Alive

Chapter 34

Elle

(Saturday, May 18)

"Sleep now, Ellie."

The last words Kirk whispers in my ear, his voice gentle as he slips the needle into my skin. Alone with me in the hospital room. The cold hospital room.

I hear beeping. Voices somewhere down the hall. The squeak of the stool as Kirk leans forward. Watches me. He never looks away, hardly blinks. As things...things start to fade.

Flickers of gray, overtaking my vision. Blurred lines. Slowed heart. Slower than it's been since I can remember. Calm. Complete calm.

Then calmer. And calmer. Kirk's eyes swim in my peripheral vision. Wavering in and out, like the white walls, the picture of the ocean on the wall. All of it. Fading. Like my heartbeat. Slower. And slower.

I'm so tired.

"It's okay to rest sometimes, Ellenor."

Who's that? I jump at the voice. Quiet, gentle. Female. I open my eyes. Frown, because things...things are different. Like someone put a green filter over the fluorescent lights. And Kirk... I turn to look at him. But he's...he's like a shadow. Or more like a blurred figure, still leaning beside me.

What...what's going on? What's happening? I flinch, the second Kirk starts moving again. Closer to me.

Before I can think, I scramble forward, off the bed.

But Kirk doesn't react, and when I turn around, I...I can't breathe. But that's not the right word, because now I get it. I haven't been breathing this entire time. And that...that's my body. Kirk's checking my pulse. The heart monitor flatlines.

I fall forward, press my palms against the bed. I can't really feel it. Not the way I used to. It's...like I could push through it. But I don't. I just stand here. Watch Kirk place a kiss on my forehead. Walk out.

I'm...

I'm dead.

I blink, stare down at my hands.

Slide down to the ground.

Just like that. It's all I can think. Over and over. 'Just like that.' Like a candle being snuffed out. I was, and then...and now...

My name. Being called in the distance. The same voice as before. I lift my head, frowning. It's clear, but far. So far away. Down the hall. And before I know what I'm doing, I'm standing. Walking toward the door. But...I can't touch it. Can't grab the handle.

"Ellenor."

I stumble, fall through it, onto my knees. But I stay there a second because I know that voice. I know it. I remember it. Her.

"Mom," I whisper, not daring to look up. Unable to. I don't know why. But I feel her. Somewhere close.

"Ellenor."

"Mom." I choke the word out, pushing myself to my feet. I have to. And I follow her voice. Down the hall, then another. Everything is tinted green. Rippling. Like it's transient. And I'm the only solid thing around. I look up at the ceilings, at each door, at the blurs of people passing by. But I keep moving, keep waiting for her to appear around every corner.

"Ellenor."

"Mom, where are you?" I call. My voice echoes, like I'm in a large auditorium. Like the walls are made of tin.