime he yelled at me, I cried and protected my face. And sometimes I was right to do so, because then he would hurt me. Was this love? I knew he loved me in his own scary way, but he didn't actually care for me. He didn't want me to be happy or else he would have at least listened to my fears just now, that were not even concerning our relationship or me leaving him in any way. So no...Josh didn't care for me. Nobody did.
I finished the oatmeal, putting it in two bowls and placing one in front of Josh and when I did, his hand grabbed my waist, pulling me down so I was sitting in his lap. "Thanks babe, looks really good. I'm so proud of you, I can't wait to see you dance tonight" he said, kissing my cheek and I hated when he acted like he actually gave a single fuck about me. He was being overly nice today and maybe it was because two nights ago he...he forced himself on me again when I said I was too tired after practice and he left some bruises that still reminded him today of what he had done or maybe his messed up brain just actually told him to be happy for me.
"Yeah I can't wait..." I just said, because what else was I supposed to answer to that? It wasn't like Josh actually cared for my answer and he didn't even ask how I felt graduation from ballet school without my family being there for me. I mean, I hadn't talked to them in...in a year, but still, it was always going to be hard to face these kinds of events without them. I didn't think I would get married one day, but if I did, how would it feel to have nobody sitting on my side? To have nobody, not even my mom there to watch me get married? I was losing myself in a sad fantasy again and I couldn't tell that one to anybody, so I just leaned forward, kissing Josh's lips while he grabbed my butt.
"What do you want to do until you have to be at the company?" Josh asked with his deep voice, as he let his fingers run though my hair. And I gulped. Oh no, not again. I mean, I had to be at the company in maybe four hours and Josh probably knew that, but my last wish was to have sex with him right now, when my mind was so stuffed with worries, sadness and hope. But it had never really worked to deny him before and I didn't want him to force me to do it again, that would only hurt more, so I was facing a horrible decision...should I just do it and get it over with? Should I just offer to blow him and hope that he would be satisfied with that or option number three....lie for my fucking life?
"Uhm well the nerves are getting to me and I think I will feel better if I go to the school now and practice some more or just...sit on stage for a while, relaxing. Is that ok for you?" I asked and I would have expected Josh to get really mad at me for not going with the flow and having sex with him, which he very much indicated judging by his tone and the grip he had on my butt, but actually, when he heard my words he just chuckled, patting my ass before letting it go. "Oh course Henry, I know that you need practice to feel better and I guess I should make sure that at the office everything is going smoothly, so I can be there tonight without a distraction. Afterwards there is the banquet in the ballroom of the Company right?" he asked, surprising me once again today.
Yes after the show there was a big banquet held by my school in the ballroom of the New York ballet company next door or well technically we shared a building with them, but still. All of the important people would be there, our director would hold a speech and maybe some other people and the families would be there with us graduates. Well Josh was my family now, but yeah...Of course I had invited him and still, I was a little surprised that he had remembered and actually seemed excited for it? "Mhm, yeah" I just nodded and Josh gave me another kiss, before he let go of me, saying "Alright, I'm looking forward to it."
I sat down on my own chair, taking my spoon and eating some of the oatmeal to fill my stomach, because I knew I would not manage to eat much during the day, that was how nervous I was. Well it wasn't like I ate much anyway...maybe that was my special little way of torturing and punishing myself, who knew? Josh ate as well and when I was fairly full and my anxiety of wanting to leave this apartment rather sooner than later got the best of me, I brought my dishes away and got my bag, ready to head out.
Josh hurried after me and towards the door, when I was about to leave and I thought he might have changed his mind about the sex thing and he wanted to do it now, but actually he just kissed my lips, saying "I won't be able to see you before the show, so good luck, break a leg and I will be cheering you on!" I nodded, kissing him one last time to show my gratitude, before I left the apartment, hurrying out of the building and there it felt like I could breath again. I don't know why sometimes Josh's love was suffocating me, even when he was being nice, but maybe just knowing the price of it could make the taste so bitter sweet, it was nauseating.
