SUCKER.

Don't Let Anyone In

*Alex's POV*

I hate myself. I hate myself for going down this path. I wish Justin was here, even though he's moved on and shoved Juliet to the back of his mind, he'd know just what to say. I wish I knew where in the Wizard World he was. I'd flash myself there. I want Jack. I can't even call him. He's beyond pissed off at me. I need him so much.

I wish I was as strong as Justin is, he got over Juliet so fast. It's been a little over a year and I still feel like shit because of Mason. Yeah, I've defeated the Angels of Darkness, saved the world from an asteroid, but I'm not strong enough for this. I know I shouldn't be blaming Mason for any of this. This is just as much as my fault, as it is his. I knew I was playing with fire when I took Mason back after he told Juliet that he never stopped loving her. I can't even blame him because I got burned. I knew the whole time it wasn't going to work. I just hoped and prayed that it would. Maybe if I was enough for Mason or was a vampire, he'd love me like he loves Juliet.

The thought of love makes the lump in my throat feel bigger than it already is. Mason ruined the idea of love for me and I'm a girl. That's all a girl thinks about is love. I want love, but I don't think I'll ever find it again. I'll always be second guessing myself and I'd just end up pushing them away. That's not fair on both sides. I could never hurt someone the way Mason hurt me.

When I'm around the Doctor, I get a weird feeling in the bottom of my stomach. I've been on one trip and I'm happier than I was on Earth. Maybe the Tardis did something... I was so unhappy on Earth. I would sit in my apartment all day and not do a damn thing. Sometimes I'd go on a magic carpet ride, but other times... I would just lay there, in my bed, feeling every ache and pain inside my body.

I used to miss Mason so much that the pain wasn't even emotional. It was physical. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed half the time. Thank the lord for Mickey Mouse. I don't miss Mason like that anymore though, it's just the idea of love that gets to me now. But being with the Doctor, when he grabs my hand, smiles at me, yells at me for cursing, or even fucking wrapping his arm around me, makes me want to crawl underneath the floorboards and never come out. I'm too afraid of the idea of loving someone and them loving me back. Fall in love with someone and hope to god they catch you? That's a 50/50 chance of getting your heart broken. My heart's been broken, I don't want to break it more.

I'm so scared of this feeling. I don't like it, not one bit. It appeared when the Doctor caught me, back at the vat with the Consciousness. I ignored it, thinking it was my adrenaline of possibly dying. When I found my dad's book and I was reading it and he kept staring at me, weirdly enough, I liked it. I like it when the Doctor looks at me. He always smiles and his cheeks get a little pink and it makes my stomach feel like it's on crack.

When I think about the future, I wouldn't hate being with the Doctor. He's a madman with a cool ass box and I'm a psychotic wizard, perfect right? We could run away from all our problems, we could go on adventures everyday, we could be happy together. "No, Alex, stop." I turned over, so that I was laying on my back and I slapped my hand against my head. "Don't do this to yourself, Alex." 'Don't let anyone in. Don't let anyone see what's going on inside your head. Don't let anyone get too close. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't fucking do it. It's not worth it'. I kept repeating to myself. I wiped the few tears that were running down my cheeks with my wrist.

Honestly, I threw my soul away, a long time ago. The thought of love was pushed back to the deepest part of my mind. I can't cry over this anymore. I don't want to. The happiness of falling in love would just leave me drained when it was over. It's not worth it. I can't do this. I can't fucking do this. I can't feel this way for another person again. They'll love me one day, then the next their feelings change, people change like seasons. You can't turn your back on them for a second or they'll rip the rug right out from under you.

I tried my best but my best was not enough for Mason. I completely lost sight of what love is because it's so fucking deceiving. I just want love. I want someone to love me for me. I don't think I'll ever get that now. I won't allow myself to pour my soul out to someone who will just end up leaving. It hurts so bad knowing that the love I had for Mason was not reciprocated. It wasn't at all. I fucking hate this. The person I once was, I crave it. I wish I never fucking met Mason. I hate myself for this. I did it to myself. I can't blame anyone for this, it's the path in which I chose. I put my hands over my eyes, trying to hold back the tears that kept coming.

God I hate this fucking feeling. The feeling of being numb. The only feeling I have, is the lump in the back of my throat. I could feel it getting bigger and bigger with every swallow. Not that I'm going to do anything about it. I'll just stay here till I absolutely have to get up. I don't want to face anyone. I don't want anyone seeing me or asking me about this.

I saw the Doctors book on the table. I slowly lifted my arm to pull it closer to me. I opened it, seeing his notes on the sides of every paragraph. I quickly closed the book and hugged it to my chest. He was an amazing man, whether he saw it or not, he was. Saving everybody before himself, now that's a man.

There's no point in crying over this. The Doctor would never look at me as anything more. I'm just a useless Wizard that happened to have gotten lucky in the Wizard Competition. I tossed the book back on the table and put my hands back on my eyes, crying harder. Who the fuck would even love me? I can't do anything right. All I did a kid was fuck up my family by being too cocky about being a Wizard. I see why Mason left. Who would want to be around a selfish asshole all the time? No one. Which is why everyone leaves me.

I refuse to be interested in someone that I've known for like a day. I only know his name, his planet, what he did to his planet, his amazing Tardis, his nice blue eyes, his huge smile, his sassy attitude,- What the fuck am I talking about? No. I refuse to ever care for someone like that again. I don't care how amazing the Doctor is. I refuse.

The door opened and the Doctor walked in. My mouth dropped and I quickly wiped away any sign that I was crying. He walked over to me, sitting on the edge of the couch, "Alex, what happened? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, member I told you I wasn't feeling good." The Doctor shook his head at me, not believing it. I sighed, 'well, fuck me'. I threw the blanket over my head, not wanting to see him stare at me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." The Doctor moved the blanket off my face and raised his eyebrows at me. He moved his hand, hesitating before putting it on my cheek. I smiled a bit and nuzzled into his hand. He gave me a sad smile, rubbing his thumb along my cheek. 'Alex, no'. Shut up, brain. He's just comforting me. Stop being such a pussy, pussy. He leaned forward and gave me a hug, which I was not expecting, but I hugged him back tightly. I breathed in his cologne, liking whatever the fuck it was. 'Alex, don't do this, you're gonna regret it'.

I let my head rest on his shoulder, his head laying on mine. "Come on, Rose wants to go to her flat to get some clothes and see her mum." The Doctor pulled away and wiggled his hand at me. I giggled a bit, but took it, letting him pull me up. We walked silently to the console, hand in hand.