November 22, 2018, It was Thanksgiving, and our anniversary. Nothing could take away my smile, I got up early and had coffee and breakfast made. It was a normal day honestly, he didn't hit me but here and there threw mental daggers at my heart and sanity as he always did. We ate dinner and I was happy my Mom was there.
We decided that night to go see a movie, "Escape Room". If I had thought, if i didn't give him the benefit of a doubt maybe it would have been a good night, but probably not.
He got paranoid often, swore he was being hacked and I was the cause. The movie consists of an "escape room" concept, except with a horror twist that they were signed up for a survival game.
I didn't think a few months later it'd be a reason to beat me.
After the movie I was talking about how much I enjoyed it and enjoyed being around him in a happy environment. He told me I was talking to much, the comment slipped my mind. A few minutes later I commented on how I hope there's a part two because the movie was a cliffhanger. At this point we were already home , he started yelling. Calling me every name in the book and saying I chose that movie on purpose to fuck with him. (In all actuality I just wanted a good night and to spend time together, and it was GENUINELY a awesome suspenseful movie, I truly enjoyed it!) That night he beat me mentally, broke up with me as he did almost every day, and destroyed my character any way he could.
On our anniversary, I held my Tummy right hugging my babygirl that I swore would fix this all, which I know. So naive of me, but he had such a hold that literally NOONE could tell me shit about him. I'd stand with a black eye and make up lies to protect him. Always had his back...
365 days I spent loving him, and on a night where we should have been holding each other he rolled over and fell fast asleep. Meanwhile I tried to soften my shudders from crying and screamed into a pillow so no one heard me. Before I fell asleep I rolled over and hugged him close to me, and instead of telling myself maybe tomorrow I can be stronger, I whispered to him before I kissed his head that tomorrow WE'D be stronger, and I promised as I have many times I'll never give up on him.
I think what shattered my heart the most is that I gave him my absolute all, and the horror he's put me through is a cycle I'm choosing to break.
It's sickening at times I miss him abuse and would love to just fall asleep in his arms as I did when we had good days. And I never will ever again, and it hurts beyond explanation and jumbles my brain to no end.
But I'm alive.
I took my life back.
I will get stronger.
I DO deserve better.
And most of all, I will Never stay quiet.
Tonight I'll tell MYSELF I can try and be stronger tomorrow, hour by hour to get through my days.
But our daughter gives me so much strength, because even if nothing but problems, terror, ect came from him, at some point our love created her.
I pray to heal.
I pray to one day, figure out where the fuck it all went wrong...
