[p o e t r y]

Deafening Lonely Love

I turn 18
In 24 minutes
And part of me
Is already so disappointed
Because I wanted
My 18th birthday
To be big
Big balloons
Big building
Big party
Lots of people
Lots of love
Selfishly, maybe even
Lots of letters and gifts
I wanted to spend my first day
As a legal adult
Surrounded by people I loved
And by people who love me

But that won't happen
Not this year at least
Corona took
And my birthday party
I don't get to spend it with friends
No gifts
Or cards
No laughter
And big parties with a room
Full of big personalities
So loud with love that it's deafening
But that's okay
I can always reschedule a party

Still
I can't help
But being disappointed
That I won't get to spend
My first day as a legal adult
With those I love
I won't even get to see my mom
Who birthed me
On this day nearly 18 years ago
She's in the hospital
With my little brother
His appendix burst today
He needs her more than me tho
I just wish
I could spend my first day as a legal adult
With those I love
And who love me

It's in times like these
In the middle of social isolation
When my family is split in half
When my loved ones are all quarantined
When my brother almost died
That I'm the most saddened
By the expectation of love
And the reality of loneliness

On a day that should have been
Bursting with love
And loudness
Gifts, cake, letters
And most of all filled with people I love
I feel forgotten
I certainly don't feel 18
Not even close

But those times will come
This quarantine won't last forever
My brother is alive
My mother will come home
And soon enough
This social isolation will end
I won't be alone anymore
I'll be with people
Whom I love dearly
I will celebrate my 18th birthday
Perhaps I'll celebrate it very late
But I will celebrate nonetheless
I will have my day
Surrounded by those I love
And those who love me
So dearly
And so well
And it will be okay
It will be better than okay
It will be joyful
And I will be happy
And then,
Then
I will feel 18

(04/11/20)