Little White Lies | Klaus Mikaelson (1)

I Need to Sanitize My Mouth

Elena was dead. That reality was something new. But something so, abundantly clear it was as if I could taste it. Sure, she wasn't dead dead. But things would be different. Things will adjust. So will all of us.

And Tyler's death had hit next. He'd just toppled over and died following Klaus' death. Maybe it was evil of me, but I couldn't help but feel relieved it was only him. I loved him, I did, but everyone else was still here. Damon, Stefan, Caroline. I'm still not sure why he passed. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he had been turned directly by Klaus.

I trekked out early in the morning, sustained only by a water bottle in my backpack and my phone, which lost signal early in the walk. I arrived at the clearing maybe half an hour later, letting out an exhausted sigh. I'd given up in coming up with 40k. There was no way in hell I was going to ask my friends, they couldn't know about the fact I'd stolen 35k before coming to them. Not to mention I could, maybe, just hightail it out of town before the end of the week.

I'd seen pictures of this little spot on GoogleMaps, but it was nothing compared to the actual view. My breathing was halted as I placed down my bag.

The lake was twinkling, reflecting the mountains above them. The newly risen, golden sun flickered across the surface, breaking and shifting with the water's tide. The mountains dipped into the sky just enough to block some of the ineffable color that filled it. It was a beautiful sight, made better by the soft, gentle wind. It cradled my body, like a blanket, darting around my hips and my shoulders and between my legs.

I crawled towards the water's edge, sinking my hand into the surface. It ran like silk through my finger tips, spilling out around them. The chill was startling, at first, but became more blissful after a few moments. I closed my eyes and removed my hand from the water, collapsing onto my back in the green grass that lay behind me. I stared up at the feigning moon, and the rising sun. My heart slowed in my chest, as did my breathing.

I've never really dealt with the grief process.
Only once. Because for the most part, I've never really had anyone to grieve. So when I arrived home last night, alone, I didn't realize that the sinking feeling in my chest would turn into a black hole, swallowing up everything good, and bright, and happy.

It was as if I had a piece of me amputated. Like one of those games that we played as children, where you had all the different shapes and you had to fit them into the right hole. And the triangle doesn't go into the square. Because this gaping hole that that had torn into my heart has the shape of Ric's smile. Of his bourbon, his laugh, his voice. And I don't think anything will be able to fill that hole, because no one has all of those. No one has what Ric has. And no matter how much I tried to stuff a different piece in, it just didn't work.

I didn't know what was worse. The shock of what had just happened to Ric, or the ache of what never will. He doesn't get the happy ending. Or the fairytale. And it's our fault.

If his flesh couldn't be immortal, then I'll make his soul immortal instead.

It's sort of weird. Instead of being sad that they're gone right now, you get sad that they're going to be gone in the future. No more games, no more jokes, no more witty banter. Just all of those moments that you'll never be able to experience with them.

All my happy memories with Ric just made me sadder. After Jenna died, I was crushed. But I didn't feel like this. This grief... It was completely different. My heart was sort of just aching. I wanted to cry but sat the same time I wanted to throw things at everyone. Make them feel the sadness I felt. He was gone... Like genuinely gone. I can't call him up to grab coffees, I can't drink with him when I'm sad. I was missing the things that I hadn't even had the chance to experience without him.