Army Strong II- Through Hell & Back

38)Heartfelt

I had no idea where we were going. I just pretended I did. I was so thirsty, it had been at least 2 days since our water ended. I could barely even see where we were going, my vision was blurred, it was so hot... My skin was red, painful to touch. I had lost count of how many days we had been waking and honesty, I was tired. Not tired like I needed to rest, just overall tired of fighting. My body was begging me to stop, sit down, sleep... My mind kept playing in replay every mistake I had ever made. 

At some point, I looked to the left, and then to the right. My team was gone, I was left alone with all the coffins in my closet, the ghosts of everyone I had lost, my parents, my friends, wounded, waking dead, besides me. My eyes filled with tears, but I didn't stop moving. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot, one foot after another, step by step, I feared if I stopped, I wouldn't be able to start again. I feared if I let those ghost catch me, they wouldn't let go. 

I kept moving, slow but steady, until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

-We...-Michael collapsed to his knees.-We need to stop...-He struggled to speak. 

-Negative. We keep moving.-I tried to sound strong, as I watched the ghost getting closer.

-I CAN'T!-He screamed and broke down crying.-ENOUGH'S ENOUGH! WE'RE NOT GETTING ANYWHERE! WE ARE FUCKING DYING! 

I sighted and looked at the boys. They looked terrible to say the least. They had dropped a lot of weight, and most of them already had a low fat percentage before all this. Their eyes had sunk, their skins were dry, cracking, they looked exhausted, breathing fast, most of them didn't even know where they were anymore.

-Aaliyah?-Trevon held me by the shoulders, looking me deep in the eyes... That was his wife's name. 

-Fuck outta here, man!-I pushed him back. He landed right on his back.-Get your shit together! 

-Jones?-He looked confused.

-Ain't that better now?-I shook my head.-Alright, lets rest a bit-I looked around. The ghosts were nowhere to be seen.- At least while Vargas over there gets over his midlife crisis. 

-Fuck you, Elisabeth!-He got up.-This is all your fault!-He got in my face.-YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LEAD US! WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GOING? WHERE'S THE BASE? WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?

-Look, man... I'd punch you, but honestly, you're not even worth the effort. Good thing I don't have to explain myself to you. You answer to me. If I tell you to go and jump out of a bridge, you do it. That simple. 

-Fuck you! I don't answer to you anymore. Fuck this! I've got nothing to lose. 

-You really don't wanna go down that road, Vargas. Not with me, punk! I swear I'll drag your ass out of here, just to throw it in jail! Don't play with me! 

-ENOUGH!-Perry screamed.-I'm done watching you measure dicks! Every goddamn day someone decides to challenge the chain of command! For fuck's sake! Feels like I'm in kindergarten! Jones in charge. We joined her team, willingly. She's in charge! If you don't want to follow the leader, fucking leave! We're fucking dying out here! The boat we're in is fucking sinking and each and every one of you is pulling in a different direction! How is that supposed to help us?! Get your shits together already, before I lose my own! 

We were haunted by a long period of silence after Perry's speech. 

-Alright...-I finally broke the ice.-Let's all sit down for a while, gather as much strength as we can... We are getting out of here, boys, but we must walk ourselves out. 

Everyone agreed. I sat down, against this rock. I swear I only closed my eyes for a second, but when I opened them again, the sun was starting to get low. I looked around, the boys were all knocked out. It took everything in me to get up, and I felt dizzy immediately. I checked the boys to see if they were still breathing. They were all alive, barely breathing, but alive. Then I checked Scott. I put my hand in front of his mouth. Nothing. I put my finger in his neck looking for a heartbeat, nothing. I laid my head in his chest. Motionless, no sound. I started CPR immediately but I was so exhausted. Perry opened his eyes, looking at me. 

-We're all gonna fucking die...-He whispered and then smiled. I kept pushing Scott's chest.-He was gonna be a father... Heather... She...-He blacked out again. 

I tried and tried but he was too far gone and I was running out of energy. I looked down. Scott was dead. I had lead him to his death. Suddenly, my shoulders felt heavier. I had made a child be born into this world without a father. I was head of the team, there was no one else to blame. It was on me. 

I sat besides his lifeless body for a while. When I lifted my head, there he was. There was his body laying next to me, and his ghost right in front of me. 

-I'm sorry...-I whispered. I wanted to cry but my body was unable to produce any tears. 

-You killed me.-He said.-I'll never meet my child, never see my girlfriend's face again... It will break her heart. 

-I know. I tried, I just...

-IT WASN'T ENOUGH!-His ghost screamed at me.-You didn't try hard enough.-I looked down.-But don't worry. Soon, there will be more of us to remind you of it every fucking day of your miserable life. 

-I can't believe it...-I whispered.-This can't be it... I can't die like this... I always pictured I'd go differently... Maybe a headshot, taken hostage and murdered, bleed out, blown away... But out of dehydration? That's gotta be the shittiest way to go. 

-Better than killing yourself.-Russel's ghost said. 

-You're here too? Hell of a party!-I sighted. -Why'd you do that, man?! I loved you! You were like a fucking brother to me! And all of a sudden, what? You decided it was too much? After everything we went through?  All you accomplished was to pass on your pain to someone else. Us! We had to stay here, deal with everything you thought was too much AND the pain of losing you! 

-Not everyone's strong...

-It ain't about strength, goddammit! You think I'm strong? I'm fucking dying out here, dragged down a couple of great guys with me, that's strength?! 

-You're still alive. 

-Well, I'm not sure anymore since I'm talking to you. And if I am, I won't be for long. I... I can't believe I lost you like that... I worked so hard! Left a part of myself there to bring you home! And you come home to kill yourself... After everything...

-Because of everything, Ellie... I couldn't sleep, every time I closed my eyes, it was right there... Everything we went through... The ghosts... I wasn't strong enough.

-No, Russel... You are one of the strongest man I know. You faced hell with me and made it out! You pushed through. And you made it! You got back home! Then somewhere along the way you gave up... And that I will never be able to forgive you for. They say you never know how strong you are until your only option is to be strong, right? That's exactly how you get through. You give yourself no other option. You get up, grind your teeth and fight! And tomorrow, you do the same! It will never get easier, but you... You will grow stronger. 

-Exactly... Would you like to explain me what the hell are you doing there, then? Scott's gone. Your men soon will follow. Maybe it's time to get up, grind your teeth and fight! I'm sure you and Vargas will have adorable kids, I'd like to see that.-He smiled at me. I smiled back.