Alive

Chapter 30

Elle

(Friday, May 17)

Oh my god.

I'm sitting in my car, listening to the creaks in the engine, the pulse of my heartbeat pounding in my ears. But my breath is steady. My body is warm. The sun is setting, and all around colors seem to be going crazy. Maybe it's the lighting, but I've seen sunsets countless times, and nothing's ever looked like this. Full, I guess. Like everything's suddenly a possibility. My seats are grey, but I'm wondering whether I should cover them with something pretty. Floral designs, or just an interesting pattern with a nice soft texture. I don't know.

Really I don't. I'm just waiting. Staring at my hand with this smile I can't seem to rub away, no matter how many facts demand that I should. Maybe I'm too used to fear. Because right now it just seems irrelevant. Like why the hell should I care? I've been scared of things for years. But this? This floaty, weird feeling? I can't compare it to anything, really. The closest is watching a show, watching Oliver perform, but let me tell you. That's nothing compared to this. Everything else in my entire life is nothing compared to this.

So there it is. Fear, floating around me, like I see it but I just don't care. In fact, I'm glancing around at the windows, wondering how the hell I never noticed how incredible it is that I can just push a button for them to roll down. How I never stopped to think about the fact that billions of species of plants are growing right now. Doesn't matter what anyone does, they'll grow. And how beautiful they are. How incredible it is to have lungs to breathe with. Eyes that can see galaxies billions of miles away. Ears to hear music with, listen to the wind and birds and people talking. A nose to smell cinnamon rolls and Celeste's perfume and Oliver... Touch. I tug against the latex glove, pulling it off, wiggling each finger as I remember how each of his fit into them.

Touch.

What does fear have on any of this? Fear. This thing, this character trait. At least that's what it's felt like up until now. Like it's my worst enemy, my best friend. The part of me that keeps me safe. Keeps my house clean. My body clean. Everything clean and good and right. Fear keeps you alert. Keeps you looking, always looking, always working, always progressing.

But right now... Maybe it's just a break. A mental lapse from everything. But right now, fear is sitting beside me, and fear is someone else. Someone horrible.

The only one I let touch me for so long. And for what? For what? I yank down the mirror, open it, stare at myself. Really stare at myself. It's the first time I've thought about how interesting my nose is, and how dark the circles are under my eyes, and how patchy my last haircut was. The first time I look and see my mom, my dad, and then just...me. I'm kind of attractive. Attractive?

Maybe not anymore. Because now I'm crying. One tear and then another. But I'm smiling too. And before I can think twice, I open my mouth. Stare into my own eyes, drink in every detail. Each color.

"Hi," I whisper. "Nice to meet you."

God, I'm crazy. But I'm also alone, and this makes sense, in some weird way. Like there's been this demon in my head, tormenting me. Bullying me, and blinding me for as long as I can remember. But one touch from Oliver, and...

This. Me, quiet in my car. Alone. With me. The me here and now. Apart from that demon. That fear. Just Ellenor.

Whoever that is.

"Sorry." The passenger door opens, and I jump as Oliver slides in. "I changed inside."

"That's fine," I say. My fingers are acting up as I try to put the key in the ignition. Like I can't make them stop shaking. And there's color in my face, this weird invisible force making me feel like I'm not allowed to look at him. But of course, now that's all I want to do. This is weird. And I can look at him if I want. So I do. Just a quick glance.