Hate Me

I give up;...

Finally, the month has come when my whole life would crash and I would be forced to pick it back up.

Its December. That month used to be my favorite but now is the worst time of this entire year.

"Can I come to visit with Amy? " I read his message and I breathe out to hold back my tears. Jacob wants to come to visit. Today is the only day he actually can come visit as my parents would be too busy to observe him and ask me annoying questions about him.

"Sure" I reply simply. I make it through the scattered boxes littered around the living room to a couch close to the window. I wait anxiously for Jacob and his sister. He said he'd be here by 10:00 am but it's afternoon and I still haven't seen his shadow.

He calls me and I hurry outside to meet him and his beautiful sister. I am glad he came. They come into my messy living room and my dad comes out to greet them. He gives me money to go get them drinks and I end up buying them Malt. This is a bummer cause they both turned out to hate malt.

We chat for a little while about nothing in particular. I take my sweet time admiring Jacobs's perfection. This well may be the last I'd set my eyes on him.

Unknown to them both, although we are laughing and chatting, my heart is heavy and I'm seriously fighting tears.

I wish Jacob would give me something I could hold onto and tie to him after I'm gone, but I guess not every guy is like Nathaniel.

Soon, it's time to head home and I walk them out of my compound. Jacob pulls me into a hug. A hug I wish could last forever but doesn't. It lasts a bit longer, but no matter how long, it could never fill the void in my heart.

I watch them begin to walk away from my house but I keep in touch with Jacob via the phone.

After packing all my things, I set my eyes on a little purse gifted to me by my darling Dina. She went a long way to get me this little champagne gold purse. I know the stress she went through just to get me this purse and it only makes me love her more.

Soon, the cab meant to take us to the bus station arrives. I take two last pictures in my pretty living room before walking out. My neighbor comes out to say goodbye to us. She had to induce her five-year-old daughter to sleep to avoid her crying when she sees us leaving. It hurts I couldn't get to kiss my little trouble maker one more time but, life goes on.

Just like a dream, we walk out of the compound into the cab. During the almost one hour plus drive to the bus station, I can't stop crying.

I decide to go online to cheer up but then a friend of mine sends a message asking If I'm single or not. I forward this to Jacob and he tells me to say that I am dating.

I know Jacob said he likes me, but he never actually asked me to date him. So why should I say I am dating when I am not?

I then ask Jacob if we are dating and his reply only make me cry harder.

"But babe, as much as I want to date you. I want to date you if I could be with you... Imagine us dating but never have the chance to hold, touch or kiss each other. "I go over this reply continually and I can't bring myself to come to terms with the fact that I can't ever get to the date, Jacob.

I spend the rest of the drive to the bus station crying and listening to songs like; Back to you, mess, a thousand years ETC.

I practical play every slow song in my playlist. I never fancied long-distance relationships but I like Jacob so much I was willing to try. I understand that he may not fancy such but I'm still hurt.

I haven't ever found a boy like Jacob. Not even a boy that stayed. Mohammed made a mockery of me, Victor did worst, Nathan left, Jeremy left, and now I'm leaving Jacob!  That's a compilation that excludes Junior school. Just imagine what my love life looks like if I include junior school and my outside school life!

I keep listening to music till my phone battery goes down. It goes so low I have to turn it off. We finally get into the lavish bus meant to take us to Lagos and I decided to sleep away my pain.

Although I miss my friends and all, the trip isn't all bad. Marketers on the bus make things lively to sell their products.

I had enough to eat and drink and also enough time to cry. We arrive early the next morning in Lagos. The night travel was a success.

My dad's driver comes to pick us up. He takes us to our new house which is bigger than the one we lived in Abuja. 

Jacob and I chat normally for a few days till I hardly see him online. I feel he doesn't care about me anymore cause I'm far from him. That already saddens and angers me.

When he finally comes online, he. Makes me understand that he was sick but is better now. I inquire about his health and he tells me he's fine. He then sends an "I love you" message.

My heart jumps. Coming to Lagos made me realize, Jacob meant more than a crush, attraction, or friend to me. I guess I just might have fallen deeply for him, and I mean way beyond the normal-like.

I send him over ten red heart emojis on WhatsApp and I send love stickers to him on messenger. It then hits me. What if I'm wrong and he doesn't mean it. What if he doesn't feel the same? 

"Love is a Strong word. Are you serious? " I query.

"Yh. I know what love means. I mean I like you not like like like" He replies and my soul sinks. In other words, he doesn't love me back.

I go to WhatsApp in hopes to delete all the hearts I sent before he sees them but too late. Each already has two blue ticks. He's seen them all!!

I crash on my bed and begin to cry like a big baby. To say the least, I am broken. Once again, life has punished me for a crime I know not. I have again fallen for a boy who isn't meant for me.

I'm 16 and I can't place my finger on a happy relationship I've had. I give up. I guess I just wasn't made for love.