Army Strong II- Through Hell & Back

21)Toy soldiers

It was just a fucking kid! He should be about 10! What the fuck was I supposed to do?! Kill a kid? Let him go after killing one of my best friends? I looked at Vargas again. I could see the rage building up inside him. Cooper kept screaming at the kid for him to put his gun down. 

It was disturbing. As I took a good look inside his eyes, I realized war was all he knew. There was no shine, no childhood sparkle, no hope, no dreams, no goals. It was just soulless black eyes, filled with nothing but rage, hate and violence. A child soldier. I knew about their existence, I had heard stories before but I had never been face to face with one. This is the kind of shit that gives us nightmares for life. 

Vargas got up. Collins was like a brother to him. They were friends from day 1. I could see by his body language that he was blind. He didn't see a kid standing in front of him. He saw nothing but the finger that pulled the trigger. His breathing was fast paced, his cheeks were red, eyes wide open. He was foaming at the mouth. As he took a step towards the kid, I pulled him back. He looked at me like he was gonna rip my head off. I stared right back, inside his eyes.

-Stay put.-I told him.-That's an order, private.

-I can't!-He answered me. He wasn't trying to defy me or disrespect me. There was this honesty in his voice and i just knew it was too much to ask. 

The situation was escalating quickly. Vargas was ready to do something that would weight heavy on his shoulders once he cooled down. Cooper was literally screaming at the kid to drop the gun, pushing him over the edge a little bit more every time. Russel was having a full on panic attack. The guys behind us kept discussing between them, some defending we should let the kid go, others arguing there was no saving for that kid and sparing his life would mean more casualties on our side. 

I was in charge. It was my call to make, yet I couldn't bring myself to decide. That's war. None of the million stories i have, nothing I have ever been through in my missions could explain better what war really looks like. This is it. Reality at its finest, unfiltered.

It all seems so easy in the movies, so physical... We train, take our bodies beyond the limit but no training could prepare you for cruelty you experience in a war site. The hardest part isn't the running, the shooting, the extreme conditions or the lack of them. The hardest part is the mental. There's dead people, injured people, dying innocent everywhere. Every day is kill or be killed and it might sound like an easy choice, an obvious answer but it only sounds like it. The misery you see every day is like a virus, it gets inside you, turns your heart black. You don't even notice 'cause you're so busy trying not to get killed but once things go quiet and you're back home surrounded by your friends, your family, that's when you realize... You can't survive the war. Your body comes back but you're gone! And you look in the mirror and you have no idea who's staring back at you. You're gone. Lost in the desert, like all the friends you saw fall besides you. You can't unsee the things you've seen. You can't forget what you've experienced. Everyone around you is so full of life, so happy in their ignorance... Yet, you've seen evil. You've seen the true essence of Men. You've walked through hell. There's no going back from that. 

I took too long. I couldn't make up my mind, the situation got heated and the kid raised his gun again. I couldn't avoid it anymore. I pulled out my 9mm and shot him in the head. Immediately, everyone got silent. Vargas looked at me with his eyes wide open with surprise this time. It hit him immediately what had just happened. It hit everyone. 

I felt crushed! I lost my north. I dropped my gun, my hands were shaking. I felt worse than shit, unworthy of the very air I was so hard struggling to breathe. It was just a kid... 

Vargas was still looking at me. Everyone was, really. Even those whispering we should put him down were now shocked with what had just happened. 

-What have you done...?-Vargas asked me, overwhelmed.