Deals with the Devil (PA #1)

Chapter 14

Unlike me, Killian is as cool as a cucumber. "Nothing to concern yourself with, princess. Now, did you get the goods or what?"

Not one to be left out of anything, Elizabeth narrows her green eyes at the shifter. I clear my throat before rewording his question. "Seriously though, I want to get this pizza in the oven in time for dinner. Are we adding bull testicles or not?"

Eli holds up a paper bag with a suspicious amount of wetness. There are several soaked patches threatening the structural integrity of the material. "'Course I did. And they're fresh, too. Leviathan severed them in front of me to ensure maximum potency."

I throw up a little bit in my mouth. "Well, uh, that was nice of him. Why don't you, uh, cut them up and put them on the pizza. I'll just stand in the corner and supervise."

Eli jiggles the bag. "What's the matter, Will? Are you afraid of some bloody balls?"

Slowly inching my way backwards, I reply. "Can't say that I absolutely love the idea of them, no. Would you mind keeping them far away from me? I'd like my lunch to stay inside of my body rather than end up on the floor."

Instead of continuing to give me a hard time, Eli plops the bag onto the counter and proceeds to pull out red-tinted, furry ball sacks. Grabbing the knife I used earlier to chop up the broccoli, Eli methodically slices the balls into smaller pieces. Before sprinkling them onto the pizza, she looks between the knife, the ball parts, and Killian's pants-covered penis. Once she's sure that he understands the blatant threat, she finishes prepping the pizza.

From my spot in the corner, I give her further instructions. "I already preheated the oven, so you can just put the pizza in there. It should be done in about fifteen minutes."

Once that's done, the room falls into an uncomfortable silence. My eyes ping pong between Killian and Elizabeth, who are both not-so-subtly ignoring each other's existence. When I ping back to Killian, he gives me a pointed look and a head tilt towards Elizabeth. Understanding what he's asking me to do, I try to come up with a natural-sounding conversation starter.

"Um, hey, Eli. Ever thought about having sex with a shifter? I hear that they have large penises." For emphasis, I place my hands far apart from one another, mouthing "huge" as I do it.

Killian facepalms, literally puts his whole hand over his face at my awful starting point. No doubt he's questioning his decision to ask for my help. Meanwhile, Eli just runs with it. Nodding her head, she says, "Yeah, I can confirm that. I once saw Leviathan's fully erect dick right after he shifted back into his demon form. It was like a footlong. A Subway dick, if you will. No wonder his wife always walks around with a limp." She starts imitating said limp, bum-leg-walking up and down the aisle between the counters and the ovens.

Already failing at this whole matchmaker business, I decide to commit to my previous line of questioning. "But would you have sex with a shifter? You, Elizabeth no-middle-name Morningstar, would you let a shifter's penis enter your vagina?"

Eli halts in her dramatic reenactment of an oversexed woman's stride. "Okay, Will, I know we both took the same sex ed class where Tutor Jane forced us to use the technical names for genitalia, but please use the slang terms. Dick, cock, pussy—things like that. And, to answer your question, yeah I'd have sex with a shifter. I only have a no-fuck policy when it comes to angels."

Reassured—and probably excited—by Elizabeth's words, Killian lowers his hand from his face and flashes a quick smile in my direction. However, his smile is replaced by a grimace and flared nostrils as he loudly sniffs the room. "Um, I think the pizza's burning," he says.

Having completely lost track of time, I realize that it's definitely been longer than fifteen minutes since the pizza first entered the oven. Rushing past Killian and Elizabeth's bodies, I shove oven mitts onto my hands and open up the oven door. Sitting directly on the bottom rack is a charred mess. Carefully removing the potential fire hazard, I bump the oven closed with my hip and then place the pizza down onto the counter. Killian and Elizabeth both join me in inspecting it.