DON'T READ ------------------------------- Always (Trevor Moran)

Sometimes I Feel Like Nothing (Bonus #4)

"And I didn't want to lose you
But sometimes I forget when my prayers feel like they're just cigarettes.
They'll take the headache away, then turn to ash,
But they bring me back to life every time I find a new light,
But then they bring up my past,
And I fall further and further, and further,
Until I'm afraid to get back up because
I don't want to fall again." 

- Hotel Books, "Sometimes I Feel Like Nothing"

 TRIGGER WARNING/ SPOILER:

If you are uncomfortable with depression, suicidal tendencies, or self-harm, I must tell you that this chapter does future that. It's been brought to my attention by Wattpad that according to the new guidelines, we should be providing a positive community, and although I do not condone any of this, it's for the sake of the story. Please do not do what happens in this, promise me? It should not be glorified/romancized, I apologize if that struck a nerve or two.

Also, please be aware that I do not want you to self-harm or be in a bad place. If you are, you can contact me, someone you trust, or a professional. There are multiple online references, also. You are not alone, and you can get through this. I believe in you, we all do. Please be safe, lovelies. xx

Here's the story ~

 {Trevor's POV}

BEFORE COLLEGE

Saying goodbye hurts the most when you know it's the last word, I thought to myself, as the cigarette smoke was swirling out. The pain hurts, just knowing that your loved one was in the hospital. Not seeing her for five years.... five years. It gave me heartache to know that she was spiraling into a maniac depression - and I wasn't there to help her. I wasn't there to make her smile that bright, gorgeous smile. I wasn't there. I kept clinging onto the past and hoped the future would be the same, and cigarette smoke and broken words filled my life. They say it's hard to fall in love, but they never say how hard it is to forget how to love. So who's really right in the end?

But I always had love to blame,

I always had love to blame. 

And I don't want to see another day, I really don't want to see another day without her. 1,956 days without her in the mornings, without her beautiful smile. And I had love to blame. But maybe it's just not love's fault, but love's relative, distance. Distance was to blame. Distance was the poison that blinded the lover's eyes to the point of desperation and death. Hopefulness came in a pretty package, and, oh my God, I wanted to open it. But it was a Pandora box, releasing mega-sized depression, anxiety, stress, tears, failure, way before there was even time to let out hope. And once the box did, it was a nostrum - I'm not superstitious, so it failed to do it's job. It failed me. I failed Tabitha, and Tabitha failed to last through the struggle. 

Love and Distance was why she cuts her skin. Love and Distance was why she was still into me, after all these years. Love and Distance was why she was not okay. And Love and Distance, is what is killing you. And killing you, is killing me. 

God let me fall in love. It was such an euphoric period in my life, the best, in fact. There's an echo that just screams, it screams at me. I wasted it all, I had such potential. I really did. And love demolished that future for me, forever.