Past
After that night, nothing was the same. I wasn't the same. I mean, it wasn't like things had been good before. Way before any of this, yeah, life was ok, but now? Now I wouldn't even care if somebody ended mine. I did still fear for my life when Josh would get angry and even slap or hit me, but I didn't even know why, it wasn't like I had much joy in my life. I was just confronted with this ongoing pain, that never ever seemed to end, because all I could do was hope. Hope that Josh would love me enough to not hurt me again, but it seemed like that wouldn't happen any time soon.
But it just felt impossible to do anything about it myself. I felt like leaving was impossible, because wouldn't Josh get even more angry? Wouldn't he find me and make me pay for leaving him or would he not care if I had to sell myself on the streets and live under a bridge? Because...well I had no money. In a few months I would finish ballet school and maybe then...maybe then things would be better and differently. Maybe then I could earn my own money and pay Josh back or just run away if I had enough saved up. But that was something for the future. Now...there wasn't much that I could do.
But after that night...after Josh had...had forced himself on me, I-I just didn't know how to continue a happy life. I loved Josh and when he wasn't angry, he was the gentle and kind creature I fell in love with, but that didn't change the fact that sometimes, his mask would slip and he would reveal that inner demon, that haunted my nightmares. Just that I was living together with that demon and there was no way of escaping him. It was one thing that he wanted to hurt me and watch me cry out in pain, even though I didn't think that he specifically liked these images, he just didn't care enough to not produce them. They were a product of his anger, which he let out on me, not caring if it would hurt me.
But when he had entered me, my body, without my permission, he broke something more fragile inside of me than a few bones or my heart. It was like I could hear the soft shattering of my fragile soul, as if it was a small vase somebody needed to keep safe but failed to do so. It shattered to the ground and broke into a million pieces. I was suddenly so cold and empty and instead of hope my body was filled with fear. I can't describe this fear, it was different from the one I felt when Josh looked like he wanted to murder me, which was just as bad. But when he had forced himself on me or was about to do so, it was as if I was stuck in this nightmare, that I couldn't flee and as if somebody was taking something away from me. Maybe my childhood.
It wasn't like I had been a virgin before or that Josh and I had never had sex before, no we had done and enjoyed it plenty of times together, so you'd think it wouldn't be that bad, maybe a mere sting in my trust in him but no, it was bad. Because I had already lost control over my whole life. Even for a simple meal I depended on another person and I was losing people left and right against my will. But now he had taken away my last bit of sanity, my last bit of control and that was the one over my body. At least I could decide when I wanted something inside of me. Let it be a toothbrush in my mouth or food in my stomach. But he had violated my body, he had entered me without permission and that hurt. I had lost control and I didn't know how to get it back.
Even though Josh, the next day, seemed sorry and apologized to me for causing me trouble last night, he didn't specifically apologize for...for raping me. He never specifically apologized for what he had done, he had never said it before. He had never said before, that he shouldn't hit me or slap me or yell at me. He never said sorry for specific things, but just in general and that was somewhat meaningless. But it suddenly also let my fears and pain feel meaningless, like the whole situation was. Like what I had felt during the times he had caused me pain were also meaningless and so I had just smiled softly, telling him it was ok. Because I wanted it to be ok. I was fine with it being meaningless, because maybe then it was also of no use for me. Maybe then I could feel normal again.
Josh had treated me to a nice dinner and after practice he took me shopping to get a new suit and an expensive watch, that I didn't need, but it was pretty I guess and Josh insisted so I thanked him. And when we got home that night he held me and he kissed me and then we had sex. That was the worst part and I don't even know why. Because I wasn't ready to do that with him again I guess, but I was also too afraid to tell him, that I wasn't in the mood. So I went along with it. I participated and acted as if I was feeling pleasure and giving him such, but actually, I wanted to throw up or cry or hide in the closet and never come out. It was horrible and afterwards, when he held me in his arms until he fell asleep, I felt guilty for feeling that way. Because I did love him, even after...even after everything. And it scared me that I did. Would it be easier if I hated him?
