Army Strong II- Through Hell & Back

25)Greater Pain

The next few weeks after the hearing were hard to say the least. Everything felt so unbearable... However, I had Bruce and his wife, Mary, by my side and boy, it was so good to have them there. They were supportive but never once pushed me to talk or explain. They were so understanding and patient with me... And that's exactly what I needed. 

I was finally getting back on my feet. Things were starting to look brighter. It was my third night in a row without waking up at 3am covered in sweat, crying and screaming. I was actually able to feel hungry, feel the will to eat again. I was actually able to smile and even laugh again. At times, I was even able to forget all that had happened, even if just for a second and that was a hell of an accomplishment! But good things don't last long... At least not for me.

One day, it was around 7pm, someone knocked at the door. I remember I was laughing from something Bruce had said as we were cooking dinner like one big happy family. I remember answering the door still with a smile on my face, but the moment I saw who was on the other side it faded. I didn't know the guys, but seeing the uniforms, I knew it wasn't good. 

-Sargent Jones?-One of them asked. They didn't look happy. Actually, they looked like they were carrying the weight of the world in their shoulders. 

-Yes?-I answered, scared. Bruce came to the door as well and put his hand on my shoulder. 

-Carl, Billy!-He said. I guess he knew them from the boxing gym he owned.-What brings you two shitheads here?-He joked. They remained serious and that's when I got really nervous. 

-Russel. Hugh Russel.-The guy said.-He was a member of...

-My team, yes.-I interrupted them.-What about him?-I was genuinely concerned, yet I never saw it coming. I figured that idiot had gotten his ass arrested or something... But never once did I imagine.

-Ma'am...-They were unsure of what to say.-We're sorry to inform you that Private Russel was found deceased in his apartment yesterday, hanging from the ceiling. He took his own life. We are here to express our deepest... 

They kept talking but I couldn't hear a single word they were saying. I felt Bruce's hand tighten the grip on my shoulder but after that, it all went blank. I felt like I had been pushed one step too far. I couldn't bear the pain, like physically my body was tired! I couldn't deal with it anymore! I felt my chest on fire, my lungs suddenly refusing to cooperate, my blood rushing fast through my veins, my knees weak, palms sweaty, my head reliving every moment I spent with Russel and pushing me to the conclusion that in a way I was to blame for his death. 

I could not function in that moment so I softly removed Bruce's hand from my shoulder and turned my back on them. 

-Dinner's ready!-Mary said in her innocence as I walked through the kitchen to my room. I didn't find the strength in me to stop and answer her or even look at her. I just kept going, right foot, left foot. I grabbed a bottle of vodka Bruce had in a shelf and went up the stairs. -Ellie?

-Let her go...-I heard Bruce say.

I then closed my bedroom's door and sat down in silence. Finally, the tears started falling. Then, as I put the bottle down, the rage came. Once again, I completely destroyed my room. My hand had never quite healed since I kept slamming my fists in the walls. It was nothing new. Mary and Bruce knew not to interrupt me. They were there to deal with the mess, not prevent it. 

I was deeper than I had ever been. I had never felt so low, so hopeless. I had brought him home to lose him just the same... but this time because I wasn't there for him... And in a way, that hurt even more. I had been through so many losses the last couple of years...  I felt like I couldn't carry the burden anymore. I wanted to stop feeling! The pain was so strong, yet I couldn't see it! The emotional pain, my heart literally breaking into pieces for the millionth time! I couldn't stand it anymore!

I didn't want to die. Suicide was never an option for me. I had seen enough to know my life was a blessing. I didn't want to die! But I wanted the pain to stop! I didn't know how to deal with it anymore... I wasn't thinking straight. I was shitfaced, had just drank a bottle of vodka and my thoughts didn't make sense. I wanted his face gone! Out of my head! And nothing seemed to help...  And then I looked myself in the mirror and that's when I lost it completely. I swear I saw myself covered in blood. I swear... So I came down the stairs, barely able to stand on my own. 

-Ellie...-Bruce said as he and his wife stared at me. I laughed with my eyes filled with tears. 

-I can't do this... I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD!-I said as I banged my fist on my head. 

-Stop!-Bruce got up. Mary seemed disturbed, her eyes filled with tears as well. 

-I can't, Bruce. I can't! It won't go away... All the memories, all those little moments... LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE TO HIM! LOOK! BRUCE! I KILLED ANOTHER BOY! HE WAS JUST A BOY!-I screamed, crying. Bruce was confused since he didn't know anything about my mission yet. 

-You didn't kill anyone, Elizabeth... 

-Oh, Bruce...-I laughed in between tears.-You have no idea who I am... The things I've done... I don't work right, Bruce! I'm fucked up in the head! I... I have innocent blood all over me, can't you see it?! It's all over me!

-Ellie, breathe...-He tried to get closer to me, slowly.-There's no blood. You're safe, here with us. 

-Oh, Bruce...-I smiled, knowing damn well I was about to fuck it all up.-You are so blind.-I then grabbed his car keys and just ran.

-ELIZABETH!-He screamed and ran after me but somehow, in my drunken ways, I managed to be faster than him. I started the car and drove away.-ELIZABETH! DON'T FUCKING DO IT! ELLIE! YOU'RE FUCKING DRUNK!-I heard him scream as I speed away.

I didn't want to die.  I didn't want to kill myself. Like I said, I was drunk and it all felt like a great idea. I just thought that maybe if I caused myself a greater pain, then my heart would stop hurting. So I accelerated Bruce's Dodge and once it was as fast as it could go and I was alone in the road, I just closed my eyes and let go of the wheel. I don't remember exactly what happened. I just know that the rush of leaving it all, my life included, in God's hand gave me the peace I was looking for in that moment. No painful memories, no flashbacks, nothing... Just silence.

I felt no pain. It was all so fast I didn't have time to feel anything at all. It was like I was slamming into a wall. The airbags didn't work so I hit my head on the wheel hard and after that, it all went black.