LightWeight

Step Thirty-Six

I spit the sandwich out on my second bite. It tasted absolutely disgusting and I drowned the taste out with some water. What did they put in that thing?

Before I knew it we were being counted down, and I was situated on their makeshift stage for my performance. I listened as I was introduced by Kathy, and then the lights blinded me so fast I wouldn't be able to look at the crowd if I wanted to.

"Four years old, with my back to the door/All I could hear was the family war/Your selfish hands, always expecting more/Am I your child or just a charity award?"

I let my eyes close as the memories of all those years ago flashed to my eyes. I still remember the exact words, and the profanities and my Mom's yells. I knew she was at home watching this, and I

knew tears would be running down her face as she remembered too.

"You have a hollowed out heart /But it's heavy in your chest/I try so hard to fight it/But it's hopeless/Hopeless, your hopeless

"Oh, father, please father/I'd love to leave you alone/But I can't let you go/Oh father, please father/Put the bottle down /For the love of a daughter oh"

I don't want his love. Really, I think he's incapable of even loving anyone. I'm not even sure if he was an alcoholic or not, though I think I did remember him being drunk beyond recognition many times as a child.

"It' s been five years since we've spoken last/And you can't take back what weee never had/Oh I can be manipulated/Only so many times/Before even I love you/Starts to sound like a lie

Two months and two weeks. That was the last time I spoke to him, or even saw him. After that I went home and cut out all pictures with him in it. Then I burned the halves with his faces. The memories of what he did will always be there, but at least I don't have to see them.

"You have a hollowed out heart/But it's heavy in your chest/I try so hard to fight it/But it's hopeless/Hopeless, your hopeless/Oh, father, please father/I'd love to leave you alone/But I can't let you go/Oh father, please father/Put the bottle down For the love of a daughter

"Don't you remember I'm your baby girl?/How could you push me right out of your world/Lied to your flesh and your blood/Put your hands on the ones you swore to love

Don't you remember I'm your baby girl?/How could you throw me right out of your world?/So young when the pain had begun/Now forever afraid of being loved

"Oh father/Please Father/Put the bottle down/For the love of a daughter/For the love of a daughter."

I wiped the lone stray tear on my cheek, briefly hearing them announce a commercial. I let one of the security guards take me backstage, into a room where we would talk. For this part of the interview I vehemently refused to be in a live studio. It would distract me. I sat in a chair that resembled one we would see in a New York fashion magazine with a jazzy carpet on the floor and dimmed lights to make it all dramatic.

Wasn't my life dramatic enough as it was?

I was in a daze for a little while after that my performance, scrolling through my news feed to see what fans were saying. Many were watching the show, one girl even staying up at three in the morning to see it in her time-zone. Another was camping out at a friend's house because she didn't have cable. I

saw tons of tweets ranging from :OMG I waited for that album forever to Wish you luck to We'll be here whenever you come back. I swear I have the most supporting fans, friends, family ever.

But it was eventually time to start. And all my cards were on the table for the world to see.

But one text message I had received stuck out with me. It was from Jailee. It said she knew my reason for wanting to do this, but I had to be realistic. Telling my past would only make people dig deeper. I would never have piece. Ever. The paparazzi would still stalk me , wanting to know more even if there wasn't more. They would start to interview people form my childhood, peers, teachers. Family, even, for why they never said anything.

And it all made sense.

"Are you ready?" Kathy asked, but she had a different look in her eyes.

I shook my head. "I don't think I can do this anymore...it lost it's purpose."

But was the purpose? Did I really think telling the entire universe my biological sperm donor beat my Mom; rape and molest me since I was three; beat me;and tried to rape me again a few months ago would help anything? Did I think it would help me achieve some level of piece?

Or did I want to know if he was still listening?

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Happy Thanksgiving! Early update because I'm so thankful for all of you! So, vote and COMMENT THREE THINGS YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR! I am thankful for:

1) Sanity. I have been through so much in the last year that to be in my right mind, common sense, on such a great path in life is a miracle and only through God.

2) Life. At multiple points I wanted to end it all, but now I truly appreciate my life and understand that I have a purpose.

3) Love. For God and Jesus' unwavering love for me and the love for myself I had to build.

I love you all! Eat Ham for me! We don't eat pork -__- or beef.