I walked towards the school, going inside and of course I was the first one there from my class, but that gave me the time to rehearse and practice a little bit on my own, because I really wanted to nail the show tonight. I just had to do it, my life, my future depended on it. Of course I also wanted to get to one of the best companies and logically that one was maybe even the New York ballet, but the further away from here the better, even if it would be just a second class or lower company, I would take it. I just hoped that somebody would be interested in me and my dance style.
And so I practiced and practised, but of course I tried not to exhaust myself too much or else I wouldn't be able to dance very well tonight, I knew that. I was always a little nervous before a performance, but tonight was special and everybody knew that. When finally some of my other classmates showed up, acting all happy and excited, I just started warming up and stretching again for a little while to act like I hadn't been here since this morning. They already thought I was a freak and honestly I didn't really care, I would never really see them again after tonight.
When it was time to get into our costumes, I changed in the bathroom, since there were a few faint bruises on my hips from two nights ago and I didn't need anybody seeing that. When I returned to the changing room, I quickly did my makeup with the help of one of my female classmates, that didn't really talk to me and that was good. I didn't need talking to anybody right now. And when I looked in the mirror, knowing that the time had come, I looked at myself for the first time in over a year. I actually looked at myself and saw myself.
Because tonight was for me and for nobody else. I needed to do this for me and I needed to succeed for me. I for once didn't hate the person staring back at me through the mirror, I just saw a boy I used to know and care for and now was my chance to help him. Help him get out of the misery I knew better than anybody else. I looked at the golden eyeliner on my face reflecting in the light and the costume I was wearing and I felt more like myself than I had done any other time. I knew I was ready. I just had to try.
-
The cheers of the crowd filled my ears and my heart. And I just couldn't help but smile. I didn't smile often these days, let alone actually wanting to do so, but right now the world had fallen into place and I felt completed. Not because the audience seemed to have enjoyed my performance, that made me happy as well, but just feeling that exhaustion through having moved my body this way, the sound of the music barely having left my ears, it was all so...so perfect. And having succeeded. Well what does succeed mean, but at least I didn't mess up. I got through the performance without messing up and it might have just been the best one I had danced so far. It felt good. And it would have also felt good if the audience wouldn't have appreciated my dancing, I can guarantee you that.
I felt light and when I bowed to the people in front of me with my classmates, I felt even better. And when I bowed by myself, since my role was the biggest one, even though technically we didn't have a main cast to perform equality, I also felt good. I just hoped that it was good enough. That it was good enough to get me out of here, out of New York and this life. It was scary, but necessary to hope, even though I shouldn't have hoped that much. It would only disappoint me if my dancing wasn't enough, but hope was all I had left to hold on, even if it would make the fall only greater.
When we left the stage after the applause, I even felt good enough to congratulate some of my classmates or I guess now former classmates on their performance, even if some weren't giving it their best, but they still deserved to be congratulated, they deserved it all. Yes I felt good and I felt even good when I realized that I would never enter this school again. I would never go here to train again and flee my home, but then again, maybe I would also never enter that one again either...at least in a few months. Maybe...if I was lucky.
I went to change out of my costume and into something festive, well a suit, since I would be going to the banquet now. I took off the makeup and did my hair a little, feeling excited. I mean, I was a also a little nervous to be in this big room with all of these important people from the branch, but at the same time, maybe I would get to talk to some of them and then maybe I could make connections that would help me get away from here. Josh could maybe help, after all, his father or at least his company was very big and maybe if he would do a favour for somebody, they would do the same for us, since it was also important to Josh that I got a job as a dancer, so I could pay off my debt.
So I made sure that I looked presentable, before I left the changing room and went to the hall as well, a little later than everybody else I guess, since they had hurried to get to their families and loved ones. I just had Josh waiting for me...maybe I even wanted to keep him waiting. For once he couldn't really get mad at me for doing so I guess. I entered the big ballroom and about two hundred people, all dressed up, drinking champagne, laughing and talking to each other, stood around the room. It was amazing, even though I wasn't a very social person and people...yeah they scared me a little bit. They didn't always do so, but now after I had seen the dark depts of the very best people this world had to offer, I didn't want to get to know the rest.
