Finding Ms. Right

Chapter 59: Fury

He was standing at my back. Magkatalikuran kami ng kinuha ko ang phone ko at sinagot iyon.

"Hello, Jana? This is Doctor Ramirez. I just want to tell you na lumabas na ang test results mo." Hindi ako nagsalita. Hindi ang sasabihin niya ang dapat kong isipin. But when he told me my real condition, mas lalo akong nanghina. Napahawak ako sa upuan na pinakamalapit sa akin bilang suporta at naramdaman ko ang saglit niyang paglingon. Why? Why do I have to know about this now if I'm currently dealing with my feelings?

"Zild," I whispered his name and I know he heard it. Pinilit kong iwaksi ang sinabi ni Doctor Ramirez sa isipan ko.

"What did you—" Pinutol ko ang tawag at binalik ang phone sa bulsa ko. I don't have to think about it now.

Nilingon ko siya at nakita siyang nakatalikod pa din sa akin. "A-are you... okay?" I want to ask him million of questions. Pero 'yan lang ang naitanong ko. His eyes may be blank but I know that he's hurting. Hindi ko nakikita pero nararamdaman ko.

He didn't look back but he spoke. "She's gone." Sa sinabi niya, natigilan ako. She's gone? Maaari kayang... si Miss Ziana ang tinutukoy niya? Lumingon siya sa akin at ngumiti ng tipid. "I did what you told me. We became okay. But the time everything went okay, she died. My siblings were able to see her but they weren't able to feel the love of a mother. But at least, she died with a smile." Sambit niya. Hindi ako napangiti sa sinabi niya pero nakaramdam ako ng saya. He listened to me. Miss Ziana died with joy and that's enough for me. Pero kahit gano'n, bakit parang nasasaktan pa din siya? Bakit malungkot siya at pakiramdam ko ako ang dahilan?

"K-Kaya ba hindi kayo pumapasok ni Niko?" Tanong ko. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin and his eyes went blank again. I can't read him again. Tangina. Bakit ba ayaw niyang sabihin kung ano ang dahilan kung bakit siya totoong nahihirapan ngayon?

I took a deep breath ng sumagi na naman sa isip ko ang sinabi ni Doc Ramirez. I can't deal with that for now.

"No." I looked at him when he said that.

"Then, why?" Tanong ko. Gusto kong malaman kung bakit hindi siya pumapasok. I admit, I missed him. But even he's here right in front of me, I still miss him. Kailan ka ba babalik?

"It's none of your business." Sambit niya at maglalakad sana palabas but I grabbed his hand. Napatigil siya at pagkalingon niya, I hugged him.

I can't stop myself anymore. This feeling... it's killing me. At hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko kapag hindi ko nailabas ito.

"Jana..." He said my name and I hugged him tighter. He held my both arms but didn't hug me back. "Let me go." Nanghina ako ng bahagya niya akong itulak para kumalas sa yakap. I stared at him with disbelief.

"I-Ikaw... manhid ka ba talaga? Hindi mo ba talaga maramdaman?" All of a sudden, those questions suddenly came out of my mouth. Gusto kong sampalin ang sarili ko dahil sa mga tanong ko pero wala na akong magagawa.

He looked at me with a blank expression. "Feel what?" Tanong niya. Hindi ako nakapagsalita dahil natigilan ako. Iyong tono niya... may bahid iyon ng galit. "You know what? This is all your fault. This misery, this longing and this fury inside of me, it's all your fault. Kung hindi mo lang sana..." Hindi niya naituloy ang sasabihin niya. His blank eyes a while ago faded. Punong-puno ng galit ang mga mata niya ngayon.

"A-ano bang sinasabi mo?"

Sa tanong kong iyon, nakita kong nilamon na ng galit ang mga mata niya. He punched the wall three times. Dumugo iyon kaya natutop ko ang bibig ko. He's giving all of his frustration and anger in that hit. Lumingon siya sa akin ulit at napaatras ako ng tignan niya ako ng matalim. "You are asking me kung hindi ko nararamdaman, diba? Let me ask you too. Did you really forgot all of those? Don't you really remember? O nagpapanggap ka lang to avoid the guilt?" Sa mga tanong niya, naguluhan ako. He's talking something else. Hindi ko makuha ang punto ng mga tanong niya. May nagawa ba akong masama? May kasalanan ba ako?