Chapter 31 - Wear It And Think Of Me

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FIN

Malingee....

Shakily pressing the disconnect icon, I stare wild-eyed at the wallpaper on my phone. It displays the picture Norman posted of us.

To announce our marriage to the world.

I hurt him  😭

Norman hurt me, so I went and hurt him right back. But then, I've been doing it over and over ever since....

"I don't know who the hell you are anymore. But there's one thing I do know for sure. I truly don't like you very much at all!"  I whisper to the feckin bitch in the photo.

Who just keeps happily smiling back at me.

Oh, how I wish Meek was home or that I could ring Aunty Nin. If I can just talk to them, talk to anyone.  And let out a little bit of what's building inside me like a pressure cooker.

Only I can't....can I!

Can't talk to any of them about any of it. Can't ever let them know or see.

Jaysus....you have to keep on going Fin. You have to! Everyone is depending on you.

I ignore myself....again.

The phone slid out of my hand onto the rug as I curl up into a huddle on the sofa. Roll onto my side. Wanting nothing more than to become as tiny as humanly possible.

Like an Echidna tucking into itself during a sandstorm. Or an Armadillo rolling up its armour in the headlights of an oncoming car.

Stupidly imagining. That the huge volcano of agony that's lived in my heart for so long now before erupting? Will shrink down with it. And take my newfound shame along for the ride.

And that maybe, maybe  when I stretch back to normal size? The pain will just stay tiny and I'll be able to live with it....and myself.

Eventually.

No. You deserve to feel it! Because you bought it all on yourself. As always.

*

Feel the padding of the sofa dip slightly. Gentle hands pull at my shoulders until my head is nestling in a cushion on his lap.

"A stór....a stór"  Unc crooned, his hand running gently down my hair and back.

Over and over again. As my body quakes in the effort to keep back the tears. The ones that refuse to be contained any longer.

"Yer been holding onto it ever since ye came back for me. Let it go, me little treasure. Ye be minding me now and just let it all go."

I mind him and do as I'm told. What starts as a trickle soon becomes a flood of truly biblical proportions.

After what seems like hours, words pant their way out of my mouth. Because I can't hold them back any more either.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Uncie....but I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much now and I can't stop it. I'm so sorry, it's all my fault but....I just can't."

"What do ye mean by 'hurts too much', a stór? Has that boy been....?"  He rolled me over, eyes full of pure fury.

Until they collapse in pain. When he sees mine peering back at him.

"No, no....he'd never. Not in the way you're thinking. Please, Unc....I'm sorry....I didn't mean to scare you. I'm Ok, it'll all be Ok."

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