Army Strong II- Through Hell & Back

9)Unsainted

I lighted up a smoke. It was so early not even the sun was up yet. It was the day after my first night back at the base. The fresh air was kissing my skin softly. Winter was around the corner and for some reason, the cold always made me feel like I had a chance to start again.

-I missed finding you in the early hours of the morning...-Vargas whispered behind me. I couldn't help but smile at the sound of his voice.-Glad to see nothing's changed.

-Everything's changed...-The thought saddened me.

-I think you wish they were, but deep down, you're still the same...

-You're wrong.-I looked back at him.-I'm not the same anymore.

-Oh yeah?-He smiled and got closer to me, standing by my side, watching the sun being born.-What's so different about you?-I looked to the sun as well and then was haunted by a long period of silence. I had so much to say, I ended up speechless.

What was different about me? Well... Everything. I felt invincible. I felt indestructible, unbeatable! I had become ruthless, fearless... I had nothing left to lose. Everyone I ever loved was dead. Vargas used to light up a spark in my heart but not anymore. Not under all that rage. There was nothing left to fear. I had no one to come home to. There was nothing anyone could take away from me anymore. My heart was frozen. When I wasn't pissed off, I was just numb... They had killed the saint in me. I was finally the monster they made me.

-So?-He looked at me.-What's so different?

-You'll see.-I threw away my smoke and went away.

I spent the whole morning working out with the rookies. Gosh I was definitely out of shape.

-Jones!-The big boss called out.-What the hell are you doing? I've been looking for you for ages now!

-Sir!-I saluted him, breathless.

-C'mon! You need to be training with your own. Your team.

-Sir, yes, sir!-I moved right away.

-There she is!-Cooper screamed as he spotted me.

-Missed me, girls?-I joked.

We walked up to one of the training courses. It was different from what I remembered. As we started going through it, I started feeling the changes and so did they. I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I couldn't bear the thought of depending on someone, or having someone helping me out. I just wanted to do it all by myself.

-Grab my hand, Jones!-Russel said. We were facing this big wall. Bradley and Collins had helped him up. They also lifted Vargas and Cooper. They were supposed to pull the rest of us up now.

-I got this.-I told him and tried to figure it out on my own.

-I got you, Ellie. C'mon!-He insisted.

-I said I got this!-Everybody was already on top. I was the only one still trying to figure it out.-I'll catch you up ahead.-I told them but they didn't move.

-There's no other way, Jones.-Vargas said.-Give me your hand.

-No.-I tried to catch some balance and jump it but I fail. Pretty miserably to be honest.-Fuck!

-Fine.-Vargas sat down at the top and so did the rest of the boys.-Whenever you're ready, Jones.-He was pretty pissed. I kept trying, by myself, failing every time.

-The fuck's this?!-A higher ranked Sarg., the one training us, came to us after like 5 minutes.-If this was war, you'd be long dead, miss Jones. I guess you grew soft.

-You wish...-I whispered to myself and tried again.

-Why won't your team help you?-He looked at them. They shrugged their shoulders.

-I don't need anybody...-I whispered and tried once again.

-What's that?

-I said I. Don't. Need. ANYBODY!-I tried again and this time actually made it.-Fucking hell!-I was genuinely proud of myself.

-Oh you don't need anybody?-He asked me.

-I got this.

-No. You don't. After all this time, you still don't know how the game is played.-He shook his head.

We moved on. I kept staying in my own lane. They boys eventually stopped offering help.

It was an exhausting day, yet I had never felt more energized! I was truly happy to be back. By dinner time, I grabbed my share of food and went to sit next to the boys.  They all looked at me.

-Finally decided we're worthy of your sympathy?-Russel asked, pretty pissed off.

-No hard feelings, right?-I smiled. He shook his head, disappointed and kept eating his food.

They gave me the silence treatment. The ambient was pretty heavy at our table. Looking back, I realize they weren't to blame for everything that had happened to me in the last months, however in that moment, I wasn't really myself and I didn't have patience for their shit.

I got up and left, trying to look as unbothered as possible. I came outside and lighted up a smoke.

-What are you doing, Ellie?-I heard the big boss behind me. I shrugged my shoulders.

-Smoking?

-If I knew this new you I would've never brought you back.-I looked at him.-This new you... Even though you carry yourself as some kind of upgraded version of the exterminator, this new you stinks! I can see the weakness in your eyes, in the way you move, everywhere.

-I'm not weak!-I said in between my teeth, pissed off.

-You are!-He raised his voice.-You are weak!-I looked away. My blood was boiling.-You seem to have lost all sense! You make yourself a sheep! And you know what really gets my nerves going? All the potential you CHOOSE to waste because of you sick distortion of reality!-He got on my face.-You've been there, you've seen it with your eyes, Jones! Do you really think you can conquer the desert alone?

-I've done it before...-I looked down. This wasn't particularly my favorite subject.

-You were lucky!-He was really starting to get on my nerves and the worst was that he was doing it on purpose.

-No luck, all skill...-I tried to sound cold.

-See? That cockiness, that excessive confidence... I'm afraid to send you back there and God knows I needed you there! But you're not you anymore and I fear it's not in your intentions to come back.

-Maybe I'm not. When did that start to matter?-I threw away my smoke and smiled.

-The thing is you're so driven in your own self destruction you'd let every body drown if that meant you were there as well. I don't know you anymore... And I don't trust you one bit.

-If it was in my plans to drown, I wouldn't be practicing my swimming, Sir. If you excuse me, have a good night.-He nodded and I went back to my bedroom.

Deep down, I knew he was right but I was afraid to feel. I was afraid to get attached. What was I supposed to do? Listen to my common sense or that little devil on my shoulder?