I am the Skeleton in the Closet

True Colors

I waited a bit after the holidays to message Kathy. I spent hours formulating the best message I could with Mae. I didn't want to ruin Steph's life by ceasing contact with Kathy, but I knew that if I kept up with her I would only get more and more anxious about the whole relationship. Clearly she already thought of me differently for just wanting to meet our dad and even more so for following through with it and thinking of him as anything more than a sperm donor. As far as I could see it, there was no real reason for her to act out in the ways that she was, yet every time I went up to visit I felt more and more cut off. It was like she wanted to punish me, but knew she realistically couldn't. Why? Well because I was forming a lasting relationship with my biological father. To me, that wasn't something she should have ever felt was hers to decide, but it was clear to me she felt differently and wouldn't stop treating me the way that she was until I agreed with her. Well, I'd always been stubborn.  

"So I don't even know where to start with this. I can't be outright a bitch about it or Steph will probably get screwed over somehow." Clearly she's like Dawn so that's the only way she'd be able to take out the aggression. 

"Right, that's how it always goes." Mae agreed.

"I was thinking something like, Hey, I know you have a lot going on right now, I do too. Right now with all the problems being started between you and Brian I've been put under a lot of stress. You know I have stomach problems, the stress is not helping it in the least. For now I think it may be better if I took a step back from you. In a few years maybe we can revisit. But that just sounds so, meh. Ya know?"

"Yeah, maybe say, Hey, I've been super stressed out lately and the fights between you and Brian aren't helping. For now I think it would be best if we took a step back for a while. And just leave it there? But I think you're right, it needs something more."

"I think part of it is that it's not really capturing everything I want to say. I mean she's been trying to get me to choose a side for a while now, I don't know what he did but she hates him. And I don't want it to sound like I'm taking a step back from all of them because that simply isn't the case. Like she's being crazy so she's getting punished, but you can't just call a crazy person crazy and assume they'll be ok with that." I nodded thinking for a second as I twirled a strand of hair. "How about, Hey Kathy, since Brian moved back up here I've felt immense pressure from you to choose a side. In the interest of preserving both relationships I think I should just take a step back for now and let you cope with him coming back into the state. Hopefully we can revisit this later. Or is that too up front about it?" I pulled a corner of my mouth down as I reread it. She's not gonna like the coping part of that, but there's no better way to put it.

"I mean it's truthful, she won't like it-"

"Well she isn't gonna like it, she won't like anything about this." I may not know what she'll do exactly, but one thing's for sure. It won't be good, and it's almost definitely has to do with Steph.

"You're not wrong. I like the ending, leaves something to be had later. Like the balls in your court now ya know."

"Exactly." I paused for a second. So if I send this as it is, what's gonna happen? Steph, possibly in Hell for the next few months, but then I don't have to walk on eggshells hoping I don't piss Kathy off. The longer I wait the worse the fall outs gonna be. I knew reading the message over and over. Just send it. It's already fucked so get it over with. She can't hurt you. "I think I'm gonna send it."

"Are you sure?" Mae double checked.

"Yeah... yeah why not? What's the worst that can happen?" I shrugged pressing send before I talked myself out of it. "Sent." I announced, then my stomach dropped. "Oh I'm scared how she's gonna respond." I shouldn't have said anything. I eyed the message as her picture popped up next to it. Oh she's gonna respond. Let's exit out of this. I don't want her to see me there and think I'm doing this just to get a response out of her. I know this is out of the blue for you but I need you to understand and accept it. If you just say ok or something then that would be perfect. Hell if you just were civil in general we can definitely revisit this, if you accepted it and just said ok, we'll come back to it then I might even rethink the whole thing. I set down the phone and qued into what Mae was talking about.