"There is my star! Oh my god babe you danced amazing! Everybody in the crowd was admiring you, I felt so proud!" Josh, who just popped up beside me, exclaimed, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me in. He pressed a kiss to my temple and actually the support, even if it was fake, even if he didn't mean it, felt so good, it felt amazing to have somebody from my life telling me I did good. Nobody ever told me I did good, all I ever did was cause troubles. But now Josh was embracing me and he was proud to have me as his boyfriend. I did that, all by myself. I could feel happy for that, right?
"Thank you...did you really like it, did you really think I danced good?" I asked and Josh nodded, looking down at me as he brushed my sides with his hands. He looked at me with love, but I was always on alert around him, the slightest changes in his gaze or gestures would tell me to be more cautious, but right now he genuinely seemed happy. I should just make sure to not hang around guys alone tonight and then everything should be fine, right?
"You really did. I can see all that training paid off. And I have to say babe, you were the best one on that stage" Josh whispered in my ear and I chuckled, gently hitting his chest. "Stop it, their families are here, what if they hear you?" I asked with a laugh in my voice and Josh grinned, before he smugly replied with a shrug.
"It's not like I'm lying. And they know it. Champagne?" he asked and I nodded, letting him leave to get us something to drink. There was an open bar financed by the sponsors of the school and Josh was walking towards it, leaving me alone in the crowd, but that was ok. The bigger the crowd, the easier it was to get invisible in it and be alone. I loved that. But suddenly, somebody laid a hand on my shoulder and when I turned around, already fearing the worst, I just saw the director of my ballet school, smiling at me. Of course he knew all his pupils very well, it wasn't like there were a lot of us and it was his responsibility to know us and market us if possible. Yes having good dancers was one thing, but being able to say that former pupils made it to all of the best companies in the world? That was just better.
"Ah Henry Holland! I honestly have to say boy, you were amazing up there! Your foot work was so precise, I am impressed! And I can tell you right now, I am not the only one. There are a lot of people who already asked for you, so get ready for a long night of getting courted by all of these managers and directors who definitely want to try and win you for their house! I'm very excited Henry, this will be great! So have a great night and do be a dear and let the school know who you picked, alright??!" my former director smiled at me, shaking my hand intently before he walked away, leaving me alone. Was he serious? There were already offers on the table?? This was amazing, this was going to be the night to change my life!!
"Here you go. Everything ok? Was that your director?" Josh, who returned with two glasses of champagne, handing me one, asked, just as the director walked away. I turned to face him, a big smile on my lips. "What?" Josh asked, mirroring my excitement, that he had yet to understand and I was just too stunned to even wrap my head around this. Did I think that I would get approached by maybe one director or manager? Sure, I knew that I was good. I was really good. But this? I did not expect this. This was a safe bet! I would definitely be able to leave I would be able to get away! It excited me even now that he was being nice to me. That says a lot, doesn't it?
"There are already offers...people want me to dancer at their company" I said, sounding stunned, happy and ready to cry out of pure joy. And Josh smiled at that. "That's great Henry!! Oh my god that is amazing! Well I would suggest we will go and talk to them and see who has the best offer...because you deserve everything!" Josh grinned and I chuckled, before I nodded. Yes I very much wanted nothing but the best and that my boyfriend seemed to want that as well was good. I nodded, before I said "Let's get them." I took Josh's hand because again, maybe he could help and so we walked into the crowd, towards where the director and my teachers were talking to a few people and it wasn't long before people were calling my name.
At first we talked to somebody from the Dutch National Ballet, who watched me and really thought I had a lot of talent. He kept praising how I felt the role and really became one with it and how much he would enjoy to see me embracing that side of me in his company. Well it wasn't his, but he was the creative director and wanted to hire me on the spot. Of course I couldn't say yes, but I got his business card and promised to call and think about it.
