It gets hard to breathe when my heads under water I can't shake this feeling
y'all know I miss my father shits laying on me heavy
ion know to act just out here looking crazy
cuz Everyday feels like a murder scene
at any second I'll be betting I snap
and my head is on track
but my chemicals are all out of whack
and I fucking wish this pit would go away
cuz I'm a mom I gotta stay out the way
but all these thoughts make me sway
to play these games with fate
and ion wanna win anyway.
I'm drowning
can you see my fingers
quick
don't look away
I'm sinking deeper they say
take a deep breathe
but I feel sicker
cuz waters in my lungs
it burns like liquor
and the silence that embraces me
is painful to see
cuz a smile on my face
replaces the cold days
and everyone will be sad
but I'm hearing my dad
and the closer to the ocean floor I get
the demons he left
soon leave my head
their laid to rest
as I take my last breath
but I can't breathe under water,
and I know
I can't see my father,
or my daughter
my eyes open wider
and I need some water
and my throat burns
But I'm still his daughter,
I'm still her mom
but my smile falters
cuz I can't run
from whatever roster god put me on
to test my strength
I miss my
calm
Brain
When it didn't feel insane
When it didn't play games
and I wasn't fucking afraid
When things made me happy
and the world wasn't crappy
When people didn't ask me why
I act so snappy
When a breathe didn't cave in my chest
And I had fucking friends
because I could leave my bed
Where did she fucking go
I thought I had her back
I found her on a map
and I didn't care to always react
She was strong and she was me
Then I was in the hospice
and left feeling like i had fucking lost it
now my dads dead
and I can't fucking understand it
because parents live forever
that's how I always planned it
So I ran and ran and
back I came my mental illness
with a vengeance to take her away.
Then she went
and my deep breaths did too
Because now my dopamine got shot
with a goddamn harpoon
And flashbacks control my smells
my hand tremors are back
My neck won't ever crack
And I got pain in my back
I'm locked in a fucking cell
Of memories that are dead to me
I hid abuse so well
The devil was testing me
He wanted me his queen of hell
He snatched up the rest of me
and I was in pure misery
The devil got the best of me
And everyday is based off a traumatic memory
Indefinitely
Theoretically
Is drowning so bad?
Being depressed sucks
but ion gotta go in my bag
Cuz when he took her he gave me two
and when I can't handle it
she comes through
To hold the truth
Of every foul memory
It starts to fuck with my sensory
but sometimes she takes good ones too
Like 6th grade graduation when I was on the stage and I ain't have no congratulations
I'm glad you made it from the people who faded
and I grew up wanting to be craved
and I was naive
and jaded
and holy shit my body naked
Woke me up from placing a fork in my mouth or a spoon at that
No chips
I didn't fuck with snacks
Tested for obesity
but the doc ain't know
I let that shit get to me
It became a show
Of how much I can loose
And how long I can maintain
and I vowed if my body got a certain size
I would train my brain
And I swear it could be me
I Wouldnt wait to see
The results of obesity
Eating less and less shit fucked with my head and my ex always went for skinny girls in his bed
and I felt less
my dad wasn't around to bless
the knowledge of loving yourself profound
Or giving yourself a break when you feel wound
Or telling him to stop
your
hurting
me
But pushed to the ground
I couldn't get out a sound
cuz my ribs were showing
and I only weighed 100 pounds
If only I could just breathe