But the fact that I had no one besides Josh scared me even more than my own emotions. Maybe if I wasn't so alone, it would be easier to bear. If I didn't depend on good Josh to make me feel alright, but that even if bad Josh was out, I still had that other person to help me feel better, even though I knew nobody could ever find out about what went on in our apartment. I was ashamed to be honest. I was a man, not some helpless child and I was very strong through ballet, I should be able to protect myself. But I wasn't. Because I was scared.
My letter to my parents left me without an answer. I hoped that they would get it and that it didn't go missing, but I threw it into a mailbox and that should be enough, right? And deep down I knew that they did receive it and either read it, but didn't care to write me back or that they threw it away the second they realized who it was from. It hurt so fucking much to even think about that for a moment, but I had to accept that it was the truth. Josh didn't seem to be so supportive of me finding other people in my life besides him, but even he let me send that letter, so he must have known that my parents wouldn't answer. And I had known that as well, I just didn't want to believe it.
But when I realized that I could choose between being all alone or finding a friend at the company I had to keep a secret, I decided to find a third option. And that was Charlotte.
Even though what she had done was bad, I still couldn't bear being alone in this pitiful life that I was living. I was jumping between dancing at the school, until I almost fainted from exhaustion and then going into that hell that I had to call my home. I mean, I guess it wasn't always hell. When Josh was nice to me and cooked and gave me kisses, it was the home that I chose or had to choose to live in, but when he was angry and wanted to hurt me, it was like living in a nightmare. I couldn't live on like this, it was too much. I needed somebody by my side who made me feel good and that was Charlotte. Even if she betrayed me, even if she somewhat hated me and very much Josh, but I needed her and maybe she would let me into her life again.
I didn't even know, if she wanted me in her life anymore, but I needed to at least give it a try. And I was planning on trying to do that, because the thing was...I didn't want Josh to find out. When he heard that I had been ready to forgive Charlotte for what she had done, he hit me for the first time and even kicked me. I didn't know if he actually hated the thought of me being friends with Charlotte or if he didn't want me to get hurt. Either way, I wanted somebody like Charlotte in my life again, no actually I needed it and I didn't want to end up with bruises again, so I had to do it in secret.
I figured if I was to just text Charlotte, Josh would maybe find the text, because he did know the password to my phone and checked it frequently, even if he did it behind my back, but I just knew that he did. Writing a letter could fall into the wrong hands and if I was to call Charlotte, Josh would also see that in my timeline, so...I decided to go with going to her personally. I'd just tell Josh I would be home late because of training and actually I would go to Charlotte's apartment, asking her to forgive me or tell her that I had forgiven her and that I wanted to be friends again.
So I planned all of that. I calculated when Charlotte would probably be home, because my courage was only enough to try this once. I also tried to find the best time to make it as believable as possible, that I was just having to train after hours again and then I would be home. And I needed to wait for the perfect opportunity to tell Josh about that, so he would know not to wait up for me. He knew that I had been training a lot and I even got up at six am and sometimes even five am to start training and would sometimes only return after ten pm, but Josh was oddly fine with that. Maybe because he knew that as long as I was just training, I wasn't meeting any guys I could sleep with or that I was doing what he was paying for, which was my dance education. But the perfect time to tell him came the evening before I planned on seeing Charlotte.
We were sitting at the dinner table, eating some Pasta that I had cooked for us, even though it was only ok, but Josh ate it, while reading over some files next to him. He was totally lost in it and he was in a relatively good mood today. Well not good, he was tired and a little moody from the long day he had, but that was the best time, because he usually left me alone then. So I gathered my courage, trying to act as casual as possible, while eating my Pasta. I was on my phone, acting as if I was checking my schedule and I was a relatively good actor, you kind of had to be as a dancer. I cleared my throat, looking up at Josh.
