Roses Diary [S.M]

The hard truth

I sit in the hospital bed, an IV in my hand, that is giving me this wonderful pain medication. The medicine makes me feel a bit drowsy but honestly, I wish it would just knock me out completely. I would do anything to make my thoughts stop for a second.

Miscarriage... I hate that word. Even if the doctor did not confirmed it, I would have known anyway. The moment I saw the blood, I knew what was going on.

According to the doctor, taking into account the amount of blood I lost, he thinks that I had been pregnant for plus minus 4 weeks. I have been pregnant for 4 weeks and I didn't even noticed. Well, looking back the signs were clear. I mean, nauseous all the time, no energy, headache. I had it all.

If I was indeed 4 weeks pregnant, that means that it happened in Turks and Caicos. My birth control probably failed because of the food infection I had. I know that there is a high chance of a failing birth control if you are sick and throw up. That is why we didn't had any sex for days, until I knew it was save again. What I did forget was that semen stays alive inside an uterus for 5 days. 

I look around the room, as the steady beeping of the monitor fills up my ears. After my fainting accident in the kitchen, I woke up as I was carried into the ambulance. That was around 9.45 pm. It's now around 3 in the morning. Although, Kenneth went back home with baby Stephan, Ali refused to leave me alone. All the panic and the stress has knocked her out as she sits in the chair beside my bed, leaned forward with her head resting on the bed.

I never knew what hating yourself really felt like until now. I never knew I could feel like.. this. Nothing can prepare you for a moment like this. No book, no class in school. Nothing. What I do not understand is why I am feeling like this. I mean, we weren't trying to have a baby nor did I wanted one. But now that I know that something was growing inside of me. Something that was created with nothing but love, I feel empty...

I have searched online what miscarriage means. You, the mother, do something wrong. And even though, Ali, Kenneth and all the doctors that came to see me say that is not my fault. I know better. It is my fault that this happened.

I glance up, as the door of the room opens and a light strain enters the room. A nurse appears in the entrance of the room.

"Hey, I didn't expected you to be up." She says as she looks at me with a warm smile on her face.

The sound of her voice, wakes up Ali as she jerks up from her previous laying position. Our eyes lock for a second as rubs in her eyes. Within a second, the pitiful look is back on her face.

"How is it going?." The nurse now speaks up loudly because there is no one she has to be quiet for anymore. She walks to to monitor and check the data it records.

I shrugs my shoulders. "I have been better." To be honest, I feel like shit. All the energy is sucked out of my body.

She gives me an apologetic smile. "Maybe if you eat and drink something, you will feel a bit better."

I doubt it but take the energy bar and the bottle of water from her anyway.

"If you need anything, just give me a call, sweetheart." I nod my head and the nurse leaves the room again, closing the door behind her. Ali reach to switch on the light next to the bed but doesn't say anything. I think neither of us knows what to say right now.

I sip on the water as I stare at my now cleaned, covered with white sheet legs as they upon a few hours ago were covered in blood.

"Shawn texted me about 20 minutes ago that he had landed at LAX." Ali says quietly.

Shit... Shawn... I can just picture his face when he hears the news. I don't know if I can look him in the eye after losing a child of his.