Gleaming Part

....11

Chapter 11

We were silent the whole ride and I can't help but notice Thomas keeps on glancing at me.

I sighed, "If you wanna ask something, shoot."

"Anong nangyari?" I scoffed at his question.

I looked at him and he grew serious. I cleared my throat.

"May oras ka pa talaga maging ganiyan, Cadie? Nagaalala ako sa'yo tapos ganiyan ka pa?" I frowned. I sighed and sat straight.

He sat closer to me and pulled down my hoodie.

I was about to look away when he held my cheek.

"Titignan ko. Huwag kang malikot." He said seriously that made me stop.

"Sa mukha lang ba meron?" He said after looking at my face.

Natahimik ako. Umigti ang panga niya at huminga ng malalim. "Kasalanan ko 'to. Kaya ka nasaktan ng ganito. If only I knew this would be the outcome I would never even tr—" I squeezed his hand.

"Thomas, tama na. Hindi ka na ba napapagod kakasisi sa sarili mo? Tuwing nasasaktan ako sinisisi mo lagi sarili mo. Mas sinisisi mo pa sarili mo kaysa kina mommy. Hindi ka pa ba pagod?" He squeezed my hand tighter.

"Paano ako mapapagod sa kakasisi ko sa sarili ko kung nandiyan ka pa rin sa kalagayan mo kahit alam ko na? Paano ko hindi sisisihin ang sarili ko kung hindi kita malabas don sa bahay na iyon? Pinsan kita, Cadie. Pamilya. Pero wala pa rin ako magawa." Umiling kaagad ako.

"Hearing me out is enough for—"

"Hindi ko pa malalaman kung hindi ko nakikita, Cadie. Hindi mo aaminin kung hindi ko napapansin. Pati sa'kin nag tatago ka na. Pati sa'kin! Akala mo hindi ko nakikita mga laslas mo? Akala mo hindi ko nakikita pinaggagawa sa'yo ng tatay mo? Akala mo hindi ko napapansin na hindi ka na nakakakain? Akala mo hindi ko napapansin lahat?" Tumaas ang boses niya kaya napapikit ako. Nanginig kaagad ako. Nanlamig.

Napansin iyon ni Thomas at biglang lumambot ang tingin niya sa'kin.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—" he was about to hug me when I moved back.

Natakot ako. Fear was evident all around me. Takot ako kasi kahit na sino alam kong kaya ako saktan. Natatakot na ako.

He was about to say something when my phone rang. Nakita ko na si Eugene ang tumatawag.

"What's up?" I tried to say cheerfully.

"I can't join you guys, today. Something came up sa family." I heard him sigh.

"Oh, it's okay, Eugene! Walang problema!"  I giggled.

"You sure you're okay?" I feel the frustration in his voice.

"Are you sure, you're okay?" I asked back.

"It's just a family gathering, so I guess?" He was unsure about it.

"Tell me about it after, Eugene." He was silent for a good 2 minutes when he sighed.

"I value you too damn much, Cadie. I love you. Talk to you later." Napangiti naman ako nang dahil don.

"I love you too. Bye." Binaba ko na ang tawag at tinignan uli si Thomas.

Nagulat ako dahil namamaga ang mata niya at namumula ang ilong.

"Hey..." I placed my hand on his cheek and he slowly looked away. I felt tears on my hand.

"Thomas. Look at me." Umiling siya at suminghot.

"Thomas." I called him again and he looked at me.

His bloodshot eyes pierced through me, it's telling me that he's in deep pain.... because of me.

Ayoko sa lahat nasasaktan ang taong mahalaga sa'kin dahil lang sa nangyayari sa buhay ko. It's like I'm bringing up pain that they don't deserve.

Nakarating kami sa bahay ni Cameron at nakita kong nag aabang na sila sa front door palang.

Nang nakita ang van, napangiti sila at nag uunahang lumapit sa van.

Binuksan ni Thomas ang kotse at naunang bumaba. They all looked at him and their smiles faded, they looked at me and their eyes screamed worry.

Dahan-dahan akong bumaba at ngumiti sakanila.

"Hi, everyone." I tried to smile at them but they remained serious, curious, and in pain.

Huminga ako ng malalim at tinignan sila, "Pasok na tayo?"

They didn't even move a bit and I looked at them.

They looked at each other and went back to me again.

I think its the best time to tell them. "Halika, pasok na tayo. May sasabihin ako sainyo."

We were all scattered in Cameron's bed room floor. We created a circle and I smiled as they just looked at me.

I looked at Cameron and he was beside me, he was just tracing imaginary doodles on the floor that made me smirk. I looked at Greg, just looking at me while tapping the floor. I looked at Grace, pinching herself, she does that when she's uneasy. I looked at Ashley, her eyes are watery and she's trying her very best not to cry. Lastly, I looked at Thomas, sighing every now and then.

One's missing but this is what I already call my family. One's missing but, I value them so much.

"I've read your entries..." panimula ko kaya nag angat sila ng tingin sa'kin.

"And I know you already had hints on what's happening to me." I sadly smiled at them. It hurts seeing them hurt because of me. But, I chose to trust them. I chose to take this risk. Hindi naman malalaman ni Daddy. Hindi.

"I know all of you labeled me as your ear and listener. I know all of you wrote that I need someone like me too. And I know that you guys want me to open up. I am a person who doesn't share that much. I don't know share the deepest things. But, I think it's the time now." I felt Cameron held my hand and squeezed it. I smiled at him and nodded. Signaling I'm going to be okay.

"It happened when I was around 14 years old. My mom and dad had frequent fights. I always here shouting, crying, and even thud noises that makes it hard to avoid. Nag aaway pa nga lang affected na ako." Natawa ako, "Paano pa kaya kung ako na mismo sumasalo ng lahat?"

I continued, "When they always fight. Sa'kin nilalabas lagi galit ni papa. He says so many painful things, and even hurt me for the very first time. His anger issues became worse. Until that night, I knew the reason why they always fight. Why mama had bruises and wounds all over her. It's because dad was very sexually active. When Kuya Kane and Mama left that night. Ako ang binaboy ni papa. Imagine, I lost my innocence to someone I trusted the most. Tiniis ko lahat ng masasakit na salita at pananakit niya sa'kin. Pero, binaboy ako na parang hindi ako anak." Nanginig ako. I looked at them and they were already crying.

"Ilang beses na ako nahawakan at binaboy ng tatay ko. Kaya ayoko na hawakan niyo ako basta-basta. Because in one single touch? I can feel pain, disgust. Nasasaktan ako, kasi nakikita ko kung paano kayo nasasaktan kapag hindi ako lumalapit sainyo, pero inintindi niyo pa rin ako." I sobbed.

"Alam kong alam niyo eh. Kasi paminsan nakikita ko kayong tumititig sa'kin. Alam kong alam niyo kasi hindi naman hahayaan ni Thomas na maging ganito ako. Alam kong alam niyo." I wiped my tears and sobbed.

"May hindi nakakaalam neto. Kasi sigurado ako kapag nalaman niya 'to. Malaking gulo ang mangyayari." I nodded at what Cameron said.

Natawa ako ng mahina, "Alam ko. Alam kong hindi pwede sabihin kay Eugene 'to. Kasi magkakagulo kapag nalaman nga. Malaking gulo ang mangyayari. Mapapahamak kayo. Mapapahamak sila."