[p o e t r y]

Dead At 19

I went to a friend's funeral today
Though I feel selfish
Calling him a friend
He was barely an acquaintance

I feel selfish
Calling him friend
So that it fits the heaviness
Of my mourning better

He was 19
I'm 19
I can't believe
He's dead

He asked for my number once
He was new to town
And I was one of his
First friend
I didn't give it to him
I said
"I'm not ready for dating, or marriage or anything so I can't give you my number"
I think I scared him
With that "marriage" comment
But he scared me
With his flirting
No one had ever been that
Smooth with me before

A few years later
We worked together
He used to grin a lot at work
He always grinned
Like he'd just pulled a prank
And oftentimes
He had
He liked to joke a lot like that
It was a wonder
He never got fired
I can remember him
Vaping
And drinking
And coming in high
Yet he never got fired.

Our boss came to his funeral.

He had to clean poop
Off the walls of the bathroom
At work one time
I remember
Feeling like he deserved it
I thought
Maybe it was payback
For him scaring his parents so much
They had called me earlier
Looking for their son
His dad said
"Our son never came home last night,
Is he at work? We're looking for him"
He wasn't on shift that day
So he wasn't at work
I was scared for him
And his parents were too
He showed up later that day
In a thumping green hummer
That parked obnoxiously
In the fire lane.
Turned out, he'd been with a friend
Playing tennis and drinking

I can't believe that
He's not going to turn up
This time
His car rolled
He's not coming back

He wanted to join the military
He wanted to help people
He'll never get to do that
In life
I pray he gets
To help others
In death

During the funeral
Many people sobbed
His aunt collapsed from crying
His little brother couldn't fully stand
His head in his hands
Shaggy blonde hair
Hiding the tears streaming down his face
But his shoulders shook
Too hard to hide his sobs
His mother too
More composed
But leaning on her husband
Her lifeline amidst the pain.
And his father...
His father is blind
I don't know what it's like to cry blind
But I do know
His father couldn't see
His own son's final slide show
He didn't get to see the photos
Of himself holding his son
Or of his son
Grinning through life
I cried for him
And for all the memories
He couldn't see

I also cried for our president
The president of the university
The father works at
Came to the funeral
Though he sat
With his colleagues
He still sobbed
I think he cried as much as the family
He's got a son too
About 18 years old
I think he was thinking about his son
I know my mom was

19 years old
And dead
He was my age
And he died
Alone in a car
He wasn't perfect
And I still feel selfish
Calling him my friend
But he was genuine
And my heart aches and sears
Because he's dead at 19
And that grin is never coming back again

(07/27/21)