hey guys, so I found this thing on the internet, and, well, while it might not be in the "funny" category, I do think that this is something that should be spread around and known. this is a tumblr post, it's not mine, the link to the actual post will be at the bottom.
anyway. Here it is:
This guy, this fucking guy, still sticks in my brain. It’s been years since I’ve been online dating. It was an interaction of messages that culminated in this exchange over about 2 weeks.
He’s so forgettable in every other way, but I am just still so aggravated by this weird smug privileged obliviousness around constant social demands on women and femmefolk to be both constantly available to men and at the same time perfectly take all necessary steps to prevent their own rapes.
It is STUPID and AWFUL that we are expected to constantly be smart, aware, strong, reactive, proactive, and sober enough to prevent our own assaults. It is STUPID and AWFUL that if we do anything, ANYTHING, like have a glass of wine, or walk home, or smile at someone, or not smile at someone, that we are somehow in that way shouldering responsibility for someone deliberately, maliciously harming us.
And it is ridiculous to ask someone to shrug all of that social pressure and blaming and responsibility off because it’s vaguely insulting to you that someone has to think about the possibility that you’re not a great person.
Dude, thanks. You saved me a lot of wasted time with that message. I mean it.
This. Also, any dude who suggests his place on a first date, ignores a clearly-expressed desire for an alternative location and insists on his place, and then jumps straight from there to guilt-tripping when he doesn’t get his way is either a shitty person at best, or a seriously skeevy person at worse. Like, nope, no, do not blame and emotionally blackmail people for trying to be cautious. That just sets off alarm bells and confirms that you want something from them that they may not want to give and that they were right to be cautious.
Yup yup and yup.
Last date I went on was someone who was also volunteering at the same event as I was, who approached me and we started talking. He suggested we go out to dinner. He seemed a nice guy (if a bit older than me), and there had been no overtly romantic overtones to the conversation, so on the chance that this was just someone who wanted a friendship (yeah, I can hear you laughing, but I am an optimist), I said OK.
We did go out to dinner. Had a nice conversation, etc. Then, at the end of the dinner, he said (and I paraphrase), “I meant to bring some cake to have for dessert, but I left it at my place.” He suggested going back to his place for dessert.
Alarm bells. In my brain.
I said no, thanks, really, I should go home. He said ok, can I drive you home? We had met at a restaurant near my apt, so I just said, “No, thanks, I can walk!”
"Are you sure? It’s no trouble!"
"Nope, that’s fine, I like to walk!"
And that was it. We went our separate ways, and I looked over my shoulder for a few blocks to make sure he wasn’t following me.
He later emailed (pretty politely) me about getting together again, but I didn’t know how to say, “sorry, you kind of creeped me out by asking me to come back to your place”, and so I just never replied and he stopped contacting me after about two un-responses.
This is a really mild example. The guy was not overly pushy, there was no stalking, and overall, this is not a horror story in any sense of the word.
But it creeped me out. For all the reasons listed in the comic above. If I had gone out with a guy I met once, then gone back to his apartment, and anything had happened? What would the police have said to me? What would the assumption have been?
It wasn’t worth it.
Sorry, guys, but possible relationships/sex with you is not worth the shit that society throws at women when they guess wrong and someone hurts them.
This is amazing. Like, not only does a woman have to do risk assessments, predict all the possible ways her encounter with you could go wrong, arrange to prevent or set up countermeasures for those possibilities, and take all the blame if something does go wrong, she also has to stroke your ego because your tender masculine fee-fees are hurt by her efforts to protect herself?
Glad the OP told the guy to fuck off- something tells me that any man with that big a sense of entitlement is a seriously bad romantic choice anyway.
Sometimes I’m so glad I don’t date.
back to me now
guys, please spread the word on this. Just tell someone about this. That's all I ask.
the link is here: