A Day in the Night Sky

Kabanata 20

Reason

Living and dying are the same. We lose chances. We lose people. We lose ourselves. We lose everything. All those happen whether we're breathing or not.

"Yna, kumain ka na. Please, anak. Help yourself, too."

I woke up screaming in a hospital days ago. Even when they transferred me to a bigger room with a lot of windows, I couldn't calm down. I just can't. Everything is reminding me of that place.

We travelled to God-knows-where. The next thing I knew is that I'm already here, staring into the open. And only staring at it.

Tapos na rin ang eleksyon. I know. Because when I was back there, I kept counting just to momentarily forget.

"What do you want to do, Yna? Pinadala ko na rito ang mga gamit mo sa pagpinta. Maybe you want to paint?"

Hindi sa wala akong naririnig, ngunit ang utak ko na mismo ang ayaw makinig. Walang pumapasok sa isip ko. Wala itong tinatanggap.

Nandito ako sa kwarto, pinapalibutan ng mga taong hindi ko kilala at kilala ko. Ngunit ang diwa ko'y nandoon pa rin sa lugar na 'yun. Kahit sa panaginip, kahit sa realidad, kahit saan.

Bawat sulok ng kwartong ito ay nagpapaalala sa akin sa masamang panaginip. Bawat yapak, bawat haplos, bawat tunog, naalala ko lahat.

"I've cooked your favorite, Yna. I know you miss this."

I'm slowly losing grasp of reality. I feel like things are slipping out of my hand, one by one. And I couldn't do anything but watch how everything just escapes from my hold.

Hindi ko pinansin ang tinuran ng kung sino man sa tabi ko. I stared into the vast green and watched how the sun continued glaring as it poured into my windows every day like it always did back then.

When the night comes, I close my eyes and forcefully bring myself to sleep just so I could forget. For just a little while.

It's quite unfair how the world continues in its pace and mine just had to stop. While I'm crumbling, Earth continues to spin ceaselessly. Life continues to unfold tirelessly for the others.

Bakit ako, hindi ko magawa?

"It's been a week. Still no response. This is going to be harder than I thought."

Even when their voices are hushed, I could still hear them loud and clear. Kaya lang, wala akong maintindihan sa lahat ng ito.

My senses are slowly giving in to the darkness. And I couldn't do anything than to helplessly watch as they do.

Mariin kong pinikit ang aking mata nang sumara na naman ang pinto. Pinigilan ko ang panginginig sa takot hanggang sa lumipas ang ilang minuto.

Tahimik ko lang na tinanaw ang pagsayaw ng kurtina sa gilid ng bintana. The sun is slowly setting in the horizon.

The purplish hue of the skies spread in abstract patterns, overlapping the remnants of the clouds that are persistently asking for a little more exposure. The setting sun is close to nothingness.

Binaba ko ang aking tingin mula sa langit tungo sa malawak na hardin na pumupuno sa linya ng aking paningin.

Canopies of evergreen life stretched from left to right, with the flowers beneath them. It looked like a spin in the color wheel, where all shades of life were painted and splashed freely on the ground that seemed to be an empty canvas eagerly waiting for the touch of the Artist's fingertips.

Everything screamed of life. Everybody in this room are breathing. I am breathing, too. In all sense, I am existing. But I'm quite unsure if this is what living truly feels like.