Falling for you [JIKOOK]

Chapter 29

'It was the last thing I would like to do to anyone – forcing someone into something they are not willing to do. And when it comes to the person, I love the most, I would never force him to be physical with me against his will. And Love! I would never beg anyone to love me either. I am good at being distant, it hurts me, but I do this to save the person I care about and myself from the pain.

Why are you screwing with my brain? I thought you wanted it too but then you behaved like I was the one making you feel guilty, a homewrecker in other word. Your whole behavior is wrong, Jimin? You are a total Romeo one day and then start to act like your family's perfect son the next day. Why don't you stop, if it is hurting you so bad? Maybe, it will help me to move on too.

I know you still love me and so do I but for that we don't have to share a bed. Your kindness and love would have meant a lot to me, but you chose to hurt me instead with your blunt words. One thing I promise today to myself and you that I will try my best not to get hurt anymore and this time instead of getting distant, I will be your everything – colleague, friend, lunch partner and a shoulder to cry on but not a lover, which you need the most yet you won't admit. I will not let you take me for granted and insult me. If you loved me, you should have valued my feelings and emotions, but it seems you never really did and I guess you never really will.

You already are stuck in a fucked up marriage thing and thus, you sneak your way to me for comfort and to feel the love and I think it is high time you admit it, until then I will be just Jungkook to you, not Kookie, Bunny or your Kookliet. Choose your priority and admit the true feelings with guts if you have any left.

Guilt or Jungkook? Choose, Park Jimin.'

Jungkook closed his favorite notebook after writing his heart out in it. He rolled his wrist to see the ink smudges all over his right palm. His cheeks were soaked from the series of sobs. Few tear drops fell on his hands and that was when he realized he had been crying the whole time. Those words of Jimin in the movie theatre were still haunting the younger everyday, especially at night. He again was having trouble sleeping and ended up sobbing the whole night. He deleted most of the pictures of Jimin from his phone and all the chat history too, so that his mind could not betray him in checking them again.

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Jimin was struggling between his own thoughts. 'Marriage changes a person. It has surely changed me but not in a good way, because I am not happy. She married me just like any other girl with so many hopes and dreams but why can't I give her what she wants? I am trying. Sleeping in the same bed with her did not mean a thing to me. My body never responded when she wanted me close, but I had to do it, when she was with me in Busan, how could I tell Jungkook that the hands and lips he loved the most had already touched another woman's? He would break apart even though he must have guessed it already. I know it's not right, but I am kind of relived that she is in Italy, away from me and will be there for a while.

I have to meet a lot of expectation. Expectation of my family, my wife and my in-laws. Everyone thought I am a perfect guy with good manner, good salary and good look. I was doing fine after my first break up with my ex-girlfriend but this one boy with bunny smile changed everything, like my heart can never belong to anyone else but him, I can not concentrate well these days, especially because Kookie and I are not behaving the same anymore, I miss him so much. But what can a married man do except trying hard to love (may never be possible!), uhhh...to like his wife. I can't love her even if I try but I had to respect this marriage and be her husband.

No matter what, Park Jimin, you have to be a good husband, and even if this is the hardest way but I will try.' These are all what his mind reminded him everyday but his heart, it wanted something else, some peace, his lover, his Jungkook.