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Step Thirty-Eight

"How you holding up?" Jailee asked. It was the first time I had spoken to her in weeks, and I was surprised she didn't go off on me already.

"Eh, one day at a time, what about you?"

I heard a door close in her background. "Just got back from therapy. Only two weeks left before he tells my parents whether I can stop going or not. I might actually miss him."

"I feel like I need a therapist some days, and then I remember I already had one and they didn't do anything to help me."

"Maybe you needed a different one."

"Maybe, maybe not." I sat on the couch, idly flipping through TV channels.

"Now that pleasantries are out the way; why is this the firs I' hearing form you in weeks? Is that really what we on?"

"It wasn't on purpose, I just needed to clear my head."

"Is it clear now?"

"Nope, but I know that's not going to stop you from saying whatever you're about to say."

"All I'm saying is that he has been calling me every single day to see if I've spoken to you and it's getting really annoying and creepy."

"Well he calls me about three times more than you so..."

"Why can't you just talk to him?"

"Too hurt."

"Desiree...if I could talk to Breaunna and Matthew I'm sure you can talk to him."

Her words were true. Matthew was her boyfriend of three years and cheated on her with her best friends for a year and ended up getting said best friend pregnant, and they both lied to her about it for weeks. My drama right now was nothing on top of hers.

"You have a point, but I'm not that far along yet. Maybe." I crossed my legs under me, wondering if I had any crackers. My stomach was still bothering me. "Hey, how long does Food Poisoning stay with

you?"

"About a week, why?"

"Ugh...I may have to go to the bathroom eventually. I've been sick far too long."

"Maybe it's your conscience telling you to talk to CJ and fix whatever this is because you obviously love each other and this is just a bump in the road."

"I don't love him."

"Yeah and I'm not on Depression Medication, okay?"

Sometimes it disturbed me how easily she talked about all of this. Then again, her therapist told her to speak whatever is the first thing to come to her mind.

"Maybe your pregnant." She continued, her tone joking.

"Yeah right." I wouldn't say how the chances of me being pregnant are slim to none because I was raped at eight and that damaged my ovaries making any pregnancy high risk, or the fact I only had sex once and that was almost three months ago and this stuff just started...now.

"She's six months now." Jailee began, and I knew her mind had wondered back to Bree and Matty. "It's a girl. They sent me an invitation to the baby shower in a couple weeks, and my therapist thinks I should go. Something about final closure or something like that..." She sniffled.

"If you don't think you're ready for that then you don't have to go." I told her. "Don't force yourself to face something you're not ready for."

"I don't think I'll ever be ready to face this, Desiree. Ever...but my Mom's calling my name, so I'll call you back later, okay?"

"Okay."

She hung up shortly after, and I stared to go to my room. I had work I needed to finish, and it would hopefully distract me from my stomach. It's been two weeks since I talked to my Mom about it, maybe I should check with a doctor. And soon.

I was at my desk for probably two hours when my phone rung again. The Caller ID said it was Micah, and while it wasn't unusual for him to call it caught me off guard because it had to be nearing two in the morning in L.A.

"Hello?"

"Please don't hang up." I should have seen this coming. It was definitely a Calvin-like thing to go through someone else to get to me. He used my Mom last time.

My hand went to the reject button, but Jailee's words came to mind. If I could talk to Breaunna and Matthew I'm sure you can talk to him. I had to tell myself this was for her.

"I'm not going to hang up."

He let out a breath I'm sure he doesn't even know he was holding. "Okay first, it was not my intention to not talk to you but a fan got hold of my number and I had to change my phone and number and whenever I called you you never answered and I know you're going to ask why I never sent a message but really, how often do you check your voice mail because of how many reporters have been stalking you and you block all texts form numbers that aren't saved in your phone and you didn't answer your phone until after the whole thing when I bought my old number back. And you were completely right about the stupid publicity stunt and I tried to get out of it but the label wouldn't let me and that kiss was totally unexpected- I was just supposed to walk her down the carpet but she decided to do that on her own and I should of found another way to tell you and that's my fault I didn't but I never intended to hurt you. I would never hurt you-ever and...are you still there?"

"I'm still here."

"And Desiree, I love you, okay? I really do and to know I hurt you whether intentional or not is literally killing me inside and I hope you trust me enough to know I would never lie to you and I hope you believe me and I just hope you don't hate me."

"This would be so much easier if I did hate you." I wiped the stray tears falling from my eyes. "But I don't hate you. And I do believe you-"

"Please don't say but..."

"But...we have to be real with ourselves...this wouldn't work out."

"Desiree-"

"Just listen to me, please? You're Hollywood, I'm separating myself form it. What if your label wants you to do that again? What if they want yo take a step up and have you fake date someone? You would have to listen because it's in your contract. If we were to be together, I wouldn't want to hide us or have to pretend top break up or any of that and I definitely don't want to come between you and your career. And...I love you too. I do, and that's why this hurts so much, but I would rather it hurt now and be over with then us to try and force something that obviously isn't supposed to happen right now. I'm sorry."

"Desiree...please don't do this."

"Bye, Calvin..I..I wish you guys luck." I hung up as he began to plead, not wanting to prolong this pain any longer. I curled up in my bed, hugging the blankets as close to me as possible as I cried. Why does everything have to be so hard?

I felt that familiar bile raising in my throat, and I knew what it was already. I went to the bathroom, emptying lunch and dinner from my stomach. Once I was done I rinsed my mouth and stopped to look at my calendar. My intention was to find a free day so I could stop at the Doctor's office, but that was paused when I saw it was the end of the month. I slipped back two pages to see they were blank, another page was blank too.

My period was late, and when it did come it was two days.

Star's words came to my mind again. Maybe your pregnant. And my Mom's face weeks ago when I told her of my throwing up.

Was I pregnant?