"Oh uhm just so you know, I'll have to train a bit longer again tomorrow, so don't wait up for me and maybe get some take out. I just need to fix my landings before the auditions next week, my teachers are giving me a lot of pressure" I said and all of that was true, that's why it was easy to say. I did have auditions for the big summer production and my last one at the school next week and my teachers were expecting nothing but the best of me. I was one of the best if not the best dancer in the whole school and they needed me to be even better. I was constantly training and rehearsing and I did suck at the landings from my jumps, well I didn't suck but they needed to get better and I needed to rehears that. But when I looked up, Josh's eyes had left the file and met my own.
Had he noticed something was off? Did he know that I was lying? Was he angry that I was spending so much time at the studio or that he needed to get take out or what. I got really frightened when he looked at me with those cold eyes of his, that I once found comfort in but now they scared me. But I tried to act as if I wasn't lying and when I was about to just quit the plan and tell him that I could come home early, he showed me a small smile, before he reached for my hand across the table, taking it and rubbing the back with his thumb.
"Ok, don't exhaust yourself babe" he smiled and I was a little taken aback, but I showed him a small smile of appreciation, before I nodded, retreating my hand to keep on eating my food. "I will try my best" I said and he directed his gaze back down to his files, not giving me a second thought, but my heart, it was racing. That was close. If he knew that I was lying, I'd be a dead man, I had to be more careful next time.
But that was just how important Charlotte was to me. I couldn't bare being alone anymore, because that's what I was: alone. I had Josh, yes, but I didn't really have him. Nobody listened to me or cared about my problems. Josh may have loved me, but he was my main problem at the moment...I just couldn't stand being this lonely anymore. Something needed to change and I would do that tomorrow, when I would leave the training on time to go to Charlotte's place to patch things up with her and be back in time to realistically show Josh that I was just held up with training.
So that night I went to bed with a mixture of anxiety and excitement in my stomach, though the anxiety definitely overweighted. Would Charlotte let me into her life again after the way we had parted the last time? Would Josh find out once I would come home? I'd have to make sure I would look the part, you know, sweat a bit and look exhausted, but that shouldn't be too hard. Run from the subway to the apartment and done. I fell asleep that night, not sure if I was ready for the next day. But I just had to be.
And when the time came, I was a nervous wreck. Because I didn't know if my best friend would take me back, even if it had been her who had fucked up. But I couldn't afford to be hurt by that anymore or be petty about it. I just needed to accept the fact that Charlotte hat outed me against my will, but at least I wouldn't be so alone anymore, you know? So when rehearsals finished, I immediately went to change and grab my stuff and for once didn't stay longer to train some more. I knew if I would hurry, I would catch the train at 6:45 pm and then I would be at Charlotte's by 7:15 pm and then we would have enough time before I had to be home by ten.
I changed into my regular clothes, making sure my hair wasn't a mess, because somehow I wanted to look decent for Charlotte, before I grabbed my bag and hurried towards the exit of the school. I didn't have to run to catch the train, there would always be a next one, but I wanted to make sure I would be by Charlotte's before 7:30, just in case she had plans for the evening and her classes apparently ended by seven, so she may be dropping by her apartment around that time. It was a guess, but I had to take the chance. So I opened the door to the school, rushing out of there and I was on my way to the subway, when suddenly somebody, who was leaning against the wall of my school, called after me.
"Going somewhere?" he called and I turned around to see that man, my man and stare at him with wide eyes. It was as if my heart had sunk into my stomach, as if I had been caught by my parents stealing some of their money only a million times worse. I looked at Josh, who didn't even seem angry, he had a smile on his face, as he causally leaned against that wall, arms crossed in front of his chest. When he saw that I had stopped, he pushed himself away from the wall, walking over to me and every fibre in my body screamed terror at that point.
