[p o e t r y]

Best Friends Aren't Supposed To

Best friends
Are supposed to be there
When you lose the love of your life
Best friends
Are supposed to talk to you
More than once a week
Best friends
Are supposed to talk about
More than just their boyfriend
And best friends
Aren't supposed to leave you alone
Every single night
When you can barely get off the floor
Because they're out
Doing who knows what
With their boyfriend
Until 3am.
Every.
Single.
Night.

I don't know what hurt worse
The breakup
Or realizing
That you weren't coming
That I couldn't trust you to care
And that I no longer
Wanted to tell you
When I hurt

The breakup hurt more
I lost the love of my life
But I lost my best friend too
I lost her
Before I lost him
But I didn't want to admit
I had lost either
Until both were gone.

At first
I was hurt
I cried a lot
When I realized I was
Starting to lose her
And then I felt guilty
I blamed myself
"Maybe if I gave her more attention.
If I invited her to more things.
If I just communicated better
And asked less of her,
Then maybe,
Maybe she wouldn't
Stop loving me."

But she seems to have stopped

And now I'm just angry
I'm not hurt
I'm not sad
I'm just furious
Because she left me
In the time I needed her most

I couldn't get off the floor for hours
I couldn't stop crying for days
It took me TWO MONTHS
Before I could be alone at night
And be okay
And yet
I was alone
Every
Freaking
Night

Because she wasn't there
Even when I asked.

No one should have to beg
For their best friend
To meet the bare minimum.

Not even one night,
Even one,
Did she ask how I was,
Check on me,
Show me she cared.

I'm angry now
Maybe hurt too
But mostly just
So angry I could be sick

It makes me angry to see her
Stupid things make me angry
Like when she asks to borrow a drink
From my water bottle
Or my phone because hers died

Little things like that
That show neglect.
She neglected to bring her own water
She neglected to charge her phone
And she neglected me.

Best friends aren't supposed to be
Angry like this.

I hate my anger
And sometimes
I think I hate her.

11/14/22