Alive

Chapter 32

Elle

(Saturday, May 18)

This is the part where I should describe some larger than life epiphany. The part where I'm suddenly cured. Where my love for Oliver overrides everything else. Where I realize how silly I've been. This entire time, how ridiculous my fears are.

Oh, I know.

I know.

If I were telling Celeste about this, I know she'd have this grin on her face. I know she'd try to hug me. I know she'd think something like, "finally".

I'd like to think "finally" too. I really would.

But here's the truth.

I was ready to kiss Oliver. So ready. I was willing to push every boundary to show him what he means to me. And I'm not...it's not like I don't want this. My body is limp. Weak to Oliver. Every time he touches me it...it feels good. I can't say it doesn't. Because it does. And it's not like I'm resisting as he tugs against my clothes. I'm not saying no, and I don't even want to say no. There's not really any part of me that wants to say no.

Except... Except all of me. I guess. I've got my eyes closed, thinking that might help. And I'm screaming at my mind not to mess this up. Not to fucking mess this up. Because I walked out on that rock today. I saw the ocean. I kissed Oliver. I've touched him. And I'm still alive. Alive. Then what's my problem? There is no problem. Nothing wrong.

So I'm going to do it. The fact is, I might never get better. I know what Oliver said. But Oliver hasn't been in here. Up in my head. Maybe this is just me, and if it is...I'd rather fight every thought and do it, then avoid it and live with the regrets. I'd rather experience all of it, than none of it.

And it feels good. It does. It's exciting, and scary, and exhilarating. The way I'm exposed to him. The way he settles between my legs. The feeling of his stomach against my thighs. Then his lower stomach. Then.

Then.

That. That part of him. You know. It's right there. Oliver is taking a while, or maybe I'm just so scared that time slows down again. Because I'm thinking all the wrong things. All the wrong ones. Like about STDs. Obviously I don't have any. I never even touch myself, just to be safe. But this? This is so unsafe. There's nothing between us. And Oliver... Who knows if he's been safe before this. This isn't his first time. Just mine. And I want to play it cool. God, I want to be half as cool as I know some of the other girls are that he's been with.

But now I'm thinking about them. I can put faces to some of them, and suddenly it just feels like they're here. Like their germs are still there, somewhere and oh my god. They'll be inside me. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Then there's the finish. Right? I can barely think about it. I don't know how I'm even able to think about it.

That stuff... You know. I'll have to clean it up, and what if it gets on my blanket, plus then there's the fact that we're sweating. I can feel it, between our skin, and I...

Have. To. Stay.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. He took a shower. He'd tell me if he had something. There's nothing bad. Nothing bad. No germs. No more than in his mouth. Probably less. Yeah. Less. And I want this. He's going to go in. And that's okay. I want it. I want it. I want it. I—

Oliver's text alert goes off.

And the weight leaves my stomach. Oliver... He's not there anymore. He's not. He's not going to... I'm not... We're not...

My legs fall down. I raise an arm, covering my face. Because tears come. Tears. So many tears. I don't let myself make a sound. I try to bring myself to look. To see what happened. What's going on. But I'm just lying here. Shaking. Crying. Because. Because...