He knew. He knew, he knew, he had known all along that I had been lying, that I was hiding something, maybe even the fact that I would meet Charlotte again or maybe he thought something worse, something that could actually kill me, so with every step he took into my direction, the clear signs that my fear was probably very valid and that I would end up with more than a red cheek tonight were obvious. When Josh came to a stop in front of me, I was shaking all over and tears were burning in my eyes.
"J-Josh wh-what are you doing he-" I stuttered, but Josh cut me off, by lifting his hand, stroking over my cheek soothingly and saying "Shhhh...it's ok Henry." But I knew that it wasn't ok. His eyes told me that it was anything but ok and that he did not think so either. "It's ok, you were just betraying my trust and ready to cheat on me, right?" he asked and my eyes widened even more, as I shook my head, shaking in fear.
"N-No! No Josh no I-I swear I wasn't- I-i was going to me-meet Charlotte a-" I stuttered, but suddenly Josh leaned forward, pressing a kiss to my forehead and cutting me off again. He pulled away, looking into my eyes, as he gently took my hand and said "Let's go home, ok?" He didn't leave room for a 'no' or suggestions for something different, he just lead me away from school and towards our apartment and I followed him, even though I knew this was going to hurt. My legs made me walk without my consent or maybe it was how Josh had lovingly laid an arm around me and pulled me with him. It confused and scared me, but at the same time, it comforted me. And so I went with him and everything was a blur of panic until the apartment door closed behind us.
"So you wanted to leave" Josh stated, as he took off his coat, neatly hanging it up on the rack and taking mine from me as well, making me tense up. There was literally nervous sweat on my forehead, that's how anxious I was, because I knew...I knew this wouldn't end well. I stared at him, but he looked so calm, like he was just asking me if I'd rather have Chinese or Italian tonight, but I knew better than to let myself fall into the safety of his calm voice. I knew that he was about to explode and I had to do damage control.
"No Josh I-I didn't want to leave you, I would never do that!" I promised him and Josh chuckled, turning to face me. I gulped when I looked into his face, because slowly I could see that he was in fact very angry, he was just hiding it very well. I wanted to beg him to believe me, but I rather took a step back into the living room, away from him just in case he would get angrier and decide to slap or even hit me again, though nowadays he was more careful to not get my face. He too didn't want us to be found out. But Josh just followed me, a slightly amused smile on his face.
"Yeah I thought so. Because you would be even stupider than you already are if you do that. Because where the fuck would you go? Do you think anybody besides me would take you in? Not even your own fucking family wants you. Your best friend rat you out to them, that's how unpleasant you are to be around. I can tolerate you and that makes me very special Henry. Cause you are the problem. You make everybody around you the way we are...miserable. You are at fault here...because nobody can love you. Except for me. Besides knowing your flaws and even though you make me this way, I love you and nobody else will ever do that. So if you don't want old disgusting men to fuck you for a meal, you better not think about leaving my side, got it?" he asked, his face slowly changing into a serious one, as he came closer and closer and I gulped, nodding.
"Y-Yes, I know and I love you too, b-but I wasn't trying to leave you, I swear!" I begged and there it was again, that smile, as Josh lifted his hand, brushing over my cheek. "I know. I believe you. I think you were leaving to cheat on me, weren't you?" he asked, still seeming happy and I shook my head, stuttering "N-No, no Josh really I would never-"
"Ah ah ah I think you did. I noticed how off you were yesterday, you were hiding something and you left the company early, going for the subway. You lied. Give me your phone" he ordered, offering me his hand to lay my phone in and I gulped. I mean there was nothing on there, but would he then believe me? I quickly got my phone out of my pocket, handing it to Josh who opened it, of course knowing my passcode and I wasn't stupid enough to mention it. We stood like this for a few minutes, as he searched through my phone, trying to find something, anything that would show that I was having an affair, that I was cheating. But of course, he couldn't find anything. So he should have been satisfied, right? No.