Next was the National Ballet of Canada, at least a woman who was responsible for recruiting people. She too said how interested they were in me and I was honestly very honoured. Canada wasn't that far away though, so I didn't ask too many questions and just took her card again. Then was somebody from the Spanish National Dance Company, but the man just kept talking about how great the company was and how many prizes they had won, but I mean...Spain was pretty far away, so I definitely thought about it.
Next were some from Russia who expressed their interest, not as clearly as the other people, but still, just like one from Tokyo and Brazil. We talked for hours on end and drank a lot of champagne, but one thing I had noticed was, that with every person approaching me and more or less offering me a place at their company...Josh grew more and more quiet. And I knew that it wasn't because he didn't know how to talk to these people, he was a business man, he knew how to talk about anything if it meant sealing a deal with somebody. No...he wasn't pleased. At all. I didn't exactly know why, but it wasn't like I could ask him and so I just decided to let it slide for now and focus on the conversation.
Lastly I talked to somebody from the New York dance company. They were very interested in me, but said they couldn't offer me a place and a contract right now, since they didn't need any dancers at the moment, but I gave them my contact information, since they said they would call me as soon as they needed somebody. I just thanked them, but it wasn't like I wanted to stay in New York anyway. Many of my classmates would have killed for something like this, simply because the New York ballet was very good and close to what we had to call our home these past few years. But I guess I also wasn't going to stay here, since they couldn't offer me a contract now.
When it was already after midnight, Josh and I decided to head home and I said goodbye to a few people, some forever. We left the building and walked home through the night in New York city and I could just feel that Josh wasn't very happy for some reason. Maybe he thought I was cheating on him again, who the fuck knows. But nothing could bring me down now!
"There were a lot of interesting offers tonight. I mean wow, the range of money and reputation these people were offering me...it might just go straight to my ego" I chuckled and Josh just hummed, walking ahead and keeping his hands in his pockets.
"The New York Ballet was nice. You will take their offer, right?" Josh asked and I frowned, coming to a halt until he too stopped walking, looking back at me. "What? But they didn't even offer me a contract. They just said I would be on the waiting list. I mean, the other ones offered me life long contracts" I interfered, because I didn't get why he would think I would take that one. But Josh just looked at me, that displeasent look in his eyes.
"Well, it's not like you will take one of the other ones, right? It's not like you will move away, so this is your only shot, right?" Josh asked, taking a step towards me and I gulped, feeling the frustration and anger building inside of me. I was scared, the look that Josh gave me scared me, but I was fighting for something here and that was my own life, my sanity. I couldn't just give that up without trying and so I hesitantly said, trying to sound stern "W-Well yeah I will, the offers are too good and I have to think about my future, I can't just pass this opportunity-"
"You won't pass any opportunity. You will wait for the New York ballet, so you can stay here or did you forget? You promised to never leave me. You promised to always be mine. That's what you said. Do you want to break that promise? Do you want to make me angry again?" Josh asked, walking towards me and every step was a threat. My whole body tensed up, especially when he went to grab me by the throat, choking me a little and I tried to keep it together so the people around wouldn't start to notice and everything would just get worse.
"N-No I-I am yours, o-of course I am, b-but I have to-" I started and Josh just cut me off by squeezing hard one last time, making me look at him. "You have to do nothing! And I won't let you leave me, alright? You will stay here and pay off your debt by working at the New York ballet. You can only hope that they will keep their promise and call. I will not let you leave, got that?" he asked and I quickly nodded, so that he did what he did and let me go. I coughed, catching my breath and Josh just walked ahead, not turning around and I knew I had to follow him.
But my legs were shaking and my heart was racing. No no no no he wouldn't let me leave, he wouldn't let me move away, b-but that was my way out, that was what I had hoped for!!
Should I just give up? Living I mean....
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And that's how Henry decided to dance at the New York Ballet... not really his choice though was it? I know many of you are begging for Henry to leave Josh, but believe me, soon there will be a change both in the past as in the present so just wait a few more chapters. I'm not saying if it's a good or a bad change though whoops- don't kill me guys
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Lots of Love - Hanna