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Step Twenty-Five: My Revelation

      I was three. And if not three, then four. Either way I was young because I did anything he said with no questions, and if he said "This is our secret, mommy doesn't need to know" I believed it was special and sacred, so I wouldn't tell. He said that a lot. It started with little touches in the tub. My mom worked late,  so he was primarily responsible for getting me to bed at night. He would linger down there with a towel, and when I asked him, he would tell me he had to make sure it was clean so I didn't itch.

"But Mommy said no one touches there but me." I remember saying, too busy arranging bubbles on top of my ducks head to really pay attention to his answer.

"And me too, right? I'm your dad, I would never hurt you."

        And he didn't lie. He didn't hurt me...He destroyed me and annihilated everything I ever was. He took me, piece by piece, and burned each to crisp and let them go in the moonlight to never be discovered. He twisted my universe and understanding of it. But I don't think I ever had a clear understanding of it.

        I remember being young, just as young, and sitting with my back against the wall as they screamed at each other. My mothers were always so feeble against his massive belts, and they always ended with the deafening sound of skin against skin. My Dad would storm out and my Mom retreated to her room. I would hear her wails through my walls and end up outside her door. For weeks she tried to get me to stay in my room, but eventually she just settled on me staying in the room with her. She would hold me close as if I was going to slip away at any second, but she would also be so distant.

        I would always wonder why. Is this what love is, was my constant question to myself. But I was a Daddy's Girl, and his words always reigned above everyone's else. In church we learned the Man of the house was always supposed to do what was best for the family. So, I believed that. I took it to heart, because he would always say "God said..." and who wanted to disappoint God? I was young and naive and easily manipulated. He used that to his full advantage all the time. All the time.

        Like I said, my Mom worked late. She was a nurse, so she worked late shifts- mostly double. I hated my own room so I spent a lot of the time with him in his. I never knew he wasn't supposed to sleep naked, or neither was I. I believed him when he said he was checking my skin for boo-boo's, even in the most private of places. I believed he did it out of love, because he did, just in the wrong way. The very wrong way.

        It was when I got older, and they began teaching Sex-Ed while I was in third grade that he started to hit me. They would teach us that no one was supposed to touch us there until we were married with big, pretty rings on our fingers. I questioned my Dad about it, wondering what they meant. I mean, my Daddy touches me there so was it wrong? He didn't like that. I questioned him for weeks and weeks on end, every time resulting in several blows to my little frame. I wonder how my Mom never noticed the limps or pained walking, but I was a rough child. I mean, trees and wheelie’s and jumping form random objects were my thing. So maybe she thought it was that. I would always hurt myself and be perfectly fine the next day. Daddy made sure to space them to keep up the rouse.

        Eventually, he did buy me a ring. Sick, right? But he placed it on my finger, the wrong finger, but how would I know that? So now everything seemed right to me. I loved him, and he loved me, so the touches were okay, right? I remember showing my teacher the ring. She asked "Ooh, who gave you that?" I responded "My daddy! He said I'm his forever!" and she laughed. I guess because plenty of Dad's tell their child their theirs forever, it wasn't paid too much attention too.

        So, yeah. He would touch me, and sometimes he would ask me to touch him. It was to show my love, so I never questioned it. I never questioned my Daddy, because we had been doing this as long as I remember and it made since in my manipulated mind.