Hogwarts Marauders [Year 1] ✓

Chapter 38

Trigger Warning!
Self harm

As the holidays come to an end. The students start making their way to the Kings Cross station. Sirius was standing there eyeing the commotion on the station. Trying to find the one person he needed to see was alright. His mother sees his eyes darting and clears her throat.

"What are you even looking for?" She snaps.

"Nothing mother, just observing." Sirius lied through his teeth.

Walburga glares at him for a moment and then leaves. Aparating back home. Sirius drags his luggage with him onto the steaming train and looks for the cabin where he sat with his friends for the first time.

His friends. For all his life he thought he'd never have anyone to call his friends. But here they were. He then drag opens the cabin door and sets his luggage.

Being locked in the cellar for so long he didn't even shower. Sirius makes his way to the bathroom and thanks Merlin for the shower head in train. He quickly showers and changes into his spare clothes.

When Sirius came back to his house he didn't even get a chance to unpack. He simply ended up in the darkness. He was also much skinnier than he was before. Even though Regulus sent him food. He couldn't send him much and could only do so once a day. Sometimes skipping a day because he couldn't send without making his mother aware. He was glad for his help nonetheless.

He shivers at the memory of the Christmas holidays and makes his way to the basin to brush his teeth.

He looks at his appearance. His cheeks were sunken in with his cheekbones sharp. His grey eyes were dull and tired with huge dark circles under his eyes. He didn't get rest. He couldn't bring himself to sleep in the fear of waking up into darkness. He was pale once again. Now more than ever. Lifting his shirt he could see his ribs poking out of his skin. He looked more like a corpse than a corpse did.

Sighing and running his hands through his wet hair. He made his way out. Towards his cabin. He gave a soft smile seeing James and Peter both siting there.

"Oi Mate! How are you?" James says. Launching himself on Sirius to hug him. Sirius laughs and hugs him.

"Now better than ever." He replies honestly grinning. Peter waves shyly and Sirius claps him on the back.

He sits opposite to both of them. James eyes Sirius and notices his condition. He raises an eyebrow and Sirius just shakes his head, trying to give him a convincing smile but clearly failing.

James knows not to pressure Sirius. He just squeezes his shoulder. Whatever it was, he knew it had something to do with the Black family. He knew better than to ask. So he says "Nevermind Sirius they are all total arse. You are back now." Sirius chuckles and nods. He was back now, and he was safe now.

Sirius's eyes roam around again looking for him. "Where is Remus?" He voices his concern.

James pouts and says "Don't know mate. Didn't see him on the station either."

Sirius's heart beats frantically. Where is the boy? He needed to see him. He gets up and says "I'm going to go look for him." And with that he makes his way out.

After an hour of searching each and every cabin he makes his way back. "I can't find him! He's not on the train!"

James's eyes widen. "What!?" He couldn't believe it. Their classmate was not on the train. Where was he?

Sirius's sat down his legs shaking. He wasn't here. Does it means-? No! No that can't be it! They said Remus was alive. Atleast that's what he hoped they meant. Sirius closed his eyes breathing deeply. Maybe he's got another way to reach Hogwarts? Maybe he just missed him and he was somewhere on the train? Maybe-. Remus had to be alright. He had to be.

James gets up from the seat from next to the sleeping boy and makes his way over to Sirius. Sitting next to him and hugging him. He patted his back and tried to calm the boy. Remus's absence was bugging him as well. Why wasn't he on the train? But right now he can't panic as well, seeing that Sirius was already going through it.

°°°°

The school arrives and the boys quickly make the way towards the carriages and get into the school. After putting their luggage in the dorm, they noticed that Remus's luggage was there as well. Sirius finally breathed. He was in the school.

He quickly tells James to go down to the Great Hall with Peter, saying that he won't be joining. James just nodded. He squeezes his shoulders and goes out of the dormitory. Sirius's makes his way as well. He knew where the boy was, he had to be there.

He found himself in front on McGonagall's office and knocked. It was as if she was right next to the door because as he knocked the door flew open.

The professor stood in front of him, in her maroon robe. Her hair in a tight bun as always. She looked at the skinny boy and her eyes softened. Gasping she asked."Sirius what happened to you?" He just shrugged. "Remus." He breathed out.

She just nodded and let him in. He could see the boy, sitting on the couch in the corner. His arms wrapped around his legs, curled up. It was as if he was trying to make himself small, make himself invisible.

A single tear makes it's way down his face and he rushes towards the boy. He wraps his arms around him, closing into him tightly as if he would loose him if he let go. Remus just sat there, numb, only recognising the pressure of the arms but not the warmth.

"You knew?" Remus asked, in a monotone.

"I didn't. It was when I heard a few death eaters talking then I knew, but it was too late." Sirius said shaking his head. Leaving out that he heard Fernier Greyback. Now was not the time.

"You didn't tell me." He said. Sirius was crying now, seeing Remus in daze, it broke his heart.

"I didn't know, I swear I didn't. I was locked in a cellar, and was only thrown out to have Cursio inflicted on me." He laughed humourlessly.

All Remus could feel was rage. He pushed Sirius away. "Your family tore mine apart. Your family killed my mother. They killed my boyfriend." He spat.

"Jacob?" Sirius asked shaking.

"He's dead because of you. You're one of them! You disgust me." Remus yelled. Venom lacing his voice. He continued. "Was hurting me, destroying my life, not enough for you that you had to take their lives!?" He growled in fury his eyes red.

Sirius's eyes were stinging because of the tears streaming down his face. You're one of them. The words kept ringing in his ears. He was one of them? All his life he kept running from it. He wasn't one of them. But he could hear Remus voice. You're one of them. You're one of them. You're one of them. You're one of them. You're one of them. The words kept spinning in his head, making him dizzy. I am one of them. He was a murderer. His legs buckled and he fell on the floor.

McGonagall started make her way towards Sirius, but Sirius got up and ran out of the room. He ran as fast as he could. He couldn't hear Professor's voice calling out for him. He ran and ran until he was out of school. He ran dashing into the Forbidden Forest. Once he was alone and far in the forest he cried. He cried his eyes out, screaming, thrashing falling onto his knees and pulling out of his hair.

I am one of them. The thought rang in his head and he brought a pointy jagged rock to his legs, rolling up his pants, he broke his skin. He felt numb and disgusted, seeing the blood run out of his body calmed him. He did it again, and again and again. He couldn't feel the throbbing in his legs, or maybe he could but he couldn't bring himself to care.

He was one of them. And with this thought he fell onto the ground, his eyes dropped from the weakness and tiredness, not caring for the darkness surrounding him, not only on the outside, but also in the inside.

I am one of them.

-x-