"You fucking idiot!!" Josh yelled, throwing the phone at the wall behind me and I ducked when I heard the big mirror, that was hanging where the phone hit the wall, smash into a million pieces. The sound alone made me shake in fear as well as Josh's booming voice. My boyfriend was now red in anger, staring down at me, before he grabbed my face, making me look up at him. "Who are you fucking?? Who the fuck are you sleeping with you pathetic piece of shit!! You are nothing but a dirty fucking whore!" he yelled, having a tight grip on my face, before he pushed me, so that I fell back on my back.
And where I landed was very unfortunate. Because I landed, back first, in the shatters of the mirror. Luckily I didn't use my hands first or fell on my head, but still it...it wasn't pretty. The second the pain registered in my brain I cried out. There must have been a million small and a few big cut on my back, making me bleed, but I couldn't even get up, before Josh was on top of me, pressing my head down with his hand, making it unable for me to move and pushing me even deeper into the pieces of glass that were cutting in my skin. I was squirming around and crying out, trying to yell "Stop!!! Josh please it hurts, please please let me go!!"
But Josh just stared down at me with tears in his eyes, pushing my head as strongly as he could onto the ground, growling with a slightly shaky voice "You are doing this to me Henry, this is your doing! You are making me do this, don't you see that?? I don't want this either, you are the reason I have to behave that way and it's making me fucking miserable!" With the last word he pushed me down harder one last time, before letting go of me and letting me crawl back, crying and hissing in pain, because moving...it hurt. A lot. And when I looked at Josh, who kneeled on the floor, there were tears streaming down his face, but he wasn't making any sounds.
And even though I was very hurt and probably bleeding...I saw Josh's hurt and realized that he wasn't fine either. He too was in pain and even though I was angry, hurt and most of all still scared of Josh...I was also tired. I felt like I was giving in, like I was just doing this for him, but I guess I was also doing it to keep myself safe. So when I saw those tears, I scooted closer, getting ahold of his face and making him look at me. "I'm sorry" I said and Josh fell forward, clinging onto me, as he cried and I held him, feeling empty.
"You are doing this to me! Don't leave me Henry, please don't go!" he cried. I wanted to go...I did. But I knew that I couldn't, maybe forever. I was stuck with him for now and yes, I did feel guilty even though logically I knew that I had done nothing wrong. But Josh was crying and I was just too tried and in too much pain to fight it. So I pulled his face up and kissed him. I kissed him and Josh kissed me back, as he stopped crying and slowly, that kissing turned into sex.
I wasn't in the mood, at all, but yes I initiated it. It was me who opened his pants and took him in my mouth. It was me who climbed on top of him on that floor, where he had beat me not ten minutes earlier, letting him enter me. It was me who held him and seemed like I was enjoying it, like I wanted to make love to him. But I wasn't sure if any of that was true.
When Josh fell asleep in our bed, I went to the bathroom and took off my shirt. Every small movement hurt and I cried and broke down a bunch of times during the process of removing my clothes. But I had to do it. And there were very many cuts on my back. I managed, with a lot of stretching, to get all the pieces of the mirror out of my wounds, with took a strong stomach and a lot of time, but when I had managed to do it, I disinfected the wounds and patched it up as best as I could. But I was finished only in the early hours of the morning and then I broke down again. Because I didn't know how to continue anymore. I couldn't leave Josh, I couldn't betray him anymore. I needed to keep him happy, but at the same time, I wasn't happy.
Now I had to live with these wounds that hurt like a bitch and I could barely move. But I had to, I had to go to the studio and dance...I had to. And that's what I did, even though some of the wounds opened up again. That whole process took such a long time, I knew these scars would never leave me. They would die with me and if I would make it to an old age, my nurse would ask me where I had gotten these scares from, if I had been in the army...What a fucking mess.
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Just a little glance in the past, how the relationship is suffocation Henry more and more and slowly you guys will completely understand why in the present he is still with Josh...
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